Chapter Text
“Three seasons? Buck, you can’t be serious.”
“You can’t start a show in the fourth season!”
“Can’t you just read the wikipedia and explain it to me?”
Eddie didn’t binge watch shows. After 2 or 3 episodes, he would feel restless. In the back of his mind, a small voice told him that he could be using his time in more useful ways. Especially since Christopher left. If he could, he would fill up every single hour just to keep his brain quiet.
“Come on, think of it as supporting Bobby.”
“Bobby isn’t even involved in these seasons!”
“We can’t start in the fourth season! Do you know much context we’d be missing?”
“It can’t be that much.” Eddie forced out a dramatic sigh as he handed Buck a beer. “But fine, you win.”
It didn’t matter if he put up a fight - he knew he was doomed to watch this show the moment Buck asked to binge it with him.
He told Buck he’d think about it.
They both knew that was a yes.
Buck started the show as Eddie took a large swig of his beer. He hoped the beer would help him survive the night.
“This is ridiculous.” Eddie pointed at the screen. “I don’t think that’s even possible.”
“We had a similar call when I started actually.”
“There’s no way someone flushed a baby down the toilet.”
“I swear! I’ll call Bobby right now.” He reached to take his cell phone out of his pocket.
“Put your phone away - I trust you.” Even if it sounded ridiculous.
The opening credits started. Most of the actors were unfamiliar to Eddie, which didn’t shock him. He might live in LA, but that didn’t mean he stayed up to date with celebrities on random network television shows.
Eddie almost dropped his beer at the final credit that flashed on the screen: BASED ON CLOSE TO THE FIRE BY TAYLOR KELLY.
“Oh, you’re fucking kidding me. Did you know this?”
Buck bit his lip. “Maybe.”
“Jesus Christ,” Eddie muttered as he chugged his beer. “I need another beer. Or maybe something stronger.”
“I don’t know if it’s stronger but I might have brought something else.”
Eddie looked to see a joint rested between two of Buck’s fingers. He nodded towards the back door. Eddie figured why the fuck not as he grabbed the joint from Buck’s fingers as he stood up. He walked towards the backdoor. He turned around and saw Buck still sitting on the couch looking bewildered. “You coming, Buckley?”
Buck scrambled towards the door Eddie held open.
Eddie sat down in the grass, and Buck sat next to him close enough that he could feel his body heat. He wished they could stay like this all day instead of watching whatever bullshit Taylor Kelly wrote.
It wouldn’t be the actual 118. There wouldn’t be some fake version of himself with a fake version of his son. There was no way Taylor cared about him enough for that.
“Lighter?” Eddie held his palm towards Buck, who made no effort to move. “Please tell me you brought a lighter.”
“Oh shit, yeah.” Buck leaned back to reach into his pocket.
Eddie brought the joint to his lips extending his hand towards Buck. He pointed at the lighter and then gestured for it. When Buck didn’t hand it over, he scrunched his face.
Instead of handing over the lighter, Buck turned his upper body towards Eddie.
Eddie’s head snapped down when he heard the familiar click. He quickly looked back up at Buck.
He was about to remove the joint from his lips, but stopped when he felt Buck’s hand on his jaw. Whatever he was going to say was forgotten. The only thing he could think about was the roughness of Buck’s hand.
Buck gently moved Eddie’s head closer while raising the lighter. Once Eddie realized what was happening, he leaned forward slightly towards Buck.
He focused on the flame at the end of the joint. Eddie took a deep breath once it was lit, before looking at Buck.
He’d looked at Buck before. He looked at Buck all the time. But, rarely this close.
He’s beautiful.
Eddie forgot how to breathe for a moment. He only remembered when he felt the start of a cough.
Buck’s hand slipped off Eddie’s face when Eddie turned to blow out the smoke. He missed its warmth immediately.
He took one more hit before handing the joint off to Buck.
It didn’t take long for heaviness to settle in his muscles. He looked at Buck’s outstretched legs.
Eddie turned his body as he started to lie down. He continued to lower his body until his head was resting against Buck’s thigh.
