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"Cheol," Jeonghan whispers from where he's cuddling his boyfriend on the latter's bed. Seungcheol still can't believe he managed to get a partner in only the first semester of college. Honestly, he wasn't even intentionally looking for a relationship at the beginning, a fling or two would have been enough for him. Yet, once he came across someone as beautiful as Jeonghan, courting that boy suddenly became his number one priority. Seungcheol's never been one to beat around the bush nor one to pine silently for months. If he wants something, or someone, he pushes through with no hesitation. He would stop if the other party refused him, though, because he's not an asshole, thank you very much.
That's what he first thought he would receive from Jeonghan: rejection. To tell the truth, the long-haired man didn't exactly look interested in Seungcheol. Although he may have caught him ogling at his biceps once in awhile, Seungcheol still felt like the boy was somehow emotionally unavailable. He'd seen him flirt with all of their mutual friends multiple times, but the man would always step back once someone managed to flirt back. Thus, Seungcheol didn't really think he had a chance with him, but he tried anyway - he'd never step away from a challenge before giving it a try.
Surprisingly, he didn't get turned down right away.
"Alright, you can take me on a date."
"What?"
"You're cute, Seungcheol." Jeonghan smiled at him, a bit mischievously.
"Do you like me, then?"
The only answer he got was a shrug of the shoulders and a muttered "We'll see," which didn't feel much like a victory. Still, it wasn't a defeat either, so Seungcheol took what he could get.
After almost two months together, he can proudly say they're going pretty strong. Jeonghan's been getting clingier with him and he's been smiling a lot more recently, which makes Seungcheol believe what they have might even be close to love.
At least, that's how he feels.
"Cheol," he thought his boyfriend had fallen asleep already, yet his voice doesn't sound sleepy at all. "I have to confess something." His tone is so quiet, the other boy wouldn't have heard him if only a bird had chirped outside the window.
Seungcheol's suddenly wary, he knows something's off. "Yeah?"
The silence stretches for so long, he thinks this time there's no way Jeonghan hasn't fallen asleep. He closes his own eyes to try and do the same, let them sort this thing out in the morning.
At last, the words which are gonna change their whole romantic life are breathed in the open right before Seungcheol reaches dreamland.
"I have feelings for my best friend."
~~~
To his boyfriend's credit, it sounded much worse than it actually was. Sure, Seungcheol sprang up on the bed and turned to Jeonghan with wide eyes and betrayal strong in his chest, but bless the latter's patience for managing to calm him down soon enough. And, yeah, it wasn't unfortunately a joke either, so those feelings were truly there and probably would be for a long time. Still, Jeonghan wasn't trying to break up with him - he had to repeat so many times before Seungcheol could stop hyperventilating (he really did like the long-haired boy much more than he thought he did).
"That's why you never invited me to your apartment," he wonders out loud once he regains his wits.
This time, Jeonghan looks a bit guilty. "Maybe," he mumbles still too quietly compared to his usual squeaky voice. "I just- I didn't want neither of you to feel left out, I guess." A sigh follows right after. "Maybe I was a bit scared, too. I don't wanna lose either one of you."
Something about the genuine fear evident in his boyfriend's body movements - god, he's almost trembling - makes Seungcheol's protective instinct spike. "You won't," he wraps his arms around the boy's dainty shoulders and tightens his hold, "I like you too much to let you go." That seems to relieve a part of the other's stress and draw out a smile on his worried face. "Also, I'm not the type to forbid you to hang out with certain people - unless they're assholes, that is." The rise of a skeptical brow from his boyfriend gets him frantic to explain himself further. "Okay, maybe I tend to become slightly jealous sometimes, but I swear I'd never ask you to choose between me and your best friend."
Jeonghan kisses his jaw sweetly, before burrowing himself further into his embrace. "I know. That's why I told you," he starts playing absentmindedly with the other's fingers. "I wanted to be honest with you, because what I feel for you is genuine. I've never felt anything like this for anyone else since I've been in love with Joshua." He doesn't say I think I'm in love with you, too, though the words linger in the air, unspoken.
Seungcheol's never believed he could fall this hard for someone after only a few months of knowing them. Yet, Jeonghan makes love come so easy to him.
"We're going to figure this out," he promises. He would never let this boy go, if he could help it. "If you fall, I'll fall with you."
~~~
They talk a lot more about it in the following weeks and, ultimately, Jeonghan decides it's time for the two boys he loves to at least meet each other. So, he invites Seungcheol to his and Joshua's apartment when he knows the latter will be home before dinner. He orders take-out and plans to play videogames together because that feels like the only hobby all of them have in common. He's nervous and he knows he probably should have notified his housemate beforehand, but the fear of rejection suddenly felt too much to bear (Joshua would have most likely said yes, then escaped the apartment as soon as possible or closed himself in his room).
