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Man, he really hated being outside and among people again.
Not even up here, at the highest place of UA’s multi-purpose hall, in the most remote corner of its upper balcony, could Touya be completely alone. He felt others’ eyes on him, probably curious about his appearance, probably wondering why some weirdo would hang up here, all on his own, when all students and family members were seated in the area below, in front of the stage, watching the graduation.
He couldn’t really blame the curious onlookers, but their gazes still made his burned skin crawl. It was late March, the cherry blossoms were blooming, people gathered all around the country for hanami, temperatures were rising. Most graduation attendees had dressed up for the occasion.
But here he was, loitering around UA despite obviously being way above high school age, wearing a black, custom mask covering his nose and lower face that would filter the surrounding air as much as possible, reducing the strain on his mildly compromised immune system, paired with black jeans, combat boots, gloves and a black hoodie. He’d pulled up the hood to cover about half of his hair. He had considered stuffing it under a hat, but he hated that feeling even more than he hated being in public.
He’d also considered dyeing his hair again and even wearing coloured contact lenses, but he’d ultimately decided against it. He wasn’t that much of a coward. He knew that he could’ve gone to greater lengths to conceal his identity, but he simply didn’t want to. He didn’t really have a good explanation for it, but the thought of pretending to be someone else again made him feel sick.
He wasn’t sure about publically available information regarding his person or status in the first place. Hawks (that bastard) had assured him that he “had nothing to worry about” (the fuck was that supposed to mean?) and Dad had only given him vague answers. The HPSC and police hadn’t offered him a new identity, they’d handed him a Number Card with his name and some old image from his teenage years on it instead (was that even legal?). He’d made a joke about needing new fingerprints since he’d burned his fingers to a crisp during the war. Maybe they could finally glue the rest of that weird synthetic skin to his hands one day.
He had no doubt that someone would eventually recognise him and connect the dots. He didn’t know what would happen after that. He had the police’s and commission’s permission to be outside, at least in the Greater Tokyo Area. He hadn’t asked them about what would happen if news of his apparent survival and lack of incarceration started spreading online. He hadn’t even thought about it until now.
Whatever. The authorities could deal with that. They hadn’t forced him to change his appearance, they’d granted him some freedom of movement. He wasn’t going out of his way to gain online access somehow (which could get him incarcerated really fast anyway) and he didn’t really care to look himself up. Outsiders’ opinions had always been irrelevant.
Touya turned his attention back to the graduation ceremony - not that he cared much about what was happening. He only cared about one of the students. He knew that his parents and Fuyumi were somewhere down below, sitting in front of the stage like a normal family would. Natsuo hadn’t been able to make it (at least that’s what Fuyumi had told him), but he’d be there for the graduation dinner later that day (meaning that Endeavour wasn’t going to attend that one either), an event that all graduates’ family members were invited to.
Touya wouldn’t be there, of course, even though Mum had assured him that he was indeed invited. He would never subject himself to some social occasion like a dinner with other families, Natsuo would straight up leave if he showed up and he couldn’t even eat normal food. It would be a disaster for everyone involved if he decided to crash that party.
Nah, he wasn’t here for the other students, he didn’t give a shit about UA and their speeches and he wasn’t going to get dragged to that shitty dinner.
Ah, it seemed like they were saving the hero classes for last. This seemed to be 3-B. He didn’t remember much about school graduations, but he didn’t know if students were usually handed their certificates one by one. Wasn’t it supposed to be different? Maybe UA wanted to show off their little future heroes individually. Shit, was the graduation being broadcast? He doubted that anyone would point a camera up here, but he really didn’t want to end up on national TV.
Ugh. Maybe he should head downstairs to where he was supposed to meet Shouto after all that shit was over already.
No, he’d made a promise. He only had to wait a little longer. His baby brother wasn’t going to graduate a second time, at least not from this school.
There. It was time for class 3-A.
Shouto had told him about some of his friends from school, but Touya hadn’t bothered to remember anything about them apart from those two brats that had killed All For One and Shigaraki. The green kid had apparently lost his power after defeating that handsy weirdo and would never be able to work as a hero. The blonde explosion brat that he’d kidnapped all those years ago had been revived by some pro hero after Shigaraki had destroyed his heart during the war.
Huh. Someone else who’d come back from the dead.
