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“So… do you have any hobbies?”
“I’ve started jogging recently.”
“That’s nice!”
Ikuko pinched her lips in thoughts. Today was the first time she was left alone with Kitano. She already knew he wasn’t the talkative type, but usually, when Ryoko was there, the ambiance wasn’t too bad. She had time to accept and see for herself that Kitano was a nice boy after all, but… it couldn’t be helped that she felt awkward when it was just the two of them.
“Well… I like sewing!” she tried again, when it was clear Kitano wasn’t about to ask. “My specialty is plushies.”
And now she felt so stupid for bringing that up. Why would Kitano care? It was such a feminine hobby and he didn’t look like the type to know anything about it.
“My dad know how to sew, too.” he said.
“Oh! Really?!”
“Yes, ah…” he hesitated then, hand on his chin “We’re both quite clumsy so our clothes often need mending. So my dad learned how to deal with it. It’s more economical that way.”
Ikuko nodded gravely. For sure, with all those fights he accidentally got into… having to pay for repair every time would quickly get expensive! She sighed, feeling a bit more at ease suddenly. Not only had he not mocked her, but they sort of had something in common. Just a bit.
She felt silly, actually. Ryoko had always been picky when it came to friendships, so of course it meant that Kitano was more than decent! And Ikuko had been getting used to his face lately, so he no longer scared her really, it’s just… she didn’t know what to expect from the boy. Kitano and her weren’t friends, just friend of a friend. So no matter how much effort she put in the conversation an awkward air still stuck to them.
But she wouldn’t give up!
“You know… me making plushies is actually how I got closer to Ryoko!” she said, hoping bringing their one link would ease the conversation “In middle school, girls in my class found out I could make them and asked me for some. I didn’t mind it really… but it was obvious this was the only reason they spoke to me at all.”
Ikuko had always been rather shy and making friends wasn’t the easiest. Just like now, she had trouble finding things to talk about, and people quickly got tired of her. Her younger self was already used to that outcome, so she had let herself be used by those girls since… at least she wasn’t left all alone then.
“And you know about Ryoko’s sense of justice…” she went on “she saw this and got mad. Yelled at them to treat me better or to leave me be. I was actually a bit scared of that because, well. Girls bully in a different way than boys? It’s more subtle, but really painful, and last a long time too. They tell all the others so you’re completely left alone and too scared to bring it up to a teacher…” Ikuko felt too self conscious then “Anyways! So I worried Ryoko had made things worse not only for me but herself too! And I was right in some ways… but Ryoko never left my side. We went through it together.”
Silence.
Oh no. She talked for too long, didn’t she? And it was way too personal. What was she thinking?! Now for sure Kitano felt awkward and they went back to the start… stupid Ikuko!
“I’m glad you had each other.” Kitano said after a while.
Ikuko looked at him. His face had less of an effect from the profile. His features almost soft. Round forehead, small nose, his frankly strange lips, and smooth skin. Barely a hint of eyebrow. Did he pluck them? Ikuko always wondered.
“Yeah.” she finally said “I’m glad too. Ryoko is my best friend.”
They kept walking without exchanging a word for a time, but it no longer bothered her. Kitano was a strange and unusual boy. She never met someone like him before and most likely never will again. It wasn’t just his terrifying appearance, and the shock when you discover how genuinely nice he is despite this. Kitano just seemed… content. With life, with himself, with silence.
Awkward silences always bothered Ikuko. She tried so very hard to fill them, with anything, in any way she could. Quality didn’t matter then, just quantity. And she knew how bad she sounded when she did it. Too nervous. Not interesting enough. Ridiculous.
So she admired people like Kitano, who could sit in it casually. Never rushing, never overeager. He knew what he was about and that was the only thing he brought with him.
She could learn something from him, surely.
Ikuko straightened her back, imitating him. It didn’t feel right, specially around her shoulders. Did it bother him too or did he get used to it and no longer felt it? Something clicked then. Maybe… it’s not that Kitano is unaware of how weird he look; his posture so serious, his uniform following the school’s code perfectly, in contrast to his face. But. Something he’s forced to do so people don’t misunderstand him as much. Ikuko felt tears rush to her eyes then and she tried to blink them away, facing the direction opposite of Kitano so he wouldn’t notice.
But he was nowhere near paying attention to her as he said “The sky is so pretty.”
Blinking some more to recover her vision, Ikuko looked up. And it was true. The afternoon sky was a stunning blue with big puffy clouds swaying gently in the wind.
“It truly is,” she added, forgetting how she had been trying to accept the silence in their conversation.
“I’ve never been good at guessing shapes in clouds.” Kitano randomly said.
Ikuko almost laughed. She had not expected that. It was sort of… sweet?
“Lacking in imagination?” she teased after a moment of hesitation. He wouldn’t think she was mocking him… right?
A sort of huff came from Kitano’s side. She turned and looked at him. The boy’s usual expressionless face suddenly gave a scary feeling, his eyes furrowed. Oh no. Had she seriously upset him? Ikuko bit her lower lip in punishment for being so stupid and insensitive and…
“Sadly, yes.” he said “I’ve always had trouble making friends when I was younger because of it. You know, with them having to explain a game’s rule multiple times and me still not getting it.”
Ikuko bit her lip again, this time to not say what she was thinking. That it probably wasn’t the only problem stopping him from making friends. On top of being unkind, it would be wholly unhelpful. And he most likely didn’t need her help to figure that one out.
