Chapter Text
Nicole was fine.
No- really. She knows what kind of look people do give her when she says so, but she actually means it this time.
She’s 18, living on her own, working a full time job…Maybe not precisely but all of it still met the criteria.
She turned eighteen after graduation- or rather after flunking out right before it. The living on her own part is true half of the time, she supposes, because Emily does need her car for whatever shit, like for example going to the Macdonalds (A decision heavily approved by Nicole), or well, driving to work at 6am (Not so much in Nicole’s favor.) But most of the time the car she lives in is indeed empty, and that checks the second one out.
And the third one? Well, she can prove it, or rather Emily does by waking her up at fucking half past six in the morning.
“The fuck bitch?” Nicole mumbled drowsily, trying to put the pillow she managed to steal from her room before leaving for good on her head, to stifle the sound of Emily getting inside the car and slamming the door shut.
Emily yelped, jumped, and bumped her head into the open sun visor where she just began using the small mirror to put on her make up.
Emily turned around to face Nicole angrily, but she was already hidden under her pillow and blanket on the back seats.
“The fuck bitch??? ” Emily repeated and asked at the same time, “I should be the one asking that! You’re the one who keeps sleeping in my goddam car.” She pointed her eye liner accusingly at Nicole.
Nicole groaned, “It’s your fault that you keep getting scared by my presence -“
“Who wouldn’t.”
“-but if you had an actual place instead of a car, then maybe we wouldn’t have this issue every single fucking day.”
Emily tsk’ed in irritation, turning around to her sun visor mirror which now wore make up too.
“See what you’ve done?” Emily asked angrily, motioning to the covered in foundation mirror.
Nicole sighed, knowing that she won’t be able to go back to dreaming of a certain someone. Someone very useless, blonde, and pathetic from her past that she doesn’t think of all of the time at all.
Nicole threw her pillow away, levering herself up on her arms as she blinked the gay sleep away. “Bitch, just like, use the Macdonald’s napkins or whatever.” She replied.
Emily turned around and quirked her eyebrow at that, “But aren’t you like, using these for when you know… when you have to use the bathroom?”
Nicole gagged, while turning to lay on her back “God, no. I just go to the mall. I’m not a fucking savage, Emily.”
Emily shrugged, reaching out for the glove box on the passengers side and retreating with a few napkins. She spat on them and began to clean the make up off.
“Would’ve thought you were one, since, you know,” She eyed Nicole in the now cleaner mirror, “you bathed in a lake.”
“That was once , and at least I didn’t fucking beg Jefferey to borrow money for gas. That’s savagery.” Nicole scoffed.
Emily hissed in annoyance. “I didn’t even have to fucking beg, he basically fell on his knees and handed it to me.”
“Oh, did he tuck them into your pants like they do to strippers too?” Nicole mocked staring at the car ceiling.
“Nicole.” Emily snapped, sounding way more like Nicole’s mother than Nicole would’ve liked to. Yet totes hotter and homicidal. “That money gets us to the place where I get money, for you to have a place to stay at.”
Nicole sighed. Emily was right, she didn’t know why she hasn’t just hooked up with a random guy and moved into his place yet- the way Emily has done -but she was grateful for the fact that she could sleep in a cold car instead of a cold street. Of course her father didn’t buy her a car before he killed himself. Emily was truly lucky.
Also, after a moment of awake almost-sober thinking, she was not risking Emily slashing her own cars tires or setting it on fire whilst Nicole’s still in it. God knows she’s done both before and Nicole wasn't trying her luck.
“Sowwy Emily~” she tried.
“Bitch? Do I look like fucking Jeffery to you?”
“No… but-“
Emily’s eyes appeared in the rear view mirror. “Don’t end that sentence if you know what’s good for you.”
They had a staring contest until the murder in Emily’s eyes got too intense and realistic for Nicole to handle on six am, and she broke it dropping her head back down where her pillow was supposed to be.
She cursed when her head hit the hard seat, forgetting that she just threw the pillow away.
“Buckle up!” Emily threw over her shoulder more calmly now.
“Hah, good one.” Nicole murmured, reaching out to the ground and rummaging through her possessions, which Emily unkindly calls ‘trash’. Nicole pushed her down into it once, when they were mid-making out on the backseat and Emily complained that the space was cramped with Nicole’s shit.
Finally, in between the cans, smoked cig butts, clothes, make up supplies and… uh is that a half finished package of mcd fries? Never mind that, because amidst all of it she found her treasured cherry cola vape.
She took a good hit of that shit and let the smoke fill the backseats. She turned her head and exhaled in Emily’s direction, because Nichole knew that she liked the smell of it. Never tell her that she doesn’t know how to be nice. She’s a fucking saint at this point.
