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“Oh my god,” Lucy sighs, running her hands through her knotted hair as she stares at the ceiling. “This might have been the worst possible night to run out of protection.”
“You’re telling me,” Tim groans as he shimmies back into his boxers. Since their first date almost three months ago, Lucy and Tim could barely keep their hands off of each other. In the morning before shift, lunchtimes in Tim’s office, before bed; It had practically become their favorite pastime.
“No babies,” Lucy giggles as she situates her own clothing back under the sheets, hoping to add some lightness to the intense air surrounding the couple.
“You know, it wouldn’t be so bad if we had a mini Lucy, or mini Tim, running around here one day,” Tim smiles.
Suddenly, a pang hits Lucy’s stomach. They’ve joked about having children before; hell, Lucy brought up grandkids on the second date. But this time, it felt serious. It didn’t seem like something far off in the future anymore.
“Hey, I’ve told you about my…” Lucy pauses, biting her lip. “Fertility, right?”
Comparatively, Lucy has been pretty open about her situation with her friends in the past. It’s come up in conversation briefly, and she’s not afraid to talk about the fact that she’s likely infertile. It’s something that she’s come to terms with; she knows that even if it’s not traditional, she has options.
But now that she is in a serious relationship, a relationship she strongly believes has a long future ahead of it, she can’t ignore this anymore.
“Vaguely…” Tim says softly, a sense of worry lining his tone.
“Well, I just don’t want to deceive you or give you false hope. I have options, but the chances of me being able to conceive naturally aren’t great.” She chokes as the words leave her lips; she doesn’t quite understand where the rush of emotions has come from.
Tim is silent, which doesn’t seem to be the best sign.
“Yeah,” Lucy thinks she hears him say, but she isn’t exactly sure.
“Hey,” she turns to her side, looking straight at him, but he remains facing the ceiling. “I’m sorry.”
Lucy runs her hand over his cheek; her nail trailing along the slight stubble beginning to appear. “It’s fine, it’s not your fault.”
It’s fine.
Everyone knows that ‘it’s fine,’ typically means that it most certainly is NOT FINE.
“I wish I could change it,” Lucy whispers. She bites the inside of her cheek to stop the tears from burning in her eyes.
“Luce, you can’t do anything about it. I’m not mad.” Tim’s words are delivered in an eerily calm and cool manner. She can tell that he’s trying to contain the disappointment, which almost feels worse than him getting angry with her, telling her that this isn’t what he signed up for.
“Tim, I love you a lot,” she proclaims. She gently slides her hand underneath his shirt and rubs her hand up and down his back. She can feel his heavy breathing and fast heartbeat; both of which are her doing.
“I love you a lot,” she continues, “which is why I would understand if… if this isn’t what you want.”
“Lucy don’t talk like that,” Tim jerks, finally shifting in her direction. “We're at the prime of our careers; you’re about to be promoted and my hours are only getting longer. We’re not having a baby any time soon, so let’s worry about this later, okay?”
Lucy wants to worry about it later, she really does. But every morning before her shower, she stares at herself in the mirror, naked. She looks at her body and runs her hand along her waist, stopping at her stomach. Just underneath the skin, her body is supposed to be carrying out the process to make a baby. It’s what everyone tells her a woman is made for; her job is to become a mother and bring a life into this world. Her body is supposed to support the new generation, creating a new addition. She’s supposed to raise a doctor, or maybe a lawyer. An artist, or a police officer.
But there is a 93% chance that she’ll never have that. And she’s known this for years; she thought that she had made peace with the situation. She had talked to the doctors about IVF, surrogacy, and possibly adoption. But it had all been overwhelming, and a baby wasn’t happening any time soon.
But now she has Tim, someone she sees a future with. Someone she imagines waking up with every morning, and going to bed with every night. She wants to give him everything he could ever want and more; but she physically can’t.
“I- I’m sorry, but I can’t.” She sits up and rubs her eyes, staring down at Tim.
“Luce, can we-” Tim begins, but Lucy cuts him off.
“Do you want kids of your own?” she asks preemptively. “And be honest with me.”
“Yes,” Tim answers. “At the moment, I want biological children.”
“And that might just not happen with me,” Lucy shakes her head.
Tim, now infected by her blatant distress, sits up and joins her. “Is there a way to know for sure?”
It’s clear that he’s trying to be hopeful; the optimism is beginning to piss Lucy off, because she unfortunately knows the reality.
“I need to get tested. They could give me a straight answer, or they could tell me that the only way to know is to try. I’m sorry,” she explains disappointedly.
“If it’s bothering you, let’s take you to go get tested. THe answer could be different than what you’re expecting,” he reassures her.
“I will make an appointment as soon as possible,” she promises, though her feelings are clearly not resolved. “But… what if the answer is no?”
Tim pauses, his mind struggling to form an answer. Not having been in the situation, he isn’t exactly sure how he would react. He can’t promise Lucy that it won’t change things; it’s wrong to lie.
“I- I can’t guarantee you that I'll feel a certain way. But we aren’t there yet. Let’s start the process and worry about it then, okay? We’ve built this amazing thing between us, and there is no sense in ruining it.” He grabs her hand and gently squeezes it.
