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It was a Thursday when Ichiji was walking down the University's hallway when he saw Katakuri, his colleague and crush.
Although, the other man didn't know about the latter.
He walked up to him, finally having made up his mind about asking him out. And by ‘made up his mind' he meant that he finally would ask him out, and not only fantasize about it.
When the older man turns to him, he waves his hand and says, “Hello Katakuri. We always meet around here, and I wanted to ask you something.” He takes a deep breath before asking, “Would you like to go to dinner with me? My treat.”
—
Katakuri was standing outside the classroom he would use to teach in a while, when he heard footsteps coming closer. He turns to the person approaching him and he sees it's Ichiji, his friend (can he consider them friends?) and colleague.
He nods in greeting and hears the other man ask a question. A question that he cannot say yes to, no matter how much he craves it, or him.
He sees Ichiji’s face fall, before he nods and walks away, resuming his previously stopped path of getting out of the building.
Katakuri feels his own spirit fall as he enters the class, students filing in after him.
He feels his students’ gazes all throughout the lecture. They probably wanna know what's wrong with him but, he also knows they look up to him so much that they think he's unapproachable. And maybe he is, if Ichiji's face two hours prior has anything to say about it.
Fortunately, this was his last lecture for the day, meaning he can go home and mope about it.
When he gets home, he takes off his foulard, puts it on the counter with his keys, and heads for the couch.
Memories of his childhood flash before his eyes when he closes them, that's why he tries to keep them open, but to no avail because, as soon as his butt hits the cushions of the couch, he falls asleep from the exhaustion of the piled up days.
His brain hates him so much that it gives him nightmares. But these are no ordinary ones, they're not clever things that his subconscious comes up to scare him, they're memories of his traumas. And he can't help but relive them all.
—
Ichiji's really glad he was already heading down the hall towards the exit because, as soon as he heard Katakuri’s deep voice say “No, I'm not hungry.” He took the hint and nodded in understanding, before sprinting (without making it look like he was running away) down the hall and heading towards his car.
As soon as he closes the door to his apartment behind him, he puts his back to it and slides down.
He brings his legs to his chest and grabs his hair with his hands. As he stays there, he thinks, I just ruined the only friendship I've ever had. I can't face him after that.
He thanks whoever's in charge of the universe for the fact that he doesn't have any lectures to give tomorrow and that after that comes the weekend. Meaning he has three whole days to come up with a plan to avoid the other man without making it obvious.
—
Katakuri trembles as he wakes up Friday morning. He's never liked sleeping for this reason. He hates being a grown ass man and still remembering the worst years of his life so vividly that it's like he's reliving them.
He hears his mother's voice echoing in his head, saying things like:
You're ugly.
You need to cover up or no one will ever want to look at you.
How could I have given birth to a monster like you?
You're not to show your face or I won't recognize you as my son.
Hide that hideous mouth.
And so on.
The problem with this is that he has gone to a therapist, and is still seeing them. He thought he was getting better, but it turns out that he's still the scared little boy he was. Scared that people around him wouldn't want to see him for who he is. Building a fortress around his heart so that no one could ever hurt him like his mother did.
He's glad he could get out of that house as soon as he turned 18. He doesn't think he could have survived another year there. Not even his little brothers, sisters, and siblings knew what he really looked like under the mask he used to wear when he was still living with them.
When he got out of there, he started to use scarfs, foulards, and all kinds of things that could be seen as a fashion choice and not as a way to hide his face.
After some time of him trying to not fall apart, he realizes it's late, late enough that he should already be on the road to the University. Meaning he doesn't have time to eat anything before he takes his foulard and car keys and rushes to where he parked it last night.
When he enters the classroom, he sees all the people looking at him, a mixture of confusion and amazement. For all the years he's worked here, he's never been late to a lecture, or meeting, or anything really. He hates being late.
The lecture goes as well as the one he gave yesterday, all to say it's not one of his best (not even close).
All throughout the morning and day, he thinks about Ichiji. Would he change his mind about the date if he ever saw my face? No matter, I blew it.
He continues to think about these things, forgetting he hasn't eaten since the day before at lunchtime, when he had enough time to go home and eat in peace by himself.
When he gets home that evening, he's barely closed his door when he rushes to the fridge and takes what he sees first to throw it in his mouth and devours the whole thing.
