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What if?
At first, Tendou didn’t think that it would be a big deal, he didn’t give it a second thought. Since he had met Ushijima, back when he was just a roommate and maybe a fellow teammate, he’d stuck close to him. Tendou had learned from him, about life, about volleyball, about what it feels like to have someone around that doesn’t judge you. Then Ushijima became more than just a teammate, or a roommate, he was a friend. Tendous’s first friend. It didn’t take long for Ushijima to make the jump from friend to crush, and then to love.
Tendou struggled his whole first year with those feelings, since he had two options, to confess or to take his feelings with him to the grave. The second option seemed like the obvious one but Semi found out and he kept giving him false hope. “Tell him, you won’t regret it” or “tell him, you don’t know what he’s feeling” and the worst “tell him, before it’s too late.” That one hurt, because it drove home the fact that if Tendou didn’t tell Ushijimi he’d always wonder. He would never know the answer to “what if?” He’d never know the answer to “what could have been?”
The outcome of telling Ushijima were two, well technically three. He would either accept him or reject him or he could be indifferent. If he accepted him then they could date, that one was the easy one. They could hold hands, he could rub it in everyone’s faces that he was dating the most powerful Ace in the prefecture. The second outcome was that Ushi would reject him, that he’d be disgusted by Tendou’s love. They would stop being friends with him, and then Tendou would have to go ask for a new dorm, and then he’d have to quit the team. The third outcome was indifference. Tendou didn’t want to think about that one.
So one day, while they were on a break with no homework and no practice, Tendou told Ushi to not make any plans, they would be spending all evening together. They spend the whole time watching an anime that Tendou picked out, he’d originally planned to let Ushi pick but the other had insisted that Tendou should pick. They had popcorn, they had soda, and so many sweets. The food, and wrappers, and empty cans littered the bed. They were leaning against each other, backs to the wall, looking at the computer screen that rested between them.
The episode had just ended, the screen displayed the timer for the next one. Suddenly Tendou felt choked, like he was suffocating, scared. He felt a lump in his throat, and his eyes were burning, the timer on the screen flicking from 5 to 4 to 3 to 2 to… “I love you.” he said into the momentary darkness as the screen shifted to start playing the next episode. He looked straight ahead not daring his eyes to flick to the side, no matter how big the impulse was. He didn’t want to see Ushijima’s face. He wanted to pretend that he hadn’t just destroyed his only true friendship.
Ushijima didn’t move either, he didn’t seem to have even heard Tendou. Maybe he hadn’t? Maybe he hadn’t heard him and their friendship wasn’t ruined. Tendou knew though, he just knew that Ushijima had heard him, there was no way he hadn’t. So, maybe it was option three… Maybe he was gonna pretend it didn’t happen. That simple thought sent a sharp pain through his heart. He didn’t want to live the next two years pretending that they were still friends when they weren’t. Avoiding each other. He didn’t want to spend two years by Ushijima’s side knowing Ushijima didn’t care.
As he started to pull away he felt Ushijima shift, his hand seeking out Tendou’s hand. Long, warm fingers hooked against his, locking them. They were dry, they were a bit cracked, they felt rough, but Tendou had never felt happier. “I am not good at emotions, I never have been, and yet, I know I care for you too. You’ve been there for me, and I want to be there for you. I don’t know if that is love, but I want to find out.” Ushijima was looking ahead while he said this, but his hand was gripping Tendou in a death grip.
Ushijima was awful at a lot of things, if they didn’t involve volleyball then they usually weren’t worthwhile, especially emotions, and yet, Tendou knew Ushi was opening up his heart to him. Tendou knew at that moment that Ushijima cared about him and that this wasn’t one-sided at all. Sure, it’d be hard, the other had the emotional range of a cactus, but it would work because that’s what Tendou had fallen in love with anyway.
One of the things he’d fallen in love with was the fact that Ushi couldn’t catch a hint. Like when he told the guy from Aoba Johsai every single time they saw him that he should have gone to Shiratorizawa. Tendou had burst out into laughter once when Ushijima had asked him why Oikawa didn’t take his offer. The poor guy didn’t realize that Oikawa hated his guts with a passion. In fact, Oikawa hated him so much there were times that Tendou stuck around just to make sure that he wouldn’t deck Ushi in the face for breathing by him.
One day, however, that changed. Oikawa turned around, his face full of anger, rage and spite coloring his every word, “fine! I’ll go! But Iwa-chan comes with me, and if we don’t make it to nationals I swear I’m going to destroy your future Ushiwaka!” Then the brunette turned and stalked away, tears staining the corners of his eyes. A desperate kind of want coloring every step he took away from Ushijima, who was smiling. Even then, watching Ushijima smile at Oikawa’s retreating back, Tendou never questioned why he wanted Oikawa to go to Shiratorizawa so badly.