Buck exhaled before he looked down at Eddie. There was a fondness in his eyes that normally would have Eddie squirming. Instead he just smiled at Buck. He thought it might be the first time he genuinely smiled since Christopher left.
Before Eddie could ask for another hit, Buck brought the joint to Eddie’s lips. He tried not to focus on Buck’s fingers lightly touching his lips as he inhaled.
And they just stayed there until Buck eventually broke the silence.
“We should probably start the show.”
“Oh, yeah.” For a few peaceful moments, Eddie forgot about the show. He stood up first, and then offered his hand to Buck to help him get up.
Eddie sat back down on the couch as Buck hit play again. He wanted to be annoyed, but it was hard when his body felt this relaxed.
Five episodes in and Eddie admitted that it was an entertaining show, though there was no way that he would let anyone know he was enjoying the experience. The fictionalized version of the station before he arrived was fascinating.
(His stomach twisted wondering if he would appear or if Taylor wrote him out of the story. Hopefully, it will be the second.)
In his head, Eddie created a list of things that were the same. And there, were a lot of similarities from the stories he had been told about the station prior to his arrival.
There were plenty of small differences to notice. For example, Bobby wasn’t an alcoholic. Eddie wondered if it was because Taylor had a heart, but he wasn’t sure since the fire was still included.
The most obvious was the absence of Abby. There were no complaints from Eddie about this adaptational difference.
As the episodes continued, Eddie recognized some of the stories he had heard about Buck’s past, but there were plenty that he didn’t. He wondered how much of this show was actually fiction.
It couldn’t be completely real, because if it was real…
Eddie’s stomach twisted at the idea that Taylor knew things about Buck that he didn’t.
Eddie focused on the familiar sight on the tv. Brock somehow found the time to make out with another nameless woman. How many one night stands were they going to watch this man have? He prayed that this wasn’t something still happening in the later seasons.
Maybe he’d ask Bobby. They had agreed to avoid spoilers, but this was just one small tiny thing.
Then, without breaking the kiss, Brock effortlessly picked her up before pressing her up the closest wall.
Eddie finished his beer and for a moment imagined what it would be like to her - to have strong arms wrapping around his body.
“How accurate is Brock 1.0?”
Slowly, Eddie looked towards Buck. He looked like he did at the station the other day when he was struggling to complete a sudoku. He didn’t want to know what puzzle Buck was trying to solve at the “To what?” Buck smirked and brought his beer bottle to his lips. The confusion was gone from his face. “You have to be more specific.”
“Buck 1.0”
Eddie glanced at the TV again. Brock was still making out with the nameless woman. At this point, it felt like this scene was taking up the full run time of the episode.
Buck looked at the tv before shifting his upper body towards Eddie. His left arm stretched out, and his fingertips ghosted over Eddie’s shoulder.
“Sorry, need you to be more specific.”
Eddie struggled to put the words together. The line between judgmental and curious was thin.
And Eddie was curious.
How many people did you sleep with?
Did that girl really sleep with you after you killed her snake?
Did you fuck in a gas station bathroom?
Do you like it when someone is on top?
Why do I care?
The spiraling stopped when Eddie felt Buck’s fingertips brush against his shoulder with more force than before.
“Are you asking if I was as big a slut as Brock?”
“Jesus, Buck. Not the words I’d use.”
Now Eddie was more curious.
Do you think you could hold me against a wall, too?
Eddie sprung up to his feet as if he had been electrocuted. “Want a beer?”
Buck looked confused. “Yeah, sure, man.”
There was something lingering on Buck’s face but Eddie didn’t attempt to figure it out.
The deal was they’d only watch three episodes. He didn’t try to stop when played the fourth episode.
He immediately regretted his decision.
Eddie felt his stomach drop as a new character was introduced. He prayed that it wasn’t him. It was just some other random firefighter that joined the 118.
As the episode continued, Eddie’s stomach twisted into knots. The conversations weren’t the same, but it wasn't far from the energy of Eddie’s first days at the 118. It didn’t help that they put zero creativity into picking the name. He couldn’t believe that they went with Freddie.
