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Raph had always known his responsibilities as the oldest.
He was the oldest, the one who was the biggest, the one who always had to keep his brothers safe. That was his job.
He was the one who kept the twins back, telling them Mikey was too little to try walking yet. He was the one who helped Donnie find something to burrow under during his first meltdowns, laying on top of the softshell back before they had any weighted blankets. He was the one who helped or protected Leo every time the slider tried to do something that would get himself hurt.
He was the protector. The shield. The guardian. So he didn't understand why Leo was so mad at him now.
"I didn't need your help, I was handling it!" The slider shouted, glaring at Raph as he bandaged his own arm.
"A building nearly fell on top of you and you call that handling it?" Raph clipped back, his hands still shaky from what had almost happened.
"I was going to portal out! Now Hypno has the weird necklace thing!"
"You would've been crushed Leo!"
"I had it under control! God, you always do this, I don't need a babysitter!"
"Well clearly I can't let you do anything alone!"
Leo scowled. "LET me?! You don't LET me do anything! I do what I want, whether you like it or not! Quit SMOTHERING me and back off!"
"Leo-!"
Leo shoved past, leaving before Raph could stop him. Probably for the best anyway. They could talk after they both cooled off. Raph headed towards the kitchen, hoping to get himself some water and maybe something to hold him over until dinner.
Speaking of dinner, it looked like Mikey had already started preparing it. He was at the cutting board, chopping up vegetables while a pot of water prepared to bubble on the stove.
"Hey Mikey, whatcha makin'?" He asked, leaning over Mikey's shoulder.
"Chicken soup!" The box turtle said happily. "Donnie hasn't been feeling well, so I thought this would be a good way to help!"
"Don's not feeling well? Why didn't he say anything?"
Mikey paused for a moment, then smiled at him.
"He probably just didn't want to worry you. It doesn't sound too bad- ow!"
He pulled his hand back, dropping the knife onto the cutting board.
"Are you okay? Hang on, I'll get the first aid kit, just don't move-"
Mikey rolled his eyes. "Raph, I'm fine, it's just a small cut."
"Still, we have to be sure. Maybe I should take over-"
Mikey's eyes flared as Raph reached for the knife.
"Raph, I'm fine. Stuff like this happens all the time."
"What?! We shouldn't let you cook if you're getting hurt every time-"
Now Mikey's expression was getting dangerous.
"Raph, I'm. Fine. Accidents happen. Let me focus."
"But I-"
"Raph! Does Dr. Delicate Touch need to tell you to leave too?"
Raph flinched, but backed off. He should check on Donnie anyways, if the softshell really wasn't feeling well.
As expected, Donnie was working in his lab. He had a tissue box next to him, and the trashcan had several already in it.
"Donnie? Why are you working?" He kept his voice soft and gentle, since apparently he was pissing everyone off today. Still, he swore he saw Donnie's eye twitch.
"Because I need to update the tank's defense so we don't get flipped again."
"And I'm sure that's, uh, very important, but maybe you should take a break-"
Donnie set down his tools and turned to him.
"Raph, I need to finish this. I can't take a break right now or I'll lose my momentum."
"But Mikey said you weren't feeling well and you never said anything so I just want to make sure-"
"This is exactly why I didn't want to tell anybody!" Donnie shouted, pushing away from his desk. "I'm fine! It's just a small cold, I don't even have a fever!"
"You should still rest-"
"Raph! Please I-" He stopped and took a long, deep breath. "I am perfectly capable of resting when I'm not feeling well. Considering I feel fine, I'm going to keep working. Now get out."
Raph opened his mouth, then shut it and looked down.
"Right, right uhm...just...take care of yourself..."
He turned and left, shutting the door quietly behind him. Maybe there was still something he could do to help everyone. A way to take care of them anyway.
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When Raph got back, his heart was three times lighter than before. He'd managed to find a few things that would hopefully lift all his brothers' moods. He'd really tried to find things his brothers had mentioned needing, or wanting.
