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Chapter Text

Pain is temporary. 

And if you don't really think about it, it doesn't hurt as much. 

That's what Suou keeps telling himself. There's no one around to comfort him and pat his head, so he must soothe himself and will away the prickling feeling under his skin all on his own. When he was a few years younger, he still believed that someone could kiss his wounds better, but nowadays he knows it's all lies. Even if he wants to kiss it, it’s quite literally impossible, since he feels the most pain at the spot where his right eye used to be. It's sewn shut right now and he still tries to blink it open, making the levels of pain unbearable. 

He doesn't care that he lost his eye, that's his fault for not being careful enough, for playing with fire when he knew that his half siblings are cruel and unforgiving, but he is mad that his place in this terrible family was compromised because he lost one eye. He really believed that if he showed his father his usefulness, he'd be able to receive his love, but fate is a cruel mistress. Suou was never supposed to be in this position in the first place – a bastard child, the shame of the family, and now? A disabled kid who was worth nothing. 

The atmosphere weighs down on him, almost pushing him into the bench Suou is sitting on and he makes sure to straighten his back. Good position is crucial, it helps him regain control on his unruly muscles. He lets his legs swing around when he looks at the distance with an unfocused gaze. He isn't supposed to be here, not so early after his surgery, but he can't bear the stuffy rooms. The presence of other kids, and their families visiting them, was even worse, making the ugliest kind of jealousy twist and roar inside his chest. 

“Jealousy is bad.” He hums to himself. One of the values his family regarded so highly. Only after losing his eye Suou began to suspect the values were nonsense as well. Something that was used to keep the kids tamed and malleable, to make sure they didn't rebel when they were young, and to have them grow into effective weapons that didn't ask any questions in the future. 

Suou is too tired of this. Exhausted of living his life according to eight rules that his ancestors created hundreds of years ago, and drained after being boxed inside that manor that oversaw his life and always punished him as strictly as possible. He also hates being stuck in a small room with five other kids and having to take in the same artificial clean smell of the hallways. It’s too fake and disgusting, he wants to puke. Being outside is a great change of pace, he especially likes looking at the tree in the yard. It’s a persimmon tree and they appear to be ripe as of recently. 

With heavy steps, Suou stands up and walks to it. His body is still sluggish from the many medications he had to take, and he can only gaze hopefully at fruit above him. He only got to eat a persimmon once in his life, but the taste was a mix of sweet and tangy, he can feel his mouth watering at the memory of it. Even as he stands on the tips of his toes, he can’t reach the lowest barks. 

Out of reach, his heart feels as heavy as his body. He despises being wishful but unable to achieve. 

His hands fall to the sides of his body and he's ready to admit defeat. There's no point in yearning for the unreachable, he learned how much it hurts to do so, with the twinge of ache behind his eye socket being the ultimate proof.

“Are you okay?” A hesitant voice behind him calls out for him. Suou spins on his heels, his words stuck in his throat since he wasn't used to being addressed first at all. People always talked over his head, as though he couldn't comprehend their words, and other children spoke behind his back, because they found him creepy, according to their words. 

The one standing in front of him is a kid about his age. He was much taller than Suou, making another pang of jealousy pass from his heart all the way to his fingertips, but his sweet smile was so kind that Suou immediately felt ashamed reacting so poorly. Logically, he knows it’s not anyone's fault, but his family, that his meals are meager and hard to come by, consequently slowing down his growth. Still, this boy has a few good inches on him, and Suou really, really wished he'd be just as tall someday. 

“Yeah, I'm fine.” He eventually manages to say, weakly nodding as well. 

“Oh, I just thought…” The boy fiddles with his fingers, suddenly looking shy. “Since you looked at the persimmons, maybe you want one?” 

“Ah, that's not…” Suou is caught off guard. He was never asked for his opinion or wishes before, he's quite sure how to refuse. “You don't need to…” 

You don't need to concern yourself with me. 

“I can get one easily, you don’t need to worry!” The boy's fiery eyes are pretty. So full of determination, even though it is such a small task for him. It is monumental for Suou after all, he can't get a persimmon even if he tries his best. “Here, just hold this.”

