Work Text:
The night's cold air feels smooth, not too overwhelming against Jihoons flush skin. It comes and goes in gentle waves. The peaceful silence of the night is calming. He needs to feel calm, there was too much noise, and too many bodies to feel comfortable in his own skin. The guys are great, but they can be overbearing sometimes.
He should have fought harder when they barged into his work. Catching Jihoon as he made his way down the street ready to go home. It was more part of guilt than anything, realizing that his absences make a real difference. It’s not that he was avoiding them on purpose, it’s half the truth. Things with Soonyoung took a turn for difficult, the one person who’s usually the easiest to breathe next to.
But as Jisoo crosses his arms, and Minghao complains that he bought his new tea flavors for no reason Jihoon realizes that maybe this whole thing with Soonyoung was just in his head. He apologized words stuck in his throat, guilt an irritating scratch at the back of his mind.
Either way, he came to Jeonghan's apartment as a consolation, he played games to appease, and he drank drinks to show that he was okay. The moment things got a little too chaotic Jihoon had mentally bid his farewell.
The power shut off halfway through an argument between Jisoo and Jeonghan, something truly vicious, not their usually whiny back and forth, where they try to make the other stumble from the incoherence. It made everyone pause, eyes moving over to Seungcheol begging him to try and stop the argument brewing.
It stopped everyone in their tracks, the usual scaredy cats screaming their heads off, the argument diffused as Jeonghan chortled when Hansol accidentally threw his drink on Wonwoo’s brand-new beige slacks.
Jihoon took the time to slip away. The night sky is beautiful, opening his mind to the twinkling stars, the small constellations his mind makes up.
A click resonates in the quiet space, the balcony door preying open, Soonyoung pushing the curtain out of the way. He pokes his head in, a child-like smile gracing his face, his eyes sharp but soft at the edges. He makes his way in, not fully closing the door.
He doesn’t say anything as he moves to sit next to Jihoon on the small couch. He pulls out a small cup from his pocket, two small folded papers the only thing inside.
“Hi”, he says. Jihoon rolls his eyes and can feel warmth against his skin from where Soonyoungs skin is pressed against him. “Came here to taunt me?”, Jihoon responds instead, flicking the glass cup.
Soonyoung laughs lowly. “Well”, he begins, maneuvering his body so he’s facing Jihoon straight on. Jihoon stays still, refusing to look at him, instead observing the gentle flickering of the streetlight down below. “You didn’t get to participate” he finishes his sentence.
Silence overtakes them both, and Jihoon feels out of depth. He was a little uncomfortable, unwilling to play their silly little game of spin the bottle. But instead of having the bottle decide who your partner is, you had to choose a name out of a bowl and decide between which of the two you’d prefer.
You can see how the argument was initiated.
Jihoon did not like the premise of the game. Firstly, he’s a man who sticks to his morals, a little too stubborn, enough so that he has gotten grievances from his coworkers, mother, and friends. He feels fine and comfortable playing kissing games with the other guys. They each have a tendency to push the line of coddling and romance quite often.
He was just too stubborn to let go of this insistent worry, guilt, and pressure. He resigned himself to the back and made his stance of not playing known. The guilt festered as he met eyes with Soonyoung. They weren’t soft, no they were sharp and calculating, watching his every move, analyzing the way Jihoon flushed red, the defiance in his face as he told him to fuck off.
What guilt did Jihoon have to deal with? What worry or pressure when he wasn’t the one who opened the can of worms.
The small thought that this thing with Soonyoung was all in his head wasn’t true. It was clear as day it bothered Soonyoung as well when it was his turn, motions fluid and easy as he bound up to press his lips against red-faced Jun, eyes boring into Jihoons own.
It made it too much, the worry morphing into waves of nausea, his mind a blur, his gut swooping as his heart panged. Jihoon refused to admit the kiss messed with him a little.
“I’m not one for drinking games and the whole truth or dare nonsense”
Soonyoung hummed. Jihoon could feel him stare from the side. “You never gave me an answer”
Jihoon's breath studders, he moves to look at Soonyoung, gone is the small sweet smile. His face is a little stoic, contemplating high. In an instant, the serene calmness of the night shatters. Jihoon feels the burn in his ears, he’s caught off guard, it’s either get up and return to the mess that’s inside Jeonghan's apartment or stay secluded in the corner, away from prying eyes and fake pretenses.
