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The first thing Jude notes when he wakes, is how much lighter the bed had gotten, and how much colder he is, despite the fresh bed sheets coveringg himup to the shoulders. He doesn't remember falling asleep with one on.
Back when it was just the three of them-- Milla, Alvin, and Jude-- it wasn't like they had much money to spare, so every once in a while if they were lucky enough to rest a night at an inn, there would be just enough money for a two-bed room. Milla took one, Alvin and Jude took the other (Milla never understood why wouldn't one of them just sleep next to her every once in a while. Jude sputters and bites his lip by accident, Alvin laughs and leers and recieves an embarrassed pinch to the side).
It always ended up being the two of them. Even as three more comrades, two silver and the other gold, joined the group, and more rooming variations were made available, it was just a habit that they never seemed to bother to kick. Jude silently blames it on being an only child, and missing the sleepovers he and Leia use to have. Alvin probably thinks it's "cute", and doesn't bother trying to change it up.
He doesn't want to admit that it bothers him-- waking up in the middle of the night every once in a while and feeling no one there. Even as Rowen's near-silent and almost comforting snores sounds just another bed away, it wasn't quite the same. It's pretty embarrassing, feeling almost clingy and needy. He never had this problem growing up and away from sleepovers back in Lu Rondo, after all, boys can't sleep next to girls forever, people would get the wrong idea, all those adolescent worries. It's not like he was particularly lonely at school back at Il Fan either despite not really having many (or any, sans Ms. Pran) friends to speak of, but despite all that, it doesn't stop Jude's constant tossing and turning, and the racing thoughts and worries clouding his head, 'Is he alright?', 'What's taking him so long?', 'What if he betrays--' and stuffing his face into his pillow halting any traces of those kinds of thoughts, and the heavy sighs aimed mostly at himself.
Normally, he would be trying and failing to force himself back to sleep until Alvin came back, in which he would squeeze his eyes shut as if he had been all along. He would try his hardest not to react to the sinking weight of the left side of the bed, nor to the well-knowing hand ruffling his hair softly. Tonight, just for tonight, Jude decides to give that up. The night is much too young for Alvin to be coming back anytime soon, so there's really no point in pretending to sleep until then. It's not like he can pretend that he doesn't wonder just where Alvin goes either, and honestly Jude's getting quite tired of accepting the "sightseeing" and "midnight stroll" excuses when he asks him in the morning. He's perfectly aware that Alvin is technically grown adult, and can therefore do whatever he wants and whenever, but curiosity and concern-- as always-- ends up winning over his logic. Mindful of his elder sleeping soundly in the bed next to theirs, Jude takes up his boots and slips out of the room silently and barefooted, and only puts them on once he's out and heads out of the inn.
Being out at such a late hour in this town for the first time, it's the first time Jude actually realizes just how utterly different the battle city of Shan Du is from daytime-- the constant clashing of swords and deafening roars of the crowds from the Collesium along with the squawking of tamed monsters and the bright voices of merchants were practically part of the scenery, so it honestly felt almost jarring to not hear the same kind of boisterousness walking through the town, even though it's obviously to be expected. There weren't as many stars to be seen as there was back in Il Fan or even Lu Rondo, the torches scattered throughout the city hiding pure view of the night sky. Jude found himself comparing other cities to Il Fan and Lu Rondo much too often lately. Maybe he was more homesick than he originally thought.
One of the stressful parts about Alvin is you can't find him unless he wants to be found, and being inside of a monsterous town like Shan Du on top of that, it's exactly like finding a needle in the hay. Somehow though, it seems like Jude's luck hadn't been completely run dry, and he spots Alvin only a mere couple of yards away, at the enormous bridge in the heart of the town. He's leaning casually over the edge and facing north of the river, facing opposite of Jude. Jude's feet automatically started toward him, relieved-- but he halted. He actually hadn't thought this far ahead, and whether or not he actually wanted to be discovered by Alvin. It would be so embarrassing if he figured out Jude couldn't sleep just because he somehow had gotten too used to Alvin's presence and is bothered without it, he would probably make stupid comments like "Can't sleep without your favorite teddy bear?" or "Too cute", or something stupid like that, but before he finished calculating all the cons of being found out, his feet apparently decided to skip over the results and proceed to land him only a couple of feet away from the older man, at the mouth of the bridge.
He hesitates again, biting his lip, Alvin had definitely noticed him by now, even if he hadn't budged an inch or even glanced at him-- it was just yet another stressful part about him. It's strange though, that he hadn't bothered to call Jude out like he normally would've, or even shoot a knowing smirk in his direction. It bothers Jude more than anything sly that would have slipped out of Alvin's mouth. Better the devil you know and all that. So he draws closer-- close enough that there was at least an arm's length between them. Alvin hardly moves, but at least spares him a glance this time and a quick, greeting quirk of the mouth to in an attempt to put Jude somewhat at ease. Instead of voicing out any of the worries and nags that swam through his mind, Jude faced the river and quietly stood next to him in silent companionship, hands gently resting on the railing. No words are exchanged for a couple of minutes, but even the very seconds in between felt like each day. It wasn't as if anything was wrong, but for some reason, the atmosphere's almost suffocating somehow. His intuition tells him something happened, as if it wasn't obvious enough with how silent the man beside him is being. Jude still wishes it would be wrong every once in a while.