Emily started the car and put on My chemical romance disc on. Again. Don’t get Nicole wrong, she was a hoe for MCR, but to hear ‘I’m Not Okay’ on fucking repeat does not help Nicole with suppressing her irritating thoughts, or making her first statement of the day seem real.
It was a mantra at this point. Ever since Je- The traitor left, it seemed as the only thing Nicole’s brain would keep on looping for hours.
Because she may want to fucking kill herself, but it wont be over her. That’s just too crappy, pulled out of some romance novel or some shit.
So Nicole’s officially ‘fine’ these days. Her rights to not be have been taken away by that bitch.
The road was bumpy and the sun was rising, angering Nicole as it wouldn’t stop shining through the poorly homemade curtains she has made for the car (wouldn’t let no creeps watch her while she sleeps, duh. For free at least.) All of it just made her more awake and conscious of the fact that it was the morning and that she was more and more sober with each moment passing.
Emily used to keep a secret Xanax and adderall stash, but after Nicole would keep raiding it she hid it somewhere in the car. Nicole knew it wouldn’t be in the dudes Emily was staying at place, because he was a total crack head. Emily may be intense but she’s not stupid enough to risk Brad…or Bruce? Finding it… Ben?
Rather your ‘ bff ’ steal your crack than your ‘bf’.
God, Why was she ‘ dating ’ or rather hanging romantically around that bitch again?
Nicole took a long hit of that cherry cola fumes, furrowing her brows.
“Emily, why are we together?” She tried shouting over the music.
“Whattt?” Emily shouted back.
“WHY. ARE. WE. TOGETHER?”
“WHAAAAATTT???”
Nicole groaned and muttered, “Oh for fucks sake, never mind.”
“Okay.” Emily answered.
“Wait, now you heard?”
“What?”
Nicole would throw the pillow at her if she was just a tad more self suicidal today, but the vape was really good, and she was not even half through it yet. That would be a waste.
Well, the day was still young, she had the next 24 hours left to kick the bucket. Let’s see if the vape will occupy her as long as that.
Emily stopped at the red light, (that’s a first?) turned down the music a bit and looked back at her.
“Yo, give me a hit.” She commanded reaching out with a gimme motion, her left hand still on the steering wheel.
Ah, that’s why she stopped.
Welp, 24 hours got cut down to seconds. Nicole took one more longing hit, before practically throwing it at Emily, not wanting to make her madder than she already was in the mornings, but already mourning the lost grace of cherry against her lips, parading inside her lungs. But sacrifices had to be made for the world peace (and her personal safety.)
“Jeez, couldn’t you just have handed me it?” Emily complained, finally driving after having to lean down and find it under her seat.
Nicole shrugged “Can’t see shit thought the smoke.” She suddenly wondered how Emily was seeing anything in this cherry flavored fog, but she seemed accommodated to these circumstances. Bitch probably drove around whilst hotboxing. Nicole couldn’t say that, that wasn’t hot. God, maybe that’s why they’re ‘hanging out’?
Oh yeah, she was supposed to ask.
“Em, why are we romantically involved?”
Emily snorted “God, are you like, a fifth grade teacher now or what?”
“Just answer bitch.”
“Uh, because you’re homeless?” Emily mused. “And hot. Totally hot. Most people get their hot strapped away when they venture into the life of a hobo but you’re keeping it hot, and suicidal enough.
Nicole sighed, ohhh that was why. How did she forget- was that really just a cherry flavor vape? Or was she just going Alzheimer’s??
Wouldn’t the second one grant her a free housing at least? A girl could only dream.
“So,” Emily began, “aren’t you gonna say anything?”
“For what?” Nicole asked.
“For the compliment?”
Nicole rolled her eyes. “It was a fact. Don’t expect people to praise you for stating basic truths. ‘ Oooh the grass is green and 90% of the teachers are either pedos or white nationalists’ woah, bravo, let me award you a fucking trophy of acquiring common knowledge.”
“Nicole,” Emily said sweetly, “chill or I’ll make you work at Macdonald.”
A shiver went down Nicole’s spine.
“Fine.”
Finally after a fifteen minute drive of mcrs I’m not okay on loop they’ve arrived at Emily’s work place.
Emily drove to the closest parking spot to the entrance, turned off her car and got out of it in her ‘Just do it’ black Nike shirt. Nicole sat up and climbed into the drivers seat.
“Why did you turn it off again, if I’m going to be driving anyway?” She complained.
Emily leaned on the cars roof like those weird men do in the movies when they try to be sexy but just end up looking as if they need to take a shit real bad and have to brace themselves for a moment, praying for constipation.