It only grew more obvious as the episode continued. Brock might as well have told Freddie that he wanted him dead. Eddie couldn’t believe he forgot how jealous Buck was when he started.
He wondered how accurate this was to reality. The tension between Freddie and Brock was palpable, so much so that it was practically its own character.
Eddie didn’t know if he was misreading the show, but there were moments when the tension crossed a line into flirting.
It’s probably just the beer, he thought.
“See, it’s not really us,” Buck said.
“There’s no way you believe that - they’re us.”
“I didn’t act like this!”
“No, you were worse.” Eddie joked as he lightly pushed Buck’s shoulder. “You got upset with me for not having a nickname, even though Eddie is a nickname.”
Buck pointed at Eddie. “You said it wasn’t Eduardo! Sorry some of us have parents that hate nicknames.”
“Wait, did you think Eddie was my government name?”
“That’s not the point.”
Eddie leaned his head against the back of the couch turning to look at Buck. “And the point is?”
“Brock hates Freddie,” Buck paused. He looked over at Eddie. “I never hated you.”
There was silence that Eddie didn’t know how to fill. “We should probably order food.”
“Pizza is already on the way.” Of course, it was. Buck was a step ahead today. “One more before we eat?”
By the third time they smoked, Eddie rested his head on Buck’s thigh when they sat down. He wondered why this wasn’t something they did more - it was the most comfortable he’d been weeks.
”What do you think?” Buck asked.
Eddie started to laugh. “Bobby is going to fucking hate this.”
Buck laughed loudly. They laughed together until they both were crying.
“Stop! It’s not that bad.”
“You have to admit he’s going to hate this.”
Buck passed the joint to Eddie. “He’ll probably hate it.”
“Where in LA is this station even supposed to be? They take calls all over the fucking city.”
”I don’t think it’s supposed to be realistic.” Buck rested his arm against Eddie’s chest.
“But people are going to think that’s real!”
Eddie looked up at Buck. He smiled at Eddie, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
Before Eddie could ask Buck spoke so softly, he barely heard him.“Did you think I hated you?”
“Honestly? A little.”
Buck laughed hard. Eddie could feel his legs move under his legs. Warmth spread throughout this body. “I wasn’t that big of a brat.”
Eddie looked at Buck. “No, you were worse.”
“I was not.” Buck rubbed his thumb against Eddie’s arm. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you hate me back then?”
Eddie felt the air rush out of his lungs. There hadn’t been a moment where he hated Buck.
Buck threw him off his axis. He knew it sounded cocky, but he wasn’t used to people disliking him. Or at least that openly. Every dirty look or snide remark just made Eddie want to know him more.
Eddie had always loved puzzles, and he was determined to solve this one. He was going to find out why Buck hated him, and fix it.
In the end, it was an explosion that brought them together. Eddie decided that was good enough, and decided he didn’t need to solve that puzzle.
“I’ve never hated you, Buck.”
He could tell Buck didn’t believe him. He made himself as small as a six-foot man could. A protectiveness roared up in Eddie. He had the urge to scream at every person that made Buck convinced he couldn’t be loved.
“Even though I was awful to you?”
“Even then.” Eddie raised his pinky up to Buck. “I promise I’ve never hated you.”
Buck gave a small smile before intertwining his pinky with Eddie’s. “Promise?”
“I promise.” Eddie paused. “And I never will.”
“Diaz, you sure? You can’t break a pinky promise.”
“I know.”
They stayed there in that moment, until there was a vibration under Eddie’s head. He lifted it up as Buck fished for his phone.
“The pizza’s here.”
Two episodes (and a whole pizza) later, Eddie decided he was done. He had seen enough unrealistic rescues and overly dramatic fights. (He refused to believe that their lives were this dramatic).
“I can’t handle another episode.” There was a whine to Buck’s voice. Part of Eddie wanted to hear it again.
“You said that last episode.” Eddie stood up, and reached out to Buck to help him up. “Come on, it’s bedtime.”
Eddie started to walk towards his bedroom before turning around to see Buck getting sheets out of the linen closet.
“You’re not sleeping on the couch.”
He reached his hand to Buck, but noticed that Buck wasn’t looking at him.