"I was visiting my mother", were the first words breaking the almost three-minute silence between them, confirming it. The words were light enough, but Jude's stomach suddenly felt exactly opposite.
He and Milla had seen Ms. Laeticia every once in a while, keeping track of some of Alvin's little sidetrips. He wasn't stupid-- he knows most of the faces the older man put on in front of him and the others were more or less for show. It came with the job, or something like that. Jude had thought that maybe it would nice if he could visit the man behind the curtains every once in a while, get to know him, maybe. Maybe the visits to Ms. Laeticia's room could pass as sneaking glimpses backstage, in a way, catching the actor behind the silly mask. But what he ended up seeing was just something he wasn't prepared for. Never would he had ever been able to imagine Alvin showing such raw, tangible pain before then.
Jude couldn't, and didn't even want to imagine the pain of his own mother slowly dying from sickness, forgetting his face. It's not a wonder that Alvin barely manages to keep it together even when company's around. The fact that Alvin loved her with all his heart was one of the few things he didn't bother to try to hide.
"... How... is she?" Jude finally starts, doing his best to look anywhere but Alvin's face. He keeps his eyes busy with the river below them instead, chasing every glitter of the white moon's reflection on the surface.
"Not any better. Worse, probably", Alvin answers back in the same easy tone, as if he were talking about his day. It was another bullet point on the probably-endless list of stressful things about Alvin-- dropping bombs as if they were paper trash into the gutter. Jude felt his heart move in the direct opposite position of Alvin's voice. "Sweet of you to ask, though" The older man adds, probably genuinely but definitely unhelpfully.
"I'm--", he's what? Sorry? That probably isn't something he would want to hear were his mother sick. What is he even sorry for, sorry to hear that? Sorry for asking? Maybe he's sorry that he tracked him down in the first place just because he missed having that sturdy warmth at night, or that he just doesn't know what to say to make it easier. Despite that, Jude couldn't and didn't want to leave-- it was never in his nature to leave the suffering behind, even when it got him into trouble. Regardless, it didn't change the fact that he can't come up with anything to say to something so heavy. So, he continues to stare out into the river instead, hands gripping the rail of the bridge a little tighter with anxiety and frustration at himself.
He feels a warm and familiar arm wrap around his shoulders, bringing him close. Strangely enough, that alone starts to easy his anxiety. "It's rude to trail off like that, Honor's Student. Keeps people wondering", the same pleasant tone Alvin always carried came much closer, breath tickling his ear and causing Jude to jump a bit.
"I'm sorry. I just ... " Jude feels himself trail off again, face growing a little hot-- he may be relieved but it didn't mean he was completely used to the proximity as of yet. He's still not looking at Alvin, though more out of the usual awkwardness than the anxiousness from before.
"Ah, ah. Doing it again. Ten points off."
Jude quirks an eyebrow. "Since when did this become a quiz?"
"Questioning the professor? Twenty points off!" Alvin tisks in mock-disapproval.
"Oh, please!" Jude chuckles a bit, finally giving in looking up. He meets with Alvin's usual wide grin and even a wink of approval for finally meeting with his gaze. So he was clearly alright enough to joke around a bit, and even cling to him the way he always does. Jude didn't feel as awkward as he did anymore, but it's not like he's forgotten the original topic. His smile falls somewhat, and he looks away again. Alvin's arm is still around his shoulder, comforting.
Jude feels himself leaning into it, just a bit. It's late and he's tired, after all. It's not like there's much people around, either, aside from a couple of drunken stragglers and unfortunate late-shift workers rushing home.
"It's something everyone has to go through sometime," Alvin starts again, after a minute. "Some are just a little unlucky enough to go through it earlier than others. Not saying I'm old, obviously, but I think I'm about at the right time don't you think? Mom's not all that young anymore, either."
Is there really a right time to go through something like this? But you're still so young. It's so unfair. I'm sorry. Jude doesn't voice any of these, and lets Alvin continue.
"Doesn't make it suck any less, obviously. But honestly, I can't say it's all that bad," Alvin's voice drops an octive lower, a pitch softer. "She gets so happy, remembering Alfred."
Jude remembers. Ms. Laeticia's quiet but warm voice laughing out at memories of her crybaby son. She would laugh fondly about memories Alfred bursting into tears when the flowers he used to bring to her ended up wilted, how shy he used to be around strangers, the two beautiful cats he brought home once, where he is now and how he's doing and how he never visits anymore. Talking about all of these made her so happy. Even with scattered and blurred memories, the love of a mother for her child is unbelievable. Jude wish he had understood it sooner, maybe he'd be able to reach out to his own mother better. Reach out and hold on to her as long as possible, as hard as he had when he was a child. Maybe he will when he gets home, make up for lost time.
