Chapter Text
3 years ago, Kuroo Tetsurou left for the United States.
I remember being mad at him, not overwhelmingly, but still mad enough to distinctly remember the feeling it emulated inside me. How could he leave me, just like that? All it took was one stupid letter from a university there and he's gone. Of course, he did seem a bit sad about leaving his homeland, but not enough to stay.
Three days before he left, he asked me, "Will you miss me?" With that stupid smirk on his face that I actually kinda love because it makes his eyes light up a little more than usual. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to demand he stay, to tell him not to leave me here.
But there was a thought on my mind that kept me silent. If I said I'd miss you, would you leave anyway? Double heart break would be too much for me. Or maybe it would be double rejection? Either way, I might not have been able to handle losing Kuro in many differing ways. So I simply sighed, and faked indifference. I actually do that quite frequently. It's much better than unnecessarily making a huge scene, in my opinion at least.
It didn't feel different, when he left that is. In many novels or personal accounts, people claim that the world (more or less) felt different, like there was a shift and suddenly it would be clear that whoever they love is hurt, or had left them, that something seemingly monumental had happened. But my atmosphere wasn't suddenly deprived of oxygen without him or anything.
To me, it was any other day. Just without Kuro. Even to this day I am not sure if things would have felt different had I let them. If I had never numbed my heart to the emotions clawing at my brain, begging to take over. If maybe I would have cried, broken down, screamed at the sun to stop shining, how its light was an injustice to what happened.
But if I'm being honest, that is simply not me.
I have usually been able to hide my emotions by burying them in this new game, or that new show. With this list of chores or things that need to be done, until any one problem plaguing me left my mid, or was simply hidden by all the clutter inside of my brain. Does that make me a hoarder, in a sense? Maybe.
There is always the possibility that I am simply a coward. It might make sense. I hid behind Kuro and my games, and when that was threatened I hid behind my thoughts. I most likely would have kept hiding behind Kuro if he hadn't left. If I had never let him go.
The truth is, I didn't want to let him go, but I also didn't want him to be aware of that.
It's simple, really. Among other crowds of 'friends' I had more or less felt... out of place. To let others know how much I depended on them would be much to large and embarrassing of an affair. I was more or less content with being the outsider.
Kuro though... he was different than all of my other (few) friends. Kuro made it his business to make it known to me that my place was in the center of his life. He would shine the spotlight of his attention at me, demanding attention in return with his perfect smile and wild bedhead.
(Of course, in later years I had Shoyou and some other Volleyball friends, but it was never the same as Kuro.)
That was one of the reasons I was mad when he left. Not like in the previously mentioned novels or accounts, but because he gave me attention, light... maybe love? And then took it all away.
There were also other reasons. The fact that I had to grow without him at times, even though it wasn't his fault. I cherished every moment with him, but only up to about when I was 11 years old did I realise how strange out friendship really was.
Maybe because I subconsciously (totally consciously) thought we were more.
I know, it sounds idiotic. I simply decided in my head that we were most likely something more than just friends or even best friends at a young age. After all, none of my other few friends would cuddle with me, or let me lay on them, or really have lost the sense of personal space with each other the way Kuro and I did. I didn't feel the same around them also, like Kuro had a different atmosphere.
It was all yanked away from me, that beautiful fantasy that I treasured in my head, the one I thought he had going on as well as we were best friends, obviously we had the same wavelengths going through our heads, at that age of around 11 years old. That was the time he introduced me to his 'girlfriend', and I realized that I was the only one under the impression that we were something more than simply best friends.
So, back to the grow up on my own/ without him, I had to pretend I was fine. I was content with letting myself be pushed to the background. Kuro was like my Sun, and as long as I got some light, even a tiny ray, I was better than okay. Of course, he never just gave me a ray. He practically gave me the entirety, and spared a ray for his girlfriends and that sort.
Still, I got annoyed at the mere thought of his girlfriends. He tended to go for the pink-lipped, large-breasted, ditzy type, not the kind who could think for themself. He had a new one hanging off of his arm nearly every week or so, and it tore at me in a way I never imagined anything could have.
I tried to copy him, but girls never really appealed to me. No one did, actually. No one but Kuro. At first that confused me and terrified me to the very marrow in my bones. Why wasn't I like every other person? Why couldn't I feel something for those sugar sweet smiles that girls (more commonly it was guys) would every once in a while throw my way? Why was it that I never was able to move past Kuro?
I figured out in the later part of my first year of high school, that is, what I identified as. After research and maturing, I came across the term demisexual. It basically means that to be really attracted to someone it requires a deep emotional connection. That was when I experienced a relaxing sense of euphoria, I finally understood!