He hands Suou the item he was holding close to his chest, which turns out to be a plushie. It's a cute teddy bear that's seen better days, but Suou barely has time to dwell on it because the boy, much to his surprise, starts climbing the tree. True to his earlier statement, he easily makes his way to the first branch, looking like it was no big deal, and gets two persimmons from the nearest branch. He jumps off the branch, an action that makes Suou suck his breath in awe, and lands nicely on the ground, right next to Suou.

“There you go! I got you two!” He smiles widely. 

Suou doesn't expect that. He figures the other got two for the both of them, but he can't be greedy – greediness is also…bad. “You can have one.” He makes an attempt at smiling back. “You got them for us.” 

“It's okay, I'm not a fan of persimmons to be honest. Too sweet for me.” He laughs as he shoves the fruit into Suou's hands and takes his teddy bear in the same fluid movement. Suou knows he's staring and it's rude, but he can't help himself from being mesmerized by the way the other boy's freckles moved as he laughed. “Let's sit down, my mother says it's not healthy to eat while standing.”

“Yes.” Suou thinks they'll go back to the bench he was sitting on just minutes ago, but the boy plops down next to the tree. “Ah…” Suou hesitantly lowers himself and sits next to him. Maybe he imagines it, but the boy radiates warmth that's reaching Suou despite their bodies not touching, and it feels tingly. 

“Do you know what do persimmons symbolize?” He asks Suou all of a sudden and Suou shakes his head in response. “Luck and prosperity, so you're very lucky right now.”

The syrupy taste of the persimmon Suou is eating doesn't slide easily down his throat, but he's too enchanted to care. He never heard about this before, but this boy seems to be confident about this piece of information, so he takes his word for a fact in a heartbeat. 

“Are you going to be here for long?” He asks Suou his next question. 

“Probably.” Suou mumbles, feeling the bits of fruit stuck to his teeth. He's embarrassed to let the other boy see him like that, so he covers his mouth with his hand as he tries to move the pieces with his tongue. 

The boy doesn't seem to notice, or at least is kind enough not to comment about it. “Same for me. My grandmother is being hospitalized here.” He pulls knees to his chest and his sad expression sends a wave of ache in Suou's heart. “Everyone tells me she's fine, but I know they're just lying to me. I can hear them talking about how she's going to die soon.”

The mention of the word death makes Suou drop his persimmon down. “A-ah, I'm sorry.” He hurries to apologize. He doesn't notice his body is shaking violently, too much to dismiss as after effects of his medications, until the boy is grabbing his arm and gently squeezes it. 

“No, it's my fault – I'm really sorry! It must be a difficult topic and I was so insensitive…” 

It is. Suou isn't allowed to admit it, but he's scared of dying. He spent days in the hospital, hours in the operation room, hazy moments that he cannot remember and lost time that would never come back. It's all worth it though, because, at the end, he’s still alive, even though the doctors whispered about how low his chances were. “It's okay, I don't mind.” This time, his smile feels like it's coming from the depths of his heart, and it's much easier to simply smile. 

The boy calms down after seeing his expression. “Okay.” He rubs Suou's arm a little more before releasing his grip on it. “I think it's best if I go now, but…can we meet again? I come here every wednesday, around this hour.”

“Of course.” Suou watches as the boy stands up, then offers his hand to help Suou up to his feet, which he accepts quickly. He has to look up to see his eyes, fiery and kind, full of sweetness as well. Chocolate, he resolutely decides, because that's his first thought when he studies those eyes. “I'll see you next week then.” 

The sight of his back slowly disappearing into the distance is both disheartening and joyful for Suou. For the first time, he’s happy to meet someone again. And for the first time, he’s sad, almost scared, to let go. 

Chapter Text

Suou lives his life from one Wednesday to the next. The only comforting presence in his life is that boy, who instead of visiting his sickly grandmother chooses to waste his time on Suou. He always arrives at the same time and never complains if Suou's late. He also brings gifts – mostly small snacks that Suou can't bring himself to eat, so he keeps them until they go bad. It doesn't matter that the other children in his hospital room are eyeing the snacks and begging to get a little bit of them, these are his snacks, not theirs. If he chooses to waste them…it's none of their business, and he doesn't care if he gets judging looks from anyone. If anything, the whispers of the adults, about what a selfish child brat is, makes his stance regarding sharing his snacks even firmer, because they would never share any food with him. 

Thus, he obsessively hoards his snacks in the drawer next to his bed, deep inside so no one would see them. It feels like his actions don't escape the sharp eyes of his new friend, despite how little they actually see each other, because one time he handed Suou his teddy bear with a shy smile. 