“What do you want me to even say?”, he responds, a little too rough and a little too loud. His emotions are creeping to overtake his rationalist side. A bad habit he’s learned from Soonyoung.
Soonyoung bites his lip, “You know what I want to hear”, Jihoon swallows his next words down, Soonyoung puts the small cup by his thigh as he takes his phone out. “I can’t play this game of chicken, Jihoon. I know you the best, I can see through the façade”
Jihoon bubbles in annoyance, angrily hitting Soonyoung's thigh. “Soonyoung can we-“
Soonyoung shushes him, “I’m not playing this game with you anymore,” he says matter of fact. Jihoon hunches deeper into the couch. Watches as Soonyoung opens his timer. He grabs the cup and jiggles it around, “each round, you can say your piece”
He grabs the only two papers in it, both their names scribbled on in pretty penmanship. Soonyoung pushes forward, pressing start on his timer, he gingerly grabs Jihoons face, thumb rubbing the top of his cupid bow.
Jihoon doesn’t know what to do. His heart is erratic, the closer Soonyoung gets the more his body and brain are expecting, giddy, and happy the fantasies that Jihoon made sure to squash to oblivion are resurfacing.
Soonyoung lips are chapped, but they feel soft nonetheless. Jihoon’s too shocked to offer any services. The press is soft and warm. It’s a chaste kiss, Soonyoung moving back to catch Jihoons eyes in question. Jihoon shrugs because why not. His neurons are refusing to engage with his brain. Soonyoung huffs, pressing back in. He presses a little harder than before, moving his lips in gentle motions. Jihoons at a loss, he tries to imitate what Soonyoung is doing. Pressing on and off, mouth moving in time with Soonyoung. The sound of kissing makes Jihoon feel glee.
Jihoon pushes closer, Soonyoung biting his bottom lip as a sigh leaks out. The timer rings, and Soonyoung is quick to detach himself from Jihoon.
Jihoon can only stare at the chest in front of him. His brain is lagging, situation not fully understandable.
“Why won’t you admit you like me?”, Soonyoungs quick to the chase. Jihoon was too flustered to properly respond.
It probably did bother Soonyoung way more than he thought.
The situation was sudden, Soonyoung standing at his doorway, short blonde hair drenched in rain, splaying over his forehead. The rain was coming down hard, his breaths heavy, puffs visible in the flooding night. He grabs Jihoons wrists, hands freezing cold that it makes Jihoon jolt. “Soonyoung,” he says, ready to pull him inside the warm apartment. Soonyoung shakes his head no, hands running down his fingers before letting go.
His ears and nose are a deep red. The corners of his eyes splayed pink. Jihoon could see how hard he was shivering and his heart broke a little at the resistance of coming inside. Soonyoung reached into his coat pocket, pulling a folded piece of paper out. He waves it around first, wet hand creasing and wetting the fragile thing.
“R-remember when you lost that notebook. The one with all your ideas and your thoughts. Where you write your poems for class?” Soonyoung stutters through it. Jihoon trying to comprehend him. He knows the notebook. He’s had it since high school, all the way through his general four years of college before starting his master's. It was a miracle he never ran out of room through all of it. Using every nook and cranny, every surface of the pages.
It was his prized possession, something that helped hack out all the emotional baggage Jihoon accumulated, all the held-back feelings that settled and sat in the pit of his stomach, weighing him down. The only other person who knows about the notebook is Soonyoung, being privy to the first few years. A means to have Jihoon talk about his issues without having him actually verbally start the discussion.
He nods more confused than anything. Soonyoung coughs, and sniffles, “I found it. It was shoved within the crevices of my bed frame. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to read it, I know you wanted to keep it private….but this is about me isn’t it?”