I also felt doomed. Why? Because if I really was demisexual then that meant I would likely never get over Kuro. He was the only person I was even willing to get close to on that level.
He was also as straight as an iron pole.
Really, I had no right to be mad at him. It wasn't his fault I had a hopeless, childhood crush on him that would not ever quell, no matter how far I pushed it down. But I still was, mad at him that is.
But after half a year, that anger faded. I realized how childish I was being. Kuro did not belong to me, he deserved to have a life of his own! In fact... I just was only holding him back.
Before then, I messaged him almost constantly, which was most likely incredibly annoying to him. I know, very out of character for me. After that half year though, my anger had been soothed, and what had been once driving me to demand his attention was now telling me to leave him alone. Let him live his life in peace and unrestrained.
3.5 years ago Kenma stopped talking to him.
However, that is easier said than done.
It took me one and a half years to stop all together talking to him. By no means did I want to, but I knew that it was just me being a good friend. He would ask me why we hardly ever spoke anymore, was it school? Volleyball? A relationship? I tried to remain vague. He was probably only tricking himself into missing me, and if I was the one who distanced themselves first it would be easier for him. I was convinced I was doing the right thing.
It got a little out of control a few times. Sometimes it was on his part, sometimes it was on mine. For example, he brought my parents into it, asking if I was alright. It never seemed to cross his mind what was really happening. I had to reassure my parents of mine and Kuro's friendship, that I was perfectly fine.
One my part, I had a few... breakdowns. What can I say? He was my absolute best friend. I almost called him in my second year of college, almost half a year after I had given up on him giving up on me and blocked him. School was hard, stress levels were high and even then still rising impossibly high, and I just wanted a familiar voice, the one that I trusted, the one that I loved, telling me it was alright.
I never made the call.
Another time that was awkward was when Shoyou invited me to hang out with him and his boyfriend, (or they may still have been denying it then, I don't remember) and Shoyou brought up the topic of Kuro, or to them, Kuroo.
Even Shoyou was still in contact with him, and he was questioning me like gunfire about why we had drifted away. I blamed the distance, I blamed human nature, I blamed anything I could think of other than 'I had to release the man I loved, love, from my clingy, undeserving, restraining grip'. That would have made things, much, much worse for me.
I don't think the scary setter, Tobio? Yes, Tobio, believed me. He was, is, smarter han he lets on in things other than Volleyball, and if he let himself he would excel in all subjects. Sadly, some people acquire tunnel vision to help them instead of widening their small view. In my opinion, it's sad.
Other than the awkward moment here and there regarding Kuro, I was actually able to avoid thinking about him that often. I used my brain-hoarding technique, and I pushed myself harder at school. I stayed in Volleyball, even at college, and was made vice captain in my last year. (Well, I denied the position. But they tried to make me vice captain.) I was not planning on taking Volleyball further than that, however. I wasn't even sure why I continued in the first place, after all it was really just Kuro that kept me in it all through high school.
May be it was that I had finally grown past hiding behind Kuro. I suppose that I actually forced myself to continuously grow until I became really independent.
And 1 year ago Kuroo returned, but Kenma wasn't notified.
During my last year of college, thoughts of Kuro hardly ever brushed past the conscious thoughts in my brain. I had (more or less but not really) succeeded in what I was sure was the best thing I could do for my best friend, the same one who would never would be anything more than that.
With the end of the year approaching, I hardly had anytime to eat, much less think about how stupid I was to let him slip right through my fingers. I didn't have time to wonder if he still got behead like it was his religion, or if that smirk I loved, love, was still intact. I didn't have time to wonder if he still thought of me, if he was still curious about why I distanced my self from him. No, I was much too busy for any of that.
I would be lying if I said I didn't anyway.
He was my best friend for years, it makes sense. When a large portion of your life is spent with someone, you tend to think about them whether you want to or whether you definitely do not want to. In my case, I was torn between both. You know the saying old habits die hard? It was a habit of mine to love him. And even though that love was pushed behind mind clutter, it stayed just as strong as ever.
I was fairly certain I'd never see him again. That he'd find that dream life in the United States that almost seemed like a fantasy, that he'd settle down and have children and get old and fat with some foreign chick, and when he did I would be the last thing on his mind.
Three seconds ago, Kenma saw Kuroo for the first time in 5 years.
I suppose I was wrong. And right too, because he does still have bedhead, and he still reminds me of home even when I'm not sure what home is. He still makes my breath hitch and my stomach flutter and makes it that much harder to hide my true feelings.
"Hey Kenma. Long time no see."