“Her name is Jun.” He gives the plushie one last hug before pushing it into Suou's hands, who grabs the new present with shaky hands and holds it tightly himself. He wouldn't even imagine refusing this gift. From here on, he takes care of the teddy bear as though it's his most prized possession, taking it everywhere and shrieking when a nurse offers to put it away while they take him for his regular checkup. No one is allowed to touch Jun, and when he can't have Jun with him, he hides her under his pillow. 

He feels content, sitting with his friend and Jun in the yard every Wednesday, under the persimmon tree. But of course, good things don't last forever – good things can't last forever, not for Suou. His condition becomes worse – one moment he’s on his bed, letting out a tired smile after an exhausting day, and the next he's screaming in anguish. The pain that goes through his body is indescribable, and it starts right where his eyes used to be. 

Is this karma? A lone thought wanders in his head as the doctor rushes in. The medicine kicks in shortly thereafter, and he can't feel anything, neither the pain nor a sense of his body. It's as though his soul is floating. He thinks he heard one of his uncles talking about, the state of enlightenment, where one's will is put to the test. If they can't pass the test, they perish. 

But this is a test for the worthy and Suou certainly isn't one. He was told he would never reach enlightenment and that he wasn't allowed to practice his family’s teachings, lest he bring shame on his family by misusing them. All because he's now disabled, he thinks bitterly. 

In his delirious and bitter state, where every piece of furniture in the room dances around, it's easy to convince himself he's imagining his mother standing by his bed. She's screaming about what a bad child he is, just like she always does, for being so weak and pathetic. He's helpless, as he's unable to move due to being so heavily sedated, so he has to listen to his delusions of his mother belittling him. 

It should end soon, he thinks of faraway places. He thinks about those freckles that dance on his friend's face as he laughs and he thinks about Jun. Jun should be here somewhere, he wishes he could hold her close, but if he concentrates hard enough – he thinks he can feel her fluffy fabric brushing against his hand. 

“You ungrateful brat! I raised you so carefully and this is how you pay back to me? Now we can't stay in the main house!” Suou has difficulties deciphering her words at first. Spending the past year in Japan meant he got used to Japanese, and now Mandarin sounds so unfamiliar. But he quickly remembers her unique pronunciation, something attributed to her countryside background. She always hated how her accent sounds, always made sure to copy the way others talk to fit in, but when she loses her temper and starts yelling…she reverts right back to being an uneducated country woman who seduced the young master. 

Suou feels disgusted when he thinks about that. He begins to realize this isn't some delirious dream he's having, because it doesn't end. He can usually make it stop when he closes his eyes and let sleep wash over him. 

What confirms it for him is the addition of another voice. A meek voice that grows stronger when his mother shrieks and curses in response. 

“S-stop yelling at him!” 

“Who is that child? Go away while I speak to my son!” 

They can't understand each other. His mother doesn't speak Japanese and his friend doesn't speak Mandarin. Suou opens his eyes slowly and looks to the side. The sight makes his heart flutter – his friend stands between the bed and that vicious woman, his hands spread out as though this could stop her from hurting Suou. It doesn’t, but just the thought of someone else defending him makes tears roll down Suou's cheeks. 

“You can't scream at him like that! He's hurt, so stop!” 

Unrelenting, Suou can only imagine the look on his friend's face, since he can only see his back now. He imagines those fiery eyes that he saw weeks ago, chocolate brown eyes that made his heart swell with fondness. 

Unfortunately, courage alone can't stop this woman. In a fast motion, she steps in and Suou knows what's about to happen. He screws his eyes shut right when the loud sound rings out. 

SLAP. 

The tears come down harder. He is usually the target of these slaps, so he knows how painful they were, and he shudders thinking she dared to slap his only friend. 

Someday…I'll make her regret that. 

The tantrum was finally noticed, before she could go on and continue slapping the boy. She is still screeching as she is apprehended by security and is dragged out of the room. Only when Suou can no longer hear her voice, he dares to open his eyes.

“Ah…” The sight of his friend's face as he hovers over Suou hurts. His cheek is reddened and there are even scratch marks, most likely from her long nails. “I…” Speaking is difficult, both physically and mentally. 

