Work Text:
Life is like a candle.
Birth; the lighting of the wick. A bright flicker bursting into the world, full of excitement and flourishing.
Living; shining brightly. Surrounding the earth with your unique scent, filling the aroma.
Death; as the final breath of the candle shimmers, as it cools from its burning, as it dims into darkness.
You start to wonder.
Is my life like a candle? After all, you can always blow the candle out yourself, can’t you?
+++
A week prior
“Suguruuu!” The poking of his face regained Suguru’s consciousness from his thoughts. Right. He and Satoru went to their favorite restaurant, one of the ones where he can stomach the food. One of the ones where he could somewhat relax, but not let his guard down, for after all a cursed spirit could be lurking anywhere at any moment, and he’d rather not fight anything right now. He was too tired, too exhausted.
Satoru’s right hand still pestering at his cheek briefly stopped as he began to speak, “Suguru, you know your birthdays in a week, right?!”
Oh. He’d almost forgotten about his birthday, simply because he had other things occupying his mind.
Riko Aman-
“What do you want to do!” Satoru bit into his burger, one of his burgers. He couldn’t fathom how Satoru could eat so much and still be fine, but maybe that’s because he doesn’t eat curses. He swallowed his burger, wiping his mouth with the end of his uniform sleeve and readdressed the conversation, “Hm? I don’t think there’s any new movies, but we could always watch reruns, or we could play video games, or we could…”
“I’ll have to think about it,” Suguru tilted his head downward, staring at his half-eaten food. His breath quickening, he turned towards Satoru, “But anything would be fine.”
Satoru slowly placed down his food and furrowed his face, puckering his lips and slipping his dark-shaded glasses upwards on the bridge of his nose, putting on a serious demure, “Seriously, it's your birthday!” He turned away from Suguru to some degree and muttered, “And you ever don’t look happy, so I thought I’d do, we’d do something…”
Suguru knew that Satoru knew he heard him. It was true, recently he hadn't been himself. But who could blame him? He witnessed Riko’s death, and Satoru started going on missions on his own because he’s “The Strongest”, and apparently couldn't do missions with him anymore. He’d start decaying mentally, losing sleep and gaining dark eyebags, drastically losing weight and smoking more with Shoko. It was not his fault he’s surrounded by this awful world. It was not his fault he was depressed by others' actions. So it didn’t come to surprise when Satoru wanted to do something with him, of course he did, he was his dearest friend, and extremely clingy.
“Yeah, we could do something,” he replied, applying a raised mouth, forming a small grin, but quickly re-adjusting his expression to stillness.
That was the rest of the conversation at their table. Noise surrounding the two, conversations amongst other customers and a Japanese pop-rock song on the radio above rang through Suguru’s ears. Satoru glanced his scintillating blue eyes at him every once and a while, checking up on him, but Suguru didn’t budge. He frowned, and pulled out his flip phone, texting someone. Suguru exiled from the air from his tensed up lungs and began to sit up, picking his leftover uneaten food and heading towards the garbage near the door to leave. This had been an awkward meet up.
“Wait!!” Satoru called out towards him. He sighed, turning around, and almost losing his balance due to his surprise quickness.
He stood merely a foot apart, his face tilted adjacently, “Promise, we’ll do something Suguru?” His eyes peered through the tops of his glasses, and Suguru could not resist his pleading.
“Alright.” And that was settled.
He’d just have to make it to next week.
5 days prior
Waking up is something no one ever wants to do. It’s different when it’s a necessity, and you're depressed.
Suguru’s alarm buzzed off loud and clearly, alerting him that he had school today. Another boring school day. Waking up bright and early on a Monday is never ideal.
He slumped over to hit snooze on his alarm, reaching his hand out and grazing the button, pausing the sound. Relieved, he sat up, his long dark hair sprawled across him and his bangs all messed up into his vision. When did he even fall asleep last night? It must’ve been pretty late, he felt extra drowsy. And Satoru wouldn’t stop calling him as well. He slid his fingers through his hair, combing it thoroughly out of his vision. He then began to get himself ready, brushing his teeth, putting on the navy Jujutsu uniform, pulling his hair in a tight bun and other morning routines. Then came the worst part.