Now, with all the items carefully held, he starting looking for his brothers. He checked their rooms first with no results, and Donnie's lab was empty too. Raph wandered into the living room, but that was empty too aside from their sleeping father.
He could hear voices in the kitchen as he got closer. They were talking quietly, but as he got closer Raph could make out what they were saying.
"-so annoying, I mean, is it that hard to believe I can do something on my own?" Leo said, his tone clearly exhasperated. "It's like he thinks I'm five years old!"
Raph paused. They weren't talking about him, right?
"Regardless of the fact that you are concerningly reckless at the best of times Leon," Donnie said. "I have to admit you have a point."
"He doesn't think we're kids, he just worries about us," Mikey said gently.
"Yeah well I never asked him to worry about me," Leo snapped.
"It's a little annoying but it's because he cares-"
"Well maybe he should quit because frankly, I don't need it. None of us need babysitters, we're grown turtles."
Raph stood, eyes wide, as the other two brothers made quiet sounds of agreement with Leo.
"C'mon Mikey, even you have to admit it. He smothers you worse than any of us!"
"...He did freak out over my hand earlier...It wasn't even that bad, but he acted like I broke something."
"See? He's completely ridiculous, we can take care of ourselves we don't need him to baby us all the time!"
They... Did he really annoy them all that much? He'd just wanted to make sure everyone was okay, taken care of, but if he was making them upset...
Raph turned and quietly made his way back to his room, stashing the bundle by his door before dropping onto his bed.
This...he could still fix this...he just had to back off. Just...leave his brothers alone. Don't smother them, it would...It would all be fine. He'd fix everything.
There was a knock at his door.
"Raph, dinner's ready."
Mikey. Dinner. Right.
"Uh....I'm comin'!" He called back, rubbing at his eyes. At least he hadn't actually cried. Teared up, yeah, but no crying. He didn't want to bother his brothers with that anyways.
When he joined them in the kitchen, everything seemed normal. Like they hadn't just been talking about him. Mikey was setting down bowls for everyone while Leo purposefully pissed off Donnie. Neither of the twins even looked at him when he sat down.
Did they ever do that before?
Mikey set a bowl down in front of him and smiled.
"Thanks Mike," Raph said, taking a spoonful to distract him.
It was incredible, and Raph's first thought was to start gushing, but he paused.
No smothering.
So he kept his mouth shut and kept eating.
After a moment he noticed Mikey staring at him and paused. The twins quit their banter when Mikey cleared his throat.
"So, uhm...how is it guys?" The youngest asked, but his eyes barely passed over his other brothers before landing back on Raph.
"Muy Bien little brother."
"A true delicasy."
The twins bother turned to join Mikey in staring and Raph coughed.
"Uh...it...i-it's good Mike."
There was a pause, before Mikey's smile changed. He didn't know how, but it was different now.
"Is it too bland? Because I can add more seasoning-"
"No, no it's good, really it's- it's fine." Why was Mikey upset? Raph had said he liked it!
Raph looked back down at his bowl. He didn't know what was wrong with him today. He couldn't stop messing up.
He pushed his chair back and got up.
"Uh...I'm not that hungry, actually, I'm just...I'll talk to you guys...tomorrow."
He left, his bowl abandoned on the table and his brothers watching after him. As soon as they heard his door close, Mikey sniffled.
"Woah, hey, Mikey, don't cry," Leo said, moving his chair closer.
"He- he hates it," Mikey mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "He always talks about how much h-he loves my food-"
"It wasn't the food, he's probably just in a mood today."
"He always talks about my cooking- even on his bad days he still-"
"Mikey, it's okay. The soup is phenominal, there's no way he doesn't like it."
MIkey sniffled again and let out a breath, leaning into the arm Leo wrapped around his shoulders.
"He's probably just not hungry. You know how the really bad days can get sometimes."
"He has been extra clingy since lunch," Donnie chimed in. "going off the current data, he's probably winding up for a bad day tomorrow."
"See? He always skips dinner on bad days, it's not your food Mike."
Mikey nodded, rubbing his eyes one more time.
"Right. Bad days. I'll...I'll make sure we have the right stuff for him, after dinner."
