Work Text:
I watch you to catch me on my unawares, I want to be surprised.
Can you give me all of it without asking for a fee, if your love is unconditional can you hold me even when untethered from the local shore, I just want to be without fear of becoming something salvageable, and worst of all, able to do something that could break your trust in me.
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They sing praises of those with upstanding morals, talk about how backbreaking it is to uphold morals at all times—to toe the tightrope with nothing but strength of will and risk losing everything in a lapse of judgement. It does make sense when you think about it briefly; in all pursuits of anything out of reach or extraordinary, the process is undoubtedly not easy. Presumably.
It does make sense. It’s just that I, a person of dubious moral character, cannot make sense of the logic as I fail to see any semblance of it in my life. Never properly motivated or particularly gregarious. My one defining characteristic would perhaps be that I read and write a fair amount, but so does half of the literate people on earth. There’s not much value there, when you’ve been stuck as a blank slate with nothing to their name save for a single talent.
And oh—do I have an inexplicable urge to decorate my life in falsehoods.
Lies break the trust of people one holds close but to me this person has always been myself. Any self sustained belief that I could be inherently good beyond a shade of doubt has never existed well beyond the threshold of early childhood. Stealing paltry items, sowing seeds of lies in my words, making promises I cannot keep. The thrill of it all; it scares me.
Beyond the simple honesty, there is the diligence that comes with long practice of only speaking the truth. Just as how living in the sun would guarantee you tan lines and brown skin, conscientiousness comes with honesty, easy as breathing. One begins living within the bounds of a normal life, bear proudly the badge of societal acceptance.
Lies come to me, easy as breathing.
I can only hope that it becomes better with time.
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Ants march along below the scorching sun in orderly lies, bodies glinting with a seed-like sheen, hard as armor.
Never once do they pause to wonder to whom they are toiling for.
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I tried to build myself a believable, flawless construct; still, some of my neediness bled through. I couldn’t do without you. I hang onto your corpse as Mary shivers over her motionless husband with the lamb leg frozen mid-air. The floor is stained by blood I beat out of you.
Don’t you understand? I love you. I live for you. It is not borne out of a yandere protectiveness; I believe you need me as much as I need you. The only happy ending there is spells certain death.
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I will work hard to match the image in your mind.
I am a reflection of whatever it is that you seek.
I don’t mind being someone that you loathe, impersonal to you.
But I will uphold the image in your mind.
One day I seek to rise above it, but today, I will work hard for the sake of not undershooting expectations.