“You don't need to apologize.” The boy leans even further to place a kiss on Suou's forehead. “Are you okay? I thought something happened since I haven’t seen you in three weeks, but…you look…so tired…”

He doesn't ask – who is she and what was she saying. Suou is grateful and he attempts to nod. “I think it's okay. The doctor said I’m through the worst part.” 

“Good.” He retreats, but doesn't move too far. “Is Jun helping you?” Suou looks as he organizes the blanket and puts Jun right in Suou's arms. 

“She does. Thank you.” 

Suou can't help but notice a sad expression on the boy's face. He waits for the unbearable silence to end, to hear the bad news.

“My grandmother…she passed away.” Suou grits his teeth. He knew this would come eventually, but he’s bewildered to see the sadness on the boy's face replaced with disappointment. “I wish…I could take you home with me. My parents are so nice – they would cook all your favorite dishes! My mom – she’s really good at cooking, but my dad is great at baking actually! Is that surprising? Oh, we don't have an extra room, but I don't mind sharing my bed, so…so…” The rambling stops as they both awkwardly glance at each other. They know it's impossible, just a farfetched idea that was doomed to forever stay a dream.

“It's okay.” Suou smiles. “Don't worry. I'm a strong person, I can manage.”

It's not a complete lie, since he's probably not returning to the main house. He isn't sure where he'll go, but he doesn't think this is too bad. If he stays in Japan instead, there was always the possibility he'd meet his precious friend once again. Besides, anywhere – even the streets – would be better than that house. 

“Okay. But can you promise me that…that you'll try your best to keep yourself safe?” 

Suou giggles. “Even better.” He beckons the other boy to lean in again, then he whispers his promise.

“That's…” The boy now joins his giggling. “Sounds like a deal.” His face becomes softer as he says this. 

“You can trust me.” 

This is the last time he sees that boy. His first friend – his only friend for a while. The rest of the days are spent in that bleak hospital room, with Jun alone to comfort him. The memories fade, both happy and sad, and are replaced by days upon days of nothingness. Days of the same routine that was ingrained into him, until she came into his life.

Chapter Text

Suou sleeps through another morning. Another wasted day, he thinks, but there's a feeling of uneasiness that creeps by. It starts when he eavesdropped on two nurses, without meaning to – really, only to hear hushed voices. 

“What’s going to happen with him ?”

“I… really don't know. I'm so worried.”

That's the first time they've shown him actual concern. He assumes it's his fault for being unfriendly and cold towards everyone, thus making him so easy to dislike. That thought hurts, so he squeezes Jun between his arms, holds her close to his chest so her head rests right next to his heartbeat.

Can you listen, Jun? What does it sound like to you? 

Jun can't answer. She's just a plush, after all, and her condition worsens over time. She's dirty and her arm is showing signs of ripping apart, but Suou stubbornly keeps her by his side. He could've asked the nurses for help in stitching her up, but he chooses against it. He doesn't trust them. 

He tells Jun that the nurses are talking behind his back yet again. The lack of answer is unbearable, and he pushes his face against what used to be a fluffy fabric, only to feel the scratchy stuffing against his cheek. Still, he buries his face in his plush, hoping this would cheer him up. 

Next is the doctor. The one whose smile is too smug and too bright, always showing his perfect teeth in an unnerving manner. He tells Suou that his recovery is going well, that he'll be released soon, and then it finally clicks.

They…probably couldn’t get in touch with his family. Knowing his father, the family paid in advance for his treatment, but there was no way to contact them. If they wished to have Suou back, they would've made it clear a long time ago. The fact that he was being treated in Japan meant he became insignificant. Though, he was sure they didn't completely forget about him, his ancestors are too meticulous and cunning for that.

He's hardly surprised when a week before his planned release date, with the medical staff stressing out, she shows up. He knew the head nurse was already in contact with child services, in fact – she was having Suou meet the social worker, when she entered the room. 

Like a storm, she opened the door with such a force that Suou had to wonder whether the door’s hinges were ripped off. Even if she didn't make such a dramatic entrance, her clothes stood out too much – an elegant black qipao with gold embroidery on it. Suou's vision trailed on the golden dragon, with its’ tail turning into a delicate flower. 

“What's this all about?” She made an expression when she saw the social worker leaning over Suou. “Who are you?” She pointedly asked the social worker. Despite speaking nonchalantly, her voice caused everyone in the room to shudder. 

