Chapter Text
You remember when you were a kid. Not that little, about to enter the two digits age club. One of your sisters caught a stray cat, snuck it into the house and fed it scraps while your parents had their hands full stopping your younger siblings from hurting themselves badly.
You remember one of your brothers telling her that it was too feral to be a pet. You had been tempted to agree. It didn't like people at all. It would growl and hiss every time someone would reach for it under the bed. Sometimes even when your sister tried to feed it.
She'd been adamant nonetheless. For days, she would lay at the foot of the bed, murmuring, reaching just out of the hissing zone, going slow or still as it would take to not scare it. With time, the cat grew used to her present. Understood that she wasn't going to hurt it. And, when that happened, the difference was like day and night. It welcomed her into it's space, clung to her like a lifeline.
As you lay some blankets and a pillow on the clocktower floor, beside the bed that you were supposed to have shared with Sif last night, you think back on it. Back then it had been a pleasant surprise. Now, it's clear that the rough start wasn't out of dislike, but fear. The little creature had been mistreated on the streets and was terrified of it's own savior.
You look at the darkness beneath the bed. You can still see the rough outline. He's so still. How terrified must he be right now? The thought alone makes your heart ache.
"It's okay." You whisper to the small form. Maybe they won't understand. Maybe words don't mean anything to him anymore. But tone probably does. Your sister told you that one time after you almost got scratched "We're here with you. We're not going anywhere. We'll wait."
This was a promise to yourself, too. Try and easy them is the least you can do. You had your moment to be shocked back at the House. Now is not it.
It reaches a paw to the blankets, poke it with a hoof. You offer a hand, and the paw retreats almost as soon as your knuckles brush the floor. It makes a starttled sound, not very sheep-like. Or maybe a mix of how a sheep must sound when dying and a baby cry. Could be creepy. Right now it's mostly pitiful. Almost enough to forget how weird the House had been untill finding them.
The House had been an eery and uncanny experience. Even without the familiarity Mira had with that place, it wasn't hard to notice things that should be one way and weren't. Couldn't be farther from being. Less like a building and more like a distorted attempt of one. Haunting or hallucinations, who could tell? It really did feel end-of-the-world. A tough walk, even with Loop helping.
The third floor, on the other hand, was mostly silent. There were ghostly Siffrins there too, but they didn't seen right. They were dark, and alone, not even the mimicries of your group's voices to make them company. One almost lightless, like a shadow. The floors were stained with sadness viscera. And, over a particularly large one, a single sadness that didn't look like one you'd usually run into.
A small, sheep-like form. Lightless wool made from it's own tears, a large crater where the left eye should be, liquidy hair coming out of horns making a hat-like shape, two hooved paws on the ends of the limbs showing that it was a scissors type...
No.
That he is a scissors type.
Sadnesses of lightness tears are very strong, the whole group would have to be careful. But, then and there, Odile had been the only one ready to fight. Mira had given a half sob and tried to shield Bonbon from the sight. A heartfelt but useless attempt. There was no shielding them from reality. What was seen and what it meant became clear much faster than anyone would like.
Despite madame's stance, no attacks came or went. You didn't have the heart to hurt what remained of your friend. Not now, not knowing how much they went through. For you.
By nothing short of a miracle, the trembling sheep didn't either. At worst, it ran. Which was dangerous for any person who could stumble into it, and the sheep sadness itself.
Even m'dame hesitantly agreed that the safest bet would be to take the sadness with you.
No one was ready to part just yet, it seemed. Even if Siffrin was in such a state.
Which, should have been fine. They were looping in time, was what Loop had explained. Going back every time something happened to them, or little after beating the King. Becoming a sadness was... to say it was something happening was an understatement. And that's without thinking about the bloody cloak on the floor and the King's arrogant taunts.
Both things happened. The King was defeated.
The day turned into night. Your memories stayed intact. Loop vanished between losing contact and getting back to Dormont. You're pretty sure this means the time looping is over.
No second chances for anyone. Even if time did reverse, with Loop gone, it would have been all useless. You all would forget and be useless.
The closest you got to a second chance was the silent sadness under your bed (that should be yours and theirs, but now will have to be just yours), found in the safe room you left it in and lured to the clocktower using a bell pendant.
Not an easy task, with how they would get starttled with any unexpected sound or movement. But Mira had been gentle on her coaxing, and Odile and Bonnie had the presence of mind to leave first so to not overwhelm the tiny being.
Leaving Mira's side while she did it didn't feel right. Staying beside her made you feel out of place. You towered over the sadness - your friend. Siffrin has always been small, but clearly had shrunk. From about Mira's height to smaller than Bonbon if not counting the horns. Combined with how scared they acted, you felt like a threat, just existing.
Thankfully, it worked.