"Good idea. Now, let's get back to your amazing soup."
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The next day was a hard day. Raph woke up to voices and pink and screams. His arm was stiff and aching and there was a headache behind his eye. Still, he forced himself out of bed and dragged himself into the kitchen to get some painkillers.
Donnie was the only one in there, sipping on his coffee and scrolling on his phone. He looked up immediately and Raph must've been pretty obvious because the younger's eyes widened.
"How bad is it?" Donnie asked, standing up as Raph leaned against the doorframe.
"'S...not bad, just...heavy...loud..."
Donnie frowned and grabbed a bottle of painkillers out of the cabinet and a glass of water.
"Sit down, I'll get you something easy."
Raph did sit down, but even the headache didn't stop him from noticing how Donnie was moving slower than normal.
"You feelin' any better Dee?"
Donnie paused, his eye twitching again.
"I'm perfectly fine, he said honestly."
Confirmation he was lying. Raph wanted to argue, to tell him he needed rest too, but stopped.
Don't baby him.
"If you're sure."
Donnie gave Raph a look as he set down the glass and handed his older brother the pills. Raph never backed down that easy.
"You're acting strange," he blurted. "Worse than normal."
"No, no I'm- it's not that bad, just a small headache. I'm gonna go back to bed after this, just needed the meds."
He downed the pills dry, trying to pick up the glass only for his hand to refuse to close. Donnie raised an eyebrow, but Raph was already pushing himself up.
"I uh...yeah, thanks. I'll...I'll see you later."
And he was gone, leaving Donnie with concerned and confused questions.
Raph might not always tell them everything, but he hardly ever lied to them.
If that wasn't enough to worry Donnie, the fact that Raph never came back out of his room was. Raph never wanted to be alone during his bad days, so him not coming back out was concerning to say the least. When Donnie told Mikey and Leo about what happened that morning, his blue-banded twin scoffed.
"He's fine, I'll go get him. He probably just doesn't want to bother anybody, you know how he gets."
Leo understood better than the others how bad it was to be alone on the bad days. Raph did the same thing he did, where he didn't want anyone else to worry.
So, he did what any good younger brother would do and started banging on Raph's bedroom door.
It didn't take long before Raph groaned and Leo stopped.
"C'mon hermano, we already know it's not a good day for you," he said, trying to keep his voice cheery. "C'mon out and let us help, you know it only gets worse when you're alone."
"...Go away Leo."
Ahhh. One of those days then.
"You know I don't blame you Raph."
"I know, Leo."
"Then quit feeling guilty and get out here."
"I said I'm fine. Just go away."
"I'm not leaving until you come out."
"Fine, sit out there. Doesn't change anything."
Well shit, that always worked. Raph really wasn't coming out this time.
"....We'll be out here if you change your mind. You don't have to tough it out alone."
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They all knew something was off. Raph was...distant. And it wasn't his usual bad-days-guilt-ridden distant. This was...specific. He wasn't checking on them anymore, wasn't yelling at them for doing stupid things, barely looked when Mikey came to show him something.
"What if he's mad at us?" Mikey asked one night, when him and the other two younger brothers were all sitting in the kitchen. "We were really mean to him before, and now he won't talk to us..."
"He's not 'not talking' to us," Donnie corrected. "But he definitely seems uninterested. It's like he doesn't care anymore."
"But he does still care!" Mikey said, his voice rising. "He has to care! Raph always cares!"
"Of course he cares Mikey," Leo said. "It's obvious what he's doing. He's trying to punish us!"
"What?"
"It's obvious. We pissed him off and now he's trying to punish us by giving us the cold shoulder!"
Donnie's brows furrowed.
"He can't do that."
"Well he's clearly trying." Leo paused, then a mischievous look split his face. "I say we give him a taste of his own medicine.
When Raph made it to the kitchen that morning, he was surprised to see all three of his brothers already awake.
"Morning Mikey," he said as he stepped next to his youngest brother. "You're up pretty early, everything okay?"
Mikey didn't answer. He just finished making his toast and walked out of the room. He didn't even look up.