Breakfast.
What did he even have? His dorm has been pretty empty recently, and Satoru always brought his own food when he visited. He marked everything he’d have, and it wasn’t much for breakfast; a couple eggs, cereal that was almost gone, a few slices of bread, some pre-packaged foods and other remnants.
Whatever, he wasn’t that hungry anyways. He could go a few hours without food. And if by all means he for some reason got hungry, I bet Satoru would spare a bite for him.
He slid his shoes onto his feet, adjusting them as he stumbled out the door, scurrying towards school.
+++
His classes were the same as always. Uneventful. Yes, he did have a test in one (who has a test on a Monday?), but other than that it wasn’t too different. But one thing was different. Satoru wasn’t there at school. And with his family, he never misses school.
He thought he’d bring it up to his friends after school. They were settled in the courtyard next to the school, wearing there winter gear and shivering as they spoke amongst themselves.
“Where was Satoru today?” Suguru mentioned. The winter did not help, with the pale skin complexion complimenting his appearance as it is, he looked even more dead.
Shoko replied, cold air flowing from her pink, glossy lips, “Now that you mentioned it, yeah he’s not here.” She kind of shrugged it off, and Nanami had just nodded his head in agreement.
“But… he never misses school. Like, ever.”
“Woah, miss him so much?” Shoko teased and laughed a bit and Suguru scoffed and turned away from her. Satoru being gone is not a good sign.
What happens if Suguru needed his help? What if he needed Suguru’s help? What if another accident like him and Toji had happened? What if there was a strong special grade curse that he cou-
No. He saw him two days ago, he should be fine. He calls him frequently. He never leaves his side.
He began to tug on his bangs on his face, some black strands falling out and landing gracefully on the crisp, ivory snow below.
“You know, Suguru,” Nanami began, sounding a bit tense, “There would always be a reason for something like this. If he disappeared without telling you, it was probably an immediate mission that needed attention, or something to do with his family. You know what they’re like. That’s why. I wouldn’t be too worried about him.”
Suguru wanted to testify against Nanami, but he didn’t have the energy either. He flicked open his flip-phone and began typing to him, his fingers slipping up from his winter gloves.
4:13 pm:
Suguru: Hey, where have you been? How come you weren’t at school?
Delivered
C’mon. Agitated, he closed his phone without further checking if he replied back and slid it back into his jacket pockets.
“Satoru didn’t respond? Weird,” Shoko noticed, biting her lip inwards. Suguru’s pulse intensified and could feel his blood through his freezing cold skin. Shoko had noticed him stressing, and gently placed her hands upwards towards his upper back, “Don’t worry.”
But all he could do was worry. He was not in a great state to be worrying. But he had to mask it, for the pleasure, “Alright.” He smiled, but Shoko could see right through his fake smile. He waved goodbye to them and began heading home, plugging in his earbuds into the phone jack and began blasting the music, mostly Japanese rock and some western rock. On the bus, he just hoped Satoru would’ve responded.
When he arrived back at his dorm, looking empty as always, he almost immediately crashed onto his bed, making the springs inside squeak as his weight dropped onto it. He checked his phone once more, re-messaging his white haired friend.
6:20 pm
Suguru: Hello? Where have you been??
6:32 pm
Suguru: Satoru?
Where could he have been? He wishes he’d know, instead of staring at a bright, vacant screen reflecting back into his purple void like eyes.
He didn’t eat later that night. Stress. He stayed swept up in his bedsheets, his hair now untied and sprawled across his pillow. How could he do this? Be so attached to someone the second they don’t respond he’s stuck there waiting, like a lone cat on a highway. His stomach grumbled, begging, but he didn’t bother. He didn’t even feel hungry, it was just his body. His mind was elsewhere, anything but hungry. And getting food was a lot too; getting the supplies on which he was low on, making it, and consuming it.
