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Eddie Diaz was happy. Truly and honestly happy in a way that 19-year-old new dad, new husband Eddie Diaz could never have imagined. He was happily dating the love of his life, proud papa of the coolest, most forgiving, and snarkiest teenager he’d ever met, and he was just about to go to town on the best ribs he’d ever smelled.
He was surrounded on all sides by people who loved him. The sun was shining and the kids were shrieking joyfully as Chim and May chased them around the Grant-Nash backyard with waterguns. Athena beckoned Jee towards her behind May’s back, grinning when May spun to target the little girl and shot her mother instead. She pulled the garden hose from behind her back, throwing her head back joyfully (and sparking a sense of belonging in Eddie’s chest) when May stood dripping and outraged.
Maddie had been telling him about a funny call she’d had that week before they’d stopped to chuckle at the Grant-Nash antics. But he couldn’t quite concentrate on what she’d been saying because his ears picked up Buck’s voice not far behind him. He was so attuned to his boyfriend’s voice (not to mention his everything else) that he couldn’t help but zero in on it.
“Yeah. Tommy didn’t want kids and that’s a dealbreaker, because-“
Buck keeps talking, but Eddie couldn’t hear anything but static. Because in the middle of this beautiful sunny day, surrounded by people who gifted him with so much love and happiness, a million miles from the terrified, overwhelmed, unhappy teenager he had been at 19, every single feeling he’d felt in that delivery room washes over him again. Maybe every single horrible parenting fail and every mistake he ever made with Shannon comes along as well because this is somehow so much much worse.
The sun is shining and Eddie’s heart is shattering in his chest. He’s probably not even breathing. His perfect shining future shimmers in his head. The movie nights and sleepy mornings. The trying new things and unending factoid rants. The engagement ring. The happiness. Just. Gone.
“Eddie!” Maddie’s voice suddenly breaks through the fog. He tries to focus on her face, but it’s strangely blurry. Her voice is alarmed though and kinda concerned. He blinks a couple times and realizes there are tears streaming down his face.
“I-“ he tries, but his voice cracks and breaks off. He clears his throat but finds a lump of emotion is what’s strangling him. It doesn’t budge.
He shakes his head and stumbles from the table, knocking his chair over and probably causing a scene, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because this is the most pain he’s ever felt- worse than gunshots and wells. Worse than tsunamis and lighting and three minutes and seventeen seconds. Worse than Shannon leaving him over and over again. Worse than Christopher leaving him behind for Texas. Because if Buck leaves, Christopher would never forgive him anyway. If Buck leaves-
He heads for the bathroom, stumbling and nudging away family members, not really seeing them. He doesn’t feel the hands reaching out to him either; focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. He doesn’t notice a very worried boyfriend waving off the others and following him quietly into the house (Buck knows he can’t really talk when he’s like this.)
He shuts the bathroom door behind him only to hear the distinct sound of someone’s hand in the way. He spins to meet Buck’s huge, worried eyes. Then he starts to shake uncontrollably. Buck’s arms open automatically offering his big wonderful broad chest for comfort. But for the first time ever Eddie has to wrench himself away, a sob bursting out of his mouth and his head shaking back and forth frantically.
Eddie wishes he didn’t know that beautiful face so well because he has to watch as it falls. As the hurt and confusion well up in Buck’s expressive eyes. As his crow's feet pinch, his brow furrows, and his arms drop dejectedly to his sides. His adam's apple bobs and when speaks, he keeps his voice soft and low, like he does on calls with scared kids.
“Eddie, baby, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” Eddie’s hands shake as he brings them to his mouth like that’s gonna make what he had to say any better. Or maybe like he can hide from them. If he can’t open his mouth he doesn’t have to be a good communicator like they agreed in the beginning. It’s not like he hasn’t already failed. Not when- not when they should have talked about this a long time ago and Buck doesn’t know.