“Oh, I'm sorry, but you can't just enter rooms like this – “ The head nurse rushes to send her away. The social worker is visibly frightened by this strange woman's presence, and Suou can't blame her. Neither the social worker nor the head nurse can understand, but the way she carried herself is calculated. He saw the same tactics used by his mother, although, in a hindsight, her execution was laughable compared to this woman. 

“Silence.” She hisses at the head nurse. “Suou Hayato.” He feels the need to straighten his back when his name is called by her. “Hmm, a little small for your age, are you not?” 

He swallows hard. Is he being tested again? It feels like he's bound to fail, but he can't help it. His days at the hospital weakened him. 

“Excuse me! I’m talking to you!” The head nurse is undeterred and she stands in her way. “This is a private room!”

“And I'm this brat's guardian.” She smirks and pulls a paper out. “See this? Great.” She shoves it into the head nurse's hands. “Now you two – out. Ah…” A mother of one of the patients was also around, and the poor lady whipped her head with a scared expression as the strange woman pointed at her. “You as well. Everyone – out, out! I don't care who you are, just get out!” 

“Good grievance, took them a while.” She clicks her tongue once the room is empty. “Ah, let's get the pleasantries out of the way, I hate this sort of small talk. My name is Asuka and I've received custody over you from your parents. They seemed pretty keen on getting rid of you, hmm?” 

His reaction almost confuses him. He was sure he'd feel a longing ache, but there's nothing inside him. Only a brief relief that disintegrates into small specks, all sucked into the void that silently grew inside his chest. 

“Oh?” Asuka is pleased with his reaction, though. “I thought you were a scrawny brat, but I guess I was slightly off the mark.”

She moves closer to Suou, each step of hers is followed by a sound that instills fear into him. As she draws near, her presence grows stronger – overwhelming – scary. 

“Hayato…” She rolls his name on her tongue one more time. “Do you know what kanji is used in your name?” He knows, but she doesn't give him the opportunity to answer. Instead, she continues talking as though his responses are optional. “A falcon and to fly. Now, what about Asuka? Heh, I bet you couldn't guess even if you tried – likewise, Asuka is made up from the kanji for fly and bird. Isn't it fate that led us to meet here?” 

Suou is stunned for a moment.  

“I can see the fire in your eye.” She reaches his bedside before he notices she's there. Her cool hand is tilting his head up so their eyes meet. “It hadn't died. You know how much your family paid for me to take you off their hands?” 

“Not enough.” He answers defiantly.

“Hah! Precisely so!” Her voice turns fond. “Alright, ‘let's get you out of this place. I absolutely despise hospitals.” 

Asuka leaves and returns after two hours. The room feels abnormally quiet without her, and Suou wonders if his days are going to be filled with this noise from now on. When she re-enters the room, she’s carrying a stack of papers and is followed by a doctor who tries to grab her attention. The doctor mumbles half sentences about the importance of treating Suou's injury and how often they should replace the bandages, but it's clear she isn't listening. 

“Let's go, Hayato.” This is the third time she uses his name and he feels giddy. Being acknowledged so often? It was usually for all the wrong reasons back in the main house.  

The rest is a bit of a haze. He’s sluggish from walking the distance to her car, every movement becomes a struggle when he’s spent days stuck in his bed, and he falls asleep the moment he sits in the car. 

When he wakes up, he sees a different scenery from the Japan he knew so far. Large green fields and large old houses. 

Is this what mother's village looks like? He reckons it's not so bad. If anything, the atmosphere is eerily calm. He squeezes Jun's hand, the one that’s almost disattached from the body, and conveys his feelings to Jun through his thoughts. 

Asuka stops the car before the front gate, not bothering to back the car into the parking space. She opens the door and signals Suou to follow her. 

“This – “ She points at the gate. “ – is going to be your home for the next few years. I will support you until you start high school at the latest, but if you can't stand up to my expectations…” 

She didn't need to continue.

“I will.” He says out loud, more to himself than to her. An affirmation to hold him grounded to this place. “I won’t disappoint you.” 

“Good, that's the right attitude.” She grins. “Now…that doll – throw that away.” 

He hesitates only for the shortest moment before giving her Jun. It hurts to say goodbye to Jun, but he has no doubts that his friend wouldn't have any qualms if he was aware of Suou's situation. No – he would whole-heartedly tell Suou to get rid of Jun, so long it keeps him safe. 