When he comes back to his senses, he sees that his fridge is now empty. He puts his mind to going grocery shopping the next day, before going through his nighttime routine and falling asleep.
—
Ichiji doesn't even know how he got the strength to get up from the floor, eat, pee, wash his hands, brush his teeth, change into his pajamas, and fall asleep in his bed.
He wakes up at an ungodly hour, he hates getting up early on his days off. He tries to fall asleep again, but fails and gets up, going into his kitchen and seeing his fridge is empty.
He decides to order takeout for today, meaning he has to go to the supermarket tomorrow. He kind of doesn't want to, but to eat and, y’know, live , he has to. He has to give it to Sanji, it is hard to write down what you need to cook, decide what to eat, going to buy it, and doing it all again.
He's glad his little brother had cooked for them all when they were old enough to get a house with the four of them, Reiju already living with her girlfriend. Ichiji, Nijj, Sanji, and Yonji had lived some years in an apartment together, trying to figure out how to be functional adults and mostly succeeding.
Sanji was the first one to move out, moving in with his ‘just friend' Zoro. Ichiji knew better, he knew his little brother was in love with that man, that's why he wasn't surprised when, a few years later, Sanji came to him saying they had gotten together with ‘the Marimo'. Niji and Yonji had decided to keep living together, enjoying each other’s company.
Getting back to Ichiji, he eats tacos for lunch and hamburger and fries for dinner. He knows it’s not a good diet but he considers it his cheat day.
When he goes to bed that night, he hasn’t yet decided how he’ll avoid running into Katakuri at school. He shrugs mentally, he still has two more days to think about it.
—
Katakuri wakes up and sighs. Fortunately, he didn’t have nightmares that night and is grateful for it. He gets up from his bed and heads to the kitchen, opens the fridge and suddenly remembers the day before.
He hates himself for not going grocery shopping yesterday, but knows that he wasn’t in his right mind and would probably have bought tons of doughnuts, his comfort food. He will buy some, just not as much as he would have if he had gone yesterday.
While he gets ready, he thinks about his conversation with Ichiji. He mentally cringes for saying that ‘he wasn’t hungry’. Who says that? Well, apparently, him.
He sighs as he puts his foulard around his neck and lower face, getting his house keys and heading out. He decides it’s a nice day for a walk, and the supermarket is just a mile away from his apartment.
While he walks there, he continues thinking about the redhead. He really likes him, it’s just that he’s scared he’s gonna ruin their friendship (Again, can he say that? Can he consider himself worthy of being Ichiji’s friend?). But, he guesses he already did. He’s so embarrassed he doesn’t know what he’ll do if and when he’ll finally see him again on Monday at the University.
—
When Ichiji wakes up, he’s happy to feel somewhat well rested. He looks at the clock on his nightstand and sees it’s a decent hour to wake up on a Saturday.
He gets up, eats some scrambled eggs and bacon, takes a shower, gets dressed, brushes his teeth, and takes his phone, wallet, and keys, before getting out of the house.
He heads towards his car, deciding to get a coffee to go before heading for the supermarket.
He parks his car in the parking lot of the place, glad for having found one near the entrance, and locks it right after getting out. He will not be repeating that incident from a while ago where he left the car unlocked and had anxiety about getting in for a month.
He sips at his coffee while he steps inside the supermarket. As he looks around, he sees some stuff he needs and heads that way. He places the items in the shopping cart and, as he turns around to get some more, - since they’re on sale - he bumps against a hard chest, getting his - now thankfully cold - coffee all over himself and the other person.
As he’s apologizing again and again, saying things like, “Fuck, sorry. My bad. I’ll buy you a new shirt, or pay for cleaning yours, whatever you wan-” He steers to a stop as he looks up and locks eyes with the man before him. Shit. His brain so helpfully supplies.
It’s Katakuri, the last person he thought he’d see here, or anywhere, until at least Monday.
He feels awkward, not knowing if he should continue apologizing for the spilled coffee, or start apologizing for the other day. That’s why, when he opens his mouth, it all spills out. “I’m sorry. For your shirt. I’ll buy you a new one, you can even choose which one. Or, if you prefer, I can pay to get it cleaned. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Not now, much less on Thursday. I’m so sorry. You can tell me how much you want for this, and I’ll finally leave you alone. You don’t need to see my face ever again if you choose not to.”