A notification appeared, and he practically leaped with joy, only too see it was simply Shoko checking up on his miserable-bum.
7:02 pm
Shoko: Hey! Anything yet?
Suguru’s fingers danced across his phone, rapidly messaging.
7:03 pm
Suguru: Nothing. Nothing at all.
7:03 pm
Shoko: I’m really sorry.
7:04 pm
Suguru: You shouldn’t be. Don’t be. It’s not you.
He paused a couple minutes before adding a bit more.
7:07 pm
Suguru: Let me know if anything happens.
7:08 pm
Shoko: Of course Suguru.
7:08 pm
Suguru: Thank you so much Shoko, I really appreciate it.
He placed it down, but not letting go.
Who else would know his whereabouts? Shoko and Nanami don’t, Haibara probably wouldn’t and Utahime? He shouldn’t even think of considering her. Mei-Mei? Principal Yaga?? His family, perhaps? He didn’t have any of their numbers, and they’d be extremely confused if someone named Suguru Geto just so happened to approach and text them asking where Satoru Gojo was.
What could he do now? It was simply too early to go to sleep, he was caught up in all his studies, and he was pretty sure everyone else had plans, otherwise they’d say ‘oh hey suguru, you look unhappy, let’s do something,’ or whatever along those lines.
He once more tugged at his hair stressfully, running his pointer finger along his hairline, tugging on a single hair strand, wrapping it around it and pulling. He did this a couple times—it didn’t hurt at all, just a minuscule pinch— until he felt too tired. He then stared at him hands, letting go of the phone in hopelessness. His hands were long and slightly thin, rough around some corners due to his fighting on missions. Small cuts warped them as well from various occurrences. He then looked at the rest of himself. He ached, his stomach swelling and pounding from the inside like something had stabbed it.
He’d just have to wait.
3 days prior
He’d gotten one text from Satoru since his sudden departure.
Yesterday, when Suguru was just about to sleep, a notification went off. Suguru hadn’t been feeling well lately, losing a bit of sleep and feeling nauseous and at ease. Was Jujutsu finally getting to him? But once he had gotten that notification, it felt like a bell rang from inside him, and he practically sprung up from his bed.
Satoru, in a lengthy paragraph, explained his situation.
11:18 pm
Satoru⭐️: Heyyy Suguru! I’m sorry that I had to leave immediately without further notice. Me and my family had run into a few instances that I couldn’t miss and had to assist of course…
Of course, it always has to do with his family. He read further on, explaining the mission and how he was somewhere in Yokohama.
…Don’t worry though! I should be back before your b-day! (Don’t think the strongest would forget! ☆⌒(≧▽° )).
See you then! Byee!!
Suguru couldn’t help but curl his cheeks upwards to form a smile. He was glad. Relieved, even. That’s all he could think of when he fell asleep.
He wasn’t dead.
In the morning, he’d gotten physical mail. It was right before he’d head off to school, still slacking with his hair down un-brushed and in his pajamas.
It was his family. They’d sent him a letter with the typical birthday card. Happy birthday! We love you and miss you, here’s some money, blah blah…
He didn’t read it much though, and had just placed it on his desktop along with more other objects scattered atop of it. He was running late anyways, so he didn’t bother to read it. Maybe later.
+++
Today, Yaga had sent him on a mission. It was a small one, in fact, he didn’t know why he’d bother to send Suguru. The curse was barely a 3rd grade curse, so Suguru won pretty easily. He was tired nonetheless, meaning that now Yaga thought just because he was depressed he could water down tasks for him. It’s kind of pathetic. Why could no one see his full potential? But the worst part came.
He swallowed the curse, with only a slight hint of hesitation. It felt like vomit and crap like it always did, but he went through it anyways. It was his duty, he could not fail. He had to prove his worth. He could not disappoint.
He had to do it.
Shortly afterwards, he headed back to Jujutsu high, and was greeted by Shoko. She must’ve gone somewhere with Utahime or Mei Mei, since she looked exhausted, as well as had shopping bags in her icy hands.