“Welcome home, Hayato.” 

The morning afterwards, he gets a light breakfast and is immediately told to change to comfortable clothes. Once he does, he meets Asuka in the backyard.

“It's such a shame for someone with your potential to give up on martial arts altogether.” She says. “Why is that? Just because your former father said you can't practice his family's martial arts? Screw him, his method is as old-fashioned as his way of thinking. I'll teach you better.”

“Oh?” He is excited. 

“Don't get your hopes too high.” She ruffles his hair but then becomes serious. “My methods aren't the pretty movements you're familiar with. I taught myself from watching others, but I only took what worked for me. Anything else – I discarded. This is how you survive on the streets, you get it?” 

Suou nods, unsure how to react. 

“Now, before we do that. I need you to punch right in the middle of this wooden block.” 

He doesn't understand why, it's not a difficult exercise. Although, he soon realizes why – his punch doesn't land at the right place. 

“Just as I thought. Your depth perception will make your life difficult. Ah, don't look so disheartened by this – you know Date Masamune lost his eye as a child? But he sure made a name for himself – the one-eyed dragon, heh.”

“Then…” Suou puts his hand over his bandaged eye. “I will also become a one-eyed dragon.” 

“Under my tutelage, you will. And you will start by punching this block a hundred times.” 

He punches one hundred times, until his knuckles turn white and bruised. That day afterwards, he punches a one hundred and one times, and each day, the amount increases. Everyday, he punches and he kicks until he's worthy to spar with his master. She doesn't show any mercy when she fights him and he oftentimes finds himself on the floor in seconds, but he always stands up. 

Master, also, turns out to be a big fan of history. She has a library that can rival the library in Suou's former house, one that served his entire family. When he doesn't practice or meditate, he read her history books. There, he learns more about the historical figures she likes to ramble about. He finds out that Date Masamune's mother tried to kill him after he lost his eyes, deeming him as an unworthy heir to his father and favoring his younger brother over him. Suou can't help but imagine her face in the shape of his own mother's face. 

After a while, he loses the count of his punches, he simply punches until he feels tired. Only then, Master has him sitting down by the table.

“Drink your tea first, no need to be so impatient.” 

Suou barely moved from his spot, the only reason she knows is because she's attuned to his habits. 

“Master.” He bows deeply before taking the cup and drinking slowly. Patience is a virtue, but unlike his family's values there's always a good reason for his master's saying. However clichéd they are, she's not wrong when she tells him that assessing the situation first is always the smartest move. 

“Your family is too superficial. I see it with many of the old families to be frank, being extremely obsessed with the results but never paying attention to the theory. Do you understand me?” She likes to quiz him every so often, to sharpen his mind as she keeps saying. 

“They solely focus on training, but they don't stop to think about why they fight.”

“Damn right. This is the time, Hayato, for you to choose what you wish to fight for.” Her face dons a severe expression. “Whether it’s your values or for your revenge, it’s all the same. But, listen to my warnings, never choose to fight for another person.”

“Huh?” Suou tries to recall old memories. Everything is so distorted and distant, he can only remember fiery eyes in the shade of chocolate brown and the name Jun. He made a promise to Jun, that much he remembers, and while he’d forgotten the exact promise, he feels the fire in his heart whispering to him. 

Find him. Fight for him. 

“Hayato.” His master is displeased. “People change. Fighting for an unstable cause will lead you to your doom.” 

“I understand.” He brings his fist to his palm and tilts his head downwards, to show respect towards her. 

The least he could do after she took care of him is to pretend he’s taking her advice to heart. By her expression, she’s also aware of his intentions, but she keeps her mouth shut. 

From that day, Suou’s rhythm changes. Every move fits the tempo of that name. Every movement comes and goes by, Ju-n and it repeats. 

Jun.

Just wait for me, Jun.  

Chapter Text

Nirei always thought there was something familiar about Suou Hayato, but he couldn't quite pinpoint what. With the first day at school, he was distracted by his own excitement, the fact that he got to meet so many famous people in his school had him losing his wits. 

