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Armed with a needlessly large bouquet in his left hand and a small package of sweets in his right, Eichi enters the hospital he has known for so many years.
This time, though, he is not the patient. It feels eerie, to be a visitor rather than the one being visited–is this how his friends and family feel whenever they come to see him? No, what he is feeling now is something he guarantees none of his colleagues have ever felt. This feeling of guilt, dread, the feeling that this all could have been avoided if he had simply paid more attention.
He shakes his head, snap out of it. This isn’t about you. It’s about him.
Right, him. Would he even want to see Eichi? It’s too late to turn back, though. He asks the woman at the front desk for his room number, trying to dampen his growing negative feelings by repeating affirmations in his head.
“You’re the third visitor he’s had today! He must be quite popular.” The woman chirps. Eichi feels a mix of disgust and jealousy. How could she say such things? Does she not know why he’s here? Part of him wishes he was the first, the first to see him, to comfort him… The other two were likely his unitmates. There’s no need to be jealous of them, he assures himself.
The elevator ride is unbearably long. With every passing moment, Eichi’s palms grow more damp with sweat. Part of him still feels like he shouldn't be here— like he's disturbing a party he was never granted an invite to. He wants to run, maybe that would make him happy. After all the pain Eichi has caused him… After all the things Eichi has said behind his back… Only then does Eichi show up for him. When he is beyond his lowest point.
There will be time to ruminate on what a horrible person I am later, Eichi reminds himself as the elevator comes to a stop with a ding! He meanders about the hallway, looking at the names and numbers on every door… until he sees it.
There, on the door furthest from the elevator, in neatly written characters—Aoba Tsumugi.
Eichi takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with sterile hospital air. He tucks the bouquet under his arm, gently knocking.
“Natsume-kun?” Tsumugi calls from beyond the door, “Come in~!”
Eichis heart shatters. Tsumugi thinks he’s… Even then, it’s too late to walk away.
“Sorry to disappoint.” Eichi feigns a small smile as he cracks open the door. The sight of Tsumugi, so small in comparison to the hospital bed he lays in, makes him almost sick. He’s dressed in the same white hospital gown Eichi has known for most of his life, with an IV hooked up to his hand and thick bandages covering his forearm. Tsumugis hair is neatly tied into a ponytail, but his glasses are horribly stained, presumably with tears. He looks tired, he looks… sick.
“Eichi-kun! What a surprise!” Tsumugi smiles, his voice wavering, “I’m sorry you had to—”
“It’s okay.” Eichi interrupts. He doesn't want to think about that day ever again, he doesn't want to break in front of someone broken. He glances towards the table on the side of Tsumugis bed, noticing the array of cards and flowers. He walks over and sets down his gifts, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
Tsumugi tilts his head, “Um, is this about work? I know I’m late, I’m sor—”
“Will you stop that?” Eichi fights back tears, “I never want to hear you apologize again.”
“Ah… Well, alright.” Tsumugi goes quiet. The two sit in silence, the only noise coming from the rhythmic beeping of the EKG machine.
The first to break the silence is Tsumugi, glancing out the window. “It’s so beautiful outside during this time of year~ Remember, we’d always go on evening walks together during the fall?”
“You walked so fast,” Eichi laughs, “and you’d make us stop to look at every tree.”
“Hehe~ Can you blame me? I love when the world looks like this…” He sighs, leaning back into his pillow. The trees outside sway and bend in the breeze, leaves falling to the ground. “…Sometimes, I wish you’d text me again and ask to go on a walk, like old times.”
Eichi winces. They haven’t been on a walk together since their school years. Even after they broke up, Tsumugi texted every day, asking to meet up. It was only after the fourth week of radio silence that he finally stopped.
“Maybe, once you feel better, we can go on a walk”
“Really? That would be wonderful, Eichi-kun!” Tsumugi leans forward and hugs Eichi, startling the blonde. They haven't had this long of a conversation in… years. Let alone physical contact. Eichi feels a blush creep onto his face, he shouldn't be doing this.
“H..Hah, careful, I wouldn't want to make your boyfriend jealous.” Eichi avoids eye contact with his former companion as he squeezes him.