He tried to find the rest of his family in the crowd as the 3-A kids started going up on stage one by one to receive their certificates, but he was too high up to spot them from here. He’d planned on bailing after seeing Shouto anyway.
He didn’t want to talk to his father right now. He really didn’t know what to feel about the retired hero after he’d had some time to think about all the shit that man had done to this family, to him, to Natsuo and Fuyumi, to Mum, to Shouto. He didn’t know how to feel when the man kept giving him his full attention, offering anything and everything to him after all these years while also holding complete legal and financial power over his life.
Fuck, couldn’t things be easy for once?
He’d been forced to see the shrink a few times already, her name was Ieiri (he only remembered because her number was in his shitty phone and she sent him reminders before each appointment). She’d asked him about his feelings about his family, about his father, about finally being noticed by the man - the last thing he’d wanted to talk about with a stranger. All he wanted was for her to stop poking around in his messed-up brain, to stop asking her annoying questions, to just back the fuck off.
“You said that your father came to see you every day for two years, even though you don’t remember much of it. How does that make you feel? “
How the fuck did that “make him feel”? Fuck.
Being around Endeavour made him want to cry, made him want to punch something, made him want to burn the man until nothing was left, made him want to beg him to stay, made him want to run away and throw himself into oncoming traffic.
He didn’t know what to think about Mum. He didn’t know if he hated her for how little she’d done to help him when he was a kid. He hated himself for burning her face. He hated her for staying with Endeavour even now, for not divorcing him already. He was glad that she at least lived with Fuyumi now, that she’d been able to leave the mental hospital that Dad had forced her into.
He didn’t know what to think about Fuyumi either. He knew that she’d made an effort to see him at least once a month in the past two years, knew that she’d always sent flowers once a week after he’d made it out of the shitty tank, but talking to her now only left him conflicted. He didn’t really remember her from his childhood, he’d been too obsessed with Dad. Seeing her act almost the same way as Mum only made him angry, too soft, too forgiving, but he didn’t want her to know that. She had also suffered in that shitty household, he knew that, he wasn’t that stupid. He couldn’t get rid of the feeling that she was still playing some role, that she was keeping up some façade, pretending that they were some normal family, pretending like she’d forgiven him entirely, pretending like she wasn’t scared of him.
Natsuo didn’t talk to him, he didn’t send letters anymore. Touya didn’t even have his number. He could probably pester Fuyumi, she’d cave eventually because she was too soft, but he didn’t think it would be worth it. Natsuo would only hate him even more for trying to force himself into his new life, maybe he’d even be mad at Fuyumi for being such a doormat again and handing out his number.
Fuck. He probably wasn’t getting another chance with Natsuo. He’d fucked up.
“These things take time.”
That’s what the shrink had said.
Ugh.
And then there was Shouto.
Touya had to admit that he barely knew anything about his youngest brother. He’d never seen him as anything but Endeavour’s masterpiece, nothing but a little puppet for the Number One to parade around, nothing but a tool to achieve someone else’s goals.
Fuck, he’d really tried to kill his baby brother, more than once, only to spite their shitty father. He’d been prepared to take his own life along with Shouto’s if it had meant inflicting the absolute maximum of pain onto Todoroki Enji.
But Shouto was good and kind, he was nothing like Endeavour, he was nothing like Touya. He’d visited him once a week, sometimes even more than that, listening to Touya’s crazed ramblings that he himself barely even remembered, talking to him about his life, his friends, his dreams for the future. And he’d done all of this despite the despicable shit Touya had done to his little brother. He didn’t really remember how Shouto’s visits to his supposed deathbed had played out in detail, only fragments, words, feelings, sensations, nothing he could grasp for sure, never knowing if it had actually happened or if he’d just imagined it after all.
Maybe Shouto truly was the masterpiece of this fucked up family, not because of Endeavour and Touya, but in spite of them.
Speaking of-
“Todoroki Shouto!”
Touya grasped the railing hard enough for his hands to start shaking, leaning forward as much as he could without falling down. He squinted his eyes, straining to see from this distance, trying to burn this moment into his unreliable memory.
His brother walked up to the stage, bowed in front of the weird mouse-principal (the fuck was up with that?), accepting his graduation certificate. The audience broke into applause, there was some cheering too.
And that had been it. Shouto walked off the stage as the obnoxiously loud announcer called the name of the next student.