“You look a bit messy. Come inside?” Shoko suggested, motioning her arm inside. Suguru observed himself, and he did look a little unkempt, with his hair and bangs tousled and his uniform dirty. His hands were frozen as well. With a nod, the two of them slid inside, comforted by the instant heat that waved to them once they walked inside. They slammed the door shut, and leaned on the wall nearby.
“Shopping?” Suguru spoke first.
“Yeah, haha,” Shoko avowed, “we’d been done with our mission for a while, so we’d killed time by stopping at stores close by, nothing too special though. And a few cigarettes, of course,” she grabbed a box out of her pockets and shook it in front of Suguru.
“Of course,” Suguru whispered, and remembered what happened last night, “Satoru texted me recently. Family occasion or something stupid like that.”
Shoko made eye contact with him, “Ah, should’ve known. See? He wasn’t dead,” she nudged his arms. He rubbed it off, but began fiddling with his hands and Shoko noticed, “You seem at ease. He’s fine? He literally let you know, I don’t know why you're still so worried.”
“And you're not?” Suguru’s voice rose a bit, “you’re his friend as well!”
“Did I hit a nerve, Suguru? Yes, I’m his friend. I know you're going through some stuff, but calm down.”
His hands tightened, clutching his hands tightly into fist that could almost make them bleed. His instinct was to always protect Satoru. He cared for him very fondly, as well as his other friends. So he just scoffed and wandered off, muttering a soft goodbye. From a distance, he could hear Shoko behind him, sighing and beginning to light a cigarette. He slowed down his pace, frowning and stopping himself from turning around to face her.
Why was he like this? No one cared about him this deeply, so why’d he do it for others in return for free?
He kept wandering through the school halls endlessly, trying to get his mind off things. He stopped briefly, catching his racing breath. His lungs were burning as he tried slowing down, and his throat throbbed. He wasn’t mad at Shoko, he could never be truly mad at her. But of course she wouldn’t have known, witnessing what he’d encountered earlier, with Riko dying in front of him and all, made him a bit more cautious.
He recollected himself, grabbing his uniform around his chest. He decided that he’d just head back to his dorm. Before he headed back, he got another notification, so he’d insisted on checking it.
One Photo Attachment—
He clicked open the photo attachment, and it was Satoru. He was awfully smiley, and looked like he was in a local market somewhere in Yokohama. The streets surrounding his bright white hair, some people staring up at him in the back. His hair looked soft, even through a photo, with the bangs covering his forehead and across the top of his round glasses. He wore an expressive outfit, one Suguru couldn’t figure out at the moment but had realized the symbol. He parked himself near a couple stores with a few bags in his hand, and his other hand taking the photo. The last feature was the snow scattering around the air and resting on him. There was a message underneath.
Almost back! And I went shopping, couldn’t resist!
ꉂ (´∀｀)ʱªʱªʱª . See you soon!
Suguru nodded gleefully before the phone screen turned dark and revealed his face. His eyes looked terrible, and generally he looked rough. He became sorrowful again, adjusting to reality and began his walk.
The day of/February 3rd
It finally arrived. His birthday.
It felt weird, not weird like he’d drastically changed, but it always felt off when it was his birthday. He woke up to spamming of his phone from a couple people, which felt a bit surprising.
12:16am
Satoru⭐️: HEYYYY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUGURUUUU!!
3:13am
Nanami: Happy Birthday Suguru.
7:46am
Shoko: Hey, Happy B-Day!
Many more sparked up. He was pleased to know that a few fellows cared about him at least to reach out and notice it was his birthday. Nah, Satoru probably forced everyone to message him so they would feel bad for him. Or, they did care, either situation works.
Birthday’s usually meant something new, something happy, that you should be delightful, but Suguru really couldn’t fathom how to express ecstatic feelings. He could really only feel grudges. He was getting older, his friends, peers, teachers and family were getting older alongside him. Some people never get to be his age. Some people don’t have his life, not like they’d want to be him anyhow, but he felt as if he took everything not for granted. He didn’t truly appreciate aging and living. He didn’t know what he’d feel like to live; like he was supposed to know what it was like to be dead.