Raph frowned.
"Hey, is Mikey okay guys? He's acting kinda weird..."
Raph turned to his remaining brothers, only for neither of them to respond.
"Uhhh...guys?"
Nothing. Raph bit his lip.
"Is..."
He wanted to ask if they were okay, but that word kept turning and turning in his head.
Smothering.
He turned away, grabbing his water and leaving again. It was fine. They were probably just...tired. Raph had seen them up again, whispering. Without him.
Stop it, you're not alone. Your brothers are right there. You're fine.
He was alone.
Maybe not technically, but he may as well be. His brothers had completely cut him out. They didn't even look at him, and half the time he left the room when he walked in. They were hanging out with each other more, leaving without him, joking with each other.
And Raph was alone.
After a few days Raph had tried flat-out asking why they wouldn't talk to him, trying desperately to keep his hysteria under control. Was he still smothering them too much? But they didn't answer. In fact, they just kept having their conversation like he wasn't even talking.
It stung, and Raph ended up hiding in his room for the next two days. Fine. If he was still bothering them, then he would just...not. He'd give them their space.
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It was a week of this before they had to go fight anything.
They'd taken crime-fighting easier since the invitation, letting the humans handle the humans and sticking mainly to mutants. But now Meat Sweats was causing trouble and the team was forced to deal with it.
Raph had thought - hoped - that his brothers would at least talk to him during the mission. But there was still nothing. Leo gave Donnie and Mikey the plan and the three took off before Raph could even ask what he needed to do.
So he just bit back the tears and did his best to use his hurt on the Pig's newest creation; food that fought back. He was doing a decent job ignoring his own feelings, letting his brothers do whatever they were trying to do.
Until he smelled the smoke.
It wasn't the same as Mikey's fire - that had a very distinct sweetness to it - but this was thick black clouds billowing from the stairwell that led below.
"Guys!" Raph shouted, turning to his brothers. "The building's burning down, we gotta go!"
His brothers didn't even pause. They just kept doing whatever new movie they'd practiced and completely ignoring Raph's rising panic.
"Guys, seriously we need to go!"
Nothing. The smoke made Mikey cough and he looked up.
"Leo, fire!"
Now Leo reacted, looking past Raph to the doorway as he sliced a head of lettuce in half.
"Shoot, we gotta vamanos!"
The other three grouped back up and Raph stepped to join them as the entire building shuddered. Leo coughed, swinging his sword and scowling when it didn't make a portal.
"Shit- what's going on?" He kept trying, but his swords just sputtered.
"It's- it's something in the smoke," Donnie choked. "Something's blocking our Ninpo."
The ceiling started to crumble, a chunk hitting Mikey's shoulder.
"Ow! How do we get out?"
Raph's eyes sparkled for a split second. He knew this one. Maybe this could fix everything.
"I can get us out," he said. "I know a way out."
There was a hole in the wall one floor above them. He could help, he could make his brothers like him again-
"My battle shell can hold us, grab on," Donnie said, wrapping an arm around Mikey.
Raph knew the battle shell couldn't lift the four of them. They wouldn't leave him here, would they? They weren't...they didn't want him dead, right?
But Raph watched as Leo hugged Donnie and the three took off, Donnie's shell carrying them through a crumbling window and off into the night.
...What? Had they really just...
Raph knew they were angry but...but this...
They really didn't love him anymore.
He took a shaky breath only to choke on the thick black smoke. Right, he needed to get out. He could...he could figure out what to do later.
Raph bolted for the staircase, the floor and walls crumbling around him. The flames were hot even from the floor below-
All at once, the entire building came crashing down. Raph tried to form his ninpo shield, only managing brief red flickering as he crashed through floor after floor after floor.
After the first five, everything went black.
Mikey was the first to realize something was wrong.
The pain in his bleeding shoulder had clouded any thoughts, but Leo stopped before they got back into the sewers to fix him up.
"There's no way you can walk through the sewers with an open wound," Leo muttered. "That's practically begging for an infection."
"You could just portal us," Donnie said. "We're out of the smoke."