“We have to break up.” He hears his voice say. And then he turns abruptly, drops to his knees and empties the contents of his stomach. There’s a couple more dry heaves before he leans his head against the cold porcelain (gross) and sobs. It’s silent except for his own gasping breaths between the chest rattling sobs and the clattering of the toilet as he grips it tight. He’ll have to fix that some part of his mind provides. The part that breaks off and floats away from the rest and stays rational when he’s in panic mode.
Then, after what feels like an eternity of regretting every choice he’s ever made mixed in with vague plans revolving around hardware stores, there are strong familiar hands sliding around Eddie’s waist and a tear soaked face pressing against his neck.
“No.” A voice croaks, sounding nothing at all like his boyfriend. “No, Eddie. You’re not getting away from me that easily. Whatever this is. We will figure it out. Because we are together. Because I know that you love me. Because I know that you asked your Abuela to give you your Abuelo’s wedding ring and that she’d already had it resized. Because we are family Eddie whether you’re ever ready to take that step with me or not. That you’ve thought about it is enough. You are enough, exactly how you are.
“I would fight any battle with you by my side,” Buck’s voice gets stronger and more familiar as he continues, tightening his grip and taking Eddie’s weight when he slumps back at the next sentence, “I would do anything you asked of me. Any kink, any breakdown, or lifestyle change. I would sacrifice anything -except Christopher, I’m sorry, Eds, but son trumps soulmate unfortunately- So as long as you never ask me a question I know you would never ask, then there is nothing that would take me away from you. From our son. And our family. Nothing.”
Eddie sobs and shakes through the whole thing, but he’s breathing almost normally by the end. Buck, now supporting his trembling, achy body levers them up and flushes the toilet, making Eddie wrinkle his nose. He’s gentle as he rearranges them into a more comfortable position cuddling Eddie back into his larger frame and leaning against the tub.
“I’m gross,” Eddie croaks, smiling shakily when Buck laughs wetly and nuzzles his cheek anyway. “C’mon, Buck. ‘M sweaty and stinky and gross”
“I’m sure Athena will let us use the shower.” Buck rearranges them again so he can reach the tiny cups and support Eddie’s sluggish body so he can swish and spit.
“But later,” he adds, sneaking a washcloth out of who knows where for Eddie to wipe his face. “I want to know what brought this on so it can never happen again.”
“I don’t want kids.” He chokes at the look on Buck’s face a little. “Except Chris! I don’t want any more kids.”
“Okay? That’s fine, Eddie.” Buck’s face is still lined with confusion. “I’m happy just the way things are-“
“But you want kids! You want babies and toddlers and diapers and I want none of that!” He’s starting to sob again and his tone is edging toward hysterical. “I can’t do that again, Buck. It’s not something I think I ever really wanted. With Chris-“ he chokes up a bit, but continues “I could never regret him or the things that lead to him being here with us, but if I had had a choice, Buck? I wouldn’t have kids.” Buck’s face crumples and he goes to speak but Eddie continues. “So, so we can’t do this. Because you want a baby and that’s the only thing I can never ever give you.” He jerks his head up when strong, familiar hands cradle his face. Buck sighs heavily, his beautiful smile breaking across his face, genuine relief chasing after it; a hint of mischief in his eye and one of apology across his nose.
“Eddie, sweetheart, you already have.” He says, then pauses, wrinkling that nose in consternation, “I probably could have worded the whole thing better, because I’m pretty sure Hen and Karen are still a little confused out there because we had a situation. But Eds, you didn’t hear the whole sentence, did you?”
Eddie frowns and racks his brain but comes up blank. Buck’s crow’s feet finally switch directions, following more familiar grooves as he smiles even more fully.
“I said,” His words are harsh, but his voice is back to that gentle cadence, “Tommy didn’t want kids and that’s a dealbreaker, because of Christopher.” Buck pauses and watches that sink in, his eyes darting all over Eddie’s face as it does what feels like facial gymnastics. Eddie’s heart swells so big in his chest that he sobs. The leftover tight band in his chest finally loosens but before he can speak, Buck continues.
