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She had many secrets, but most important of all was in the form of a book best kept deep inside her cosy flat. Her living room was filled with books, stacked on the floor, on bookshelves and every possible surface, so it wasn’t hard to hide it among them. It wasn’t just another novel in her collection. It was Whistledown’s Modern Spell Book — a practical guide for practical witches. Written by her, Penelope Featherington.
Why Whistledown’s then? Pen wasn’t stupid, she wouldn't sign the book with her own name. In the best-case scenario, someone could’ve thought she was a lunatic, and in the worst-case scenario, someone could discover it really was a guide full of potion recipes and spells. Not all of them were dangerous. Sometimes she would use it to warm her already cold tea. But some witches, just like her mother, would use potions for their own wicked purposes.
Penelope wasn’t immune to the temptations of fulfilling her dreams or taking revenge on her school friend Cressida Cowper, but she still mostly kept to her rules.
It was extremely important to hide the spell book when Colin was in town, or in the country in general. He had been her friend since they were not old enough to watch telly after 8 pm, and yet he didn’t know about her not-so-little secret.
It wasn’t hard at the beginning, as he wasn’t visiting her small, dusty flat often, and Pen was smart enough to convince everyone she was just obsessed with herbs and mythology, nothing suspicious.
As their friendship grew, she had to be more careful.
Colin was always interested in everything about Pen, especially the books she read. He’d poke around, browsing through books, every time finding something new. So every time Colin was about to visit her, she’d put the guide in her drawer and lock it. Safety first.
The problem was, Colin had just returned from his trip to Boston, and he wanted to see her… today. It wasn’t inconvenient just because she had to hide all of her ongoing magic experiments, but also because Penelope was continuously, quietly in love with him. So in love that every time she broke her crucial rules about using magic, it was for him.
She’d made him realise his girlfriend had been pregnant with another guy, by offering her coffee with a pinch of ash of honesty. She’d enchanted each of his flights so that he would always arrive home safely. It was hard not to break rules for Colin Bridgerton. Her mother would be proud… or furious.
But this time Penelope wasn’t driven by such noble reasons, and she never felt closer to her mother.
She was desperate, she was the loneliest she'd ever been in her own life. Eloise gradually drifted away, engaging herself in serious, social matters, and she had no one to lean on. She’d tried to go on dates, but it’s hard to commit when you don’t trust anyone enough to stop keeping secrets. So Penelope lost all hope, trying to accept her fate.
But as a prisoner can say their last words before their execution and eat their last meal, she wanted something for herself too. Just one small thing to remember. She could survive being alone, she really could, but not knowing the taste of love would be her biggest loss. She’d been a romantic, after all. So she made up her mind. She decided to think about herself for once in her life and promised herself to never do it again.
She opened her emergency cupboard. It looked like a small pantry with compotes and homemade syrups, but it was, in fact, her collection of different potions, although she didn’t like that word. She preferred elixirs.
Penelope was cautious and ready for every occasion, so she had elixirs for different illnesses, for honesty, but she also had one to fall in love. It was a small, unassuming bottle with pink liquid inside. Penelope had made it a long time ago, for practice, but she never threw it away, so it stayed there, dusted for years. Now, for that one, awful indulgence, she decided to use it on Colin Bridgerton.
It wasn’t like Penelope wanted to manipulate her dear friend into falling in love with her, that would be incredibly cruel, yet not surprising for her family. She simply wanted to feel his love for a second, for one moment to be a victim of his feelings.
The plan was pretty simple, she’d add a few drops of her love elixir to his drink, revel in his love for a few minutes. Then, offering him another tea, she’d slip some antidote to reverse the effect of her meddling with Colin’s feelings. Easy, non-threatening, and only a bit morally grey.
She heard the doorbell, so she pushed both the love elixir and the antidote into the huge pocket of her cardigan, fixed her flowery blouse, and rushed to open the door.
Colin greeted her with the most enthusiastic grin.
“Pen, god, I missed you!”
As soon as she closed the door behind him, he picked her up in a tight hug and twirled them around, laughing. It took him a while, and some shrieking from Penelope, to put her down.
He looked relaxed, as he always looked after every trip. His hair got longer and curlier, and he seemed taller somehow. With age, he had started to carry himself more elegantly, but that was probably a Bridgerton thing. Eloise’s posture also had changed recently, she reminded Pen of a swan. So it was definitely a Bridgerton thing.
“I missed you too, Colin,” she said genuinely, but it was hard to look him in the eye, especially when she had her awful plan still in her head. But it was now or never.
“You look very pretty,” he smiled at her, and she felt a pang of well-deserved guilt. On the other hand, she never wanted anyone to fall in love with her more than she wanted him. Just for a bit.
“Thank you,” Pen looked at her shaking hands and put a fake smile on her face.
Colin knew her flat, so he quickly found his favourite place on the couch. Maybe that could be enough for her? Just him in her flat, smiling at her, talking to her.
“Oh, and don’t worry, I brought something for you, but it’s pretty heavy, so I need to steal Ant’s car to be able to give it to you.”
“Colin…” Pen felt it was too much. “You are far too generous.”
She was still standing, hovering over him.
“That’s. Not. True.” He pointed out to her. “You deserve it. Actually, you deserve even more.” Colin shifted on the sofa. “So, how are you? Any new books?”
She wanted to kiss him so bad, he was the kindest human on earth. She was absolutely convinced one strand of his beautiful hair prepared with some Sonchus oleraceus could solve most problems of humanity.
Penelope flinched, dragged away from her thoughts. Now or never. Now or never, Pen.
