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The thing is. Joshua hates Seungcheol, he really does. He hates him even before he meets him and Joshua cares a lot for those he loves, but he would never give the time of day to someone he hates. So, he really doesn't know how this one muscular dimpled guy manages to crawl under his skin and leave him breathless with a daunting revelation. It just happens and, now, Joshua is the bearer of not one, but two unrequited crushes.
Truly, it all starts with Jeonghan - Joshua's housemate and best friend since high school - as most things in Joshua's life do. When the two of them met, they were scrawny kids feeling awkward in their own bodies, minds restless and confused. Joshua walked around carrying a loneliness he thought no one would understand. People barely understood him when he talked, his american accent still too noticeable in his pronunciation of a language he'd just started to learn. So, he didn't even try to make friends with his classmates at first. Still, the guy who sat in front of him had long hair which looked soft on his shoulders and a mellow smile which eased the ache in Joshua's chest simply by looking at it. Joshua loved peeking at him when he wasn't seen, wondering how a boy could be so pretty and have cheekbones so prominent. However, Joshua wasn't as subtle as he thought with his staring and all it took was his classmate suddenly turning to him once to be caught red-handed. The boy didn't say anything, though. He merely gave him a crooked mischievous smile before bringing his attention forward again.
After that, it kept happening. The boy would turn, look at Joshua in the eye, smile at him and then turn away as if nothing was going on.
As long as he doesn't talk to me, it's fine.
Except, it wasn't. The long-haired boy approached him when class ended one day.
"Hi. I'm Jeonghan".
I know, Joshua thought. He knew the guy's name yet never dared to say it even in his mind. He kept quiet even now, with his classmate staring down at him while he sat at his desk and fidgeted with his pens.
"Do you perhaps like my face?", Jeonghan asked smirking and Joshua blushed furiously. He nodded, looking down. He didn't feel confident enough to speak, afraid to be made fun of for his accent. Suddenly, a laugh caught his attention and this time, when he peeked over at Jeonghan, he found him smiling happily.
"Great. I like yours, too".
It was a weird way to make a new friend, but Joshua soon learnt that everything about Jeonghan was a little bit weird. He also figured that all this confidence and bravado Jeonghan always showed others were a mere façade, a way to protect his own gentle, generous heart. Around him, when it was just the two of them, Jeonghan became soft and pliant, he often hugged Joshua from behind to seek comfort or lounged lazily on his bed while the other studied, for the mere reassurance of having his best friend near. Joshua learnt, then, that Jeonghan carried around the same sense of loneliness he did, the same feeling of being an outcast in his own home. Like that, Joshua finally knew that someone who could understand him and his not-yet-perfect korean actually existed out there.
They became basically inseparable since then. Joshua grew confident in his own skin yet kept to himself most of the time, while Jeonghan evolved into even more of a charmer who still crawled into Joshua's arms at nights when anxiety got the best of him. When Joshua came out to Jeonghan on the day of the latter's sixteenth birthday, he merely received a hug and a "You could have just asked me. I knew it the first time I caught you staring at me". Joshua had laughed through his tears then, loud and breathy, and had felt his heart constrict weirdly in his chest. They made other friends along the way, too. Three guys a year younger than them whose class was next to theirs and who liked being little shits and put on very cringe-worthy skits just to make each other laugh. They perfectly fit in with the pair of quirky best friends. Even so, during their group's hangouts, Jeonghan would still lean his cheek on Joshua's shoulder when his social battery ran out and Joshua's heart would still somersault strangely in his chest. He couldn't exactly see the softness in the other's face while he did so, yet he could imagine it and the thought alone was enough to melt his insides.
It took Joshua almost two years before he realised what those uncontrollable bodily reactions meant: he was in love with his best friend. Had been for awhile, even. Although, since he found out late, he didn't have time to second-guess the decision to live together with him during university, nor could he be aware of all the collateral effects them sharing their living spaces would cause.