“Oh.” Buck’s face fell as he put the sheets back into the closet. He took his phone out of his back pocket. “Sorry for assuming.”
Eddie drew his eyebrows together. “Assuming what?”
“Nothing - don’t worry.” He didn’t look up from his phone. “It’s fine - I ordered an uber.”
Eddie opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Using all his strength he finally choked out,” You could cancel it.”
Buck frowned. “Eddie - where - It’s fine. They’re two minutes away, and Maddie is coming over early, you know.”
Eddie didn’t know. Buck hadn’t brought up Maddie once.
He wanted to scream at Buck to stay, but he stood there frozen as Buck walked out the door.
He wasn’t sure if he was breathing.
What the fuck just happened?
____________
Eddie assumed that their next shift might be uncomfortable. He hadn’t meant to cross any boundaries, even if he wasn’t sure what boundary he had crossed.
But, then Buck greeted him when he arrived with a cup of coffee. He wanted to scream at him - why did you leave? Instead, he just took a sip of his coffee. It was made perfectly; it always was.
“Hen, have you seen Hotshots?” Buck asked the moment they entered the loft.
Eddie sat down next to Hen
Hen didn’t look up from her book. “Yeah. Karen loves it.”
“Wait - what?” He thought that he had to have heard her wrong. He put his hand on her book to get her attention. “Did everyone know about this show except me?”
“I assumed you knew.” Hen shrugged. “Didn’t you run the LAFD twitter?”
“Why does that matter?” Eddie emphasizes his confusion as he moves his hands with his words. “And you’ve seen the whole show?”
Hen laughed. “I’ve seen most episodes twice. Karen loves it.”
“Maddie and I watched it together.”
“And it doesn’t bother you that Gwen is practically you?” Eddie points at Hen, and then quickly points at Chimney. “Or that Jim is you?”
Hen shrugs. “Things start changing as the seasons go on.”
“Changing?” Eddie asks.
“Less us.”
Eddie leans toward cradling his head in his hands. Selfishly, he wished Bobby never retired because he still wouldn’t know this show existed.
“Don’t encourage him! They aren’t us.”
Eddie rubs his eyes. He couldn’t believe Buck was still refusing to accept that it was just retelling of their lives.
For a moment, no one spoke until Hen broke the silence, “Are you being serious?” Buck just stares back at her. “Oh, you’re being serious.”
Eddie mouthed thank you at Hen. At least one other person was on his side in this disagreement. “He won’t admit his ex-girlfriend used his life -”
“Taylor wouldn’t.”
Buck was cut off by Hen before he could finish. “Are we talking about the same Taylor?”
“What season are you on?” Chim asked, shifting the conversation away from Taylor. Eddie wanted to thank Chimney. Maybe, he’d buy him one of the cupcakes he liked.
“Season one.” Buck suddenly lights up. “We’re finishing season one tomorrow, if you want to watch.”
“Didn’t you start this like two days ago?”
“How did you blackmail Eddie into watching that many episodes?” Chimney asked. Then, he looked between the two of them. “Actually, I don’t want to know.”
“Chim and I’ll be there.”
Chim’s head snapped towards Hen. “I will?”
“Yes, we will.” Hen gave him a pointed look. Eddie swore the two of them had an entire conversation without opening their mouths. By the end of it, Chimney agreed that he’ll be there. He asks what time they should come and if they should bring anything.
The rest of the shift goes by smoothly. They shared the same relief for their 48 off. There was a reminder about watching Hotshots the next night.
“Eddie.”
He turned to see Hen. She looked at him directly, and something about her gaze made his stomach squirm.
“Do you know what the finale is about?”
Eddie tilted his head slightly to the side. “Buck and I promised to not look up spoilers.”
The words left his mouth and immediately realized how silly it sounded. In reality, they were just avoiding seeing how their lives were cut apart and stitched back together.
“Well, I’m telling you one.” Hen sighed. “It’s the bombing.”
“Which one?”
He didn’t want to tell her that they’d dealt with more than one bombing since he joined so she’d need to be more specific. But, she looked at him like he was an idiot for not understanding her right away.
Oh.