Maybe he should have?
“He spends every single moment with him.” Tendou stabbed a piece of chicken with a chopstick, ignoring etiquette. He’s spent the last 23 minutes complaining about how Ushi never had time for him anymore. Ever since Oikawa came to the school it seemed Ushijima didn’t have time for anything except him. Surprisingly, once they weren’t on opposite sides of the net, Oikawa cooled down quite a bit and he became fast friends with Ushijima. So fast that Tendou at first thought it was fake but then he realized it wasn’t, Oikawa had actually come to like Ushi.
“That’s not true.” Semi argued from his spot at the desk across the bed where Tendou sat. They were in Ushijima and Tendou’s room, the tall ace nowhere to be seen. He was practicing serves at the gym with Oikawa. Always with Oikawa. “If anything, shouldn’t I be the most insulted one in this whole mess? Ushijima dragged that guy here and I lost my spot as a starter. Even that new guy, Shirabu, the first year? He’s really good but even he has no chance.” That was also true. There was also Iwaizumi, the guy Oikawa dragged along with him, was pretty good. He wasn't a starter yet but he was pretty close to being one and Tendou knew that wasn’t sitting well with some members of the team who had been around for years waiting for their chance.
The team was thriving though, everyone had to admit that. They were undefeated, even against colleges around the area that participated in practice games. Oikawa just had a way of… moving and positioning people just so that they were at the perfect position when they needed to be. Semi couldn’t compete, Shirabu couldn’t compete. Even Tendou, when it came to Ushijima’s attention, was starting to feel like he couldn’t compete. “Semi, it’s 8:34 and I haven’t even gotten a text from Ushijima saying he’s ok or something.”
In the back of his mind, Tendou was aware that he was just being jealous and irrational, because if the rumors were to be believed, then Oikawa and Iwaizumi were a thing, and that made sense. Still… What if they weren’t? What if Ushijima was interested in Oikawa? He and Tendou barely talked any more even though they lived together, and when they did Oikawa seemed to be part of the conversation in one way or another. It was always Oikawa, Oikawa, Oikawa. What if Ushijima didn’t love him anymore? What if he… what if… Oikawa?
Abruptly he stood up, Semi giving a double take as he stuffed his mouth with food, “where are you going?” His eyes drifted from Tendou to his food to the bed where he’s been sitting. He looked curious and like he didn’t want to ask any more questions. Tendou took pity on him.
“To the gym. To get my boyfriend.” Semi stood up, half choking and trying to grab Tendou’s shirt to stop him from exiting the room.
“Tendou, no. He’s not doing whatever you think he is. He loves you!” Tendou broke the grip on his sleeve, glancing back with an apology in his eyes. He bolted to the gym where he knew he’d find Ushijima and Oikawa. A sense of urgency driving him. He got to the doors of the gym, the lights still on, and after a second he pushed them open only to reveal a sight he never wanted to see. A sight that broke his heart in a billion pieces.
Ushijima was on the floor. His hands on Oikawa’s hips. Oikawa who was on top of him holding onto Ushijima’s shoulders. They were laughing. They looked happy. Ushijima’s eyes crinkled at the corners where his cheeks pressed up. He looked beautiful. Happy. And Tendou wasn’t the reason for that. Oikawa was. Tendou’s vision blurred with tears, his throat ached, he lost his breath. He was frozen.
Frozen until Oikawa looked up and saw they’d been caught. Tendou thinks he heard him curse, saw him stumbling to get up from the floor, he heard a “wait” from behind him, but he was gone. Tendou ran. He ran. He ran until his lungs were plummeting. He ran until his sobs won. He ran until he collapsed against a building. His sobs wrecked his chest. He was still trying to process what he saw. Why? Why? Why ?
“Are you ok?” A voice said from behind him, it startled Tendou more than he’d ever admit. He turned around, eyes wild and saw someone who would be affected by this as much as him. Iwaizumi.
“I-wh-I-no.” He couldn’t decide what to say, the tears still spilling from his eyes, the words dying in his throat. His confusion, his pain, and his anger were the only things Tendou could focus on. He acted on impulse, fist coming down to connect with Iwaizumi’s chest, “your boyfriend!” The reaction wasn’t what Tendou thought it would be, he thought that Iwaizumi would at least deny the relationship, if nothing else. Instead the other just sighed.
