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So, here’s the thing about having a sexuality crisis in your thirties, directly on the heels of imploding your own life to the point that your child literally moves states to get away from you, and just after your best friend, who you may be ever so slightly co-dependent with, has also just had a sexuality crisis - well, not crisis as such, in his case, more like a realisation - and has started dating the first new friend you’d made in years, making it kind of weird to hang out now, whatever, especially since you then sort of realised that you were in love with said best friend, and had probably been that way for years, which made it even more awkward, and working in close proximity with that best friend surrounded by people who know you better than your family do, who could obviously tell, who had to be able to tell, and then growing a moustache because… look, anyway. Here’s the thing.
None of them said anything. Not a word.
Well. They did about the moustache. They never shut up about the goddamn moustache.
But the other thing? The whole sexuality-crisis-love-realisation thing? Nothing.
Eddie was expecting it. He was braced for it. For the jokes, the innuendo, even for the odd earnest, well-intentioned speech. But there was nothing, beyond heartfelt assertions of support when he first came out. And then silence.
Maybe they didn’t know? No, they had to. His therapist could tell, and yeah Frank knew him pretty well, but not like his team. Chimney was the biggest busybody Eddie’d ever met. Hen had a preternatural sense when it came to working out the feelings of those around him. Bobby had that whole paternal, all-knowing thing going on. Buck - okay, well. Buck was probably oblivious.
He hoped Buck was oblivious.
Weirdly, though, Eddie found himself slightly disappointed. On the one hand, he didn’t want to be the centre of attention, but on the other… maybe it would have been nice to have someone to talk to other than a man who was literally paid to listen to him.
(What’s that you say? Start the conversation himself? Yeah, nope.)
It was because of Christopher, of course. They felt sorry for him, they weren’t going to kick him while he was down with their jokes and their teasing, not while Christopher was gone and while Buck was dating Tommy. Not to mention that asshole Gerrard. It would be too cruel. And Eddie appreciated that.
But then Buck and Tommy broke up. Buck didn’t say it explicitly, but Eddie had a feeling that the break up had a lot to do with Buck staying at Eddie’s around five times a week, stopping him from spiralling too hard or too fast. Eddie’d felt guilty for all of about ten minutes, but Buck seemed relieved more than anything else, and… well, sue him, the man he loved was no longer in a relationship with someone else. His life sucked too much to feel bad about the good things that were happening. This would have been prime time for some of those comments, innuendos… hell, even a raised eyebrow.
Nothing.
Then Gerrard was gone, and Bobby was back. It was partially due to footage captured of Eddie viciously defending Buck against his biphobic bullshit, during which he may have questioned Gerrard’s manhood in relation to his best friend’s.
Nothing.
Then Christopher came back. They messaged, they talked, they cried. Finally, Eddie drove to Texas to collect his son, Buck along for the ride. Buck literally went with him to collect Christopher, got pulled into a group hug by his son, a moment that was captured by his sister and sent to the team by Buck along with a bunch of heart emojis.
Nothing.
Buck was still staying over multiple times a week, to the point where they were meal planning together in the break room ahead of a joint grocery run after shift.
Nothing.
He shaved off the moustache at the insistence of his son, and during the party thrown by the team (seriously, the jerks threw an actual party to celebrate) Buck kept making kissing jokes and Eddie knew he was blushing.
Nothing.
There was that night that they all went out for drinks, and Eddie spent the entire time they were in the bar just staring at Buck. He knew he was doing it, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He just… he was beautiful, okay? He was happy and laughing and everytime he smiled Eddie just felt himself melt and he knew he was being obvious so he kept his distance, chatting to Karen and Athena while Buck played pool with Chim and he was waiting for one of them to call him out - I mean, come on, it’s Karen and Athena, but aside from the occasional shared glance there was just… nothing.
So, Eddie continued on - it’d been a while since he and Buck were both single at the same time, and they fell easily into spending most of their free time together, either alone or with Chris. Eddie loved it. He loved him. He wanted it to stay that way, didn’t want to worry about Buck meeting someone new, but he knew that that was selfish - he couldn’t just expect Buck to stay single forever so that he could keep their little family the same.
When he voiced this to Frank, Frank had made the point that he could be that someone new, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about Buck not being there. So, basically, Frank was no help at all.