He watched as his brother returned to stand next to his classmates, his hair recognisable even from up here. He watched as they put their hands on his shoulders, watched as some of them even pulled him into a quick hug, watched as they all laughed and buzzed around him like a swarm of hornets.
Touya felt a weird pressure in his chest. Shit, had it been too much for his body already? Was he going to collapse at Shouto’s graduation for no reason and cause a scene? Fuck, that’d be too embarrassing. Endeavour would probably send the team of turbo doctors to wheel him out of here, the last thing he needed right now.
He didn’t feel particularly tired yet. Was it something else? He couldn’t tell. It didn’t matter as long as he didn’t faint or some shit.
Whatever. He had to make his way down there and meet Shouto before his parents and Fuyumi got there first.
He pushed past the other people crowding the balcony, ignoring their curious glances, ignoring how some of them started whispering to each other, doing his best to recall how he’d gotten up here in the first place. There were some stairs leading down, that’d be his starting point. He pulled his shitty police-monitored flip phone out of his pocket, looking for the text from Shouto where he’d told him about their meeting point.
“In front of 3-A’s classroom, building block D.”
No new texts.
Yeah, okay. What block even was this? Fuck.
He couldn’t be late. He couldn’t miss this. He knew that Shouto wasn’t going to disappear after this day, but he’d promised, this was really important, he wasn’t going to disappoint his brother already.
This looked like the ground floor. Was this block D? There were students, parents and teachers everywhere. Fuck, he hated this. How was he supposed to find the classroom?
He already felt out of breath, noticing the slightest tremble in his legs along with more pressure in his chest. He’d never hated his useless, weak body more. Fuck.
The kids around him didn’t look like third-graders. This couldn’t be the right part of the building. Didn’t they only have three grades? He couldn’t be that far off. How much time had passed? Was he really getting lost in some shitty school? He wasn’t going to ask someone for directions, fuck that.
“Dabi.”
Touya almost tripped when he heard that name from somewhere behind him. He whipped his head around, immediately regretting it as a wave of dizziness hit him.
Blonde hair, red eyes, badly done tie, arms crossed, standing dramatically in the middle of the crowded corridor.
Bakugou Katsuki, the kid that had killed All For One.
Great. Just what he needed. More time wasted. Peachy.
He turned fully towards the explosive brat, stuffing his hands into his pockets, trying to regulate his breathing. The last thing he wanted was to show weakness in front of some volatile fledgling hero who was strong enough to take down the “demon lord” when he had nothing to defend himself with.
“What do you want?”
The blonde narrowed his eyes at him, stepping forward.
“Could ask you the same, Dabi.”
Fuck, he really didn’t want to take shit from someone like this, but he didn’t have the time. His pride would have to suffer for this.
“Here to see Shouto.”
Explosion brat raised an eyebrow at him. Twat.
“Oh yeah? You here to kill him for real this time or what?”
Touya barely kept himself from rolling his eyes.
Deep breaths. Stay calm. Don’t waste time.
“No. He’s waiting for me.”
The kid took a few more steps, stopping in front of him. At least he was still a little shorter than Touya. Heh.
“How ‘bout I call him to find out if you’re lying?”
Right. Why hadn’t he just called his brother instead of running around like a dumbass?
“Go ahead.”
Explosion brat scoffed at that, but he took out his phone, tapped the screen twice and put the device to his ear.
Did this twat have his brother on speed dial?
“Icyhot. It’s me”.
Icyhot? Really? Was Shouto friends with someone like this?
“I found Dabi running around in UA. Says he’s here to see you. Wanna tell me if he’s lying? I’ll fuck him up.”
The brat shot him a deranged-looking grin, popping some explosions in the palm that wasn’t holding his phone.
Maybe Hawks wasn’t the only one that needed some strangling.
The blonde’s expression dropped into a frown. Touya didn’t hold back the grin behind his mask, making the kid in front of him scowl even harder.
Explosion brat stuffed the phone back into his pocket.
“Guess you weren’t lying then.”
“Guess I wasn’t.”
They stared each other down.
He’d have to cave and be the reasonable adult in this situation, huh?
“Can you tell me where I can find him?”
The shit-eating grin returned.
“Didya get lost in school, Dabi? Heard you dropped out when you were thirteen.”
Deep breaths. Stay calm. Don’t waste time.
Don’t strangle Shouto’s friends.
“Looks like it. Wanna help me out? Since you’re... friends with my brother.”