Leo shook his head.
"Still better we patch it up before we get down there."
As Leo finished bandaging his arm, Mikey's vision cleared a bit and he frowned.
"Guys...where's Raph?"
Leo didn't look up, but Donnie tilted his head.
"What? He's right..."
But as the softshell looked around, his artificial eyebrows furrowed.
"But...wasn't he just following us?"
Leo finished and looked around.
"He's probably just...a few buildings back. It probably took him a sec to get out."
"I...I wanna wait for him," Mikey said. "I know we're mad but...something doesn't feel right."
Mikey's instincts had been oddly heightened since the invasion, but his brothers had been given several reasons to trust Mikey's 'feelings' by now.
"Alright, fine," Leo said. "We'll wait until we see him and then keep going, okay?"
The other two nodded, so they waited. And...waited.
After about 15 minutes, Mikey let out a choked gasp and collapsed, holding his chest.
"Mikey?! What is it?" Donnie knelt down with Leo, each twin putting a hand on Mikey's shoulder. Mikey was gasping, his entire being flickering slightly. Deep in their hearts, Leo and Donnie could feel Mikey as his ninpo writhed and spread, searching for something, reaching-
Donnie gasped.
"Nardo- he-"
But Leo felt it too. The little cave where their ninpo stayed, curled and connected and intertwined with each other-
It was missing something.
Someone.
Raph's ninpo wasn't there anymore.
"NO!" Mikey's shout was one that pierced both twins to their very core. "NO NO NO- WHAT HAPPENED?! WHY IS HE-"
The box turtle was up on his feet and running before either of the others had time to process.
"Mikey!" Leo shouted, grabbing Donnie's extended hand as the softshell flew to catch up.
"HE CAN'T BE GONE!" Mikey shouted, using his chains to move himself even faster.
And Leo knew Mikey was right. This...he would be able to feel if Raph was...gone. He was sure he'd know.
But just because he wasn't dead didn't mean there wasn't still something seriously wrong.
There was a brief moment where Raphael came to, his vision blurred by the pain and settling dust. There was no color to the wreckage, just grey and black and brown.
He really was alone.
All three of them froze when they saw the remains of what used to be a multi-story building. Now it was just a pile of ash and rubble. A pile that somewhere, somehow, had their big brother buried beneath it.
Mikey screamed, frantically digging through the dirt and ash and debris. Donnie was quick to join them, both of their species aiding only slightly to the search. Leo wasn't far behind, digging hard and dropping pieces of debris through portals as fast as he could.
Raph had to be there somewhere. They had to find him.
An hour into the search, Donnie let out a pained noise. Immediately, both other brothers were at his side as Donnie's shaking hand lifted the dirty red mask. Mikey gasped, and Leo let out a strained noise.
"H-He's gotta be close," the slider said, pushing more rocks off the pile. "He never takes this thing off..."
Mikey was digging again, blinking rapidly as his breathing sped up.
Leo reached out to him.
"Mikey-"
"He- He's here! He's here I can feel him- help me!"
The twins glanced at each other, then started digging. Slowly, surely, they uncovered their unconscious older brother.
He looked so...small. They'd never seen Raph as anything other than invincible, even during the invasion they'd had complete faith that Raph would be okay. But now, seeing him so still and hurt, they all had to wonder if this was how Raph saw them.
"We were so...mean to him..." Mikey sniffled. "He...he was just worried...a-and we-"
"We should've talked to him," Leo said softly. "But right now we need to get him home."
"Yes but how? He's four times our size!" Donnie was shaking his hands, pacing behind them. "My battle shells aren't strong enough for-"
"I got this."
Leo took out his swords again, staring at the blades for a long moment before he swung them.
Despite his trembling hands, the portal opened.
⋆⋅┃🐢┃⋅⋆
Raph woke up to blinding pain in his shell. it felt just like when he'd blocked Leo from getting hit, before...
Before...
His eyes snapped open only to immediately close them at the blinding light. Light. Light was good. Light meant he wasn't...wasn't gone. Wasn't...that.
