Chapter Text
When they had debuted, they had promised each others to always be by each others side and to never let anything shaken their relationship. They bonded through each other pretty well, and there's always new thing they learn each day about each others.
To Ricky, the thought of letting the other members know about his autism is unimaginable, however. Though Ricky had seen firsthand when Gyuvin revealed about his ADHD and the member was nothing but sweet, Ricky still hesitant about it. The only one who had known about him and his condition is Zhanghao, that was after a gruelling discover of the older when he had a breakdown too, he hadn't meant to let him know.
He’s now aware, however. And Ricky thought it wouldn't help at all to dwelling over the spoiled milk, so he try to see at the bright side which he had Zhanghao to lean on when things got too hard. And when the oldest agreed easily to keep quiet about it, Ricky is more than grateful he’s willing to do so.
But well, perhaps its true that there's only so much you could do before the truth revealed itself.
The day of fateful revelation was started with a long day at the photoshoot. The kind where time dragged and everything felt too loud, too bright, too much. Ricky sat in the corner, quietly fiddling with the package of his precious strawberry macaroon, the safe food he slipped inside his bag.
It was his small comfort amidst the chaos of their packed schedule. The meals that been prepared by the staff just gave him ick with the thought of so much unfamiliarity, that’s why he’s glad he had taken it upon himself to prepare for it. Though, Ricky dwells on how stupid of him to only brought one. But well, shits happened. Ricky shrugged as he thought the day wouldn't be so bad with just one macaroon to eat for lunch.
Zhanghao, already seated next to Ricky earlier, gave him a reassuring nod before leaving to grab his own lunch. “I'll be back soon,” he said, his calm presence lingering even as he walked away. Ricky watched him go, hoping for the man to be back soon, cause with Zhanghao knowing about his condition, the older man had become his safe place and thus become his another comfort to get through his day.
But it wasn’t long after Zhanghao left that the day took a turn. While Ricky was momentarily distracted, his macaroon placed on the table; Yujin, the youngest, who hadn’t realized, reached for his strawberry macarons. He was mid-bite when Ricky turned back.
Panic surged in Ricky's chest. That was his food. His safe food.
He didn’t even think. The overwhelmed feeling that had been building up all day broke through in that moment. He bolted from the set, running until he found an empty dressing room, curling up in the farthest corner, trying to breathe through the sudden flood of emotions. His carefully constructed day had crumbled in seconds, and all he could do was cry—tears flowing silently as he hugged his knees to his chest. It shouldn't upset him this much, however Ricky had no one to blame but himself to be stubborn about not letting anyone aside from Zhanghao to known about his condition. So Ricky could only sobbed, let the emotions flooded.
Meanwhile, Zhanghao had returned, only to find Ricky missing from his spot. Confusion briefly crossed his face before his gaze landed on Yujin, who innocently held a quarter of the macaron. Zhanghao's heart dropped.
Connecting the pieces immediately, he put his lunch to the table and rushed off to find Ricky. He knew where he’d be. It didn’t take long before Zhanghao entered the empty dressing room and found Ricky exactly where he expected—crying, curled up on the floor.
Zhanghao’s heart ached at the sight. Quietly, he knelt beside Ricky, not saying anything at first. He simply took out the strawberry Pocky he had picked up earlier, glad he had take it with him when he saw it.
“Hey … Ricky,” he said softly. “You know, I found your favorite strawberry pocky in the stash of snack they had prepared for us! I was thinking it could be enjoyed later, but seems like you need it more than me now though, right?”
It had reminds Zhanghao of their earlier days being trainee. Zhanghao oftentimes find he and Ricky like this, bundled in a corner with him softly spoke towards Ricky to letting him know that he’s here. Its not that Zhanghao complained, but sometimes he wished Ricky would let his guard down to let the others help him too, just like how Ricky had let Zhanghao to become his safe place. The other members is nothing but sweet, Zhanghao always knew they would more than happy to help.
Ricky didn’t speak, but his eyes flickered toward the Pocky. Slowly, he reached out for it, taking the box as Zhanghao sat down beside him. Ricky’s quiet sobs slowed, and he took comfort in the familiar taste of strawberries, the presence of Zhanghao grounding him.