However, later that day, when he finally had the time to process his first day at school, he had to find out. The warmth of his blanket was comforting and his eyelids were heavy after such a long day, but it nagged it. Instead of giving in, he stood up and searched for a box under his bed – it contained ten years worth of notebook. The very first few were diaries, until he saw a documentary at school about scientists logging in their data, and then he switched his style. He could still recall that day, a humid summer evening, a week before summer break was over. He was so bored, he ended up turning on the TV and this documentary was the first thing that caught his eye. To this day, he remembered  he was awed at the attention to the smallest details, which made him choose to use the exact same methods to write his data. It was a good thing that  Nirei had an exceptional memory for that task, because even after a few hours, he could write everything down perfectly. 

The only gap he had was around the time his grandmother passed away. Back then, he was going through a difficult period. Being as sensitive as he was, Nirei saw the adults around him breaking down and crying, so he did the same – the only memories he had of those months were the excessive amounts of tears and sniffling. He wasn’t particularly attached to his grandmother, but losing any part of his family hurt regardless, especially when his mother was devastated by the loss of her own mother. 

And there – there was something that told him he was forgetting something important. A small voice in the back of his head that bothered him and told him to look again and again. But with the amount of diaries he had, it’d take him days to look through everything. His entries were at least ten pages long, and he oftentimes wrote down an excessive amount of details. He was unable to read more than a couple of diaries before he had to sleep, knowing the day awaiting him tomorrow would be the most frightening one he'd ever had in his entire life.

Not to mention – Nirei didn’t have this much free time on his hands. He had to make sure that Sakura settled into his role as a grade captain easily, so he’d rather spend the nights memorizing pages of information about their enemies, and he’d rather spend the days organizing their tasks so they’d be easy to understand. Those plans went down the drain, obviously, first with the fights against Shishitoren – which made him sick to the point of nausea when he thought about them. Upon returning, though, he had to log in the new data, about both Sakura and Suou, and that alone caused him to go to sleep late a second day in a row.

This obviously wouldn't be the last time and he'd become so accustomed to operating on three to four hours of sleep. Thanks to Sakura, every day was filled with a new excitement, and Nirei was anticipating and dreading each day. 

However, the turning point for him was the fight against KEEL. He felt so helpless, so useless, when all he could do was watch his classmates get surrounded and beaten up. That was unfair – Nirei was used to it, to be beaten up by a handful of bullies, but seeing his classmates suffer the same fate made his heart squeeze in pain. Not to mention Suou, who was forced to stay behind to protect him. Nirei was already grateful for Suou's kindness in general, so seeing him cornered all because of Nirei stung badly. 

Despite winning, it didn't feel like a win at all, and once he was on his own, the eerie silence in the house reminded him that he couldn't help Sakura. He couldn't help anyone, in fact. When was the last time he could proudly say he helped someone? That must've been a long time ago, he thought there was a faint image of a child looking up to him.

Huh? When was that? He jumped to his feet and looked for the journals he wrote during that year. That's – ! 

October 20th

Morning:

Today I visited grandma at the hospital. Mom and dad keep saying she's alright, but I can tell they're lying to me. When they told me to go play outside, I could hear the doctor talking to them. He didn't close the door after him and he said, and to quote him, “it's only a matter of time, I'm so sorry to tell you this.”

I remember the last time I saw grandma was half a year ago. She insisted on cutting fruit for me – she is so nice, I really can't imagine her passing away. When I saw her in the hospital bed, she was sleeping – she looked so peaceful, is she really going to die soon?

What happens when we die, anyway? In literature class, we had to read a book about heaven, but does heaven exist? 

I think this is really scary, but I'm also curious about it. 

Noon:

After playing in the hallways, a nurse told me I can't play there. I wasn't really loud, but she said I can only play outside. 

When I went outside, I met another kid. He's really cute! He's got his eye covered, so I think he’s hospitalized because of that, but I never asked. It feels like it'd be rude to ask, because I think he's really lonely. But that's okay! We agreed on meeting the next I’d be at the hospital! 

Oh, and I found out he's the same age as me, even though he's much, much smaller, and his name is Hayato. Whenever I used his name, his eye lit up and got really wide, so I think he doesn't get called out by his name very often. I hope I can meet him next week as well, maybe I can bring something nice too? 

Evening:

I asked mom what happens when we die. She looked shocked for a moment, but then she told me, and I quote, “let's sit down, okay?”. She said that whenever people pass away, they go to another place (meaning – she believes heaven exists), but we can still cherish the memories we have with them. I think I rather like this, because she said they can still live in our heart even after they're gone. But I also don't want people I love to be gone, is it bad to think so? 