He struggled a bit to get up, feeling guilt build up in his esophagus. Keep moving. He motivated himself to get up and get into his uniform and get his hair ready. Today, he added a bit of guyliner to his monolids. He remembered the day Shoko had suggesting getting him that.
+++
“Eyeliner? Really?”
“Yeah,” she’d taken the eyeliner off the shelf and shoved it into his palms and snickered, “you’d look great in it. Would fit you, emo.”
His face was dumbfounded, he felt almost embarrassed, “Wha… I’m not emo! I’m not even close to what an emo would be?!” He was surrounded by her laughter as he was submitted to buying it.
+++
Now, he was close to his mirror, staring back at himself as he opened his eyes and drew the eyeliner on, carefully caressing it to look as clean as possible.
As soon as he finished, he grabbed his belongings and left his bedroom, but stopped briefly. I should treat myself today, he thought.
Just before school began, he quickly made his way towards a local café. There, he bought a small black coffee, a small but pleasant morning drink.
“That’ll be 200 yen, sir,” the person at the register addressed. Suguru nodded, digging up his wallet and handing them 205 yen. Before they could mutter anything, Suguru mentioned to keep the extra five. They thanked him as they prepared his drink and he waited. He’d been to this coffee shop before, and they usually do a wonderful job, so he hoped they wouldn’t mess it up to ruin his morning as it already is.
Once he obtained the drink, he took a sip and immediately dropped his shoulders and released his tension. It was, as he predicted, well worth it.
After the short stop, he swiftly headed over to school, where he saw a few of his friends along the huge steps.
“Hey Suguru!” Shoko shivered, “About time you arrived!”
“Sorry about that Shoko,” he sipped from his coffee, “I wanted to make a quick trip.” He paused briefly, looking around. Something felt off, chilling even. And it wasn’t the weather.
“What? What’s going on, Suguru?” Shoko stood up from a step, confused.
“Oh uh, nothing. Thanks for the messages this morning.”
“Your welcome,” Shoko shuffled through her pocket and dug out a card. It was a bit wrinkled, and said something stupid, but Suguru appreciated it anyway.
+++
He arrived at his dorm late, but it was dark, darker than usual, with a small dim light. Sulking, he glanced around. Something was off, he could hear a faint breath that wasn’t his and a small patting on the floor. He began to panic, his eyes not knowing what to look at.
What the…
He raised his hands, ready to summon a curse before bodies jumped up and yelled.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!”
It was his few close friends who gathered inside his dorm, and they all set up a surprise birthday party. And Satoru was there.
Suguru was simply speechless, “…Woah, wow I,” he glanced around. Everyone wore casual clothes, but still dressed nicely. His arms were suddenly embraced by Satoru, taking off his Infinity and racing over to him and giving him a hug, losing his balance.
“Satoru! Ah, nice to see you again,” Suguru spoke as Satoru released his grasp and stepped back.
Satoru was everything but frowny, his smile was dazzling, and he wore his glasses rested on top of his head. He wore yet again an expensive sweatshirt. He looked completely opposite of Suguru, who looked gray.
“Nice to see you guys too,” he glanced over and saw Shoko, Nanami, Haibara, Utahime and Mei-Mei. They were all surrounded with bags and presents. He and Satoru walked over.
He observed his dorm a bit more. Small decorations were placed around, and a banger with Happy Birthday written in Japanese hung across the top.
“Really guys, this is… a lot,” Suguru opined, hand gestures referring to his dorm.
“It was Satoru’s idea,” Shoko revealed, pointing to him.
“Guilty,” he responded, “But it was a good idea!” Haibara insisted on his antics and nodded in agreement before Nanami jolted him to stop.
Suguru could only stand there and just attempt to enjoy the moment. His friends, all surrounding in a crowded dorm, presents and all, just for him.
“We should do presents first,” Utahime suggested, and grabbed a patterned one, “Here, it’s mine.”