“We were having that talk, you know, just before you get really serious. And it really threw me when it upset me so much when he said he didn’t want kids. I knew I wanted kids, but I thought I’d gotten out of my system with- well. So I broke up with him. And I fixated on that feeling for months. That there was something, you know, in my brain that I couldn’t understand but somehow knew anyway?
“Then the school called because they needed a chaperone for Chris’ dance and you refused to go alone. Eddie. That was the best night of my life. You said you trusted me with your son so long ago, but that was the night I believed it in my heart. It was also the night I realized that I was in love with you, Edmundo Diaz.” Eddie’s breath catches again but in an exhilarated way instead of a panicked one.
“Me too,” he chokes out. “And then I had a gay panic.” He smiles wryly. Both of them reminisce for a few seconds on Eddie’s fumbling attempts at maintaining space between them but always cracking after a glance at Buck’s baby blues.
“When you came out to me, I had been working up to suggesting a queerplatonic relationship. I had a bunch of bullet points on my phone starting with ‘I’m in love with you’ and ‘I love Chris like he’s my own’ so I did the only thing I thought I could do.”
“You told me you loved me and offered me everything I’ve ever wanted,” Eddie whispers.
“And I got everything I’ve ever wanted,” Buck answers earnestly. He cups Eddie’s jaw to kiss him, but diverts to his forehead at the last minute, making Eddie chuckle wearily. “The love of my life by my side. And a snarky, funny, perfect son who I love with all my heart. I don’t need more babies because the two of you are my everything.”
They sit with that declaration for a moment, smiling at each other softly. Then Buck helps him shift into the shower and digs under the cabinet for guest shampoo, soap, and a toothbrush. He laughs at Eddie’s dumbfounded expression.
“I had a similar bullet point list with Pops. All Athena said was finally when I saw her next and hugged me so tight. So now I’m part of the family here for real. Well, unofficially, which means we aren’t really guests here.” Buck leaves the bathroom to retrieve a towel and a set of clothes from somewhere before turning on the towel warmer. “I’m going to see if Chris can stay the night here and make our excuses. We’ll go home and cuddle for the night, alright?”
So Buck packs them up and takes care of everything. Everyone gives Eddie hugs or tells him to feel better and Jee treats him to sticky cheek kisses. Christopher follows them outside for his own goodbye.
“Dad?” Christopher’s eyes search his face, a perfect copy of Buck’s through examination reflected in Eddie’s own brown irises on the greatest thing he’s ever made. Poor Chris stutters a little on the next part like he hasn’t done in years. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, kid,” he smiles a little at his son’s obvious concern and Buck-like behavior combined, driving home Buck’s point about their son. “I just misunderstood something Buck said and had a little panic spiral. Don’t worry bud, Buck’s got-“
“Your back,” his teenager groans in exaggerated exasperation. But he does give both of them a totally uncool hug before he heads inside, shouting over his shoulder, “I love you!”
Once Chris is safely sorted with his go bag from the trunk, Buck takes Eddie home. He rains kisses all over Eddie’s face after delivering him to the bedroom and loads up soft Spanish love songs from his Spotify. While Buck’s in the bathroom, digging up some diazepam, Eddie changes out of Bobby’s clothes and into some of Buck’s comfiest bedclothes. He also grabs a little something from his own drawer and slides it under the pillow. He takes the glass of water and the pill Buck offers him, downing it quickly and sliding gratefully into the bed.
Buck kisses his forehead again and leaves to lock up the house. Eddie can hear him pacing the familiar pattern. Door, window, window, stove, back door, dryer, window- his anticipation only grows, colliding with the giddy feeling and fed by the bone-deep certainty that settled in on the drive home with Buck’s hand practically cemented to his leg. Buck slides into bed behind him, cuddling close and moving toward their customary cuddle spots when Buck’s hand bumps into the something under Eddie’s pillow.
“Marry me.” It bursts out of Eddie’s chest, riding high on that tangled knot of nerves and glee. “Buck, marry me.”
“Yeah, Eds, whenever you want” pulling the box from under Eddie’s pillow and slipping the ring onto his own finger, smiling fondly. And Eddie is happy.