The moment Jeonghan finds the other two having a glaring battle of sorts, though - they both look ridiculous and helplessly cute in his eyes, which he'll make sure to point out to them sometime in the future - he suddenly feels bad for having manipulated this meeting in a way.
"Joshuji!" he calls his friend as soon as he gets out from the kitchen, trying to act as normal and unaware as he can, although the tension feels almost palpable. Once they get to eat and play - and tease Seungcheol, which might become their new common interest - the room fills with laughter and lightness. When Jeonghan gets to sprawl himself on Joshua's lap as his body is contorted by never-ending giggles and his hand doesn't let go of the hold it has on Seungcheol's one, he feels content. He doesn't want to admit it even to himself, but his heart has never been more at ease than it is now.
After they bid each other goodnight and retreat to their own rooms, Jeonghan throws himself at his boyfriend and starts kissing him almost maniacally the moment the door closes behind them. Seungcheol smiles into the kiss and guides them towards the bed, where they fall on the mattress one on top of the other.
"What's the matter?" the dimpled man looks down at him with a grin so radiant, Jeonghan wonders whether he managed to turn on the room's light when they entered.
"I love you", he blurts out in response and, right away, he wishes for the earth to swallow him whole because he is definitely not ready to hear Seungcheol's answer. God, he's so stupid. He sees his boyfriend and his best friend get along for one night and suddenly he's a simp. "Don't speak. Just shut up and kiss me," he lifts his head in search of the other's lips and his request is immediately fulfilled as he feels the cherry-flavoured chapstick fill his tongue. (Luckily, his boyfriend is even more of a simp for him).
"I love you, too, by the way," he gets as a reply hours later while they lie side by side in Jeonghan's bed for the first time.
"I said shut up." A chuckle resonates in his eardrums, before he falls asleep with the corners of his mouth upturned.
~~~
When he said "If you fall, I'll fall with you," never in a million years Seungcheol would have thought it could mean to fall in love.
Joshua's unfairly good-looking, which is okay. It's not like Seungcheol doesn't see pretty people on the daily. He can appreciate beauty and not question his sanity while doing it - he's done it plenty of times!
But then, Joshua's also extremely kind and overly generous. When he laughs, he throws his head back and his eyes crinkle so much they become little half-moons. His voice is soft like velvet, so it often gets drowned out by the louder timbres of their friends, yet he never tries to get the attention on him nor does he ever speak over other people. Seungcheol probably knows all of this because lately he's been staring an unhealthy amount at Joshua, to the point where he can clearly pinpoint the crave the boy has to be heard - to actually be listened to - in the way his mouth instantly shuts when interrupted, yet his eyes keep on searching for an opening to let the words out. Usually, Seungcheol would intervene, say something to silence everyone just to give Joshua his chance to speak, but tonight he feels off. Maybe he has overestimated his high alcohol tolerance, because his heartbeat's picking up his speed and his thoughts are all jumbled in his head. He gets up with the intention to go and clear his mind outside for a few minutes, but, as soon as he does, Joshua stumbles on his own feet and wraps his arms around Seungcheol's neck to prevent himself from falling.
"Oops, I'm sorry. I must be drunk," the brunette giggles in such a carefree and childish way his usual sober composure would never allow. Because, among other things, Seungcheol's also noticed how the boy seems constantly stopped by something, almost as if there's a presence in his head holding him back from letting go.
This version of Joshua, though, is drunk therefore giggles and keeps his arms on Seungcheol's wide shoulders and grins at him from ear to ear. What's the use of Seungcheol's strong muscles if he feels so powerless in front of this view?
The urge to grab his friend's hips with his own hands gets overwhelmeing, but he wills himself not to do that. Not only would he be cheating on Jeonghan - he's a good old-fashioned lover boy, don't judge him - he would be doing it with the boy he knows his boyfriend's been in love with for half his life.
To his relief, drunk Joshua also means fickle Joshua and all it suffices for his arms to fall from their grip around Seungcheol's neck is someone calling his name once and, just like that, the boy's attention gets directed elsewhere.
Once free, Seungcheol hurries to the toilet, not sure he would find the strength to get back inside if he had unlimited access to fresh, clean oxygen (the club's restrooms definitely don't have that feat).
A few days later, he whips his head up with a guilty expression on his face when his boyfriend points out how he's fidgeting with the highlighters.
"Uhm, sorry. I'm nervous for- for the exam."
"That's in two weeks," he feels Jeonghan's piercing stare cut right through his bones and goddamn him for his psychic senses.
He figures since his boyfriend's always been honest with him, he should do the same. So, he inhales and exhales once before he confesses, "I may have a crush on Joshua."
It could all end terribly. Maybe Jeonghan lied and he doesn't love Seungcheol as much as he said he did. Maybe he's been in denial all along and actually only loves Joshua. He could get protective over him or, worse, angry and want to break up and- why the fuck did they found themselves in such a messy situation?