Okay, fine, he knew that he was right. It wasn’t that he wanted things to stay the same: he wanted to keep what he had now but add everything else. He wanted… god, he wanted. Sometimes he felt like he couldn’t breathe, just from the sheer want he had inside him. It scared him - he’d never felt this way about anyone, and he just didn’t know what to do about it. It was well established that he was bad at this, and the thought of screwing up… well, he just couldn’t bear it.
So here he was, a good three months into this depressingly platonic state of affairs, with no idea how to move forward and no one to discuss it with.
Until, one morning, two hours into their shift, Chimney stepped onto the running machine next to his and set it to a gentle jog.
“It’s been ninety days.”
Eddie, who was running considerably faster than a jog, thought he’d misheard.
“Huh?”
“Ninety days,” Chimney repeated. “It’s been ninety days since the break up.”
Buck and Tommy - he had to be talking about Buck and Tommy, and he was right, it had been about three months so… but why was he suddenly bringing this up? Was this actually, finally, Chim saying something? Eddie’s heart leapt into his throat but he stared straight ahead, continuing to run.
“Okay, so?” He asked nonchalantly.
“So this is your window. Today. Today is the window.”
“My-”
“Your window to ask Buck out.”
Eddie missed a step and almost fell flat on his face, which would have been highly embarrassing, but he corrected the stumble, his face flaming.
He knew they were alone - knew Buck was helping Bobby make lunch - but even so… when it came to it, he found himself sticking with denial.
“I don’t know what you’re - that’s - I mean I-”
Wow. Smooth.
Chimney gave him a withering look, which Eddie definitely deserved, and Eddie sighed heavily before turning down the speed on his machine to a walk. Chim matched him.
“A window?” He asked.
“Yes. There’s a statute of limitations to these things - ninety days. That’s how long you need to wait after a break up, and you’ve respected that and so have I-”
Eddie stared at him. “Wait, is that why you’ve not-?”
“Why I’ve not what?”
Eddie shook his head. “Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled. “Okay, so it’s ninety days later. Why does it have to be today?”
“Well maybe not literally today, but now the ninety days have passed, Buck is going to be open again. Open to finding someone new.”
Eddie felt sick. “He hasn’t shown any interest in-”
“Not yet,” said Chimney. “So you need to get in there, now, before someone else does.”
Eddie swallowed. Three minutes ago he’d been working out, not a care in the world beyond his usual plethora of neuroses, and now suddenly here was Chim, who apparently had just been waiting for the statute of limitations to pass before badgering him, making him question his every move when it came to Buck.
The thing was, he was right. He was, wasn’t he? It’s what he himself has been fearing - that Buck will find someone else. That he has the right to find someone else, to be happy with someone, to start a family… and the thought genuinely makes Eddie feel ill. But so does… so does making a move.
Something of his thoughts must show on his face, because Chim’s voice is softer when he speaks again. “I don’t want you to be scared.”
“I’m not scared.” It’s an automatic denial.
Chimney just gives him an unimpressed look. “Eddie.”
“Okay, fine, I’m scared.”
“I don’t want you to be scared.”
“Thanks, but fear doesn’t really work like that.”
“You have to take this risk.”
Eddie shook his head. “I’m not much of a risk taker.”
Chimney snorted. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “But you can be.”
“I can’t just become a thing I’m not,” said Eddie.
“You are the thing you’re not!”
Eddie shot Chim a bemused look. “No, I’m not.”
“Buck thinks you are,” said Chimney. “I think you are.”
Eddie almost stumbled again. He looked at Chim and away again quickly, unable to hold his gaze. “Buck thinks I am?”
“He thinks you’re everything.”
Eddie slammed the stop on his machine, not trusting his feet anymore. “I… I’m…”
Chim stopped his own machine and stepped off, pausing only to reach up and grip Eddie’s shoulder as he stood, still facing the controls. “You got this, man,” he said. And then he was gone.
Eddie stayed where he was, breathing heavier than was warranted from the walk he’d been doing the last few minutes.
Well, someone had finally said something. And now Eddie felt like his head was going to spin off.
Okay. Okay.
Here’s the thing.
Here it is.
Fuck.
Eddie gripped the bar in front of him and leant forward, screwing his eyes tight shut. He was going to have to do it. Chim was right - he needed to take the risk, and he needed to do it soon. He didn’t think he’d be able to take it if - when - Buck did meet someone, when he settled down properly and left him behind. Not if he didn’t try. If he tried, and Buck said no - sure, it would suck, it would hurt like hell and be awkward as hell as well… but he would have tried. He wouldn’t have to live with the knowledge that he might have had something, and missed out because he was too scared.
