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Sometimes, when Rodion looks in the mirror, she sees a void where her stomach should be.
It always disappears after she blinks. She tries not to think about it (her room reflects her mental state why is it so cold so cold so cold so)
The days she sees that reflection in her mirror are often the days that she can’t bear being near the manager. Not just because they have been trying to talk to her about how she’s been acting, though it definitely contributes, but because of that damned bough in their head. It makes her head hurt/
snow falls on a winter day blood fills the streets it’s her fault it’s her fault it’s/
- and makes her remember some bad memories. So, she runs. She hides the fact that she’s running, of course, it wouldn’t do for the other sinners to start being concerned about things that aren’t their problems (Wings only know they have enough of them as is). She says she’s just going to go on a shopping trip. Or a grocery run. Or anything else if it meant getting out of the bus.
"Don't spend all of it on food, lass." Heathcliff says, and Rodion has to keep the bile from coming up her throat.
"Is that all you take me for? Don't worry your pretty little head about it!" She responds with that fake smile that damned fake smile that –
Sonya smiles at her. It’s warm. She smiles back. She can feel the cold seep out of herself. Ice grows on her skin her eyes her teeth her-
After stepping off the bus, Rodion doesn't take off into a sprint, not immediately. She’s smart. She can hide it (she’s been hiding for a while). She tries not to think of the look of concern Gregor shot her as she stepped off (one coward to another, recognition of the self in the other). As soon as she turns a corner into an alley and out of line of sight from the bus, she starts sprinting at full speed. P-Corps snow crunches underfoot as she runs (she hates the snow).
She needed to get away.
//
Rodion tries throwing up. Desperately, into a random side of an alleyway. Get the food out of her stomach (she’s so hungry she’s so hungry she’s so h).
She reaches two fingers into her gullet and scratches at the interior at her throat. She succeeds.
Heavy breaths as she finishes, and she feels herself reaching into her pocket for a snack. She stops. I can save it for later, she lies, I’m not feeling that hungry, after all.
Rodion knows how to hide the signs of hunger. She’s an expert.
She shivers. Was P-Corp always this cold? She draws her jacket closer into as she squats on the ground.
She tilts her head forward until it collides with the wall. She hates this place. It was always so cold, always snowing-
Like Sonya’s hair. Like that day she killed a town.
Sometimes, she wanted to let the cold take her.
“But you’re too much of a coward for that, aren’t you?” Sonya says, and Rodya looks around in surprise.
The snow reached her ankles. When did it snow that much? Where did Sonya come from?
How didn’t she notice?
She sees Sonya above her, looking down, mocking smile on his face. Oh, how she just wanted to punch it off, pin him to the ground, beat him bloody and senseless-
“But you know full well you can’t do that to an illusion, dear Rodya.” He says and she knows that he’s right. She can feel the ice crawl from the ends of her hands towards her body. She was so cold.
“Don’t call me that. ‘Dear Rodya’. It’s easier for both of us if you stop pretending to be so kind.” Even though she knew in her heart that she was talking to the air, she couldn’t help herself.
“Oh, but how you wish for it, don’t you? My dear Rodya?” He mocks her, tilting his head like he was talking to a child, “You wished so desperately for me to acknowledge that you did something, made a tangible change to the world, rather than follow someone else’s lead.”
He takes her chin in his hand. She can feel his breath on her cheeks.
“You wish to devour all that recognition for yourself, don’t you? But you will never have it. Doomed to be a mediocre second fiddle.” His eyes were so purple so striking so beautiful-
“S-Shut up! I- You haven’t done anything either!” She tries to rebut, oh she tried to, but-
“But you know that’s not true, Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov. My Rodya. You have seen me change the world. Oh, how you wish to be me. But you can’t. You try to fill your inadequacy, your hunger, your desire to be on my level, and fail. Because all you are is that selfish hunger, isn’t it? No wonder all you can do well is eat food.” And she shivered from the frigidness of his gaze.
She couldn’t stop the first tear from falling. She couldn’t stop it from freezing on her skin.
“But that’s okay, dear Rodya,” he embraced her (he was so warm so warm so warm so w), “all you need to do is give up. It wouldn’t hurt you anymore after that, would it? The hunger would stop.” His voice like a siren, luring her into the deep abyss.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to stay here a bit longer, again she lies to herself. He’s just warming me up from the cold, that’s all. Then I’ll - go back… to the… b
And then all she knew was the cold dark.
//