"Maybe if you weren't such an obvious fool as you are, I'd be surprised," Jeonghan scoffs and rolls his eyes. "You should truly learn to control your staring, it's off-putting."
Then, why did you accept to go on a date with me?
That's what Seungcheol's witty self would usually say. His current self, though, is at a loss, so he just keeps on gaping at his boyfriend.
"I don't mind, you idiot," the snicker leaving Jeonghan's lips partly relieves his full-blown anxiety. "It's actually kind of hot, if I think too much about it."
Finally, Seungcheol sputters, getting red in the face. "This is a mess. What do we do now?"
~~~
They do nothing about it, which means Seungcheol gets to pine in the shadows for the first time in his life while Jeonghan - being an expert - guides him through it.
There are instances when the longing gets the better of him and he lets himself slip. Like when he caresses Joshua's cheek at the end of the academic year right before they leave to head home for the summer break. The way the brunette abruptly turns away from him and mumbles his goodbye haunts Seungcheol's dreams for the next few nights. He can only hope he hasn't messed up too much.
Still, when he visits Jeonghan's family house and sees Joshua there after all that time - yes, two weeks felt like a lifetime since he was apart from his two favourite boys - he goes to hug him a bit tighter than intended. He wants to say I missed you and the words almost spill from his mouth but then there's Jeonghan watching them with a challenging glint in his eyes, almost daring him to say it. Seungcheol's extreme competitiveness can't allow him such a shameful defeat. In retaliation - and as a distraction from his own cluttered feelings - he goes to wipe the teasing smirk off of his boyfriend's face, instead.
"Such an obvious simp," Jeonghan whispers against his lips and the boy can't deny it so he kisses him harder for a second before stepping away from him and asking the two friends how their summer went.
After that, it gets increasingly harder not to let his crush be free from the constraints of his chest. Joshua looks even more beautiful every day that passes and now that Jeonghan knows about his boyfriend's secret crush, he likes to tease him by telling stories of when he and his best friend were high-schoolers - which make the dimpled boy oh-so-endeared - or sometimes even brings Joshua's name out while they're having sex. It feels wrong, because he's their friend who probably doesn't like neither of them that way, yet thinking about him is too arousing when they're in the moment and the shame which only comes afterwards is starting to feel all-too-familiar.
~~~
Real anxiety starts getting to Seungcheol only a month and a half into their sophomore year, after Joshua declines their invite to eat together for the nth time and the excuses he uses are starting to sound either predictable or plain ridiculous.
"He knows," he confesses to his boyfriend, tone agitated. "He's avoiding us because he knows."
"Joshuji's much more oblivious than you think," the other boy replies nonchalantly, but Seungcheol spots the crease between his eyebrows. He's worried, too.
"Then, why is he avoiding us?" he lets his forehead fall against his books while he extends his arms on the table. "I miss hanging out just the three of us," he whines like a baby.
What he wants to say is I miss him so much it's making me crazy or I'm scared he's disgusted by us and doesn't even want to be our friend anymore. He stays quiet, for the sole reason that he knows Jeonghan's even more worked up about it than he is. He's been attached to Joshua's hip for almost 6 years, this sudden distance is putting him on edge, even though he's trying not to show it. Seungcheol has noticed how his boyfriend is more easily frustrated than usual and often starts hitting inanimate objects at the first thing going wrong. He doesn't say anything, though, because he doesn't want to rub it in his face and, perhaps, because saying it would make Joshua's avoidance all the more true for the both of them.
They keep on trying to get Joshua to go out with them, keep on getting rejected, keep on whining to each other and, when helplessness finally settles in, they cry in each other's arms to soothe their pain.
It's one of the weirdest things Seungcheol's ever done in his life, crying about a boy he likes together with his boyfriend who likes the same boy. It's not something he's ever seen in movies and, despite it being unusual, he's starting to get used to the feeling. Unfortunately, that also means getting distinctly aware of the emptiness which surrounds the couple when they're alone. Somehow, now that they are both crushing on the same person, their relationship feels incomplete. Neither of them talk about it, but they know the fear they're harbouring includes dreading where their own love is destined to go.
All their friends - except Joshua, apparently - notice the tension following them around and start worrying; some of them even try to give them advice about it. However, no one has ever been in a polyamorous relationship or known about it, so they don't truly have the means to help them. Still, the couple appreciates their efforts. It's good to know they have people supporting them, no matter what.
~~~
When one morning, Seungcheol finds himself alone with Joshua, he can't take the uneasiness any longer and decides to directly confront the boy about his late behaviours. He hasn't talked to Jeonghan beforehand, so it's irresponsible of him to do that, but he can't bear to hear his boyfriend stir on the bed next to him and lose sleep over this for another night.