He would say something. He would.
“Eddie? You okay man?”
Eddie stood up so fast his back twinged at the movement. Buck was in the doorway of the gym, looking at him with concern.
He couldn’t do it. Fear washed through him, the realisation of his weakness rooting him to the spot, and it took everything in him to keep his face blank.
He cleared his throat. “Yeah, yeah… sorry, just tired,” he said.
Buck looked unconvinced, but he nodded. “I just wanted to let you know lunch is almost done, if you want to grab a shower first.”
God he was so thoughtful. Fuck Eddie’s life, seriously.
“Thanks man, I’ll do that.”
Buck narrowed his eyes. “You sure you’re okay?”
Eddie nodded, way more times than he usually did. He couldn’t seem to stop.
“Okay,” Buck said. He looked pensive, like he was going to say something else, but then gave a helpless shrug and walked out of the room. Eddie watched him go - Buck looked back after a few seconds, and Eddie quickly turned away.
He was just going to have to accept it. Accept, and move on, starting today.
It didn’t exactly go well, in terms of moving on. Buck had saved him a seat when he got upstairs after his shower, right next to him of course. He’d also saved him the end piece of the meatloaf, knowing it was his favourite. Eddie was acutely aware of Buck’s leg pressing gently against his under the table the entire time they were eating, just as he was acutely aware of Chim giving him pointed looks every couple of minutes.
He soon realised Hen was giving him the looks as well - clearly she’d heard of the statute of limitations as well.
He missed the ‘nothing’ days already.
The bell rang as they were clearing lunch away, and they were called to three emergencies in a row - nothing too strenuous, but all seemingly designed to showcase to Eddie what he was missing out on. First there was the call to the dock, which somehow involved Eddie watching while Buck wrapped a thick rope around his forearm and pulled, his muscles straining against his uniform shirt and basically looking like some kind of Insta thirst trap come to stunning life. Next up was a cliffside rescue during which Buck was the perfect partner, seemingly reading Eddie’s mind - though luckily not every thought, since Eddie had a pretty interesting view of Buck from below the whole time, and some corners of his mind were decidedly not for anyone else. And then there was a literal cat in a tree, and it was a really goddamn cute cat, of course, and there was a little old lady who was thanking Buck for scaling the tree and hugging him and of course Buck was great with her and it was just unfair, okay?
It was unfair.
It was early evening when they got back, and there were a couple of hours left on shift, and everyone dispersed. Eddie felt antsy, not sure what to do with himself. Chim and Hen were stocking the ambulance - the job wouldn’t take them long, and Eddie needed to avoid them at all costs, now that apparently the silence was broken. He couldn’t talk about this again, not today. Not if he was going to accept reality.
He headed for the roof.
Bobby had turned the roof into a bit of a garden, and they sometimes went up there for group meditations. Not for a while though - not since Gerrard. He hadn’t been up there since then, but today he needed the privacy.
He stepped out into the warm evening air and took a deep breath. The sun was just starting to dip towards the horizon, and the roof was bathed in a deep golden glow. The plant pots were still there, the thrifted coffee table, the lawn chairs… and there, sitting on one of them, was Buck. He was silhouetted, but Eddie would know him anywhere.
Eddie’s heart raced. Damn it - of course he was here, it was just his luck. He immediately felt guilty - he didn’t want to avoid Buck, his feelings weren’t Buck’s problem, they were his. He could deal with them. He would.
He squared his shoulders and walked over. It slightly felt like he was walking through quicksand.
“Hey,” said Buck as he drew near.
“Hey. Uh, what are you doing up here?”
Buck shrugged. “I like it up here,” he said. “I come up here when we’ve got downtime, sometimes.”
Eddie nodded, and took a seat. Not right next to him, but close enough. Well, not close enough, but it would have to do.
“And I thought you might come up here.”
Eddie looked at Buck in surprise - Buck was looking straight at him, his eyes unwavering.
“You did?”
“Yeah. You seem… I don’t know. Like you’ve got something on your mind?” Buck said. “So I thought you might come up here, to get some peace.”
Eddie cracked a smile. “So you decided to come up here too? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose for me?”