His hand unconsciously reaches for Alvin's dangling one over his shoulder, squeezing it softly, comforting.
"Say, Honor's Student," Alvin says after a beat. His tone sounds as if he's trying to play it cool, as always, but there was a faint strain that Jude almost misses.
"You're smart, right? What do you think she would say, if she finds out Alfred is gone?" The arm around Jude's shoulders suddenly feel like lead, the hand he's holding being utterly still. "Do you think she already knows? She hasn't seen him for years. He never visits anymore, no word from him, nothing. But she still laughs, she's still so happy talking about him all the time even when the brat has never shown his face and never will again. How can she still be so happy?"
Jude pauses for a long moment, his hand never moving from Alvin's, never moving away from the arm around him no matter how much he felt his shoulders strain from the almost dead weight. He knows he's behind the curtains right now, after the play. This time, he's being personally invited by the actor himself. It's exciting and nerve-wracking, and he knows one wrong word can mess up his chances to reach out further, and reach in.
But Jude's always worked well under pressure, and all he knows are theories and facts, so he sticks with them like he always has. He holds onto Alvin's hand a little more firmly.
"I think the reason she's so happy is that she knows Alfred is still out there, somewhere" he finally speaks after a minute or so.
"Where is he, then?"
"Maybe ... he's in hiding. Ms. Laeticia said once that he was easily frightened, didn't she? Maybe he's just scared."
Alvin is silent for a while. "And what do you think he's so scared of?"
Jude pauses for a bit, thinking.
"He's probably scared of ... what she'd think of him after all this time. Hearing her go on so much about how he used to be when he was younger so fondly, maybe Alfred's scared that she'll see how much he might have grown up from that, from how much he might have changed and that ... She's probably won't love him anymore, because of who he might be now." He stops for a moment, he knows this is all theory and intuition, and a risky theory at that. There's always the off-chance he's totally off, and end up making a fool of both himself and Alfred.
His intuition hasn't been wrong before, though. Hopefully his lucky streak lasts. "I don't think he should be, though. Afraid, I mean."
Jude hears the genuine surprise in Alvin's question. "Oh yeah? And why's that?"
This time, he has facts to back it up. It's not exactly ground-breaking, though. "Because she loves him. She'll always love him, no matter who he's become."
As much as Jude disliked it, he's fully aware that he doesn't know everything about Alvin's life. He's not even sure if he knows half or even a quarter of what he's been through, so he doesn't pretend to know everything. He simply juggles ideas but stand firm to his facts, it's all he's ever known. Alvin's silent for a long while, and Jude can't help but worry that through it all, maybe he has said a little too much. He jumps a bit though, when he eventually feels the larger hand under his slip away and instead moves to cover his own instead, squeezing it lightly. Any worries that he's gone too far instantly evaporates. Any worries that he was wrong go with them.
He had almost forgotten how close Alvin was, and shudders slightly and the sudden warmth in his ear. The voice he hears is the one he's only ever encountered in Ms. Laeticia's room.
"Thanks."
By the time Jude finally looks up to see his expression, he's greeted with the typical grin once more. Before he knew it, he finds himself suddenly being pulled along by their already joined hands across the large bridge back towards the inn. "Isn't it long past your bedtime, young man? Early bird gets the nerdy bookworm and all that!" Alvin laughs.
Jude is stumbling behind him, caught off-guard by the abrupt movement. "Wha-- You don't have to hold my hand, you know!"
"Don't be so shy. You sure weren't before, getting all snuggly with me under the moonlight." Alvin looks back at him with a too-suggestive wiggle of the eyebrow.
Jude's face could not be hotter. "I-- I wasn't snuggling you...!?" Keeping this up, he could probably write a term paper about how stressful Alvin is, were he still in school. He jogs a little to catch up with Alvin's wide strides, trying hard to be irritated.
"At least don't drag me around, " He tries not to acknowledge their hands still entangled together, nor the way he firms his grip somewhat, nor the burn on his cheeks not going away. It would give Alvin too much satisfaction, and he wants to pretend to be annoyed a little longer. Jude huffs at the mocking "Yes, sir" he recieves, but ends up smiling to himself anyway.
He blames this on being sleep-deprived, but he slowly shifts his fingers so that they're actually laced in-between Alvin's larger, stronger ones. His fingers slipped between the older man's spaces almost perfectly, and even through each other's gloves, the heat behind them warded off any chill brought on by the night. He feels Alvin grip back, and it makes him feel almost giddy for reasons his mind isn't able to process at the moment. Jude was definitely tired.
But of course, his smile doesn't go unnoticed for long. It probably never did in the first place. "Oh? What's this, what's this? Is the little underclassman feeling lovestricken now that his senior's holding hands with him under such romantic atmosphere?" Alvin steps closer to Jude as they walk together, bumping their shoulders. Jude chokes. "Or maybe someone's happy to have his favorite teddy bear back, I know how hard it is to sleep without him."
Jude's face burns worse than ever, and he bumps Alvin's shoulder back, roughly. "Oh, stop it."
Their fingers stay entangled through the way.