—
Katakuri is stunned speechless from the collision. He didn’t think Ichiji came here to get his groceries, they’ve never met here before.
His shock is interrupted by Ichiji starting to speak a mile a minute. He gets the gist of it, he’s sorry. For everything, apparently.
The fact is, Katakuri feels guilty. He feels like he’s the one who should be apologizing for the other day, not Ichiji.
He says so out loud. “Ichiji. You don’t need to apologize. I should be the one saying sorry for our last conversation.” He takes a deep breath in, before continuing, “I was rude. I want to go out on a date with you. It’s just- I don’t feel comfortable about being seen.”
He sees Ichiji’s brow furrow and he adds, “I’ll explain when we’re alone, if you’ll let me.”
—
Ichiji’s eyebrows fly to his hairline, he didn’t think he would be seeing Katakuri today, much less this, whatever’s happening now.
He doesn’t think as he says, “We can go to mine and talk there. It’s a ten minute ride from here.” His eyes widen as he realizes what he just said. “Unless you don’t want to! That’s totally fine too!”
He sees the corners of Katakuri’s eyes wrinkle up as he probably smiles under his foulard. “I look forward to it.”
He smiles in return, glad to apparently not having fucked up the whole conversation again.
He almost misses Katakuri saying, “I came by foot, could you give me a lift there?” He nods in agreement and they head their separate ways to continue their shopping.
As he’s heading towards the cash register, he sees Katakuri doing the same with the tail of his eye. They pay at the same time, to different cashiers, and meet again at the sliding doors of the exit.
They don’t say anything as they head towards Ichiji’s car, Katakuri following him there.
As Ichiji opens the trunk of his car and deposits his bags inside, he hears Katakuri ask, “Can I put my stuff in your fridge? I’ll take it out before getting back to mine.”
He smiles as he takes Katakuri’s bags and puts them inside the car. “Of course you can, you don’t even have to ask.”
—
As they get in their own seats and Ichiji starts the car, Katakuri finally looks at the other man, he’s never let himself look, really look at him. But, since he thinks this might be the last time they see each other, - and not for what Ichiji thinks - he finally gives in. He looks his feel as the other man drives. He looks freshly showered, his hair curling at the ends. He has the sudden urge to run his fingers through it, but manages to stop himself by looking out the window.
When they get there and out of the car, Ichiji leads them through some houses, meaning his building doesn’t have private parking spots.
Ichiji is struggling to open the door, so Katakuri puts his bags in one hand, taking Ichiji’s bags in the other. Ichiji is somewhat surprised, but smiles at him nonetheless. Katakuri smiles back, even if he knows the other man won't see it.
—
Ichiji sees Katakuri's eyes wrinkle at the ends, not enough that it's obvious, but enough that he, who was searching for that, sees and understands that he's smiling back.
He mumbles a thanks as he turns around again and opens the door. They step inside, Ichiji heading towards the kitchen, Katakuri right behind him.
“You can put them on the counter, thank you.” He sees Katakuri doing it with the tail of his eye and heads to his bedroom to get some clean shirts.
He takes his off, going into the private bathroom, and brushes a wet cloth over his stomach, where he was still sticky from the spilled coffee. He puts the dirty shirt and cloth in his laundry pile and puts on the clean one.
When he goes back into the kitchen, he hands Katakuri the shirt he took for him, saying, “Here, it's a clean shirt. You can put yours in the laundry basket, I'll wash it and bring it to you once it's clean.”
Katakuri nods in thanks. “Can I use the bathroom?” Ichiji nods as he says, “Of course! It's right down the hall. There are some clean towels, if you want to use them to clean the stickiness away.”
—
Katakuri thanks him before taking the offered shirt and going to the bathroom.
He has a feeling Ichiji is overcompensating for asking him out. He thinks he already changed his mind and is acting like this out of pity, because he doesn’t actually want to see him outside of their job.
And to think he wanted to reveal his secret to him. If Ichiji hates him already, without having seen his face, what will he think when he actually sees him?