The blonde looked like he’d swallowed a Sazae whole, but didn’t say anything.
They stared each other down.
Touya felt like leaving. He really didn’t have the time.
“Turn right over there, go all the way to the end, turn left and you’re almost there.”
Well. That was unexpected.
He bit back a snarky reply and just tilted his head downward in what could be considered a slight bow. He turned away from the explosive brat, repeating the simple directions inside his head before they slipped away like so many of his memories already had.
Touya almost expected the kid to call him out by his former alias again, maybe add some dramatic shit like “I’m watching you”, but nothing came.
Whatever. He’d wasted enough time here.
His legs trembled a little harder with every step, but he forced them to keep moving, he didn’t give a shit about the strain this would put on his useless body, he just wanted to see his brother already.
He finally made that left turn, breathing hard, slowing down when he realised what he’d have to face now.
It seemed like the entire class had assembled in front of the room, the group of young adults a chaotic mess of colours and noises.
Shit, he wasn’t scared of some high schoolers, but he really didn’t want to approach that bunch.
He slid back around the corner, leaning against the wall. He felt disgustingly warm, fighting the urge to rip off the hoodie. The messed up patchwork of burns, staples and synthetic skin partially hidden by the white shirt he was wearing underneath would give him away pretty damn fast, but he was starting to feel like absolute shit in this getup.
Fuck it, he didn’t care.
Touya slid down the wall until his ass hit the floor, taking off the gloves, stuffing them into his pockets, pulling the hoodie over his head, making sure the mask stayed on while doing so. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling it pull at his scalp as some of the staples on his wrist got caught in it.
He took out his phone, deciding to just call Shouto instead of finding him in that gaggle of students and getting his attention. He wasn’t going to approach that group of would-be heroes again.
Touya let out a long, shuddering breath as he put the shitty phone to his burned ear, the cheap plastic clicking against the numerous, recently re-done helix piercings.
Shit, was he nervous? Fucking dumbass. He wasn’t scared of his little brother.
“Touya-nii?”
“Fuck!”
He almost crushed the phone in his hand as Shouto materialised next to him, leaning around that stupid corner, one hand on the wall. He scrambled to get up, almost dropping hoodie and phone onto the floor, his gaze locked onto his brother’s, who regarded him with an unreadable expression.
At least they were still the same height. He wouldn’t know how to feel if he’d ended up being the short one.
“Uh. Shit, I just tried to call you. Sorry, I think I’m late, I didn’t know where to go, I, uh, got lost, but that explosion brat helped me out.”
“Oh.”
Oh. Yeah. Fuck.
Touya managed to stuff the shitty flip phone back into his pocket, trying to read his brother’s expression. He swallowed hard as he watched the mismatched eyes travel over his exposed arms, wondering if the other brats apart from the Bakugou kid had seen him yet, wondering if they’d already grilled Shouto about why his ex-villain-convicted-murderer-brother was roaming around freely in their school, at their graduation no less.
His brother’s eyes flicked back up to meet his.
Touya wondered if his heart was going to explode.
One blue eye, the same colour as his.
One grey eye, the same colour as Mum’s.
He was looking.
His face was-
“You made it.”
Shouto was… smiling?
Oh.
“Yeah. Yeah, I… I guess I made it.”
“Could you do this? For me.”
Had Shouto said that to him?
“Can you live for me, Touya-nii?”
Fuck. Was that a memory? Had he imagined it?
He remembered that he’d wanted to be at Shouto’s graduation, but he never knew if his brother had asked him to be there or if he’d just drilled it into his brain on his own. He really couldn’t tell. His head was too fucked.
Touya’s thoughts came to a screeching halt when his little brother tentatively reached out his arms, looking at him with too bright eyes and a gentle smile on his face.
He froze for a second, forcing his body to move after realising that he probably looked like a massive prick, carefully wrapping his exposed arms around his baby brother, asking himself if he’d lost it completely now, asking himself if he was still stuck in that shitty fish tank, asking himself if he’d fried his brain one too many times.
But this was real, wasn’t it?
Touya closed his eyes, exhaling through his nose, a little louder than before.
The pressure in his chest was almost unbearable now.
Oh well. Someone was there to catch him if he collapsed now.
Warmth.
He didn’t want the warmth to disappear.
Ever.