"Why are you avoiding me and Han?"
He knows he fucked up the moment Joshua gapes at him, panic clear in his eyes.
"I'm not avoiding you," the brunette lies. Seungcheol's known him long enough to know when his friend's lying and, usually, he hates liars and shows no mercy towards them. For some reason, though, the sheer fright in the other's expression suggests he's simply bullshitting his way out of this conversation as a defensive mechanism. (Or maybe Seungcheol truly is too big of a simp).
He doesn't protest further, then, almost scared he might break the other if he tried to pry any longer into the reason why he's being elusive lately. Yet, Seungcheol can't get his mind off of those deer-like eyes ridden with fear for the rest of the day, his laptop long forgotten on the kitchen counter. He decides to wait for Jeonghan's return in his room, while he worries his lip with his teeth so much it almost starts bleeding.
As soon as the bedroom door opens and in comes his boyfriend with books in his arms, Seungcheol springs up on his feet and reaches for his shoulder.
"I messed up. Big time."
After he finishes recalling the previous events, Jeonghan has long abandoned his books on the floor and he's now hugging the muscular boy's upper body while they sit on the edge of the bed.
"I'm sure we're going to be fine," Jeonghan reassures. Seungcheol fleetingly thinks he's lying, too, but he decides to believe him since the truth would probably be too much for him to bear. Hours pass and they end up in a make-out session which turns into sex, but it's all so sad and sorrowful, they both start crying in the middle of the act. Somehow, knowing Joshua's in his room just a door from them, knowing he could maybe hear them moaning his name gets them going until the end. It almost comes across as a way for them to convey their love for him through the walls and the sound waves their own act of love creates. It's disturbing and weird and most surely creepy, yet when they tightly cuddle each other post-orgasm, the exhaustion settles heavy on their limbs and manages to finally lull them to sleep.
It gets worse the following days. They barely get to see the traces of Joshua's presence around the apartment - a used cup in the sink, his shoes by the front door, his razor on the bathroom sink - the only things preventing them from fearing their friend has completely moved out. They don't really talk anymore between themselves either, too tired or too frightened of what might happen if they did. That's why they spend most of their time together mindlessly watching TV or playing videogames, preferring that suffocating silence to the defeaning one it would occur if they were to spend that time alone in their respective homes.
The click of a door opening, thus, surprises them more than it gets their hopes up, their hearts having already resigned to the constant sorrow. When Joshua sits next to them, they keep quiet for the rest of the movie, though Seungcheol instinctively reaches for Jeonghan's hand and squeezes it as a sign of comfort. He doesn't notice it at first, but he knows something's happening after hearing his boyfriend's breath hitch in his throat and, as he turns, he sees that their friend's head is now resting on Jeonghan's shoulder. Seungcheol watches the gesture of affection between the two as if he's witnessing newborn puppies playing together for the first time - he's particularly emotional to all things animal-related - so he tries to focus on the movie in order to keep the tears at bay.
But then it's Joshua who starts crying and both their hearts constrict painfully in their chests. They instantly realise how much he must have been hurting, too, just like them; but, while he and Jeonghan had each other to vent up to, their friend must have kept everything bottled up for who knows how long. So, they try to give him as much comfort as they manage through soothing words and calming touches. They don't really expect Joshua to confess to having feelings for them both, nor could they have imagined their reaction would be to burst out laughing out loud. The relief they feel must be too great to put into words but not enough to heal all their wounds, yet. So they keep it light and wait to talk it out, because they need to find a middle ground where they can explain themselves without bawling their eyes out nor accusing anyone on the account of unresolved grudges.
It takes awhile, but it goes better than anyone of them could have ever expected. The more muscular boyfriends also do try to move Joshua's bed to Jeonghan's room - as per the other boy's request - but the space is too small to accommodate both their double beds. They end up taking turns sleeping together by playing rock, paper, scissors, unless Seungcheol's going to his own apartment for the night; in that case, the other two fall together into one of their beds and caress each other's skin or hair until they nod off. They do plan on saving for a larger bed and also a bigger apartment for the three of them. Until then, when desperate times call for desperate measures, they sometimes try to fit all three of their bodies on just one double bed.
"Cheol, we can't breathe," Joshua complains once as he and Jeonghan are getting crushed by their boyfriend's weight.
"I don't care, it's my birthday and you still have to gain my forgiveness for not wishing me at 12am on the dot."
"Okay, Joshua's in the wrong. But what did I do? I even set an alarm just to be on time!" Jeonghan rightfully complains.
"You're his boyfriend so you must share his punishment," Seungcheol snickers - the sound getting muffled by the other boy's shoulder - before he closes his eyes and quickly falls asleep.
To his detriment, he doesn't catch the way the other two share a knowing smile over his sleeping head. They will soon get their revenge, just you wait, Choi Seungcheol.