Buck’s eyes widened. “Um, yeah, you’re right,” he stammered, standing up. “I’ll just - sorry - I’ll-” He started to walk away, and Eddie’s hand shot out to grab his wrist.
“No, Buck, sorry, I was kidding,” he said. He hated the look of uncertainty on Buck’s face, hated that he’d put it there. “You’re right, I’ve got stuff on my mind, but I don’t need to be alone. Hang out with me.”
“You sure?”
“Always.”
Buck narrowed his eyes at him, and Eddie could feel himself blushing. Had that been too much? He realised he was still holding Buck’s wrist, and quickly let go. Buck sat down - on a closer chair this time - and they sat in a slightly awkward silence for a couple of minutes.
God, Eddie hated that it was awkward. He wasn’t ever awkward with Buck. But he’d done this - his stupid fear, his stupid feelings, his inability to just be normal. He had to get a handle on himself.
He looked over at Buck - he had his eyes closed, face tipped up to the setting sun. He looked so damn beautiful that Eddie wanted to cry. And for the moment, he was Eddie’s - he sought out Eddie, he laughed with Eddie, he shopped with Eddie, he practically lived with Eddie, he raised his kid with Eddie… but that wasn’t going to last. Chim was right, there was a limit, and he was there.
“You know it’s been ninety days.”
Eddie hadn’t meant to say it - he had no idea he was going to speak until he did. Buck’s eyes opened and he turned his head to look at Eddie.
“What’s been ninety days?”
Eddie felt cold all over. What the fuck was wrong with him? “Um, it’s, it’s ninety days since you broke up with Tommy,” he explained.
Buck’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah it is. How’d you know that?”
Eddie scoffed. “I mean, I can count,” he said.
“Yeah, but why would you?” Buck asked curiously. “Why would you count the days?”
“I didn’t,” Eddie said immediately. “It was Chimney.”
Now Buck just looked confused. “Huh?”
Eddie was floundering, he could feel it. Why the hell had he said anything? Why had he opened his big dumb mouth?
“He was just, um, he mentioned to me it was ninety days since… he was just, you know, the statute of limitations…” he mumbled.
“Statute of limitations?”
Fuck. Okay, it’s fine. He could make this normal. Probably.
“Yeah, um, he was saying that this was, you know, the time to ask you out - I mean, if there was someone who wanted to ask you out, this was the window, their window” Eddie stammered, mostly talking to his own knees. He couldn’t look Buck in the eye. “Because enough time had passed since the break up. You know, it’s just… Chimney stuff.”
“Chimney stuff.” Buck sounded… Eddie didn’t even know. He always knew, and now he didn’t, and he couldn’t look to check his expression because he just couldn’t look at Buck right then and see that he got it and see the rejection and oh god what the hell had he done, he needed to get out of there.
“Yeah, you know he likes his theories,” Eddie said, aiming for breezy and wildly missing the mark, “anyway, I’m gonna go down, I’ll see you later.”
He stood up, still not looking at Buck, and had taken three steps when Buck spoke.
“It’s sixty days.”
Eddie stopped. He heard the slight scrape of the lawn chair on the roof as Buck stood up behind him. Eddie turned around slowly - Buck was silhouetted again, but he was walking towards Eddie - Eddie, who was frozen to the spot.
Eddie swallowed. “What?”
“The statute of limitations,” Buck said, maddeningly calmly, “it’s sixty days.”
Eddie didn’t know what to say - didn’t even know what to think. What was Buck suggesting?
Buck stopped a few feet away, stepping to the side enough that Eddie could finally see his face - see the smirk on his lips. Eddie barely had time to wonder what it meant before Buck was talking again. “What’ve you been waiting for, Diaz?”
Eddie’s entire body flushed. Buck’s smirk widened, and he quirked an eyebrow at him in a way that made want to, well, bite it. It was like a klaxon was going off in Eddie’s head - Buck was smirking at him, Buck was flirting with him, Buck was… Buck wanted him back.
He’d seen Buck flirt before, seen him turn his natural charm up to ten, using that stupidly pretty face of his to his advantage. But he hadn’t had that turned on him, not really, not seriously, but now…
Eddie swallowed. This was it. If there was ever a moment for him to learn to be smooth, this was it.
“Um, I… I was waiting the ninety days, like I was taught.”
Well, so much for smooth.
