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The drip of the faucet was going to drive him absolutely nuts. But Shu couldn’t bring himself to touch the valve.
He was completely and utterly pathetic, a husk of the person he once was. He sat bare in the tub, wishing the water itself would swallow him whole.
Perhaps it would have, if he were truly alone.
Often he wished he died that night, that his execution had been swift and thorough onstage. What was the point of it all when he felt dead, useless, and unable to do anything? Is this how he would be remembered? A fallen ruler, stripped of his reign by his own fault? He knew they were cursed by fine, that the music suddenly stopping couldn’t have been his own fault. But deep down, Shu knew if he’d just tried harder, if he trained his dolls better, they wouldn’t need to have recorded their voices.
Dying changes everything.
Many artists only became popular after they were deceased, especially if the nature of their death or age was particularly shocking. Would anyone care if he killed himself now? Shu looked down at the bathwater, gaps in the bubbles seeming more like holes in the ice. Drowning was a terrible way to go out, his lungs would scream for air but it would all be futile. The human body could survive without oxygen for only a few minutes, but they would be the longest minutes of his life. Maybe he deserved the suffering. A tortured artist, as they say. But had he created anything worth dying for?
Nazuna was gone. He hadn’t said anything on the matter, but it’d been weeks since he showed up here. The last time they talked, Shu knew it was over. He hurled insults, spit so nasty it lingered in his mouth like a venom. It happened many times before, and Shu would have expected it to happen again, yet this time was different. Not one single tear dropped down his face. It didn’t matter what Shu said, be it love or hate, Nazuna didn’t care anymore. He’d lost any and all power he had over him with the simple act of indifference.
If asked, he would say his greatest creation was not a song, no, but Nazuna himself. He’d found a diamond in the rough, a sheltered doll in the back of an antique shop, and restored him into something magnificent.
Nazuna wasn’t his anymore. Shu had nothing to his name.
Pathetic… He was truly pathetic.
He wanted Mademoiselle. She could help right now, explain to Mika what was going on in ways Shu couldn’t verbalize. But… This was something she shouldn’t bear witness to. This humiliating procedure, how far he’d fallen.
He could tell Mika was looking at him when he wasn’t paying attention. Those mismatched eyes of his were always stealing glances. And he didn’t blame him, he was a wreck of a man. He knew he’d lost weight, his ribs visible and limbs boney. He hated the act of eating, putting food into his body disgusted him. It was impure, so many strange smells and tastes, not to mention the act of digesting made him want to throw up. Dolls didn’t need to eat, dolls didn’t age, or change, or garner any of the imperfections that humans did.
“Stop staring,” Shu said sharply. Did no one raise you right?!
But the words didn’t flow from his mouth. One of them was going to school right now, cooking his own meals and washing himself regularly. The other was naked in a tub, hunched over himself and hiding his wretched body.
Mika furrowed his eyebrows.
“How ‘m I spozed ta not stare at ya if ‘m washin’ ya…” Mika mumbled. He closed his eyes, and missed the shampoo bottle, knocking it into the bath. “Nnahhh…”
Shu sighed.
“Kagehira, open your eyes, you’re going to get water everywhere.”
He should be doing this himself. Had he really fallen so far that he couldn’t even give himself a bath? Shu tried, a month ago. He got into the water, nice and warm, and simply sat there until it became cold, shivering. No matter how much he wanted to leave the water, he couldn’t get out. Not until he’d washed himself, but the act itself felt unreasonably challenging. So he sat there, wasting his day away until Mika came home from school and refilled the water for him.
Mika opened his eyes again, a bit frazzled.
“I didn’t mean ta drop the bottle, I won’t do it again,” he said, hanging his head. “I know it’s expensive stuff… It smells real nice too…”
“Be more careful,” said Shu, gazing down at the water. Of course Mika was going to have to look at him to wash him. The poor boy took everything far too literally. “I just meant that it feels… odd. I’m unclothed, you have yours on, and it’s making me far too aware of this body of mine.”
Not to mention the fact that he was being washed by another person because he couldn’t muster up the strength to do it himself.
Mika paused, then rinsed his hands in the water.
“Oh.”
Shu winced when Mika spoke. He didn’t enjoy discussing some of his internal feelings surrounding his appearance. It boiled down to the humanity of it all. Dolls were perfect, humans were flawed. He’d give anything to achieve that, to have the soft and small build of a doll, never needing to have any sort of bodily function or sweat. He would be truly beautiful, a pure being.
It couldn’t be achieved, and it made him so furious. Even in regards to humans, he was the lowest of the low. He couldn’t even wash himself, or cook his own meals, or go to school. He was nothing. Truly nothing.
“Here, scooch over a sec,” said Mika, pressing his hands against Shu’s shoulder blades. And it was only then that Shu paid attention to the spectacle that unfolded between his eyes.
“Kagehira?!” Shu shouted, a bit shocked as Mika got into the tub next to him. He sat with his knees up, hiding his chest as he looked at Shu.