“It’s a reflex.” She explained, shrugging.
“A reflex?” Nicole asked annoyed, “How? You keep doing it every single fucking day.”
“That’s how reflexes work bitch.”
“I mean why do you have it?”
“Well when I was getting my drivers license-“
“You didn’t buy it?” Nicole scoffed in disbelief.
“No, maybe, half-ish-But shut up. Listen, when I was getting it, I couldn’t pass the last exam for the life of me-“
“And you were short on cash.” Nicole added.
Emily gave her a warning look before continuing, “-and it was all because I would forget to turn the car off at the end of every single test.”
“No way? Every single one?”
“Nicole,” Emily said seriously, grabbing both of her hands and looking her deep into the eyes. They probably looked as if mid confession of love or affair, “I would get out of the car, and leave it running. For hours. I don’t know how the engine survived, but the gas money, Nicole, the fucking gas money.”
Nicole just thinned her lips in shock and shook her head in disbelief.
“What did you do then? Like, how did you get so far?” She asked, letting go of Emily’s hand and motioning to the steering wheel and the turned off ignition.
Emily seemed not to like the lack of hand holding, which happened to be a necessary support factor, as she couldn’t just reach for her Xanies and reveal their secret spot. Nicole relented and let her hands fall into Emily’s again. She never could completely figure out if that bitch was on or off prescription until way too late.
“You see, I was seeing this weird guy at that time, and he said I just need to learn by fear, something about lab rats- which was why we broke up, like who the hell compares a girl to a rat lab?”
Nicole just nodded, totally agreeing, saying “Either a freak or a nerd.”
Emily smiled, “Synonyms.”
And then she kept going, “So, when I dropped him, I decided to test that theory anyways. Because you know, he left me barely any drugs and that was the whole point. I had to at least try getting something out of it, or I would look like a dumb whore.”
“So I tried that fear thing, and every time I’d forget to turn the car off, I’d go on my space and post a poem about my true feelings for everyone to see-“
“No.” Nicole said in horror.
Emily just shook her head. “And not the normal suicidal ones, but more like… me missing Christmas or… wishing someone would actually care for me.”
God, Emily really went through some dark shit. And here Nicole was, thinking that her second Christmas killing itself and her best friend leaving her was the end of the world. All while Emily had to publicly humiliate herself in front of millions of people who couldn’t care less about her.
She looked at Emily with a new admiration. Not quite the one she had for Jec- The traitor. But close enough to the one she had for those hamsters who kept running in circles on those tiny plastic wheels until they passed out.
Emily just shrugged, finally leaning away from the car. “Yeah, so unless you wanna move around the illogical fears and paranoias in my brain, Then I’d say we just keep doing this.”
“A homemade lobotomy?” Nicole mused.
“Bye.”
“Make sure to not kill any children today!” Nicole sang in a goodbye, turning on the car.
“Bitch. Make sure not to crash the car, and come get me straight at one pm.
“Yeah, yeah I will, bye.”
“If you’re late again I’ll fucking kill you.”
“BYE.”
Emily finally turned around after Nicole slammed the door shut, and walked towards the worker crisis hotline. Nicole was surprised at how the local death rate didn’t rise to extreme yet. How Emily kept her job was a mystery.
It never ceased to amuse her how Emily was on the verge of overdosing every other night, but at day she’s like some mf Batman, saving people on phone. Well, maybe it’s opposite as she’s the ‘hero’ at day and the guy who fucked bats did it at night, but to be honest? It’s really up to perspective. After all, the people Emily sold drugs to at night probably do think her a hero before she drops the price.
Now, ain’t that shit poetic? Jecka never thought her to be poe-
Nicole slammed on the steering wheel, making it honk loudly across the nearly empty street. The few people passing through jumped, and then gave her a glare, but she didn’t give a fuck about them at this moment. Calm down, okay, In, and out. In an- oh for fucks sake-
She threw herself to the still open glove box and rummaged through it. It felt like living with her mom again, opening the fridge over and over again, everytime hoping to find the food she liked in there, only to be forced to lower her standards slowly until she finally fucking eats that five days old pepperoni pizza slice that even her dumbfuck of a brother somehow wouldn’t touch.
This was a bit harder though, as the glove box wasn’t a damn drug cabinet- or not anymore sadly -and her other top choices were… ahem going from the best to the worst:
Melted mint chocolate
A pack of gum
A Lexus car manual (which was weird because Emily drives a 98 saturn??)
Someone’s passport?
Emily’s underwear
Nicole groaned and reached under the passengers seat instead, wincing when touching something wet there until her fingers finally landed on a boxy shape.
