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Growing up, there are some things we tend to take for granted. The presence of our parents, a table set with a full meal, the coming and going of the seasons... But, as Wan learned the hard way, nothing is set in stone.
When Pleng’s parents died, Wan’s heart ached for her friend as if it were her own parents. She knew she had to be there for Pleng more than ever. But before she could do anything, her parents had made Pleng uncomfortable to the point of running away in the middle of the night. A creak of the front door had been the last she had heard from Pleng, as Wan looked at the clock (4a.m.) without much thought and went back to sleep. Waking up to that letter broke something within her that Wan wasn’t sure could ever be repaired.
Wan looked for her for months. Bangkok was an infuriatingly big city, if Pleng was even still in the city. The first few days, Wan spent every minute possible looking for Pleng, for clues of where she could be. At first, people at school noticed Pleng’s absence and gossiped about it, but the news quickly died down and no one cared anymore. Wan didn’t want anyone to know what had really happened at her father’s place and that she was technically missing, but after weeks of despair, she did ask some folks who knew Pleng if they had seen her. Frank helped, for a few weeks. But it seemed like a lost cause to everyone else but her. Wan’s parents didn’t bother looking, which infuriated her to no end. But she didn’t give up.
Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months and still no sign of Pleng. The weight in Wan’s chest was permanent, a physical reminder of what she was missing. The days felt so empty without her. No sign of Pleng or her aunt. If she was even with her aunt... Wan had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that Pleng might be on her own, facing the world.
When Wan got her grades and saw one the marks was much lower than usual, she panicked. If she just kept studying hard, if she just became a doctor like she had promised, maybe Pleng would come back to her...
Wan knew she had to throw in the towel on the search for Pleng if she wanted to keep her promise. She had faith that Pleng would return to her. So, she doubled her studying efforts. It got her into a good University with a full scholarship. They offered rooming, so she left her father’s house, unable to forgive him for driving Pleng away with his attitude. After that, Wan didn’t talk to her parents all that often, and usually just to her mom.
Money was tight, so she got a part-time now and then. But her studies were so demanding, she had to quit near the end of each semester. Classes were hard, and some days she got to her dorm and had no energy left for anything so she just slept. But no matter how early or how late she went to bed, she always woke up at the same hour. Ek would take her out sometimes, though. He would say she shouldn’t forget to enjoy herself.
The sweeter Ek’s eyes were on her, the more she missed Pleng. It felt like, no matter how long it had been, she could never love anyone around her as much as she still loved Pleng. But Ek was good to her, and he stuck around.
On her second year at the University, two of the girls in her classes were dating. It shook Wan to her core, to the point that after seeing them kiss for the first time, she felt sick to her stomach and had to walk out of the room.
It’s not that it sickened her to see those two together in that way, it’s that she didn’t think that was a real option until she saw it with her own eyes. It was something that she heard people mention in passing, a “fab from the West,” but never something that anyone around her would be rooting for or taking seriously.
At first, it revolted her how long it had taken her to realise it. Realising what she really felt for Pleng. What she had felt for her for way longer than she’d like to admit… And it seemed all too late now that she hadn’t seen Pleng in over three years. But Wan had to believe that Pleng would come back, or else she wouldn’t be able to bear it all. She did her best to cling to that idea, but the years passing by weren’t kind on her hopeful heart.
Wan finished her studies, with great effort. Her mother asked her when she would get married to Ek, told her that Wan had kept him waiting for long enough. That was a conversation that she avoided for as long as she could. Wan had moved into the apartment near her work, by then. She had been looking at bicycle models, to pick the right one, but it was hard to do any shopping with how crazy work could get.
Some of the things she had to bear at the hospital really drained her. Some days, once she got home, all she wanted to do was cry. But in time, she could feel her heart harden. Eventually, she had no energy left to argue with her mom and to keep refusing Ek’s pleading eyes. It had been a decade since Pleng had left her. Maybe she should live her life, if she was going to keep waiting. Wan wasn’t even sure if Pleng would want her in the same way… All she knew is that she needed her favourite person back, no matter how long it took.
Wan told Ek she enjoyed having her own space. If they were going to get married, she would like to stay in the apartment during her busy weekdays. They could see each other during the weekends and for the odd weekday dinner. His job was in a different part of the city, anyway. He didn’t love the idea, but he loved Wan and would do anything to stay with her, so he accepted. One small ceremony later, she was married and had quite a good sum saved in her bank account.
Wan didn’t really know what to do with all those savings except to keep saving, so she thought of how, in a perfect world, she would be giving a comfortable life to Pleng. She bought the bicycle first and took pleasure in imagining Pleng looking proud of her for becoming Dr. Meg Ryan, just like Wan had said she would. Then, the guitar. Some evenings, as she got home, that big apartment felt so empty… Wan remembered watching Pleng playing the big piano in the big room, back in their youth. So, she bought a piano. Maybe one day, if the stars ever aligned, if hard work really brought good karma, Pleng would sit there and play…
The more days that she got home exhausted from work, to that empty house full of things for a person who had left her so long ago, the angrier she felt at Pleng for leaving… She couldn’t help it. She felt abandoned by the most important person in the world. On a bad day, Wan resented Pleng almost as much as she loved her.
But she still worried about how Pleng might be doing out there, wondered if she was alright. Wan thought of her first thing as she woke up everyday at 4a.m., as she ate her breakfast while staring at the unplayed piano sometimes, as she rode her bike to work…
Maybe one day, Pleng would come back.
Maybe one day… Maybe…
Maybe one day.