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“The winter beach must be so lonely.” Yoongi looked up at that and Seokjin smiled at him. Seokjin looked excited. “Because, you know,” Seokjin explained, “no one goes to the beach in the winter.”
Seokjin had come down with a cold, just like he did every winter. Seokjin had been getting sick often lately, even though usually he was the healthy one. But thankfully enough even though Seokjin got sick often, his illnesses were always light. “Hyung, do you want to go to the beach?”
Seokjin nodded excitement still evident in his shy smile, and Yoongi swept his bangs from his forehead so he could press his lips to Seokjin’s forehead. “When are you free? Maybe Saturday?”
“Saturday sounds great.” Yoongi snorted. “I make time for you whenever, but you’ll be over your cold by then. I’ll go pick up food today. What should I get?”
--
Yoongi hated the hospital with everything he had. Everything was so white. White walls, white sheets, white pillows, white beds.
White Seokjin.
Yoongi had always been the paler one, but now that Seokjin was sick he was getting even worse than Yoongi – so pale that he was almost blue. Chemotherapy had taken all of his hair away and Yoongi had bought enough hats for him to wear a different one, but Seokjin usually just had the soft black beanie pulled down to his ears.
But even chemotherapy wouldn’t save him. The cancer had been discovered too late, and the only thing treatment would do was elongate his too-short time left. Yoongi didn’t know what was worse – let Seokjin die within 3 months, or let him suffer through months of agonizing chemotherapy that left him exhausted in pain just for the chance he could live past a year.
Seokjin had chosen the chemotherapy, threading his fingers through Yoongi’s and whispering, I want to be with you as long as I can.
Yoongi kept quiet because Seokjin was asleep. That’s what most of his day was lately – sleeping, trying to let his exhausted body rest before his next chemo session. Yoongi looked out the window to the snow.
Chemo days were the worst, and Yoongi couldn’t understand why something that was supposed to help was so painful. Seokjin curled up into a whimpering mess after each bag was emptied into his veins, sometimes emptily retching off to the side and tearing Yoongi’s heart out.
“Is it – is it always like this?” Taehyung whispered, digging his fingers into his arms. It’d been 6 weeks since Seokjin had been diagnosed, but it was Taehyung’s first time coming with them to a session. Sometimes, Seokjin needed to be hospitalized because he’d come down with the flu or a cold and his body just couldn’t handle it, and Taehyung had been with them often enough for those. But never a chemo session, and Yoongi would have felt bad because he still wasn’t used to seeing Seokjin in so much pain, except he couldn’t feel bad for Taehyung when Seokjin was dying and his world was falling apart.
“Yeah.” Yoongi answered, voice quiet.
“How come – how come he doesn’t just stay here? He looks so weak and I can’t imagine he’s healthy enough to leave tomorrow.”
“He’s not. But he hates the hospital. If we stayed for him to recover, we’d never be able to leave.” Yoongi sighed, rubbing his fingers across Seokjin’s knuckles. He glanced up at the snow again. Even the outside world was being dyed white.
Taehyung was silent for a while. When he did speak up, it was a while later, when Yoongi was completely absorbed in watching Seokjin. “Are you taking him to the beach this winter, too?”
--
For someone as big as Seokjin, he was pretty good at making himself tiny and hiding behind Yoongi. Yoongi snickered, burying his own face in his scarf and applauding himself inwardly for remembering to wrap a thick scarf around Seokjin’s neck and slip gloves onto his hands. “Hyung, it was your idea!” He yelled against the wind, laughing.
“That doesn’t change how cold it is!” Seokjin whined, but he was laughing delightedly, clutching at the back of Yoongi’s jacket and ducking away from the wind.
Yoongi turned and wrapped his arms around Seokjin. Seokjin, still hunched over, looked up at him. “You didn’t think it’d be this cold?” He teased, bending to press his lips against Seokjin’s red nose. Seokjin giggled and stood up straighter and slipped his arms around Yoongi’s waist. Yoongi couldn’t keep the grin off his face and he lifted his gaze back up to the winter beach. There was snow on the sand, white waves roaring in the empty beach. It really did look lonely.
He turned his attention back to his boyfriend when he heard Seokjin murmuring, and Seokjin caught his gaze. He was smiling shyly, his ears a bright red not only from the cold, and Yoongi thought he was probably the most beautiful person on earth. He only grinned and hugged Seokjin tighter. He’d caught enough of Seokjin’s shy whisper to the ocean to understand what Seokjin’s wish was.
‘I wish Yoongi and the winter beach will be by my side always.’
--
They’d went back every year, Seokjin hiding behind Yoongi each and every year and whining because of the cold. But Yoongi knew Seokjin loved it – loved the quiet of the empty winter beach, loved that they were keeping the cold waves company while no one else was there.