“The ladder truck?” Eddie asked for confirmation that he didn’t need. Hen nodded. “You’re going to tell him, right?”
“I thought you might want to.”
Eddie shook his head. “I don’t want him to think I looked up spoilers.”
“Okay. I’ll tell him.” Hen nods. “Tell me if you change your mind.”
Eddie nods. He knew he wouldn’t change his mind. Even if it wasn’t for the no spoiler rule, he didn’t want to tell him. They tucked away that incident - they didn’t talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about it.
The next night, Eddie arrived early. As he turns the key, he can’t remember if he told Buck he was coming early.
The first thing he saw when entering the loft was Buck. He was sitting at his table with a beer in his hand.
“You’re early.” Buck smiles at him before taking a sip of his beer.
Eddie nodded as he placed the other two bags in his hands on the counter. Buck looks from him to the bags before looking back at Eddie. Something flashes on his face that Eddie can’t read. It brings him back to when he first met Buck, and he needs to know everything about that look.
At that moment, Eddie realized Hen was right. He didn’t want anyone else to tell Buck. It was a conversation that he wanted to have with Buck.
It was a conversation they needed to have eventually.
“I didn’t look up spoilers, I promise but-,” Eddie started.
“But the finale is about the ladder truck?”
“You knew?”
“Maddie told me. Did you come early just to tell me that?”
Fuck, Eddie thought. He was still somehow fucking up, but this time there was no where for Buck to escape. Part of wished that he had just arrived at the discussed start time. He shifted his weight. “Yeah.”
“And you brought my favorite chips?”
Eddie looked at Buck. He wondered if he was imagining the fondness in Buck’s eyes. Even if he was, he would let himself have this fantasy for a moment.
“Yeah. The jalapeno ones.” Eddie knew his cheeks were starting to turn pink. “And some other things.”
“Three bags of things?” Buck laughed.
Eddie might have gone a little overboard when he stopped at the store to buy Buck some snacks. He went in with the mission of buying Buck’s favorite chips, beer and ice cream. There was nothing else he needed. As he went down aisles, he put things that he knew Buck liked in the cart without thinking.
It did look excessive as Buck started to unpack the bags. “You didn’t have to do this.”
Eddie shrugged. “It made me think of you.”
Buck pulled out a bag of circular gummy candies. “Peach rings make you think of me?”
“It’s your gas station snack.”
“My what?”
“Your gas station snack.”
“Repeating it didn’t help.”
“When we stop at gas stations - it’s the snack you buy.” Eddie said. “You get peach rings and a coke zero.”
Buck stared at Eddie. The peach rings were still in his hand. They were frozen in front of him. “You get trail mix and a sprite.”
Eddie swore his heart stopped for a second. He had every detail about Buck tucked away, but he never assumed Buck had done the same.
“Why?” Buck gestured at all the snacks and drinks scattered across his counter.
Eddie brought his hand up to his face. He rubbed his jaw before bringing it to his forehead. “I didn’t know what you’d want after the episode.”
Buck looked at Eddie as if he had just handed him every star in the sky. He wanted Buck to look at him like that every day.
“I guess we’ll find out later.”
Before Eddie could respond, there was a knock at the door. He opened the door to Hen and Chim.
Eddie couldn’t remember the last time that they were together, just the four of them in the loft.
“Are there more people coming?” Hen gestured at the unnecessary amount of snacks littering Buck’s counter. Chimney grabbed one of the bags of chips and walked over the couch.
Eddie’s checks reddened. “No.”
“And did you get everyone’s favorite things or just Buck’s?”
“I told him.” Eddie ignored the question. “About the ladder truck.”
Hen smiled. “I knew you would.”
”Come on, we have a show to watch!” Chimney called over from the couch.
Eddie grabbed some of the snacks and sat down in his normal spot on the couch.
“I’ll sit on the ground.” Buck slipped back into their past routine and habits. “That couch is not built for three adults.”
“Because it’s a shitty couch.”
Buck flipped Eddie off while sitting down. Eddie handed him a pillow to sit on.
