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Fabian and I have known each other for years now, it was always us together, in school and outside of it, sticking by each other as much as possible, hanging out, just as friends like always. I had never felt anything for another man before, and never thought I would. Apparently I was wrong, and my own feelings started getting in the way of our friendship.
Something about the way his shirt hugged his body today was oddly alluring. It was like when one of the girls wore a tight crop top. I wanted so badly to keep staring, I wanted to run my hands down- no. The way his almost thigh tight jeans, and tight T-shirt looked on him, god, if only I was a girl. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling, and definitely not to Fabian himself, what would he think of me?
Kaylie was talking to us, mostly him, and I was tuning it out unless she was talking to specifically me, I honestly didn’t care about whatever she was talking about. I used to be more interested in what she had to say, but recently it was all the same things she’s already talked about, practically looping her already used conversations. How does he put up with it? How does such a perfect- How does Fabian listen, and find new responses, and add new things to conversations we’ve already had at least three times.
I want to just leave, the teacher is droning on about things I don’t care about, why is culinary even a necessary class? I’d ask to go to the bathroom and just not come back, but my parents would tear into me if I did, so instead I’ll just watch something on my iPad, I can look up any answers I need anyway.
The teacher tells a girl that she got gluten free bread, isn't it that really gross and dry bread? Yuck. I make a joke about how stupid she sounds when the girl tries to explain, laughing at her for apparently being “unable to eat wheat”, how stupid.
He’s laughing at my jokes, and it makes me feel tingly inside, it feels nice. Before this, when he laughed at my jokes I would just laugh alongside him, without a second thought, no tingles, no nausea. But now as I laugh with him, I feel nauseous, and it feels like butterflies are flying around in my stomach.
I feel more proud, confident in myself, but at the same time I’m anxious, nervous that one wrong move and he’ll hate me, which I rationally know isn’t true, but I can’t help but be anxious about what he thinks of me. I don’t care about what others think of me in these moments, only him. I don’t care if the teacher is mad at me, or if the rest of the class hates me, I only care what he thinks, it’s almost like everyone else just melts away, just Fabian and me.
I get a few looks of disapproval from some of the other students, most of them ignore me, and the teacher pauses to glare at me, but that doesn’t matter, I don't care what they think. The only thing that matters in my mind right now is seeing that gorgeous stupid smile, and hearing his laugh.
I’ve caught myself staring at him during class, I really should stop, but I can’t help it, it’s like he’s a magnet for my eyes. Thankfully he hasn’t noticed yet, it’s almost like being caught in a trance, his glasses are like small windows to something beautiful. It's like looking out a window at the biggest, most intricate willow tree, staring at the bark and taking in every single detail that I can within the few seconds I allow myself.
I’ve started thinking about him more often as well, hoping to have some time to talk to him in between classes. We always do, I don’t care about being late to class if I get a few extra minutes, seconds even, to talk and laugh with him. Even if only for a minute, my mind drifts into thoughts of him, what he’s wearing, the smoothness of his voice, the heavenly- I won’t admit it yet. There’s no way I’ve fallen for him, we’re friends and always have been.
We’re making tomato bruschetta in culinary class today. It looks disgusting if I’m being honest, but I can't help but stare at Fabian while he works. It feels almost intoxicating the way he holds himself, the way he speaks, how he laughs at things he finds funny. I can’t help but smile at the thought of him, I’ve been standing still for longer then I should, and didn’t hear Fabian when he asked me to hand him something, he turns to check on me, and I snap out of the daze I didn’t even realize I was in, and I quickly hand him the oil. I need to get a grip, this isn’t ok.
I can’t help but stare as he turns back around to continue working. Kylie catches me staring and asks what I’m looking at, I tell her I thought I saw a fly on Fabian’s shirt, she doesn’t question me. I need to be more careful, wait.. Careful with what?? I am not attracted to him, not at all. I can’t be, it’s disgraceful. I just look up to him, a completely normal relationship between two friends. Nothing more.