Jihoons stomach drops. He grabs the paper from his hand, unfolding it, making sure to not rip it where it has become wet. In his messy handwriting, the first line of the paragraph starts, Jihoon remembers everything he writes. “Charisma drips along his back like a heady fog. Eyes alluring, sharp in contrast to the summery lullaby of his laugh. I think I’ve fallen”
Jihoon closes his eyes and presses the paper to his forehead. His hands start to shake. The nerves wrapped in a bundle, the elastic stretching to accommodate the rapid fire of nausea.
Soonyoung grabs his hands pulling them away from his face.” It is isn’t it? You like me don’t you?”, Jihoon refused to look up at him. The rainy wind bites at his legs. “Jihoon,” he says, voice melodic as he moves in closer, his coat pressing against Jihoons oversized shirt, wetting the thin fabric. He pulls his head up gently. Soonyoungs eyes are so open, open, and innocent, with no judgment or anger. Soonyoung pats his hair, caressing his fingers down. “Am I right?” he asks once again. Jihoon opens his mouth, the words dying on his tongue. Because this isn’t supposed to happen. Soonyoung isn’t supposed to look at him as if he hung the stars as if he's the only thing that matters right now. As if this news is such a harmonious moment.
Jihoons mind fizzles. What was nerves douses his body in embarrassment or anger, some weird complex emotion. He rips himself away from Soonyoung, confused as Jihoon slams the door closed in his face.
Jihoon burns. His arms itch, his breathing isn’t coherent, and he can hear Soonyoungs ínstense knocking. The muted, “I like you too Jihoon. Please”
Until Jihoon is left in silence, the rain is his only friend at the moment.
Jihoon only wrote that poem to try and dispel the feeling. It bubbled and consumed his body every waking moment. The words on paper do nothing to remove his feelings. Soonyoung is his closest friend. He’s been there through thick and thin. He was there years ago when his first boyfriend broke up with him over text.
It was more of a shotgun relationship. All his other friends were losing their virginity, each gaining experience, Jihoon felt left behind and dated the first person he could find. It broke his heart, Jihoon felt things for this three-second shitty relationship. The text took him by surprise. Being told he was a bore, that his refusal to not put out was aggravating, even when he did things that didn’t revolve around actual penetrative sex was abysmal.
Safe to say Soonyoung sucked a consolidation and Jihoon needed a new bass guitar.
Jihoon is stubborn, he sticks to his morals, and he’s an immovable object once he sets his mind to it. He felt raw and wounded and swore to never let himself fall into that situation again. He lacks the experience everyone around has gotten and refuses to endure their weak arguments about him meeting people. Soonyoung of all should know Jihoon would just waste his time.
He swallows hard, Soonyoung staring back in silence, “You're just confused. It was a long time ago”
Soonyoung laughs meanly, clicking his teeth. He puts the small papers back into the cup, shoving them into Jihoons hands. “I know you in and out. Don’t lie to me”
Jihoon feels like he’s up against an advisory. His greatest foe. Soonyoung can be seen as goofy and idiotic at times. His other friends never take to heart the things he says, but deep down when Soonyoung truly needs to he’ll stop the silly smiles and over-the-top jokes. His eyes will zero in on you, exposing your every thought and that’s what Jihoon feels, open and raw unable to hide.
He shakes the cup, forgoing to open the pieces of paper. He reaches over, Soonyoung pressing the timer.
Jihoon felt unconfident in pressing his lips against Soonyoung's. His hands itch, moving up to gingerly grasp at his jaw.
Soonyoung doesn’t deter, he presses in and nips his bottom lip. Jihoon moves to complain but gets stopped the moment Soonyoung presses in harder. The kiss becomes more fervent as if Soonyoung is pouring all his frustrations into it. He sucks his bottom lip. Jihoon is unable to contain the soft moan as Soonyoung takes the opportunity to gingerly lick into his mouth.
Jihoon pauses, shellshocked. The timer rings, and Soonyoung's slow to leave this time around.
He looks at Jihoon expectantly, Jihoon takes in a shaky breath.
“I’m not going to admit it,” he says matter of fact. Soonyoung hums, and looks out to the street below. “Why,” he says, voice low and pitiful. “I like you Jihoon. It’s mutual”
Jihoon shakes his head. The bed of nerves that has settled in the pit of his stomach resurfaces the moment Soonyoung rubs his eyes. He can’t go through that again. Even though it has been years since that crappy relationship it took a hit to his morale.