So, instead, she looked back at the sky. Searching for a specific shape.
She pointed to a cloud just out from behind a tree “This one is a fried egg.”
Kitano squinted at it. Ikuko almost laughed once more from his expression and the time it took him to react.
“Oh! Yes, I see it!” was his verdict. She nodded, still containing her laugh.
A game started, then. Ikuko looking for shapes in the clouds, the silliest the better, and pointing them out to Kitano, waiting for him to notice, his smile growing a bit more each time.
She wondered if they could have been friends if they had met earlier in life. Possibly, if it was after Ryoko chose to always be together. Even then, she would have looked past Kitano’s appearance, for sure! But would Ikuko have, all on her own?
It felt strangely nostalgic, imagining a past that never was. How it would have made the two of them less lonely if she had been mature and understanding enough to accept Kitano back then.
They would have walked from school together, chatting casually or accepting of a comfortable silence between them, pointing at clouds and passing cats. She would probably have made him a plushie without him asking for one. Kitano would take it out of politeness but would he have been happy about the gift? She would have complained about her problems to him, and he would either nod quietly to them or offer some awkward words to try and make her feel better. Because he was kind like that.
Yeah, she thought.
“I’m glad we’re friends.”
Of course, Ikuko realized a second too late she had said these words aloud, instead of keeping them inside. Oh no… why did she need this talent of always embarrassing herself?
They weren't even friends! To him, she was just a friend of a friend that simply happened to be here. That he had to humor for one day because Ryoko was sick. Ikuko had just gotten lost in her imagination and how she was glad to have met him after all, how his innocent kindness and his refusal of seeing the worst in people no matter the situation made her see the world as a little bit brighter every day. But it’s not like you could tell a boy of this! Even Kitano would think her weird for it!
So Ikuko closed her eyes real hard to pretend she hadn’t said anything, and nothing embarrassing was currently happening, that way Kitano’s awkward silence to her words wouldn’t make her cry. Anyway, he was doing them both a favor by keeping quiet, that way they could move on from this faster. Truly, what a kind boy.
So, when he did open his mouth, it almost made Ikuko trip on herself.
“Yes, so am I.”
So is he? What? What had she said to get this response again? Friendship. She had spoken of friendship. And he. Oh.
He saw her as a friend too. An actual friend. Alright.
Ikuko reopened her eyes, but kept them on her shoes, not yet courageous enough to look at him.
Her cheeks were definitively pink, she could feel their warmth. This was ridiculous. She hadn’t confessed her undying love for him or anything of the sort! Why was… opening up about friendship so damn embarrassing? It shouldn't be, even if he was a boy and she a girl. There was no rule against boys and girls being friends! Of course there were jokes, and after a certain age, around 10 she remembered when the neighbor boy she played in the garden with often had suddenly called her ‘yucky’ in front of the whole class, there’s this drift that make keeping friends or making new ones difficult.
Why was everything so suddenly difficult once you stopped being a child?
Yucky was such a silly word, but it had hurt her so much. After that, they never played together again. She sometimes heard him make fun of her with his guy friends. She had just accepted it. That there were things you couldn’t fight against, and it’ll hurt less if you let them wash over you without reacting. Then Ryoko happened. Held her hand and took her out of this lake she had let herself drown in. Made her remember how friendship felt like. Warm, and soft, with this ticklish laugh stuck to the bottom of her stomach. She had saved her, really.
Then she saw how Kitano had similarly saved Ryoko. Something Ikuko hadn't been able to do. So, she was grateful.
“Do you sometimes feel lonely even around people?” she asked, because at this point, she couldn’t easily humiliate herself much more.
Because Kitano liked to ponder, his reply took a moment to take shape.
“I think…” he started “that it’s hard to understand each other. If you see someone doing something you’ll never do, of course you’ll be confused.”
Ikuko frowned, wondering what this has to do with what she asked.
“So it’s lonely in that way, yes.” he continued “To try and be understood by others, but no matter what you do they still see you as an alien. Incomprehensible.”
Ah, right. There she was, wallowing in self pity, forgetting that he had it way worse than her. Of course Kitano would be lonely when most people scream and run after seeing his face, and accuse him of wrongdoing when he was only trying to help. What a stupid thing to ask him!
“But,” he said.
And Ikuko tentatively looked back at him then, feeling guilty. Because she had been one of those people judging him on his appearance when he deserved so much better.
“Even if it doesn’t happen often, when you meet the right people, who accept you for who you are… it’s a magical feeling, isn’t it?”
Ikuko kinda wanted to cry then. How was it possible for him to be this positive after everything? And to think, if it wasn’t for Ryoko, she would have never known what a kind person Kitano is. He was right then, meeting the people that are right for you is a gift from the world.
She nodded, trying real hard to keep her composure “Yeah… it makes the world prettier.”
He smiled at that, in his way that was both charming and a bit terrifying. It wasn’t his fault that he was born with this face… but his attitude in life was all his own doing. His efforts, not giving up, trying so hard to prove everyone wrong. Kitano Seiichiro will never be what you expect of him, nah!
Feeling courageous suddenly, Ikuko jammed her shoulder on his side, in a friendly gesture. He seemed confused at it, and she laughed.
“I like to make plushies for friends, so… if I made you one, you’d want it?” she asked.
Kitano didn’t think long at all before replying “Absolutely!”