Hence, when Jeonghan first announces he has a boyfriend at the end of their first semester, Joshua simply doesn't know how to react. He has barely had the time to wrap his head around his own feelings for his roommate - his best friend - and here he is, having another internal crisis at the hands of one Choi Seungcheol.
It isn't the first time he hears that name, though. Jeonghan did mention him multiple times in the few months prior to the revelation. He's told Joshua all about how the guy is a gym rat but also very clever, about how they often work on their assignments together at the cafe next to the campus. He's also confessed how big Seungcheol's biceps are they almost stretch his t-shirts; how he has dimples and a cute smile, and how sometimes he pays for Jeonghan's coffee just because he wants to. So yeah, the signs were there and Joshua should have known. Yet he hadn't, because somehow it never crossed his mind the possibility of someone coming in between his friendship with Jeonghan. It's always been just the two of them, even with Soonyoung, Wonwoo and Jun who they still keep in touch with, it's the two of them first, no matter what. They come as a package, an inseparable duo, "the pair of evil twins" as their friends call them.
So, Joshua can't but hate Seungcheol and his presumed soft spot for his own best friend. He doesn't necessarily decide he must hate the guy, but what else is he supposed to do? Jeonghan keeps walking around their apartment with constant heart eyes on his face, giggling at everything without real reason to and watching his phone screen for minutes on end with a dumb smile plastered on his lips. All features Joshua loves to see on Jeonghan, but they're not directed at him, they're not because of him.
It goes on like that for a month or two and Joshua still hasn't met the boy his friend's so head over heels for. Maybe that's why it's easy pretending he's fine and he almost believes he can endure the heartache this situation causes him. If he doesn't see him, it's like the guy doesn't even exist, right?
It works until Jeonghan starts sleeping over at Seungcheol's three times a week and coming home the mornings after smiley and disheveled. Until he stops seeking Joshua for cuddles when he feels anxious or out of depth. He seems happier - probably is happier - which makes it all that much worse. Joshua's glad his best friend's happy and in - what seems like - a healthy relationship, so he doesn't know why he cries when he's home alone watching stupid rom-coms he honestly despises. It's not even a matter of feeling left out or ignored. He and Jeonghan still eat most of their meals together, play Mario Kart and other easy games just so they can cheat to make the other lose, they hold hands on the sofa while admitting to feeling overwhelmed or tired or helpless when life gets the best of them. Joshua, then, has no excuses for the way he feels hurt and lonely and sad, but he certainly doesn't want to burden Jeonghan with it. Thus, he smiles back when his friend looks at him, and hits him in the face with tofu sticks when he wins at rock, paper, scissors and lets himself be hugged from behind when he's cleaning their living room.
When he finally meets Seungcheol for the first time, their eyes lock in a stiff yet frightened gaze. Joshua feels like they're both being protective of their bond with Jeonghan and don't want to concede. It's weird, feeling competitive with someone he barely knows, especially since he's never considered himself to be on the toxic masculinity spectrum. Yet, he can't turn away from the look in the boy's eyes as he enters his own apartment and finds him sitting on the couch. They barely say hi to each other before Jeonghan comes into the room and brightens at the sight of his newly-arrived friend.
"Joshuji!", he loops his arm inside Joshua's, leading him to the couch to sit with them. "How was your music composition class?", he talks as if his boyfriend isn't even there - beside him - watching their every movement. When Joshua doesn't answer, Jeonghan turns towards Seungcheol, like he just got reminded of his presence.
"Right. This is Seungcheolie, by the way", he points uselessly at the muscular boy.
"I figured", Joshua replies, not sure of what else to say.
"I invited him over, is it okay?", Jeonghan's almost shy while he asks that and, again, Joshua is at a loss.
You've been dating him for almost three months, it's weird you haven't brought him here sooner.
He doesn't say so, though.
"Of course, it's okay", he smiles reassuringly at his friend but regrets it instantly the moment the other's expression morphs into one of mischief.