I think I'll try to ask the literature teacher tomorrow as well. I'll record her answer here. 

Today's dinner was hamburger steak. This is the 8th time we had hamburger steak for dinner this month. 

Notes:

• Talk to the literature teacher tomorrow

• Finish homework in: Math, Japanese, Art

• Buy a small snack for Hayato (from the convenience store next to the school)

“Ah!” Nirei opened and closed his mouth, with no sound coming out of it. The notebook fell out of his hands and hit the floor with a soft thud, but it didn't register in his brain. “That was Suou…that was…!”

They met before. 

Nirei knew Suou from before. 

“Gosh, this is bad.” Nirei hid his face behind his hands. He had this stupid tendency to crush on people who were kind, even in the slightest, but his feelings towards Suou became something…stronger. Because he was looking after Nirei, always smiling at him and guiding him, and even earlier – just hours ago! – he agreed when Nirei asked to be trained by him. So, sure, Nirei knew his crush was on the verge of turning into actual feelings, and now he found out he met Suou before. 

“He really changed…” Nirei mumbled to himself and there was no denying it. That small child became such a reliable person…Nirei was almost jealous. If he had to compare his current self to his younger self, it was clear he became weaker and more pathetic. He almost wanted to cry when he realized how innocent he was back then, but then a certain memory rose up and made him shudder. Of course, Suou's…mother, was it? Nirei flipped through the pages quickly, searching for a specific paragraph. 

I was late to our meeting today, and Hayato wasn't there when I arrived at our usual spot. I don't know why, but I felt like something bad was about to happen, and I wasn't wrong. When I entered the hospital, I asked one of the nurses if she could help me find his room, but then we both heard screams coming out down the hallway. I saw so many nurses heading there and they didn't seem to notice me slipping inside the room. 

Hayato was there! But there was also a scary lady screaming at him. She was really pretty, even prettier than the actresses you see in the movies, and her clothes were so elegant. But her expression was disgusting, really ugly too. She looked worse than one of the Oni masks, and maybe she's not even human. I heard the sixth graders talking about how youkai can turn into beautiful people to deceive humans, but you can tell they're youkai because of their faces. 

I couldn't understand a word of what she said, as well. Hayato probably could, because he was staring at her with his eye super wide, but it wasn't twinkling this time, only unnaturally black because his iris was expanded. Besides looking scared, he was so helpless. It felt like he was asking for help, so I had to intervene. Though, she slapped me when I tried to make her stop, and it really hurt. She even scratched my face because she had such long nails, and she was getting ready to slap me again, but the security guard made her stop and drag her away. It took them too long – I know the nurses were outside the room and they didn't want to step in, because she looked insane, but how could they? Hayato was crying! 

I wish I could take Hayato with me. He shouldn't stay with a person who yells at him like that. He told me he'd be okay, and he even promised me ________. I really admire him and I'm sad I can't see him anymore. I know I should be sad because grandma passed away, but not being able to meet Hayato makes me sadder. Does that make me a bad person? 

Nirei felt a lump in his throat. That promise. 

Suou didn't acknowledge meeting him before, but he felt skeptical about Suou forgetting him, because Suou seemed to remember the promise. So why…why didn't Suou ever say anything about their past together? If Suou assumed Nirei remembered it as well, perhaps he didn't want to talk about it.

That hurts…

Nirei has always been a sensitive person, the type to cry extremely fast. Those emotions of admiration and adoration, everything he's been carrying inside his heart since he was a kid, even without being aware of it, all became an aggressive whirlpool inside his heart.

And there was this voice in his head that kept asking questions. Suou always seemed suspiciously nice to him, right from the start, was it because he was obligated? Due to the promise? He was only making good on one part of the promise, did it mean he chose to disregard the other half of it? Obviously, it was just a promise between two children, but Nirei's heart still fluttered when he thought about it. 

“I really like him.” Nirei whispered slowly, face crestfallen. “I know it won't go away fast, it never does, but this…this is just me, huh? He doesn't feel the same, he…wouldn't…”

Of course! Why would he – he shouldn't…! Nirei was ashamed, because he grew up like this. Suou probably found him pitiful, just a delusional boy who had to face reality when he grew up. Unlike Suou, he wasn't anyone exceptional and he couldn't even protect himself. When others fought, he couldn't do anything. 

Suddenly, Nirei felt exhausted. He wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days.