Work Text:
The room’s dark except for the TV.
Seungcheol has an arm around your shoulders while the other rests on your legs that are across his lap. Your head leans on his body, watching the movie fading to black and cueing the ending credits. You both sit quietly as you let the music fill the silence.
“Are you happy with me?”
Seungcheol’s abrupt question makes you shift to look at him. The TV light casts him in a glow of various colors.
“That was random,” you comment. “Did the movie make you sappy?”
Your teasing smile fades when you realize Seungcheol isn’t humoring your question.
“You’re serious?” you ask, but it’s a mix between a question and a statement.
“Yeah,” he mumbles and glances at the TV again.
“Where did that come from?” you ask.
He sighs and gently untangles himself from you, removing your legs from his lap. He grabs the remote and plunges you both into silence by muting the TV. He cards his fingers through his locks like he’s seriously troubled.
Your hand starts to lift to grab his but stops. You drop it and adjust the blanket you have instead.
“Yes, I’m happy. Are you?” you wonder, heart racing with the possibility of him feeling otherwise. Your fight or flight response tingles in your veins. Surely, this isn’t the beginning of a breakup speech. You’re just overthinking.
“Yes, but,” he starts to say. His two-second pause is enough to make your toes twitch with a need to run. Your heart clenches painfully in anticipation.
“I just feel like I’m not doing enough.”
Your lips dip down. You know you’re not the most affectionate, or when you are, it’s not normally you who initiates it, but you thought Seungcheol knows it’s just because you’re not used to it.
At least that’s what you’ve been telling yourself.
You stare at Seungcheol and see the sadness in his eyes. You slowly realize just how much words mean to him.
You hesitantly reach out. When he doesn’t pull away, you intertwine your fingers.
“You are,” you urge. “I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way.”
“It’s just,” he trails off like he’s not sure if he wants to continue.
“What is it, Cheol?” you ask gently, still nervous for his response.
He heaves a sigh and stares down at your clasped hands.
“I love you,” he says and raises his head to meet your gaze. “I love you and it’s been nearly four months since we’ve gotten together, and I haven’t been able to tell you that. Any time I’ve tried, you’d cut me off. I thought it was a coincidence at first but even now I can see the panic in your eyes. Did I rush you into this? Do you not like me like I like you?”
You try not to avert your eyes because he might get the wrong impression, but you can’t help it. You look down at the blanket.
You can’t deny he’s not entirely wrong. It wasn’t a coincidence. Your heart would race anxiously anytime he’d start saying those three words. However, it wasn’t his fault you felt this way.
“No, and I… It’s not you, Seungcheol,” you say.
“Did someone say something to you about me? About us?” he asks.
You shake your head.
“I’m… scared,” you finally confess quietly.
“Of me?” he asks, pain in his voice that feeds the growing guilt in your chest.
“No,” you say. “Of making it real.”
Seungcheol squeezes your hand. “We are real. This is real. You, me, together. It’s been four months since making it real.”
His voice is strained from worry and confusion.
You nod and swallow the lump in your throat.
“I’m scared that if I say it, then I’ll be too attached. Too dependent,” you say.
You’re scared that he’ll leave you one day.
You learned that depending on people only ends in disappointment. You had leaned on your mother, and she left. You had leaned on your father, and he withdrew. You had tried to lean on your old friends and boyfriends, and they’re no longer by your side. The only constant has been Dae, but that wasn’t an easy journey. For Seoah, she’s always been here but has never been close. No thanks to you. Though, you’ve been trying to change that lately. You wonder if Seungcheol will join that list in the future. It would be easier to move on if you didn’t feel so strongly about him.
But even as you tell yourself this, you know it won’t matter.
You’ve already given him a piece of your heart unconsciously.
“That’s a bad thing?” he asks. “I want you to want me. I want you to confide in me.”
You want to do all those things. It sounds so nice to be able to rely on someone for once. Though any time you’ve nearly caved in, things would go awry. People would leave.
Seungcheol covers the back of your hand with his other. His warmth races up your arm and to your heart.
“I’m not going to hurt you or leave you. Don’t put me in the same category as them,” he says softly.
You bite your lip as you try to push past your fears to believe him. You want to, but it’s not easy to do. It’s not a switch that can be flipped.
“I’ll try not to,” you whisper.
Seungcheol takes a deep breath, then releases it gradually.
You’re not sure if he’s pleased with the answer, but it’s the best you can offer for now.
“I don’t want to rush you. I know, or at least I think, you love me too,” he says, “but at least let me say it. I know it’s not easy for you to say it, and I know actions are important too, but I want to tell you it more. Please let me.”
You nod slowly. Maybe if you surround yourself with love, it’ll get easier to show and say it. Even if you try to deny it, you know you love him. And while that scares you, the severity of which you love him scares you more.
Seungcheol lifts your chin so he can see your face.
“I love you, Cherry,” he murmurs.
Your heart flips at his sincerity. It still makes you nervous, but there’s also a bubbly feeling that you focus on instead. While he looks so honest, there’s a hint of desperation. He wants to hear it.
Your eyes drop down.
“I love you too,” you say quietly.
Seungcheol exhales almost a sigh of relief. He raises your chin again with a smile.
“Wanna try that again and look at me?” he asks, a little playfully to calm your nerves.
You fidget under his stare. Shaking your head, you wrap your arms around his neck and burrow your face.
“Maybe next time,” you mumble. “For now, it’s just I love you.”
Seungcheol chuckles and engulfs your body in a tight hug. He pulls you into his lap and gently rocks you back and forth.
He kisses the side of your head tenderly and says, “I love you too, baby.”
You hum, snuggling closer into his warmth. You hope his words are true. You hope one day you can give yourself fully to him—to love him without worries. You just need time.
Hopefully, Seungcheol is patient.