Luckily, Buck didn’t seem to mind. His mouth twisted in amusement, and he took a step closer - Eddie only knew because his lips got slightly bigger. He couldn’t seem to look away from his lips.
“Well, I’m telling you, it’s sixty days,” Buck said. “I’m waiting.”
Another step. Eddie swallowed again, and finally looked up to meet Buck’s eyes - they were sparkling, full of so much fondness that it would have taken Eddie’s breath away if he’d been doing anything as prosaic breathing in that moment.
“Well… okay,” Eddie said lamely. God, why did he have to be so bad at this? “Listen, unless you wave me off, I’m going to kiss you now.”
Buck grinned. “If it’s not too much trouble.”
Eddie was the one who took a step forward this time - his legs felt like lead. “I mean it Buck,” he said, almost like a threat. “I’ll do it.”
“I’m saying do it, Eddie.” Buck took the final step - they were toe to toe, as close as they could be without actually touching. Eddie could feel the heat radiating from him. His hands were literally tingling from wanting to reach out and touch. This was it - the most important kiss of Eddie’s life. Buck was barely two inches away, he’d only need to lean in. But he was just… frozen. Buck was telling him to kiss him, demanding that he take everything he’d ever wanted, and Eddie just… couldn’t move.
Buck still seemed amused. “You’ve done this before, right?” He teased. “I mean, you have a child.”
Eddie ducked his head, smiling despite himself. “Yes. Yeah. Absolutely.” He still didn’t move.
“Eddie?”
“Yep?”
“I’m… standing here.” Buck was smirking again.
“I just…” Eddie cleared his throat. “It occurs to me that this might… it might not be the best time to do this.”
Buck took a small step back, and Eddie immediately felt the loss of his heat.
“I mean, we’re on shift, and squeezing it in when the bell could go at any moment…”
Buck nodded. “Okay,” he said. “You’re probably right.”
Eddie nodded as well. “Yeah, so… after shift? I’ll um, meet you.”
Buck smiled again. “Sure. After shift.”
“Okay!” Eddie said, nodding again. It was far too much nodding, what was wrong with him? “I’m gonna… go back downstairs.”
“I’ll be down in a minute.”
Eddie turned on his heel and headed for the door - this was good. This was correct, and responsible, and starting on the right foot. Yes, he could have stayed and kissed Buck, but here’s the thing….
Here’s the thing.
What the hell was he doing?
Eddie was about two feet from the door when he spun around on the spot and strode back over to Buck. He saw the smirk begin to form again on Buck’s face, but it didn’t have a chance to get very far, as Eddie cupped his hands around the back of Buck’s head to hold him steady as he leant forward and kissed him.
Buck was there with him immediately, his hands reaching up to first grip Eddie’s forearms before wrapping around his waist, stepping in as close as possible as he slotted his mouth over Eddie’s to kiss him back. He was bigger than Eddie, broader, taller - Eddie realised he was actually slightly on his tiptoes - and for a moment he felt overwhelmed. For a moment, he almost froze again. But his fingers slid through the soft curls of Buck’s nape, his chest pressed against the hard planes of Buck’s own, and Buck’s tongue darted out to lick against Eddie’s lips, and Eddie gave himself up to it - let himself be overwhelmed. He moaned into Buck’s mouth, eliciting an answering groan from Buck, and he slid one hand up to grasp more firmly at Buck’s hair while his other arm hooked round his neck and scrabbled at his shoulder.
It was the most on fire he’d ever felt; it was the most at peace he’d ever been. It was everything.
They eventually pulled apart, foreheads coming to rest together as they caught their breath, and Eddie knew his smile was just as dopey as Buck’s.
“You don’t mess with the statute of limitations,” he said.
Buck grinned, but before he could answer the light by the door started flashing and the sound of klaxon bells sounded throughout the station below them, sending Eddie and Buck flying through the door and down the stairs without another word.
Eddie went through the motions of gearing up and jumping on the truck, and it wasn’t until they were tearing out the station and down the boulevard that he even had a chance to try and process what had happened. He’d kissed Buck. He’d kissed Buck. Holy shit.
He should panic right? That seemed like a him thing to do - but he wasn’t. He felt nothing but excitement.
Buck’s foot nudged against his, and he looked up. Buck was staring at him, and when they locked eyes he smiled - it was a new smile, one just for him, and Eddie smiled back.