It took some time before Ricky could sit up fully, and Zhanghao never rushed him. He just stayed there, keeping Ricky company in the stillness, understanding without needing words.
“Ricky, you do know that they deserved to know about this, right? If they had known, Yujin wouldn't eat the only thing you could eat for lunch,” Zhanghao spoke softly, and it had met with grumbles from Ricky.
“I know, ge,” Ricky answered, hesitated for a bit before continuing, “I just didn't know how to say it to them. Like, how should I say that I'm a total mess unlike how they had seen my persona all this time?”
Zhanghao frowned at that, disliking how Ricky spoke so lowly about himself. “They’ll still love you, Ricky. Well, you're not a total mess, you’re just ...,” Zhanghao trailed off at that, struggling to find the right word to it, and Ricky huffed at that.
“Well! Its still right that you’re not a total mess, you know? We all have our own struggle, but you see none of them complained about Gyuvin, right? And you wouldn't let that ball of energy say anything bad about himself and his attention span deficit, so I can't see why you’re so negative about yourself, Ricky.”
Ricky fell silent at that, let the words sinking in as he realizes how right Zhanghao had been. “I still couldn't tell them, though. I really don't know how, ge,” he then spoke, soft voice full of insecurities.
Zhanghao brushed his hair, softly chuckles, “Then I’ll be the one who would tell them about it. You gave me your permission to that now, right?”
Ricky just nodded, find no energy left to answer the question but his agreement is all Zhanghao need to prevent this situation to happens in the future.
They stayed for a moment until Ricky gaining enough strength to get up, and when they returned to the set, the other members were already staring at both of them, concern visibly showing by their frown of Ricky's rather pale appearance.
“We’ll talk later,” Zhanghao said firmly, before anyone could comment, glancing around at the others before leading Ricky back to their spot. The day carried on, but there was an unspoken tension in the air.
It was when the photoshoot end and all of themwere all gathered in their living room—Rickly curled beside Zhanghao— that Zhanghao finally addressed the group. “So, to start about what had happened today, Ricky … he’s not like everyone else. I’ve known for a while actually. He’s on the autism spectrum.”
The room fell silent, the members listening intently.
“I guess some of you had always wonders about why does Ricky seems just a bit ... different. Its not in a bad way, of course. It just like how we sometimes wonders where does Gyuvin have all the energy to explore that much, and how he is easily distracted. Its not the same, but pretty much there’s similiarity to it.”
Zhanghao paused for a bit, taking a big breath before explaining further.
“Well, its a lot to explain. But Ricky here is actually sensitive to lots of things and he’s good at not showing it. He never plan to tell me even, I just happened to know during one of his meltdown back then at Yuehua. There’s a lot about autism, I would send it to you guys later. However, what you guys had seen today was a result of his safe food being taken. Well, not to blame you Yujin, but Ricky today had settled with his one macaroon and you took it. It makes him overwhelmed, thus why he had ran off, and when we got back you guys had seen that ...,” Zhanghao didn't find the word, but the other already understand about what he intended about.
There's pregnant silence for a moment, but Yujin braced himself to speak up, his voice small. “Though I didn’t know about that … it wasn't any excuse for me to be so careless and assuming everyone would be fine with me stealing their foods. I’m so sorry that had happened today, hyung ....”
Ricky, who had been quiet, gave a small nod, accepting the apology. Zhanghao chuckles, “Well, actually Ricky had gone non-verbal. Today is already a lot so I really hope you guys won’t mind it. It wasn't your fault either, Yujin. If it hadn't been you took him, we would never know for how long he would keep hiding this.”
At that, Ricky grumbles, and the others softly chuckles at that.
From that day on, things changed. Slowly, the other members became more aware of Ricky’s needs, doing their best to respect his space and routines. And though Ricky sometimes felt ashamed about having to disclose his conditions, his members had stay there and goes through length to make sure he never been loved less just to become who he is. And Ricky had finally able to slowly let his guard down, goes as far as putting off his masking when he's just with his members.
Ricky actually glad they had known about it, at the end of the day.