Like normal. Like they had done countless times before. But this time, Buck leaned against Eddie’s legs. Eddie started to reach out his hand towards Buck, but redirected to grip his own thigh.
“I can’t believe you’re watching this again.”
”The LSD episode is fun. It’s one of Karen’s favorites.”
”It’s more fun than living it.”
”Wait, they used the dosed brownies for an episode?” Eddie asked.
Buck turned to look at Eddie. “Taylor was there. Of course, it’d be an episode.”
Eddie groaned, throwing his head against the couch. Great - an episode guest starring the fake version of Taylor.
The episode played, and Eddie wished he was high too.
Eddie wondered how they found an actress that looked so much like Taylor. He hated every second that she was on the television.
“Eddie,” Hen said.
”Yeah?”
“Karen and I were debating. Do you think Freddie is jealous here?”
Eddie looked over at Hen. He didn’t know if it was the question that threw him off center or the knowing look Hen gave him. Sometimes he thought she had a better understanding of what was happening than he did.
His instinct was to say no, but then he looked at the screen again.
Freddie walked towards Brock and Tiffany. He could only describe the look on Freddie’s face as less-than-friendly towards Tiffany.
”Jealous of what?” Eddie asked. “He’s probably just annoyed by Tiffany.”
“Annoyed that Brock is looking at her,” Chim said.
“Or he just thinks she’s a terrible person,” Eddie counters.
Buck bumps his shoulder in Eddie’s leg before looking at him. “We get it - you don’t like Taylor.”
“But, I thought they weren’t us?”
Buck frowned. “They are but they aren’t. You know.”
“Yeah, sure.” Eddie looked from Buck to Hen. “He’s not jealous.”
Chimney snorted. “Yeah, sure.”
Eddie feels on edge by Hen’s question and Chimney’s response.
And he might have lied. Only a little.
But if he admitted that Freddie was jealous, he felt like it somehow meant that he had been jealous.
And he wasn’t jealous. He just didn’t like Taylor. That was a known fact, but there was no way he made it as obvious as Freddie did. Someone would have said something if he tried to chase off Taylor like this.
The episode continued just as Eddie predicted. The brownies were delivered. They ate the brownies. They went to a call tripping on acid.
Eddie didn’t predict to see Cap suicidal.
Eddie nudged Buck with his knee. “Is this real?”
Buck shifted uncomfortably. “I think so, but I’m not sure.”
Eddie bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying everything he wanted to say about Taylor and her lack of compassion or morals. He knew Buck already knew this. Or at least how Eddie felt about her.
The episode ended as expected, and then they made it to the finale.
The episode opened with a newscast about the bombings. Eddie felt Buck tense against his leg.
Then, he sat down next to Buck on the floor without time to even process his action. For a brief moment, he wondered what Hen and Chim were thinking. He couldn’t see them but he assumed already a glance which said everything they couldn’t out loud.
Eddie cared more about Buck than their opinions, at the moment.
Well.
Maybe always. That was something he could investigate later.
Eddie sat close enough that his thigh was pressed against Buck’s thigh.
Then, the ladder truck exploded. Eddie found beauty in the destruction. It was hard not to when it looked like this - it was cinematic. It was breathtaking.
It was also one of the top ten worst moments in Eddie’s life. And there were a lot of moments that could have wound up on the list.
Eddie didn’t know who moved first, but his body relaxed as he intertwined his fingers with Buck’s. He wondered again what his friends were thinking. Maybe, they wouldn’t even notice. Or they’d think it was normal.
It was normal, he told himself. It was normal to feel grounded and like you can finally breathe when you hold your best friend’s hand.
It was perfectly normal.
“Did it really look like that?” Buck whispered, leaning his head slightly towards Eddie.
“It was smaller.”
Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand as the camera revealed Brock pinned under the ladder.
It was eerie how this scene was closer to re-enactment than adaptation. He assumed it was because of all of the footage between the news and random people with cellphones. It wouldn’t be hard to recreate the scene.
There were small differences.
Freddie tried to step into the street while the bomber still stood in the street. He was held back by Gwen.
Eddie thought about how that didn’t happen. He didn’t try to run into the street, no matter how badly he wanted to. No one else had to hold him back - he held himself back.