Then, as soon as the sound of the door closing was heard, he troted to the room and hid under the bed. No one could coax them into coming out to join supper, much to Bonnie's dismay. Even after Odile pointed out that nobody has seen a sadness eating and it might not need food at all, being there would be enough.
The thought of Siffrin never eating is, something. Wrong, mostly. The thought refused to settle. To sit on your brain in a way that makes sense. Not with memory of puffed hamster cheeks, glad hums with chewing, crumbs left unwiped while asking for seconds, sparkles on their eyes with just the presentation of something they participarly like, still clear in your mind.
Everything you know has been scrambled and turned inside out. But, Change is destruction. That's why you haven't cried, after all. You, of anyone in this tower, should know better than to mourn for what's just different. This is Siffrin, even if they can't talk and joke with you anymore.
(Not that you blame Mira or Bonbon for being shameless with their weeping earlier)
After all, they haven't attacked. A sadness that doesn't lash out or worse is something unheard of as far as any of you knows. Their last interactions hadn't been the best. They were squimish and jumpy because they feel they did something wrong. Not because they didn't recognized any of you.
Right?
(Did he die thinking you all hated him? You didn't. You were mad and confused, but not hateful. You didn't hate him. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't)
You can't give up on them. Not when there might be a chance that they're still here. Not when they suffered alone trying to save everyone. It's not fair. You can't make this worse.
(Did they have a family to go back to? That will miss them? Anyone besides four people they've known for less than a year who will even care about what they went through?)
But how do you help?
Even after talking, he stayed cowered. But a far cry from that feral cat, and your sister tamed it. That gave you hope. A small thing, but there. You just need a better idea.
You're not... supposed to be on a rush. But, you don't like the thought of Sif staying under the bed you intent to sleep on.
Should you act on it, then? Touch has always been off the table. When it came to Siffrin, reaching a hand was as good as a smack.
But, they were different now. Would that be different, too? From what you can see, they don't really understand what you say. But you want them to know. That you're not a threat. That not every hand is to hurt.
(Maybe, if you're gentle enough, show them enough kindness, he can understand. Maybe it could bring them back. Maybe, if you make them happy, they won't have to be a sadness anymore.
You know this isn't how it works)
You reach under the bed.
You won't try to pet him like an animal. It would be degrading, right? Something small. Something harmless.
More used to the dark, you can see that the hooves are hidden under the bulk of the wool. You're not risking touching a mass of tears. That leaves one option. You barely breath as you move. You go as slowly as you can. If they need to get away, or give you a warning, they can.
They stay still untill your finger touches their cheek. They flinch so violently an outsider could think you punched him.
(That's Sif alright)
You're tempted to pull back, but resist. They're shaking, the head moves slightly up and down in a way akin to someone panting. Notably, doesn't pull back.
They feel, cold. Not in a icy way, but a somewhat soothing coolness, like a breeze on a hot summer day. Do they feel cold like this?
You watch the shaking easy down. You watch their head move just enough for you to notice what they're looking at - the blanket.
"Cold?" You trace your finger down their cheek. You want to wipe those tears off.
You use your free hand to lift the blanket, slow to not spook them.
"We can share, if you want. Be close. Like old times."
You'll likely give the others a good scare and look as stupid as it gets when Mira has to unfreeze you (If. If she has to. You're not sure yet). On the other hand, even if Sif doesn't come, it's more progress then you could hope in so little time.
They're watching you with an unblinking stare.
You see their limbs leave the tear wool. They crawl on the floor to join you on the blanket, slow and as anxious as you expected.
It's still bold. To do something even when scared. But, this is bravery is, not the lack of fear.
Sif had always been brave.
(You'd know that. You remember their face right before a large sadness struck it. You remember shaking when their struck back. You remember their smile when you told him after two days of slipping in and out of consciousness that Bonbon was well)
He's so close to you. Closer than any time you shared tent or bed. It really must be scary.
A sadness resting near your chest. So close you wouldn't be surprised if it can hear your heartbeat. In most instances, that would spell death.
But, the blankets you're holding keep the warmth and shade even as the sheep curls on them. You drop them, making sure Sif can see what you're doing.
Not that it's hard. They're still staring.
"Ba..."
Oh! Were they trying to communicate? It does sound more deliberate than the cries at the House. Maybe you can translate the sounds with time and practice, but you're getting ahead of yourself.
"Babo?"
They didn't sound confident saying that. Well, saying is... a strong word, but...
"That's good." Maybe encouragement can help with communication. And, crazy as it sounded, you were already proud of them "Can you say Beau? Just Beau."
It would be nice to have your old nickname back, but also might be asking too much. Not to mention, any sound that didn't sound like a sob or wail could very well be a lot.
"Be... Beau?"
They seen to be curling to sleep. Does a sadness need to sleep? You don't remember seeing one that wasn't awake. Not like you stayed around a sadness long enough to check.
Guess you're bound to figure out now.
"Beau."
This sounded more confident.