"Great, because I plan to beat both of your asses at Mario Kart later. Now, come into the kitchen, I ordered us Pad Thai and dumplings and I want to eat before they get cold".
Joshua's puzzled, can't form the words to refuse his friend's plans and, just like that, he's thrown into an hangout with his crush and his crush's boyfriend without any kind of warning or mental preparation.
The worst part is, he enjoys himself.
It's always fun being around Jeonghan, but somehow the mood's even more playful with Seungcheol there. They cheat at video games like they always do, though this time there's a third person whining at their antics and calling them unfair. Joshua laughs harder than he has in awhile when his friend forces his own boyfriend to do a free-style rap for them. Seungcheol protests and blushes out of embarrassment yet he can't deny Jeonghan anything so he does rap in the end, but starts giggling in the middle of it. Joshua joins in on the teasing as if he's known the guy all his life and not for just a few hours. It's pleasant, exhilarating even. More so, when the sparkle in Seungcheol's eyes gets gentle as he looks at Joshua and bids him goodnight, the animosity his gaze once held long gone. Joshua retreats to his room, bewildered and jittery. It takes two hours of mindless scrolling on his phone before he manages to sleep. He's not sure why, but one thing's for certain: he doesn't hate Seungcheol at all.
After that first encounter, Jeonghan's boyfriend stays at theirs more often than not, watching new TV series on their couch or studying on his laptop at their kitchen counter. Jeonghan's always there, too, and makes it a point to constantly invite Joshua to join them. Sometimes he does, other times he's too spent or overwhelmed to revel in their company. On rare occasions, the three of them go out together to eat at a newly-opened restaurant or chill in the park on a Sunday afternoon. The couple becomes more comfortable around Joshua, to the point Seungcheol often kisses Jeonghan's cheeks in front of him, while his friend likes to tease his boyfriend by touching him everywhere on his body, even in public. They're cheesy and clingy and Joshua should really despise hanging out alone with them. But he doesn't.
When summer break arrives and he and Jeonghan leave the apartment to go back home until next semester, Seungcheol kisses his boyfriend goodbye and promises to come visit them in a few weeks. "Have fun you two", he tells them smiling. He looks at Joshua and caresses his cheek while he softly adds, "I'll see you soon". Joshua blushes so hard he feels pity for himself, so he turns away mumbling "You too", before hopping in the car and willing the weird thoughts clouding his mind away. He knows Seungcheol meant he'll see the both of them soon, because he's dating Jeonghan and coincidentally he and Joshua live in the same town so he can see him too. He knows. Then, why is his cheek still warm after he gets back home, hugs his mother and starts unpacking his luggage? He really doesn't want to think about it.
At the start of their sophomore year, Joshua's surprised that Jeonghan asks him to be his roommate again.
Why aren't you sharing a house with your boyfriend?
But he guesses his friend has his reasons, so he accepts and moves in with him in a different apartment closer to the campus. Everything goes back to their usual routine, except for the greater amount of coursework they have to do and the way Joshua starts avoiding hanging out with the couple alone. It's easier since Soonyoung and Wonwoo have started university in the same city and they often meet them on the weekends. The two readily befriend Seungcheol (because he's just so lovable, his mind supplies) and even his best friend Jihoon until they form quite an unusual group, yet they work well together. That's why Joshua doesn't think neither Jeonghan or Seungcheol have noticed the little change in their relationship.
Once again, though, Joshua's left baffled when, one late morning, he enters his kitchen to find his roommate's boyfriend working on his laptop at the table.
"'morning", he mumbles still half-asleep while he heads to the counter to drink his usual two glasses of water before eating breakfast.
"It's, like, almost midday", Seungcheol replies amused and Joshua merely shrugs. While he rummages through the fridge to find something to eat, he can feel the eyes burning holes on his back even before he turns around to catch his friend staring.
"Where's Hannie?", he asks, dumbfounded by the scrutinizing look on the other's face.