“Eh? Boyfriend? What do you mean?”
Eichi blinks, “Are you and Sakasaki not…?”
“You think I’m dating Natsume-kun?!” Tsumugi gasps, “Oh please! The truth is I haven't seen anyone since… um… Well, what about you?”
“Single.” Eichis heart throbs. He’s really been single all this time? Part of him is ashamed for thinking such things when Tsumugi is in a vulnerable state like this, but some repressed side of him gets giddy at the thought he could finally repair the rift he caused so long ago.
The sun dips behind the horizon outside, inadvertently causing Eichi to yawn. He’s barely slept a wink these past few days–any sleep he does get is painfully interrupted by the same nightmare every time.
“Are you tired, Eichi-kun? Here,” Tsumugi scoots over, patting the space next to him on the bed, “Lie down for a bit~”
Eichi shakes his head, “No, no, I really shouldn’t.”
“It’s okay,” Tsumugi sniffles, “Please?”
Who is he to deny the request of his dearest friend? Eichi obliges, sliding into bed next to Tsumugi. After a few moments, the bluebird rests his head on Eichis shoulder. The weight feels… comforting. It brings back memories, memories of sleeping together into the afternoon, of holding hands in the halls, memories of a happier time. Memories from when they were okay.
Eichi glances over at Tsumugi, now sound asleep. The scars on his body are so noticeable when he doesn't wear makeup, little pink lines are littered around his neck and wrists. Just how long has he been doing this? Why didn't Eichi stop him sooner?
He sighs, leaning his head against Tsumugis. He can feel the faint ba-dump of Tsumugis heartbeat against his shoulder… And for once, he closes his eyes and thinks about nothing.
–
“Tsumugi? Bluebird? Please, wake up.” Eichi chokes between sobs, pressing his shirt against the gaping wound in Tsumugi's arm as he cradles him in his lap. His blood seeps into the thin cotton at an alarming rate, and it won’t stop. Tsumugi’s breathing is shallow, his face looks sunken in.
“Saegusa, he won’t wake up– He’s not waking up.” Eichi shakes Tsumugi yet again, receiving only a weary groan as a response.
“He’s breathing, isn't he?” Ibara frantically types away on his phone, wiping away a small tear, “Keep pressure on that wound, an ambulance is coming soon.”
“Tsumugi, please, say something!!” Eichi practically screams, his tears falling onto Tsumugi’s cheek.
“Wh.. Ei…chi..?” Tsumugi coughs, his eyes fluttering open ever so slightly.
“Yes? Tsumugi?”
“...I’m sorry.”
–
“Fuck.” Eichi sits up, clutching his chest and breathing heavily. Not again, not again. He just wants…. Well, the clock on the wall reads 1:10. Did he fall asleep here? More importantly–Tsumugi is gone. The space in the bed next to him is empty, and wires dangle from the EKG and IV. No, this can’t be happening, he can’t lose him again.
Just as he’s about to get up and go search for the man, the door to the bathroom opens and Tsumugi steps out.
“Oh! Did I wake you, Eichi-kun?” He smiles.
Eichi feels like crying.
Tsumugi climbs back into bed, carefully reattaching all his tubes and wires. Eichi can’t help but sniffle, hugging the other close. Almost like clockwork, Tsumugi kisses his forehead, smiling before realizing what he just did.
Eichi blushes, and Tsumugi laughs nervously, “Haha, I guess old habits never leave you~”
“...I liked it.” Eichis face inches closer, “Could you do that again?”
Tsumugi blinks in shock, but obeys. This time, he kisses Eichi right between his brows.
“Your lips are still so soft…” Eichi smiles, falling back onto his pillow.
Tsumugi does the same, “Really? I’m so happy! That means a lot from you, Eichi-kun~”
Eichis legs wrap around Tsumugis, “I’d like to feel them more… If that’s alright.”
“Is that so~?” Tsumugi giggles, “I’d love to show you more.”
“Then, once you get out of here…” Eichi breathes, “Lets take a walk.”
“Sounds like a date~”