“Aha! Knew that bitch threw it down here, mm now let’s see, banana… milkshake?”
The yellow package of her vape looked deep into her eyes, offering mere 300 pathetic puffs. She groaned, but this was better than cigarettes. Emily knew those weren’t allowed around her, but since they both craved nicotine when they had to stay sober…
The fact that they had to stay sober was a new low. Or well, Emily had to, and if she had to then Nicole had to too, in show of solidarity! (Nicole was too broke to buy her own drugs)
She hit the gas pedal and reversed out of the handicap parking, taking a drag on her banana milkshake pen, making that little yellow light on it glow for her the way Je… the way her eyes used to glow when Nicole looked into them.
See, Nicole never planned on staying around for long. And for the first time she doesn’t just mean dying, but simply the town. She was sure sooner or later her fucking wanker of a brother would get them evicted into Mexico, and she didn’t hold any sentimentality for this new surrounding.
She built up the mentality of not getting used to a place, because it would just lead to the same fucking disappointment as always. Before her father colored his walls in pretty scarlet and early Halloween decorations, she managed to fuck up bad and get attached to her new found pretty girl life and persona. When it all went to shit because of that one abortion her mother missed out on, who now decided to pirate music and get them evicted- again.
And when she reached out for her last resort support system, it turned out that surprise, surprise bitch, it failed. Like real bad, like BOOM right in front of her.
She decided then and there, that she’d never get attached like a fucking pillowcase again, not to a place, nor to a person. And it all went so amazingly well until her .
Nicole took a sharp turn, eyeing the mcd she was passing by sadly. She didn’t have the cash yet for a breakfast, and even if she’ll get some she’ll probably spend it on something funnier than avoiding becoming a skinnier legend, or preventing joining the Guinness book.
She sighed. Nicole didn’t let people manipulate her around, no, she did the manipulating. She removed all the emotional attachment she had from anyone, and just like that was the one in full control.
You can’t get disappointed, screwed over, abandoned or betrayed when you don’t rely on anyone in the first place. It’s a limit that eliminates the dangers Nicole couldn’t handle, but who the fuck knew that this limit which removed so much of the fucking issues in her life, also took away so much of what made life sometimes kinda worth living for.
And Nicole would’ve been fine, she would’ve been fucking fine if she didn’t realize that.
But Jecka had to make her see what she was missing on, making it impossible to retreat. Being around her? It was like being high but for free. Oh gods, and being high while being around her? Believe it or not but Nicole was just such a ho that sometimes she would prefer to sit like a prude, the orange bottles unopened somewhere in the drawer or her school bag, while instead she was just listening to Jecka, looking at Jecka, doing whatever with Jecka- literally that bitch could make a girl feel as if a trip to kfc was a whole damn honeymoon trip for a virgin.
That bitch did not just make a girl yearn less to throw it all to hell and overdose on a random wednesday morning, no, she also could make a girl actually sometimes allow herself to imagine a future that reaches out beyond the current week.
And Nicole knew that it was stupid. That it was all fantasies and fairy tales and that’s she’s not fucking ten anymore to believe any of this, but the thing is that she wanted to. Besides the relief of them together, it did push and squeeze her into seeing the world in another way too. Because if Jecka was this, all of this , then other stuff could be like that too, and they were like that for other people.
Maybe the world wasn’t just what she experienced it to be.
But nope ~ with the p dragged and popped like pink bubblegum.
Of fucking course it was fucking no. Because while it might have been true, it seemed that Nicole didn’t deserve to live in a world she did not have enough experiences of knowing, only the one she knew and already believed in was what she got. And how the fuck do you not believe in things that you can see, touch, and hear? It would take lot’s faith to not smell the coppery stench of blood, see the maroon sprinkled on the walls, and not to hear th gun shot pew and pow all over and over again.
The only ho Nicole would have faith in was that mf traitorous bitch. Huh, did that make her a saint? Or would she have to know that the betrayal was coming at first- (check, always knew it in her heart) -but not give into the delusion of it? (Does it count if she ignored it and went into another illusion?)
This was why Nicole didn’t do sober. And personally, she thinks sincerely that sober wouldn’t do her either.
She sighed as she suddenly came to a halt, parking in front of an park with free 24/7 parking spots.
Now time for her to work. Yeah, believe it or not bitches I am a working woman , she thought.
Turning off the car, she pocketed her vape into her pants and crawled back into the backseat searching through her shit. Finally putting her uniform on, and double checking her pockets for all the shit she needed, she went out of the car slamming the door shut and locking it.
Well, there it goes, work time.