In truth, he likes Soonyoung deeply. He’s understanding, funny, and a presence that feels calming to be next to. They spend all their time together, and he feels warm butterflies in his stomach every time he rests his head against his shoulder when he grabs his hand. The way he looks at him, his eyes open and clear, giving Jihoon everything. It’s tempting, so loving.
But Jihoon refuses to say that. He refuses to open old wounds, Soonyoung is nothing like that guy he dated before. It feels slightly unfair to be this unrelenting.
“Jihoon stop being such a child. Reject me then. Tell me straight up that you don’t want this to happen. Trust me I have plenty of other people to date”
Jihoon curls his finger into his sweats. His annoyance bounces up, what is Soonyoung expecting out of him. Him being a child, how immoral to say when Soonyoung is the first to throw a hissy fit at any moment's notice. Heat starts to curl deep inside, he feels stupid and caught off guard. “Then what are you doing then? Date those other people. What’s the purpose of you even doing any of this? This is childish”
Soonyoung stare at him hard, and the nerves start to flair back up, a nasty mix of anger and slow resentment. “Childish huh?” He says as he gets up, rubbing his hair in frustration, more spikey than earlier. “Jihoon this is the only way I can get you to talk. You refuse to just sit down and open your mouth. Childish…my feelings are childish to you?”
Jihoon snaps his retort away. His heart sinks. Soonyoung feels frayed, his energy conveys annoyance and anger. He's never shown this emotion to him before. Jihoon moves to get up, but Soonyoung stops him. “You know what. Forget it. You made your choice clear. I’ll stop”
Sonnyoung moves to grab his phone. He opens the door, a fake smile on his face as he hears SeungKwan ask for some help, he clicks it closed.
Jihoon is shrouded in darkness again, in silence. It’s no longer serene and peaceful. His nerves are fire-filled, his heart hurts with each beat, and his breath is shattered. He doesn’t think Soonyoungs feelings are childish. He has a right to express how he feels. What went wrong was having them towards Jihoon.
But Jihoon sits there, the streets quiet, sections of the houses he can see from the balcony back with power.
Jihoon likes Soonyoung, he’s liked Soonyoung for so long. And what does he do but bury his own feelings in the ground? That was a rejection, wasn’t it? Jihoon had invertly rejected Soonyoung. He lashed out, hated hearing about the many people he had on reserve. Hated seeing him kiss Jun on the lips, a bubbling jealousy forcing him to leave the room for the remainder of the game.
Soonyoung isn’t him. Soonyoung cares, Soonyoung understands, and knows his shortcomings, he’s never shown cruelty when Jihoon admits his deep secrets. He’s the only that makes every day plausible.
And he’s fucked it up. Of course, Jihoon wants to date him. He wants to hold his hand, to feel that kiss every day, have his hands roam his body for the first time. To experience his firsts with him.
Jihoon sits on the couch for a little longer, until Jeonghan calls him in. They played a quick game, three groups of two sharing the rooms while the rest were sprawled on the living room floor.
He’s paired with Jisoo, the boy still flushed, anger still fresh around his being.
And Jihoon watches secretly, watches Soonyoung help clean, joking in his usual way. It makes a smile rise on Jihoons lips, watching him fret around the room.
As he brushes his teeth Soonyoung makes an appearance, Jihoons heart logged in his throat. Soonyoung leans in, pressing his cheek to his shoulder. “Don’t forget to drink your pills. I don’t think they’ll fall asleep right away”, he moves away just as fast as he came.
It’s the little things.
It’s always the little things. Even though he’s mad at him, even though Jihoon broke his heart, Soonyoung still cares. He’s still gentle and caring and loving to someone like Jihoon would doesn’t dersve that at all.
As Jihoon looks into the mirror, the flush to his cheeks, the shimmery wetness in his eyes, his worst fear finally makes an appearance. A simple one: not having Soonyoung by side anymore.
He walks up to Jisoo. It seems the previous argument with Jeonghan was never hashed away. Poor Seokmin is caught in the middle as he begs Jihoon to save him. “You clearly rigged it. Just no way” Jisso says. Jeonghan crossed his arms, annoyance high. “So fucking what then?” He says.
