Chapter Text
Garrus vakarian is a realist. He reminds himself but he is also a believer for his shepard.
I am on the sideline while Shepard is doing all the work. if we get out of this alive, not if when. When we get out of this alive I am gonna do more fortification on the house on the citadel. Maybe I will buy a house too on the Palaven so we can go there on vacations. Maybe we can retire with Jane and live off royalties from the vids. We joked about it, I joked about it but we never had a discussion about the subject. We will get out of this alive and she will come back to me. She always does.
***
I’m rotten inside. They don't let me walk among the rubble. I can be an emergency team member. I can look for her too. Alliance emergency team doesn’t believe me. They say I'm too emotional. Turians don't get emotional. Soldiers don't get emotional. Why would I be emotional? I just want to find my commander and hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay. I want to talk about the future and buying a house together. “Just let me look for her, please” is all I can say. They make me wait outside of the crash zone. I wait and I wait. It feels like forever.
Crucible, our last hope against the reapers. Exploded on orbit and crashed down on earth. So many lives lost and so many freed from the reaper's cycle. I see Tali and Liare coming my way. I look away.
“She will be found, Garrus. Keelah, you will see. Tali says hopeful. “I want to believe in her but just seeing this view does not give me hope.” I look away. Liara adds “Maybe but don't make her sacrifices in vain. and let chakwas take care of you, please. You do not look well. When we found her, you can come look. Now go.” Seeing them adds to what we went through, just to fall off at the end. Kaiden walks past me into the crash zone. I guess they take renowned pricks but not me.
Chakwas encourages me to rest and reminds me I’m also wounded. So what? Love of my life under the rubble and they want me rested. Do they know I can't breathe without my Shepard. She said herself “no Shepard without Vakarian”, it is two sided isn't it. no Vakarian without Shepard.
They find her. 20 hours after the crash. wounded, bloody, thirsty. I didn't leave her side like this. Her face was taintless when she forcefully boarded me on Normandy and now it is full of dirt and blood. If I were there maybe I could have done something more.
Emergency team take her with haste to the surgery. They call her mother about the surgery. Hannah, I think her name. Shepard rarely talks about her. One time she talked about a phone call. I think it made her emotional a little bit.
***
Shepard being transferred to the citadel, I go with her. We meet her mother on the Citadel. She is looking disorganized. It's not surprising, learning about your daughter being shipped off to citadel for emergency care. After she ended the Reaper War. “Hello Ma’am, My name is Garrus Vakarian. I’m your daughter's boyfriend.” I say. giving her time to understand “If there is anything you need you can call me. I’ll give you some time”. She takes my contact information and we split. It makes me heartbroken that I can't be with her till she awakes. But motherly care is as good as any.
I take a job on C-Sec not on patrol or anything just an office job where I can take time off easily. Saving the galaxy 3 times has its perks.
I visit her everyday. We talk with her mother. She tells me about her childhood. I tell her about the job. And Shepard listens. Sometimes I bring simple coffee, sometimes I bring food. and sometimes I bring flowers .Today I decided to bring her a book. Shepard may not hear us talking. But I found reading these days calms me. Stop making me think about all the sacrifices we make to come here. Maybe It will do the same for her. Wishful thinking. First I tried Turian literature, sadly being a military focused species did not help. Then I tried classic human literature. Hannah suggested I read Pride & Prejudice. It is going far too slow for my taste. Though maybe more aligned with our relationship. We started slow. Didn't get close till last year.
On a fine day, I sit at her bedside holding her hand. “I hope you can hear me, commander. Doctors say it is good to talk with patient. So I’ll keep talking to you. I’ll keep hoping as long as you breathe.” I take a deep breath, sometimes it's too much seeing her sleeping but I keep going. “I wish I said I love you till you got irritated with me or I wish I hugged you every night you went to sleep. I wish I didn't wait too long for anything really. When you wake up I’ll do everything you ask of me. I just want to hear your voice again, in the house, at a coffee shop. anywhere where you’ll talk to me. I plan to buy a house on Palaven close to my family. Maybe we’ll go together and stay a couple of weeks after you wake up of course. what do you say?” and I kiss her hands so soft, so precious.
***
One day while I was sitting with Hannah and her beloved daughter of hers, Kaidan popped up. Everything was calm and sweet. We talked from the weather. Her time with Kaidan. Everything was good until Hannah left the room to get coffee for our visitor. Kaidan sees his opportunity, starts to creep up on me and says
“Hey big guy, you know this is your fault, right? You were with her every mission. Taking my place as her right hand. you were with her too at the last stand, just until the very end. and you left her. on the battlefield. alone. I will never forgive you for leaving her. If I was there I would have died for her and she would be alive. Walking, smiling and laughing. But you, she has a weakness for you. That weakness will be the end of her. Because of you-”
The door clicked, opened, and Hannah entered. Kaidan touched my shoulder, whispered “You don't deserve her.” and went back to where he sat pretending nothing happened. And I felt responsible. For her, for her daughter. Seeing Hannah’s face. How she spends her months here near her daughter. I wanted to say something back to Kaidan. But my voice didn't make any sound. I couldn't speak. I didn't want to leave Shepard’s side. I never want to leave her side. She forced me to do it. She handed me over to Tali and said I love you. Like it was the last time. What was I supposed to do? All I did was say I love you back. Maybe I should have gone up with her or die trying. Honestly, I would have died for her on so many occasions. even before we got together.
But I can't speak, there is something on my throat, I feel it. I say my goodbye and tell Hannah I see her tomorrow.
***
Working at c-sec. I’m back to square one. I really didn't think this through when I accepted this job. They had a vacancy after the reaper war and I did need a job to stay close to her and something to think about other than her for my mental health. Now I do the work with red tape and bureaucracy. The only positive side is the hospital is close and I can go there whenever I want.
My omni tool has been beeping non-stop since I started this job. Aftermath of the war. Shepard wins the war and dealing with the aftermath comes to us.
Checking my messages mostly people affected from the war. out of houses. out of jobs. As a police force our job is to make sure of order. we redirect the people, we hire some of them here on c-sec. We are rebuilding as fast as we can on the citadel and on c-sec.
Out of 17 messages I see something I can't comprehend, it is from Hannah.
I read it again.
“Come quick. She is awake.”
Once I get my legs working after the first shock I'm running. I don't really run these days. but here I am, running to her. I can't be away from her any longer. It's been 3 months since she was comatose.
Out of my office, out of c-sec. I run to her.
I pass the hospital security, use the elevator. Were these things always this slow? I finally come to her room, My hands are shaking. I can't bring myself to open the door.
Why?
I've been waiting for this. I‘ve been hoping for this
I miss her. I want to hug her.
Why can't I go in and hug her? Guilt has me. I'm sitting outside of her door. Hannah comes out after a while.
“Hey Garrus, when did you come?” looks surprised.
“I ran here so I was breathless. I didn't want her to see me like this, you know.” Best excuse I could find.
I want to see her. But I don't know if I can face her. What if she finds me guilty too? What if Kaidan was right? What if she blames me for her condition? I’m scared. I would rather face cartels on Omega.
“haha, don't worry, both of you waited long enough. come, she is asking for you.“ She says casually. I want to believe her.