"Class", he simply answers, keeping his gaze on him. Joshua suddenly has the urge to flee the room and, despite not considering himself a coward, he decides his pride can bear a hit just this once. Before he can do so, though, the other boy speaks.
"Are you okay, Josh?", his voice sounds genuinely concerned.
"Yeah, of course. Why you ask?"
Seungcheol looks torn for a moment, assessing Joshua for a few long seconds before sighing and gesturing towards the apple in his hand.
"Are you gonna eat only that?", he points at a covered plate on the table. "I left you some pancakes I made this morning. They've obviously gone cold by now, but you can heat them up", he smiles sweetly and Joshua feels like vomiting. Not because of the pancakes, obviously. The cause are those perfectly carved dimples and earnest brown eyes, watching him affectionately and... no. It can't be, Joshua refuses. I don't have feelings for my best friend's boyfriend. Best friend who I also crush on... What the fuck?
His thoughts are interrupted when Seungcheol closes his laptop's screen and pulls a chair out for him.
"Come sit. I feel like I haven't talked to you in awhile", a painful pang courses through Joshua's chest at the words. "I'd also really appreciate a small break", he smiles again and Joshua's helpless. He can't say no to that.
So he sits next to him and they converse until lunch time. Joshua tries to act normal - he makes malicious jokes here and there and laughs at Seungcheol's dramatic reactions - in order to erase any suspicion his friend might have. It doesn't really work, because when they're resting on the couch after having cooked and eaten a simple dish of tomato pasta, Seungcheol speaks again.
"Shua", he doesn't normally call him that, so the boy in question perks up.
"Why are you avoiding me and Han?"
"What?", he opens his mouth dumbstruck.
"You always turn us down when we ask you to hang out with us", he pouts and it's adorable but Joshua's currently panicking to pay attention to that.
"I'm not avoiding you", he lies. "I'm just tired".
This time Seungcheol frowns. "You've always been tired, yet you still made time for us last year", he sounds dejected and Joshua's heart hurts.
"I swear I'm not doing it on purpose. I just haven't adjusted well to the new schedule", he gets up from the couch and his friend's face falls. "I'm sorry if you felt like I was avoiding you, I'm just exhausted though", he smiles a sickly sweet smile and it's fake. Everything he's saying is fake and maybe Seungcheol can see through it too, but he doesn't wait to find out. He closes the door to his room and spends the rest of the day there. He gets out again only when he hears muffled moans coming from the other bedroom.
Following that discussion, he starts actively trying to avoid both him and Jeonghan - a hard feat considering one is his housemate and the other sort of virtually lives with them. That's why he manages to successfully do it for barely three days, after which he finds himself even more drained than usual. He misses his best friends, to be honest, and he's starting to feel very stupid for not talking to them like an adult would do (that's bullshit, the adults he knows usually avoid tough conversations at all costs).
Since he is, in fact, an adult, he doesn't directly talk about what's bothering him. However, he does come out of his room when he knows the couple is watching TV in the living room and quietly sits next to them. They both glance his way, surprised, but don't say anything until the movie ends. Joshua's still resting his head on Jeonghan's shoulder when tears start slowly streaming down his cheeks. It's a quiet affair, not really a full-on crying session, yet he still loathes feeling vulnerable in front of people, despite those people being the ones he trusts the most in the world.
"I'm sorry", he whispers and his friends finally notice his state. Jeonghan immediately circles his arms around him and hugs him tight, while Seungcheol rests a hand on his knee.
"It's okay, Josh. You can let it out"
At his friend's comforting tone, he nods and buries his nose in Jeonghan's nape. Even though he stops crying almost right away, he keeps close to his friend's embrace, feeling warm and cared for. When he detaches himself from Jeonghan, he looks at the two boys in the eyes, smiling bashfully. "So, is it weird if I say I feel... things for the both of you?"
There's silence, obviously. Because that was one shitty of a confession. Thus, he doesn't blame his friends when they start laughing in his face, but he does huff and cross his arms waiting for them to stop.