“Ya said it’s weird that I was fully clothed so I decided ta strip down too. See? Now it ain’t weird. It’s like a public bath.”
“I don’t like public baths.”
“Nnah… It’s a private bath with jus’ the two of us,” corrected Mika. He grabbed the soap and put some on his hands, going back to rub Shu’s shoulders. “It’s more efficient this way, we can save water.”
“Do you really believe I am so poor as to need to share baths to conserve resources?” Shu grumbled.
“No, but… I thought it’d make ya feel better. Y’were makin’ that face again…”
“I don’t ‘make faces’ I have no idea what you’re talking about”, lied Shu. He relaxed slightly into Mika’s touch. He leaned back a little more once Mika was done, letting his back touch Mika’s bare chest. He could feel Mika’s heartbeat speaking out to him, a soothing rhythm.
He was once disgusted by the heart, a muscle that pumped blood through the body. Blood, a symbol of life. The red that exists within all flesh, coursing through the body to keep it alive.
But it was also what loved. When he felt pain in his chest, he knew it to be his heart. Which despite his brain telling him to give up, still beat. His heart loved him, even if he didn’t love it back.
“It’s okay. I think yer still handsome even when yer upset,” said Mika, voice soft. Shu was glad he was turned away from him, if Mika saw his cheeks blushing he’d get the wrong impression.
Mika was a strange one. When most people would run away, he seemed to be more attached than ever, clinging to a false hope that maybe someday Shu would be okay. As if. He was attentive as ever, the only thing remaining in Shu’s previous life. It was a miserable existence. Mika should just leave him to die on his own. If he couldn’t take care of himself, then it was for the best.
“I don’t mind it,” Mika said, as if reading Shu’s mind. He massaged the shampoo into his hair, fingers feeling so good against his scalp that Shu closed his eyes again and relaxed. “Yer jus’ havin’ a bad time right now, but ya’ll be better soon… And when we make a comeback as Valkyrie, hardly anyone’ll remember that ya had ta take some time off.”
Shu was silent. He knew Mika went well, but he also knew Valkyrie wasn’t coming back. It was foolish to even try. Live performances were supposed to be truly live, and Shu had desecrated the very art form itself. No true fan would forgive them for the lipsync. And without Nazuna as the centerpiece, what was even left to showcase?
“… I’ll take good care of ya in the meantime. For as long as I have ta.”
Forever.
Could he keep Mika here forever? Surely he’d grow tired of it, the constant monotony of the days, doing chores that Shu should be doing for himself.
But… He had to admit it felt nice. Mika’s fingers against his skin seemed to calm him down a little bit.
He didn’t deserve these luxuries, this care.
“I have no intention of keeping you. You’re free to go,” ordered Shu. He couldn’t want this.
Mika rested his head on Shu’s shoulder, sitting with his back to the wall of the tub. His leg brushed up against Shu’s, as he hummed to himself.
How irritating.
“You’re nothing more than a mindless doll, yet you still won’t listen to me when I tell you to do things.”
“Sure I am, but ya didn’t order me t’do anythin’. I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay here,” said Mika. He opened his eyes. “With ya.”
It was only now that the reality of the situation came to him, bare and exposed in the tub with Mika closer than ever before. He was at his absolute lowest, yet Mika wasn’t even phased in the slightest. No matter what he yelled at him, he wouldn’t flee. He was awfully stubborn, Shu supposed. He’d seen him at his ugliest, most useless pitiful excuse for a life, and now he was next to him in the tub, bare skin on skin.
“It’s increasingly likely that we will never perform again,” said Shu, watching the faucet drip down into the bathtub water. The more silence there was, the louder it seemed to get. “If Valkyrie officially disbands, will you join another unit?”
“Nah,” Mika answered almost immediately. “Y’don’t hafta worry ‘bout things like that, Oshi-san… ‘M like gum stuck on yer shoe, even if ya wanna get rid of me it’s gonna be real hard and kinda messy.”
Shu didn’t want to ponder the implications of what that meant too much lest it conjure an improper image in his mind.
“You’re not gum,” was the angle Shu decided to approach from. “If anything, you’re more of a bird that simply won’t stop following me around.”
Mika smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“I really do mean it. I’ll never leave yer side, I’ll even go ta hell with ya when we die. But that’s not gonna be for a long time. I’ll make sure of it,” said Mika. He slipped his hand down into the water, entwining his pinky finger with Shu’s. “That’s a promise.”
Part of him wanted to stay here. To let out all the emotions he’d been harboring, to finally crack under the pressure and let it all out. The anger, frustration, sadness and grief. He wanted to grab Mika’s hand properly, have at least something to hold onto through all of this. He wanted to savor the moment, remind himself that when everyone else had given up on him, there was at least someone out there who cared.
Unfortunate.
The water was getting cold. His fingers were getting pruney.
Just a few more minutes… But it was never just a few. He wanted more, and the problem was whatever he asked for, Mika would do.
Was it truly such a problem? To let himself indulge in these moments?
He tightened his pinky around Mika’s, listening to the drip like the ticking of a clock.