“Did you really pull me out?” Buck whispered.
”From under the truck?”
“Yeah.”
”Yeah.”
”Oh.”
Eddie decided he’d save his questions for after the episode. Or more importantly, once Hen and Chim left.
Even though the bombing was over, Eddie and Buck sat together on the floor until the episode ended.
“Does the next season start with the tsunami?” Eddie asks.
”No, production thought it was too soon.” Hen answered.
Eddie sighed. Thank god, at least one less tragic event.
The silence that lingered after the question signaled that the night was over without anyone needing to say it.
Before getting up to leave Chim leaned towards Eddie. “You’re going to make sure he’s okay, right?”
Eddie nodded. It seemed odd Chimney even needed to ask.
The door barely closed when Buck asked, “Want to smoke?”
Buck’s balcony didn’t have the same peace that Eddie felt in his backyard.
They both knew the conversation they would end up having if they spoke, so they sat in silence as they passed the joint back and forth.
Buck handed the joint to Eddie a last time. “I shouldn’t. I have to drive.”
“Or you could stay.”
“What?”
“You could stay.” Buck said. “If you wanted.”
Eddie didn’t hesitate. He took the joint from Buck’s hands and brought it to his lips before inhaling deeply.
Buck looked down at the ground while he rubbed the back of his neck. Eddie swore he saw Buck blushed before he looked at the ground.
After they smoked, they fell into the nighttime routine that they perfected during quarantine. It was as if he had been the week before instead of almost four years ago.
Eddie left the bathroom and laid down on his side of the bed. He reminded himself that it wasn’t actually his side of the bed- it was his only because there was no other option.
Buck turned off the bathroom lights before getting in bed.
“Hey,”
Eddie turned his head to see Buck lying on his side facing him. “Why are you whispering?”
“Why are you whispering?”
Eddie didn’t even realize he whispered back. They spent months whispering to each other at night during quarantine. They’d stifle their laughs as they’d whisper back and forth. On a few rare occasions they talked until the sun rose.
“I don’t know.”
Eddie moved his body closer to Buck. He only did it so he could hear Buck better when he whispered.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Are you?”
”I wasn’t the one pinned under a ladder truck.”
Buck sighed. He rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling.
There were a million things Eddie wanted to say, but they felt wrong in his mouth. Every time he went to speak, it felt wrong.
Eddie shifted his body and draped his arm across Buck’s chest. They had woken up like this plenty of times during quarantine, but had never gone to sleep like this. On some of the roughest days, Eddie thought about wrapping his arms around Buck, but he never did.
Buck didn’t move.
Eddie panicked. His body tensed. It had been a mistake - he should have kept his hands to himself. Eddie started to take his arm off of Buck when he felt Buck’s hand against his upper arm.
Buck gently drew circles against Eddie’s arm with his thumb.
“Why did you ask if I pulled you out?”
Buck squeezed Eddie’s arm. ”I was just making sure.”
Eddie knew Buck wasn’t telling him the complete truth. And that was fine. He knew he’d tell him whenever he was ready.
”I was so scared that night.” The words spilled from Eddie’s mouth before he could stop them.
“What? Why?”
Eddie lifted his body off of Buck’s chest to look at Buck. “What do you mean why? Buck, you could have died.”
Eddie forgot there had been a time before he imagined a world without Buck. There was a time where he didn’t have nightmares about not being able to reach Buck under the truck no matter how hard he tried. Or where Buck is shot. Or where his heart doesn’t start again.
“I was scared that kid was going to kill you. I was scared we wouldn’t get to you in time. I was scared I’d lose you.” Eddie put his head back down on Buck’s chest. “I’m still scared I’ll lose you.”
Eddie held onto Buck tighter to push away the thoughts of a world without Buck. He didn’t know how he’d survive.
“I’ll always find you.” Buck leaned towards Eddie. He could almost feel Buck’s lips against his forehead; they were so close. “You can’t get rid of me.”
“Good.”
It doesn’t take long for Eddie to fall asleep after that. Eddie has the best sleep he’s had in months. Maybe even years.