"That's right."
As gently as you can, you pat their, forehead? It's a bit awkward with the horns. This is further than you ever went with them as a person. With not liking touch and all. But this time touch seens to be working. Sure, they were fearful at first, but thankfully it was just at first. All things considered, this was an amazing outcome.
"And you're Sif. Our Siffrin."
They make a noise in response, like a hiss without the whistle, then what is unmistakably a frustrated noise. Are they trying to say "Siffrin"?
They don't seen able to. He won't be able to properly introduce himself. One more thing taken away. Your heart sinks.
You want to hold them to yourself. Keep them close and safe like the precious little thing he is. Make sure they don't have to feel scared ever again. Tell them they are loved, even if you can't use your words.
Have you... ever used them?
"A coward, Isa. Never able to say what you mean, never able to do what you want. Because it's easier, isn't it? To not do anything?"
... Guess not.
And, it's too late now, isn't it? Sif won't understand you. Saying it now won't do any good. Would just cowardice.
Not that they were wrong about that. Changing yourself because it's easier than liking yourself, but still the same at your core.
(A circle inside a circle inside a circle)
In that sense, you two weren't so different, were you? They hid things from the start. Kept doing so untill it broke him.
A match made in stagnation.
"I love you." You say to the little sheep, because you couldn't say it to the Siffrin who needed to hear it, so you have to tell the Siffrin you have.
(Something have to change. Make this song and dance stop. And will have to be you)
They make a small noise. You don't think it means anything.
You see them move under the blanket, letting their back (lower?) paws stick out.
They scoop closer, in a way Sif never had before. Your face and neck get hotter as they press to your side.
Was this okay??? Would Sif be fine with this if they knew? To be fair, they did make the first move, but!! Not 100% aware of himself! Right?
"Beau. Babo."
Oh Change, they are so cute.
It's you. They know it's you. They're calling your name.
You want to shove your face in something and scream, but in a good way???
...
Would it be taking advantage of them? To indulge in this? To hold them when you never did before? When Sif never let you before?
But this – it seemed to be helping. The shaking stopped for now. They seen more at easy.
Your arm wraps around them, and you wiggle around so it'll be more comfortable for both of you. It sinks into the wool to show they're even smaller than the "cloak" shows.
Your own lack of surprise hurts.
They feel cool, a nice counteract to how you're often overheated. Their wool is surprisingly nice to the touch, too. Despite being made of tears, it doesn't't feel like putting your arm in water, if vaguely damp-ish – not sure how this works, but what do you know about sadness anatomy? – but soft in a weird way. You expected weirdness, but, this is weird like a lion giving you candy, not like-
Well, like hugging a sadness.
"Sif." You call back, just to have something to say. They already called your name a few times, it's only fair "Siffy. Siffer. Siffaroonie."
Behind you, you hear Mira grunt. Oops. Remember to keep your voice down.
He has pulled all four limbs back, hidden under the tear wool. Their head is pressed to the side of your ribcage, and you can tell that they're being careful with their horns. Enough presence of mind to do that.
Their eye closes, finally breaking the staring. The crater is still wide open.
"Booo..."
He... trusts you.
You feel the vibration coming from all of their little body, then they go still. Your only indication that that he's still here the huffs of breath hitting your side.
This is okay. It is what they need and- and you think you need this too.
Hugging is a different way of contact than Sif would give. But, if they were not Sif, they wouldn't trust you enough to come so close. Specially not so fast.
After today. After everything. Talking with Mira and Odile. Hugging Bonbon and promising that you'd both come back with Sif. Hugging Mira when it became clear they were too scared to leave their little space under the bed.
You... needed this. The comfort. A hug that wasn't for anyone else but you.
Well, Siffrin probably needed a hug too. But, holding the still sadness is different to trying to console someone. When you run your hand up and down their back, it's not just to soothe him. It helps ground you.
They're not gone. Not fully. Even if this is just a half life, it's still theirs. They should live it.
They don't seen averse to what you're doing now. Maybe tomorrow will bring more steps.
You think Mira would like to hug them, too.
The longer you stay like this, cool and soft small body pressed to yours, the more tired you get.
No, that's not right. The more you feel it.
Today was a long and horrible day. And now things are different. Everything changed.
Some changes are harder to accept than others, but have to be accepted nonetheless. If not celebrated at least appreciated for not being worse.
Of course, you would have preffered if things went differently. If the four of you had arrived a little earlier. If you had find him just frozen and the King's defeat could get them moving again. If you all could unpack the last two days and get real answers and closure.
On the other hand...
Your eyes sting.
They could be really gone. You could have arrived much later. They could have find, before or after the King, a sadness strong enough to take them out. They could...
They could have acted like it's usual for a sadness. Not recognized any of you. You might have had to attack them. Put them out of their misery, just like so many others before.
You haven't cried all day. Now, you finally can start.