There was a steady beeping in the room, further helping to ground him in reality. He was home.
...and he was alone.
Raph inhaled sharply, hearing the beeping pick up even as he buried his face in the pillow. He didn't want to be alone. Anything would be better than alone. Have his brothers yell at him, tell him they hated him, anything-
But why would they leave him alone?
His eyes stung, and every thought was blocked out by one word.
Alone. Alone. Alone.
The moment the heart monitor picked up, all three brothers were rushing inside from where they'd been unsuccessfully) to eat something. But they were in the medbay in seconds.
Raph had moved. He was curled in on himself, face hidden in his pillow. All three just stared for a moment at their older brother's shaking form.
"...Raph?" Mikey was the first to speak, taking a nervous step forward. And Raph...didn't answer.
The twins looked at each other before Leo was stepping past Mikey, reaching out.
"Raph...it's okay."
The heart monitor was still beeping like crazy, and Raph's breathing was fast and shallow. He wasn't hearing them
Distantly, Leo heard Donnie say something about a panic attack, but the slider was more focused on Raph's trembling form.
"Raph..." He stepped up to the bed, placing a careful hand on the snapper's shoulder. "Raph, it's okay. Just breathe."
The older brother's head snapped up, eyes wide as he turned. He froze when he saw Leo, his breath hitching.
Then he just let out a breath and turned away again.
"Raph...?"
"...I'm sorry..."
Leo blinked. Mikey made a noise somewhere behind him, and Leo could feel Donnie's surprise from across the room.
"What? For what?"
Raph turned as Mikey stepped forward, his eyes showing just how close Dr. Delicate Touch was to the surface.
"I shouldn't have come back...should've left..."
"Raph, you didn't come back," Donnie said, concern audible in his tone (which meant he was terrified). "We brought you back here. You were unconscious when we found you."
"What?" Raph's brows furrowed. "But you...you got out...you left..."
"We thought you'd be okay," Leo said. "You said you knew a way out!"
"Couldn' make it..." Raph mumbled. "building collapsed too fast..."
Donnie choked. He'd been the one to get them out. He'd been the one to leave Raph in that building.
"Raph, we-"
Raph forced himself to sit up, grimacing as his shell was moved.
"Raph you need to lay down-"
"Why isn't Raph enough?"
Leo froze with his hand halfway to Raph's shoulder. The snapper's voice was shaking, and his eyes were glossy.
"You are enough," Mikey said quickly, moving closer. "We-"
"Raph tries to be good. I try to keep you safe, try to help, b-but you- you don't like it, so Raph stopped bothering. But it wasn't enough..."
Mikey gasped quietly and Leo had to focus on his own breathing. Donnie was shaking his head, hands rubbing at his tech bo.
"Raph tried....he really tried..."
Raph rubbed at his eyes, while Mikey broke down completely and lunged for his oldest brother. He wrapped himself tightly around the snapper, sobbing into his brother's shoulder.
Raph looked genuinely surprised, but hugged Mikey back with a desperate noise in the back of his throat. It reminded Leo of the chirps and squeaks they used to make as kids, before they learned English (or Portuguese, in Leo's case).
Donnie let out a distressed click, clearly wanting to join the hug despite his entire skin itching at the thought.
Mikey let out a pained chirp, begging Raph for safe.
Leo moved closer, biting back the click in his throat in favor of words.
"We never meant for it to get like this. We thought...we didn't realize how awful we were, or how much it was affecting you. I'm sorry Raph."
A click of agreement came from both Donnie and Mikey, and both twins finally joined in the hug. Leo clung to Raph's arm while Donnie (still highly itchy) leaned carefully against the snapper and pulled the older's tail around him.
Raph rumbled in his chest, a desperate sound that pulled at each of them.
Stay.
Stay, Leo chirped back, hugging Raph's arm tighter. Love. Sorry.
Miss you, Mikey clicked. Donnie repeated the click, and then Leo. All three of them, over and over, repeating the promises and apologies.
Love. Miss you. Stay. Sorry.
And Raph curled into them, chirping one final sentiment.
Not alone.