Lucy wants to agree with him; she wants to focus on the present and enjoy what they have right now. But every time she looks at him, she’s reminded that she’s not enough for him. She’s reminded that she probably can’t give him everything that he wants, and there isn’t anything more horrifying than that.
“I can’t do this to you,” Lucy whispers. She lays back down and turns away from her boyfriend, muffling her words.
“Do what?” he asks gently. He tries to stroke her cheek, but she only burrows herself further away from him.
“The tests, the waiting, the money. It’s not fair to you. You deserve better than this. You deserve better than me.” she cries.
“Honey, don’t say that,” Tim whispers. “I only want you, okay? This doesn’t change anything right now.”
“That’s just it!” Lucy suddenly exclaims. “You say things like ‘right now,’ and I know that you don’t want this. I can’t just- string you along and wait for you to leave me at the last second.”
“We don’t know what’s going to happen,” he reminds her, but she’s stern.
“You don’t want this, I know it. You shouldn’t have to go through this. I’m sorry that I'm broken. ” she chokes, barely able to get the last words out.
“Hey,” Tim reaches across, pulling her towards him. “You aren’t broken, okay?”
Lucy turns around and nuzzles up into his chest, tightly clutched to his body.
“God, I can’t imagine what you’re going through,” Tim whispers, his voice breaking. “It’s every girl's dream to be a mother. This must be killing you.”
“I told you, I made my peace with it a long time ago. I know and am okay with having other options. But you don’t have to do this. You can have the life you’ve always dreamed of; even if it’s not with me.”
“No,” Tim asserts, tears burning in his eyes. “You are the life I’ve always dreamed of.”
“Oh, come on,” Lucy sighs. “You don’t know it yet, but you don’t want to live like this. I can’t let you live like this.”
“What does that mean?” he asks, confused.
Silence.
“Lucy, what does that mean?” he repeats, more urgently this time.
Silence again.
He grabs onto her shoulders and pulls her directly in front of him, staring into her clouded eyes. “Baby, what’s happening?”
“I don’t know,” Lucy mumbles quietly. She doesn’t want to leave him; that’s the last thing she wants. But she also can’t stay in a relationship she knows is a ticking time bomb. She can’t just sit around and act like everything is okay for 3 years, just to get left.
“I won’t blame you for leaving,” she tells him. She knows that children are a dealbreaker for a lot of people, which is why she brought it up early. She wanted to give him a chance to leave before it became more difficult.
“I’m not leaving you,” he assures her. “Why are you talking like you’re going to end this?”
“I don't want to end this,” she cries.
“So don’t!!” Tears are streaming down his face as he looks down at her, scared.
“I can’t put you through this- this uncertainty. I can;t let you live like this just because I don’t work the way that I’m supposed to. Trust me, I wish I wasn’t broken. But I can’t change this.”
Tim’s heart breaks a little with each word that escapes Lucy’s lips. The fact that she thinks of herself as broken is too much for him to bear. Lucy is the light of his life; he has genuinely never been happier. If she left him, he wouldn’t know how to function.
“You aren’t broken.”
“Yes I am.”
“No you aren’t. This doesn’t change who you are, okay? You are the same Lucy who bakes a cake for her friend's birthday; the same Lucy who has never killed a bug. I love you, okay?”
“I love you too,” she remarks, and that is the problem. She loves him too much to let him suffer along with her.
“I don’t want you to hate me,” Lucy says quietly, Tim can barely hear her.
“I could never hate you, sweetheart.”
“You will, I’ve seen it happen. We’ll try for a kid and it won’t happen. You’ll get frustrated and blame me. Rightfully so, but you’ll always resent me for it.” It’s as if she’s planned out their entire future, without a happy ending.
“You’re scaring me,” Tim admits.
“I’m scared too.”
“Don’t leave me,” he begins to cry. “Don’t make any rash decisions, I’m begging you.” His fingers are digging into Lucy as he holds her close. “You’re making a mistake, please, don’t do this.”
“Hey, hey, I’m not leaving you right now, okay?” She doesn’t want to leave him at all. If it were up to her, they would live happily ever after together. “We can decide once we get an answer.”
Tim nods in agreement. It hurts him more than anything to see Lucy so broken down like this.
“I just want you to be happy,” he tells her softly, stroking her back.
“I want you to be happy too. Even if it’s not with me,” she says through a deep breath.
“It will be with you.”
“I don’t want to hold you back. I wish I wasn’t like this.”
“Lucy, it’s okay. We will figure it out.”
“You shouldn’t have to ‘figure it out.’ You deserve better.”
“Stop.”
“I don’t want you to live like this.”
“Babygirl, I’m not going anywhere right now, okay? This is something we will handle together, but it’s all going to be okay. You said it yourself: we have options. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?”
“Mhm,” she hums with a nod, unable to speak.
He lets her lay there for a few minutes, just holding her. He doesn’t know how to fix this; he doesn’t know if he can fix this. But for tonight, he has her.
For tonight, they’re okay. They have each other, and that’s all they need for now.