“What did he do?” While he sounded tired, he also sounded worried.
“Ushijima and him, they-they…” Tendou couldn’t finish. Iwaizumi’s eyes narrowed, looking intense for a moment, and then he sighed even deeper. His hands coming up to scrub at his face in exasperation.
“God damn it, Tooru. Again?!” Iwaizumi looked angry, but something was off, it wasn’t the right type of anger. He grabbed Tendou’s hand and started to drag him towards the gym where he’d just come from. Tendou tried to protest but to no avail. At one point Iwaizumi stopped and pulled out his phone to look at something, then he muttered something that sounded like, “yeah you better fix this,” under his breath but Tendou wasn’t sure.
When they got to the gym, Ushijima and Oikawa were sitting at the steps leading to the entrance. Tendou felt hurt and angry at the sight of them. He started trying to pull away again but Iwaizumi didn’t let him, he didn’t let go until they were both standing in front of the other two. “Explain. Now, shittykawa.” And while the anger was there, Tendou could still tell he wasn’t really angry.
“It wasn’t my fault this time Iwa-chan! My knee clicked!” Oikawa stood up first, directing his attention to Iwaizumi and then turning to Tendou. “I promise you it clicked and your farmer boy over there, which by the way, Tendou, honey, you could do so much better,” he glanced at Iwaizumi, who glared at Oikawa at that, “got it, not the point. Anyway, Ushiwaka had to catch me, but he hit his head so I started laughing, nothing else happened I promise.”
Ushijima was standing now too, behind Oikawa, silent but clearly worried. “But you were… you two are always...” Tendou made a hand gesture, and even though it made no sense it seemed to be enough for the other three to understand.
“I would never cheat on Iwa-chan! And especially not with him! God, who do you take me for?” The disgust was obviously exaggerated, but the sentiment was still there when Oikawa spoke. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes.
“You have to stop doing this Shittykawa, first Mattsun and Makki, then Suga and Daichi, now this? When are you go-” Iwaizumi looked like he was going to start lecturing but Ushijima interrupted before they went down that rabbit hole.
“Tendou, Oikawa and I were practicing, and he injured himself because he was pushing himself too hard. He fell and I caught him but he weighs more than I expected,” Oikawa interrupted Ushijima with a ‘hey’ but Ushijima continued. “I thought he’d be light like you so I underestimated, I fell back and hit my head. This seemed to cause humor in Oikawa.”
“You were laughing too!” Tendou accused, even though he wanted to believe Ushijima with all his heart.
“Oikawa’s laugh is entertaining. It sounds like a choking pig.” At Ushijima’s words, Iwaizumi burst out laughing as Oikawa loudly protested in the background.
“You’re still, you… you’re together all the time!” The tears from earlier, and the hurt, were fast returning to Tendou.
Iwaizumi was the one to step in this time. “Oh, yeah, Oikawa tends to do that. He sucks the life and time out of everyone around him. He’s almost caused two of our couple friends to break up for the exact same reason. So when you said… I just knew.” He shrugged and glared at the setter next to him who had the decency to look ashamed.
“Two? And aren’t you afraid that… that he’s actually…” The meaning was implied, and Tendou didn’t want to continue.
Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa who was staring right back at him. “No. I know he loves me. He’s it for me and I’m it for him. He wouldn’t. He’s just clingy.” Oikawa blushed and looked away, Iwaizumi smiled and looked up at Tendou. “Besides, he’s too stupid and loud to hide an affair.” Oikawa looked up, offended but still with bright cheeks.
Ushijima stepped into his line of sight and took his shoulders, “I told you I wasn’t good at emotions, and I fear I might have been neglecting you. I never meant to make you think ill of Oikawa and I’s friendship.” Oikawa scoffed from the side. “I ask you to forgive me, and I hope you will take me back.”
Tendou’s eyes filled with tears again, for an entirely different reason this time. He could only nod his head, launching himself at Ushijima, and hugging him close. At some point Iwaizumi and Oikawa left to give them privacy and Tendou appreciated it. They talked things out, working out scheduling and something that would result in them spending more quality time. Oikawa found him the next day in private, and they talked. The setter apologized for hurting his feelings and promised to work on his behavior so it didn’t seem so suspicious in the future. It seemed he had a reputation for it among his friends at this point.
In the end Tendou gained two more friends, when he’d originally thought he’d lost the love of his life. Semi gave him a quick, “I told you.” That was fine though, because he knew even if he’d been acting irrational that day. Even if he hadn’t had good reasons to race out of his room that day it was for the best that he had. If not, he’d still be wondering to this day, “what if?”