“You wanna switch roommates” Jihoon interprets, simple as that. Jisoo stops in his rant, and a wicked smile replaces the pout. “More than anything,” he says, pushing past Jihoon. Jeonghan looks him down, that anger moving from Jisoo to him. “Are you kidding me?” He says, voice harsh to something Jihoon has no hand in. He doesn’t bother to entertain Jeonghan, he has things to do.
He pushes into the dark room. Soonyoung splayed across the bed, phone eliminating his face as he clicks away.
“Did the power come back so I can turn on the AC?”, he says. A quick glance morphs his face into a solid rock. He fixes himself in the bed. “Where’s Ji?”
“Switched rooms”
Soonyoung nods, focusing back on his phone. Jihoon moves slowly, getting into bed. It’s awkward, tensions high as Soonyoung does his best to not touch a single part of his body. Jihoon feels nervous, this type of nervousness is different from what he was experiencing an hour before. Before the nerves were a mix of dread and frustration. The type that fizzled out his energy, exhaustion covering every inch of his body.
He digs into his pocket, pulling out the two small papers. He moves, fearing be fucked, as he straddles Soonyoungs highs. The other man looks away from his phone in confusion. Jihoon simply slaps the object away from his hand shoving his other hand holding the paper in front of his face. “What are you doing?” Soonyoung says, a little flustered.
“We never finished playing” is all Jihoon says. Soonyoung heaves a sigh, pushing Jihoons hand away from his face. “I thought it was childish”
“It was my turn and you jumped the gun”
Soonyoung snaps his mouth shut. He shrugs. Jihoon flings the papers away as he scoots closer, firmly sitting on Sonnyoungs lap. Sonnyoung is quick to splay his hands on Jihoons lower waist. “Soonyoung your feelings arnt childish. They mean a lot to me. I can’t deal with you being upset at me”
Soonyoung levels him with a look, eyes roaming his face, reading every nook and cranny, trying to see where Jihoons cracks lie. “I’m… I'm just too scared to admit my feelings. I am…lacking”
“Hey”, Soonyoung interrupts. Hands moving high to wrap around his waist and yank him in closer. “No, you are not. I don’t care about any of that”
“I know” Jihoon sighs, face pressing against Soonyoungs shoulder in embarrassment. “I don’t have the experience you need”
“Jihoon”, the voice is hard, Soonyoung looks not pleased. He grabs Jihoons face, hands unbelievably warm. The hard look in his eyes stops Jihoon from moving. It’s calculating and once he’s understood the problem Jihoon can see the moment it went from harsh to a soft fondness. “I’m not like that guy”
Jihoon whines, face a flame as if he feels like crying. “I know,” he says, voice too watery to feel normal. “I know but I don’t have what everyone else does and you're going to get bored”
“No” Soonyoung shakes his head, “idiot. I don’t care. I couldn't care less. I’ve seen you at your worst, literally. I’ve hand-fed you when you’ve been too weak to roll over in bed. Jihoon I’m not that type of person”
“I know”
Soonyoung rests his forehead against Jihoon's, the puff of air minty fresh. Jihoon wants to kiss him so badly. He still feels lacking, but Soonyoung is so sweet and loving that maybe he’ll forget about it. “Sorry if it’s bad”
Soonyoung laughs, pressing his lips against Jihoon, the kiss urgent. Jihoon feels like he has to play catch up. A jolt the moment Soonyoung licks into his mouth, Jihoon gripping his shoulder as their tongues press against each other.
If feels good, it feels nice kissing Soonyoung. A moan pushes out as he sucks on his tongue, Jihoon too hazy to push back against his lips. Soonyoung winds his arms tight around Jihoons waist, pressing his hips flush against his own, as he licks the roof of Jihoons mouth.
Jihoon pushes away, breath shallow, Soonyoung licks his lips, “yum” he says, a fat smile winding on his face, Jihoon smacking his head.
The door to the room swings open, light filtering in, Soonyoung is quick to immobilize Jihoon.
Seungcheol walks in a little too frazzled, “We need to mix the rooms again for the sanity of this apartment”, the older man completely unfazed at their compromising position.