Yoongi patted Seokjin’s hands. “It’ll be a little pushing it to go to the beach this year, huh?”
Seokjin only smiled tiredly and sank further into the bed. He looked so exhausted, and it’d been a week since his chemo session. And another one was coming up so quickly. Yoongi carefully climbed into bed, careful not to hurt Seokjin because even little things bruised Seokjin so easily now, and tucked his arm under Seokjin’s head. Seokjin turned to quietly rest his forehead against Yoongi’s cheek and curl his hand on Yoongi’s chest. Yoongi squeezed the hand, weaving their fingers together and Seokjin squeezed back, sighing softly.
The next morning, Yoongi tried to ignore the bruises on Seokjin’s pale hand and ended up crying in the bathroom with the shower turned on.
--
“Hey, Yoongi-hyung.” Jimin looked uncomfortable. “Have you.. considered taking Seokjin-hyung to the hospital?”
Yoongi frowned. “You think I should? He’s always gotten sick. I guess I could get him a checkup.”
“No, I mean.” Jimin bit his lip. “Hyung, I think.. And god I hope I’m wrong but. But. I think – I think Seokjin-hyung may have leukemia.”
There was dead silence, and then Yoongi frowned. “Jimin, that’s not funny.”
“Hyung, I’m not – look. He’s sick all the time. Lately he hasn’t been feeling hungry. He bruises so easily. I just – Hyung, please just go get him checked out. For anything. If it’s nothing that’s – that’s great. Please let it be nothing. But-“
Yoongi stormed out and refused to listen to Jimin any longer. But that night he made an appointment at the university hospital and took Seokjin to the hospital.
He called Jimin a week later and he’d never cried so hard.
--
“I want to go to the beach,” Seokjin whispered, once the pain had faded enough for him to talk. “It’s getting lonely, I think. I don’t want it to be lonely.” He smiled and it looked so weak Yoongi felt his heart shatter. “We can take a wheelchair, just in case I get tired. And then you can have fun pushing it through the sand.”
“All right, we’ll go this weekend.” Yoongi tried to put on a smile and patted the cold sweat away from Seokjin’s forehead. He pressed his lips against Seokjin’s dry ones and Seokjin giggled. “We’ll go this weekend, okay?” Seokjin nodded against his cheek, sighing and closing his eyes.
Seokjin didn’t make it to the weekend.
--
“Close your eyes.”
“Hmm?” Yoongi looked down at Seokjin. Seokjin was hunched up behind him, arms wrapped around Yoongi’s waist as he used Yoongi as a shield against the cold wind. Seokjin huffed and reached up to cover Yoongi’s eyes himself, so Yoongi snorted and closed his eyes. He felt a soft, cold peck on his cheek and his eyes flew open, but then he saw Seokjin with a hand full of snow and he realized Seokjin had smudged snow on his cheek. “Hyung,” He growled, bending to grab a fistful of snow.
It turned into a snowball fight, with Seokjin losing because Yoongi was, after all, so much more athletic than he was. He was snickering and brushing the snow off Seokjin’s shoulders and hair, but Seokjin leaned over him all of a sudden, cold lips brushing against his cheek. Yoongi blinked, and then he felt his cheeks flush a dark red. A flush dusted over Seokjin’s cheeks and ears that had nothing to do with the cold and they stood there, in silence for a few moments before Seokjin broke out into giggles and Yoongi rolled his eyes in exasperation.
“Your kisses feel like snowdrops on my cheek,” Yoongi whispered to Seokjin.
Seokjin giggled. “Always the poet, huh, Yoongi?”
--
The waves crashed angrily onto the frozen sand and lapped at the toes of his boots, demanding, Where is he? You said you’d come here every year together! Don’t come without him!
Yoongi stood quietly. He’d come to the beach on a whim, an urn of Seokjin’s ashes stuffed into his coat pockets. He whispered, “Don’t you see? He’s hiding right behind me trying to from the wind. When it gets warmer, you’ll be able to see him again.” The waves crashed angrily at him, and the wind roared across him. He bowed his head and let his tears flow. The wind whispered it couldn’t find Seokjin anywhere, that he was just gone.
Yoongi’s fingers curled around the neck of the urn and carefully pulled it out. “He’s right here,” he told the white waves. “I came with him again.” He squatted, uncaring of his coat getting soaked in the waves, and carefully tipped the urn, dusting the ashes into the froth. The waves seemed to dissolve into their own tears, and Yoongi let his own drop onto the sand below him.
A snowflake landed on his cheek, just like Seokjin’s cold kisses on the winter beach.