These thoughts accompany him while he takes his foulard off from around his neck and face, and takes his shirt off as well. He uses a wet towel to clean his chest, feeling a bit better once he’s in a clean shirt. Although, since he’s bigger than Ichiji, the shirt feels a bit too tight on him. But he’s not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. So, he keeps the shirt on, putting his dirty one in the basket under the sink. He puts the foulard back on and opens the door before heading back to where Ichiji is waiting for him.
It seems like their groceries have been put away and, when Ichiji sees his wandering gaze, he says to him, “I put your groceries in the fridge, so you have time to explain what you meant.”
He looks at him before nodding and saying. “Thank you. If you don’t mind, we could sit on the couch. I need to find the words to tell you.”
—
As Katakuri is in the bathroom changing into a clean shirt, - his clean shirt, but he tries not to think about it - Ichiji puts the groceries away, Katakuri’s too.
When he hears footsteps approaching him, he turns around and almost chokes on his spit. Katakuri is wearing his shirt, but it’s like the shirt is hugging his every curve, leaving nothing to the imagination.
He is brought back to reality as he sees the other man looking around, seemingly looking for something, probably his groceries. That’s why he says, “I put your groceries in the fridge,” He doesn’t think before adding, “so you have time to explain what you meant.” He really hopes Katakuri will. He wants to understand why he said what he said.
Katakuri thanks him, asks about sitting on the couch, and says he needs time to figure out how he wants to tell him. He looks at the ground as he says all of this, not noticing Ichiji’s look of concern.
Ichiji doesn’t know what Katakuri will tell him, but he already knows it’s something that hurts the other man, if how he circles around the topic is any indication.
—
Katakuri sits on the couch, seeing Ichiji doing the same, sitting on the opposite end of it.
He takes a deep breath in, before saying, “Maybe it’s best if I show you.” He slowly unfurls the foulard, looking at the ground as he does.
When it’s completely off, he hears a gasp from where Ichiji’s sitting. But, before he can say anything like ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m hideous’ or ‘I knew I would scare you’, he hears Ichiji speaking, saying something he’s never heard before, not concerning him at least.
“You’re beautiful.” It’s said breathly, like he couldn’t wait another moment before saying it.
Katakuri turns to him, seeing him looking at his mouth reverently. He’s shocked to say the least. He had thought Ichiji would think him ugly, maybe not say it outloud, but thinking it nonetheless. He didn’t think the man would find him beautiful.
He doesn’t know what to say. He’s been rendered speechless.
—
Ichiji is surprised to see Katakuri’s mouth. He’s never thought of it before. He’s never seen the man’s entire face, always only his eyes and nose. He’s beautiful.
He doesn’t realize he’s blurted it out until he hears Katakuri say, “Wha-” It seems like he wasn’t expecting that. Neither was Ichiji, to be honest.
“Oh shit, sorry. Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. But you are. Beautiful that is.”
His talking is cut off by Katakuri saying, “Don’t. Don’t lie to make me feel better about it. I know I’m ugly.”
Ichiji frowns, not understanding why the older man is saying something like that. He slides closer to him on the couch, close enough that if he reaches out, he’ll be able to touch him.
He says, “Why would I lie to you? I get it’s a delicate subject, and if you’ll let me, I’ll know more in the future, but I wasn’t lying. You’re gorgeous.” He smiles softly at him, seeing Katakuri doing the same, although more self-conscious about it.
Ichiji realizes something at that moment. It’s the first time he’s seen his smile . He always guesses he’s smiling by the crinkle around his eyes, but he’s never actually seen it. He’s so happy about it, he almost kisses the other man, stopping himself before acting on it.
He reaches a hand out, taking the other man’s in his. It’s so fucking big, I wonder what els- Stop it. He thinks to himself.
“Hey.” He whispers. “Thank you for trusting me with this.” Katakuri looks him in the eyes, before bringing their joined hands to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on Ichiji’s knuckles. Ichiji’s breath hitches, surprised about the other man’s actions.
He doesn’t think as he says, “You could kiss something else of mine.” He doesn’t have time to be shocked or ashamed about what he just said, as a pair of soft lips covers his own. He instinctively closes his eyes and kisses back, only slightly adjusting so that Katakuri’s teeth don’t split open his lips.
When they break the kiss, Ichiji places a chaste one on the other’s lips, as if he can’t get enough of him. He hears Katakuri giggle against him and returns the laugh.
They’ll need to talk more about this and other things. But, in the end, they’ll be okay.