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In another time, he could have been more than angry; he could have been cruel. I know the value of trust, particularly for a man in his position, but I couldn't imagine the personal cost. In another time, I could have been court martialed. Hell, in another time I could have been marched out in front of a firing squad for treason. Fortunately we live in a kinder era, but my mind can't help recalling history lessons of my youth and scandalously violent books read under the safety of a duvet at midnight. I thought of those tales of war and brutality and betrayal; I never really believed I'd be living them.
With another Captain, my career may have been over. With another man, this life I had built may have ended before I could discover all it had to show me.
But it hadn't. Because Archer was, and always would be, a better man than I had ever known.
His words were plain, but his eyes spoke of more, things we could not yet share.
I was grateful to return to the bridge, shamed by the concerned stares of my colleagues but relieved to sit at the tactical station, to be welcomed back to my rightful place.
It was two days later that we shared anything more than an order or a glance across the bridge. Laying awake in the dark with my eyes closed, as far from sleep as I had ever been, I was summoned from my anxious stupor by a gentle knock. After a taking a few moments to compose myself, I dragged my reluctant bones up and answered, knowing he'd be waiting for me on the other side of the door.
When I saw him, I stepped back wordlessly and let the door slide shut behind him. Before I could form thoughts, let alone words, he'd cradled my face in his hands and pressed his lips against my own. I grew dizzy under his intoxicating smell.
Stumbling back, we fell into the bunk and slid our arms around one another. Our hands roamed, nudging hems, collars and cuffs, until we were half-nude and breathing hard. I didn't doubt he sought understanding in me as fiercely as I sought forgiveness in him.
In another time, I may have lost this. With any other man, he may have sealed off the warmth in those eyes, that smile, that heart, the impossible constants to which I had grown accustomed. For a few moments, I felt adrift between worlds, as I struggled to remember I belonged in this one. There was no other time, no other man. Only this.
"I felt betrayed, most of all, because I didn't understand," Jon murmured to me.
In the darkness, I met his gaze, little more than embers smouldering in a distant fire, and found myself anchored.
"I understand now."