Touya lifted his left arm, placing shaking fingers against the back of Shouto’s head, slowly pushing them into the bi-coloured hair.
Maybe what he’d done there had upset his brother.
The arms wrapped around his waist tightened their hold, slowly, carefully.
Maybe what he’d done there hadn’t upset his brother.
Touya took notice of the sounds of the busy school, of countless footsteps passing by, of students, teachers and parents chatting, laughing, sometimes even crying. The noise of life continuing undisturbed around them had never sounded so far away.
The world did not care about two brothers embracing, one of them having somehow escaped his untimely death, still drawing breath after breath, stuck in a body that had never been made to withstand his fire, mostly destroyed by his own powers and misplaced tenacity, the other marching steadily towards a bright future, supported by friends, lifted up by his two powers that complimented each other perfectly, allowing him near unlimited potential.
“Todoroookiiiiiiiiii? Why’d he run away?”
“Did you get yourself killed, Icyhot? Fucking dumbass!”
“Haaahh? How’d he get himself killed inside UA, Baka-gou?”
“The fuck did you just call me? You wanna fucking go, Dunce Face?”
“To-do-ro-ki~! To-do-ro-ki~!”
“Do you think he got lost?”
“Lost in front of our classroom? I just saw him…”
He reluctantly opened his eyes, unable to ignore the grating sounds of the hero brats calling for his brother.
Shouto slowly dropped his arms. Touya mirrored the movement, trying his best to ignore the feeling of the pressure in his chest increasing as he did so.
Shouto took a small step back. Touya dared to meet his brother’s eyes once there was some distance between them again, surprised to find a gentle smile and bright eyes on his brother’s scarred face.
He probably hadn’t fucked up everything then.
“Are you going to be at the dinner, Touya-nii?”
He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling like shit for turning his little brother down.
“Uh, no. I’m really tired, Natsu’s going to be there, I can’t eat anything anyway, y’know. I’ll just head home now.”
Shouto nodded in understanding, though he lowered his gaze to the ground.
“Okay, I get it.”
Shit.
He put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, wondering if he went too far with the gesture. The mismatched skin on his arms, the staples and burns looked like they shouldn’t be anywhere near the professionally laundered, prestigious UA uniform that Shouto was wearing.
“I could come by your place tomorrow? I mean, if you want me to.”
He swallowed hard as the heterochromatic gaze shot up to meet his own.
“I’d like that, Touya-nii.”
He dropped his hand, feeling a little relieved.
“Okay. Uh, good. I’ll text you, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
One blue eye, the same colour as his.
One grey eye, the same colour as Mum’s.
The scar on his left side.
A warm, gentle smile.
What was that feeling?
He didn’t want to think about it.
“Okay. I’m- I’m really tired, but the driver’s waiting at the main entrance, so I’ll be fine. Enjoy the dinner for me, yeah?”
Fuck, his voice was starting to fail. He really needed to leave before he became a complete mess. Endeavour would probably send the team of turbo doctors to wheel him out of here, the last thing he needed right now.
“Okay.”
“Right.”
He looked for his hoodie, finding it crumpled on top of his boots.
Huh.
He picked it up, pulled it over his head and stuffed the back half of his hair under the hood again.
“Todoroookiiiiiiiiii?”
“Think your friends are waiting for you, Shouto.”
His brother tilted his head to the side.
“You think so?”
Touya let out a snort, feeling almost light-headed at this point. That probably explained why he lifted his right hand to lightly flick two fingers against his brother’s forehead, causing the bi-coloured brows to furrow in confusion.
“What’d you flick my forehead for?”
He knew that the mask would hide most of it, but he still let a grin slide onto his face.
“You looked like you deserved it.”
Was that a… pout?
“Did not.”
“You did.”
“Did not.”
“You did.”
“Todoroookiiiiii!”
Touya stepped away from the wall, turning towards the way that he’d come from.
“C’mon, go talk to them already, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
He looked back, trying to burn this moment into his unreliable memory. His baby brother, wearing his school uniform for the last time, looking at him with too bright eyes and a gentle smile on his face.
“Later, Touya-nii.”
The pressure in his chest had become unbearable now.
Touya didn’t look back again as he forced his trembling legs to take him back the way he’d come, pressing one hand against his sternum, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about the days to come, thinking about the weeks and months to come.
“Can you live for me, Touya-nii?”
Yeah. Yeah, he could do that.