“Hey! I thought we planned I was going first!” Satoru yelled.
“Tch, it doesn’t matter, it’s not your birthday!” Utahime handed it over quite aggressively, and started bickering with Satoru.
Utahime’s present was simple, but still treasured.
The others handed over their gifts until it was Satoru’s turn, handing Suguru multiple bags of things.
“You know I went shopping, and bought you some stuff,” Satoru told Suguru as Suguru grabbed a hold of all the bags. They were filled, fully filled. Each bag was something new, ranging from clothes to accessories and some music and cds.
“Really, this is nice Satoru, but…” Suguru began, but was interrupted.
“No taking it back!” He verbalized. Suguru sighed, glancing back at his stuff.
“Let’s eat some cake!” Haibara mentioned, and everyone else was in.
Cake? He was not a cake person, and eating in front of this many people? Not very ideal.
The cake was brought out. It was a store bought one, but it was big enough for everyone, and had bright, fluorescent candles on top.
Suguru backed up, placing his stuff down and headed backwards, his back against the bathroom door as he reached for the doorknob, “You guys get started, I’ll be right back,” and flung himself inside the bathroom. It was all too overstimulating, all the noise and food. His regular high paced breath began as he held it against himself. The chatter began to rise even higher, and his body shook uncontrollably, until a subtle knock was heard from the other side of the door.
“What? Who is it?” He managed to putter.
“It’s Satoru. Are you okay?” Satoru spoke as Suguru opened the door just ajar to let him in, and closed the door. They both sat on the floor, feet away from each other, “Are you sure you are good?” He parted a piece of Suguru’s hair away from his face gracefully with his hand.
“Yeah...” Suguru wasn’t sure what even made him shut down.
“I didn’t mean this to be overwhelming. Well, first of all I didn’t mean to leave without letting you know. It was against my choice, you know that. Secondly, I’ve just thought of this as a nice surprise because I have noticed you’ve been a bit down, so I thought this would cheer you up, but I guess not,” Satoru explained in a hush voice as he rubbed his temples.
“You haven’t taken a break from your Six Eyes, have you?” Suguru scolded. Satoru responded by hanging his head low and nodding. It was silent, the only noise was a small light flickering chirp and the sound outside the door of everyone having cake and enjoying themselves. None of them mentioned anything for a minute, just an occasional glance.
Satoru was about to talk, but stopped.
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry,” that message made Suguru’s heart flutter, not in a romantic way, but in a rather sincere, apologetic manner. He didn’t know what to say or do. Why was he apologizing?
All he could force his body to do was to lean over and gently rest his head on Satoru’s shoulder. His clothes were soft against his cheek and his earlobes.
“It’s alright,” Suguru whispered. With that affirmation, Satoru relaxed, and crept closer to Suguru, the two of their bodies snuggled close.
“So… do you… not want the cake?” Satoru joked. Suguru lifted his head and punched his arm jokingly.
“Okay, go have a piece, I know you love sweets,” the two of them laughed as they sat up synchronously and opened the door. Everyone was enjoying a slice of cake around each other’s company Utahime noticed the two boys exiting.
“What were you two up to?” Utahime asked, implying another act.
Satoru snapped back, “Having a deep conversation. And a talk of my love of sweets,” he raised his head proudly. All of them laughed and had a great time, spending Suguru’s birthday together. For one small moment, Suguru felt remarkably happy.
He let his candle lighten others.
Years later
The cold, February air stirred around Satoru, chilling his exposed ears and brushing against his white hair. He sat down on a bench, covered in snow. He’d just finished a mission with his students, and had a few minutes to spare. After that dreadful night in December, he hadn’t had much free time.
He opened the pre-packaged cake he’d bought at a nearby bakery store with a single candle in it. The candle barely withdrew any light. He stabbed the cake with a plastic fork and took a bite. It was cold against his mouth, and his lips quivered. He swallowed as he whispered sorrowfully something he’d hadn’t said in quite a while.
“Happy Birthday, Suguru.”
❤︎₊ ⊹