"What things?", Seungcheol's the first one to speak and of course he teases him. Jeonghan follows soon after.
"Cheollie, what do you mean? He's been very clear. He feels certain things for us", and honestly Joshua's not really in the mood to put up with their taunting (usually, Seungcheol is the one being bullied, the fuck). So, he gets up and unceremoniously leaves, knowing it would take a while before they can get back to their senses. When he gets out of his room again, his friends are at the kitchen table, already eating take-out with a bowl and chopsticks ready for him. They don't really talk about it - they just eat like they usually would, before going out to a party and getting wasted as if there's no tomorrow.
Some things do change, though. They start holding hands when walking in the streets and Seuncheol often hugs him from behind for no reason at all, just because he can. At a party, he wraps an arm around Joshua's shoulder when a guy is clearly trying to hit on him and simply says, "I'm sorry man, he's taken". He's not, though, because they haven't talked yet and Joshua would say so, if he wasn't so flustered by the gesture and the way his friend keeps an arm on his waist for the rest of the evening. Jeonghan seems to have felt some kind of jealousy, too, since he starts touching his butt at every chance he gets and Joshua's honestly feeling a bit overwhelmed.
In the end, they talk and it's a lot less daunting than he pictured it to be. He finds out about Jeonghan's long-lasting crush on him ("You looked so cute while gaping at me all day thinking you were being subtle", he laughs as he tells the story to Seungcheol. "Yoon Jeonghan, stop it or it's over for you", Joshua threatens. He doesn't, of course, so Joshua attempts to strangle him, while the other boy tries to pry them off each other). He gets surprised when they admit Seungcheol has been aware of his boyfriend's feelings for his best friend since a few months after they got together ("That's why you were looking at me as if assessing your enemy", Joshua gasps. "Don't talk as if you weren't doing the same!", Seungcheol whines angrily while pouting. "Yeah but I don't look as scary as you do!”, the other protests. "You look pretty scary to me...", their banter goes on for a good five minutes while Jeonghan just laughs and scrolls through his phone). He gets to know Seungcheol started liking him just before summer break, after Joshua had drunkenly hugged him at a party and smiled at him ("That's it", Joshua asks unimpressed, "that's why you fell for me? Are you serious?". "You were hot! And you have a pretty smile!", Seungcheol defends himself while his boyfriends start teasing him and he knows they won't let him live this down for eternity). In addition, they confess that the night after he lied to Seungcheol and denied avoiding them, the couple had sex while thinking about him and getting off to the idea of him hearing them ("That's creepy", Joshua interrupts scandalized. "We were actually worried about you, you know? Thought you were trying to cut us out of your life", Jeonghan explains as if it's perfectly normal. "That's even creepier. Are you two maniacs?". "What about you? The guy who asked to shower together to save water when we barely knew each other". "I was 15! And struggling with my sexuality!". "Right, instead now you've grown and matured and feel things". "Oh my god, let me breath", Joshua exits the room leaving his giggling boyfriends behind).
So they establish what these things they feel for each other exactly entail for their relationship and end up considering themselves an 'exclusive throuple' ("Throuple? That's a weird word I don't wanna use it", Jeonghan says one night out of the blue. "Says Mr. Shinggi Bbanggi Ppung Ppung Bbanggi", Joshua retorts while Seungcheol just tells them to shut up and sleep already).
"Then, everything is settled", Seungcheol smiles before pecking Joshua's lips.
"We only need a bigger bed, now".
"Hannie, we don't have money for that".
"Not a problem. You and Cheollie can use your big, sexy biceps to bring your bed in my room".
Both boys start immediately expressing their disapproval - and yes, Joshua has been going to the gym with Seungcheol for the past months and thus built muscles, but that wasn't exactly his main purpose. Still, Jeonghan shrugs and gets up to skip giddily to the kitchen, laughing at his boyfriends's protests.
The two of them stop arguing to look helplessly at each other.
What Jeonghan wants, Jeonghan gets.
Moving the bed, it is, then.