“Just let me… make you some tea! Okay?” She prayed to every possible force of nature to calm her down. She couldn’t stay so stressed if her plan was about to start. “You can check my books, and I’ll be right back.”
Colin stood up and shook his head sceptically.
“Pen, actually, can I have coffee instead?”
She agreed, already moving to the kitchen. It was hard not to panic. Penelope wished she had her Modern Spell Book with her because there was a tiny chance the elixir wouldn’t work with that much caffeine. She’d have to study more, but it was too late for that.
Pen prepared coffee for him and tea for herself. She cautiously stuck her head out of the kitchen to check if Colin was still browsing through the books. He was reading an old volume of The Colour Of Magic. She could only hope Terry Pratchett would help her this time.
After exactly four drops landed in Colin’s coffee, Penelope came back and put two mugs on her side table. Luckily for her, he loved to eat and drink, so he always finished everything quickly. She hoped it would be the case this time too.
“So, how was Boston?” Pen sat beside him and started drinking.
“They…” he smiled at her cheekily, “have that weird thing for ducks and lobsters.”
She burst with laughter, absolutely convinced Colin was teasing her.
“I’m serious, Pen.” He took the first sip, and she watched him carefully. “There are plushie ducks and lobsters everywhere!”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t bring any of them home!” She said, relaxing a little. Of course she did, she was with Colin.
Another sip. No, a gulp this time.
He leaned towards her conspiratorially, and Pen could smell his perfume and aftershave. Her head was spinning.
“Don’t ruin yourself a surprise, Penelope.” He winked.
To distract her mind and her body, this time she took a big sip. Her throat was burning, and she couldn’t believe Colin was able to drink that fast. At least it helped her to survive the tension she felt in her stomach.
After another five minutes, Colin’s mug was empty. Pen knew it took time for the elixir to start working, usually around ten minutes. So she waited patiently, trying not to be too obvious with checking the clock, asking him questions that in any other circumstances would genuinely interest her. This time, she couldn’t focus on those damned Boston stories.
“How do you feel, Colin?” Penelope asked after a while and gathered all of her confidence and doubtful acting skills and continued, “You look different, is everything okay?”
Colin furrowed his brows in confusion.
“Yeah, I’m good, why?”
“Maybe I just haven’t seen you in a while. I have to get used to you again.” She shifted on the couch to look at him properly.
He hummed and shook his head.
“So…” Pen put her hands on her knees to calm herself down. “Have you met any interesting American girls?” The bait was set. She felt incredibly stupid doing this.
It was clear Colin was getting more and more confused, but… the elixir wasn’t working.
“Pen, I went there to explore, not to flirt,” he said, almost offended.
“Sorry, I just thought you’d want to meet someone. You’re single…”
“Yes, I am single.”
The silence was unbearable. Penelope had never felt so stupid. Not only was the elixir not working, but she made a massive idiot out of herself. What a huge, stupid plan. What a huge, stupid failure.
Apparently, Colin had some mercy.
“I’m going to the loo,” he got up, giving her a chance to… what exactly? To pull herself together?
As soon as he entered the toilet, Penelope ran to the drawer and pulled Whistledown’s Modern Spell Book out. She took it to the kitchen and quickly riffled through it to find some answer for why the potion wasn’t working. She couldn’t find anything, her breath was shallower with every second, and she knew she didn’t have much time.
“What is it?”
Colin was there, leaning on the door frame. She hadn’t heard him coming.
“Oh,” Pen turned away, holding the book behind her. “That’s nothing, just, you know, a book.”
He took a step closer. He was amused and probably convinced she was teasing him, just as they always did.
“Show me, or I’ll have to take it myself.”
He was grinning. Her biggest secret was about to be revealed, and he was grinning!
“No, please, don’t do it,” Pen begged. She felt her eyes getting glossy. She wasn’t supposed to cry.
That was when Colin understood it wasn’t a joke. Penelope was hiding something, and apparently, she was terrified. He looked at her, examining her reaction, and stuck out his hand to her.
“Come on, Pen,” he whispered.
Penelope felt she had nothing to lose. Or, she could lose him if she wasn’t honest this one time. There was no other choice. She passed him the book, knowing he’d leave and never come back anyway.
She observed, terrified, as he read the book, standing in the middle of her small kitchen.
“What is this?” Colin asked, almost smirking. He wasn’t taking it seriously.
“It is…” Pen kept her eyes on the floor. “…my spell book.”
He tilted his head and squinted his eyes, as if he was saying come on, be serious.
“You don’t believe me, but I’m a witch, a real witch,” she looked at him with a serious gaze. “I make potions and cast spells, and yes, I am serious.”
“No, you’re not,” Colin chuckled.
“Give me your hand,” Penelope said, and it was probably the bravest thing she did that day.
She touched his hand, looking at his palm, and twirled her index finger around it. Suddenly, a tiny tornado appeared. Colin was holding it on his palm, his eyes widening. He leaned carefully to examine the whirlwind closely.
Penelope covered his palm with hers, and the magic was gone. She stepped away and raised her eyebrows.
Colin didn’t know what to look at or what to ask about. He was visibly confused.
“You need to tell me everything, Pen!” he said after a while. Not angry, but astounded.
“No, no, no. You know too much already.”
He came closer, trying to reach the book again.
“What were you doing with it anyway?”
"Nothing,” she said in the most suspicious tone known to humankind.
“Pen…” he grinned, took another step forward, and grabbed her by her thighs.
Before Penelope could react, he was carrying her like a sack of potatoes to the living room.
“Put me down!” she yelled at him. “Put me down, or I’ll turn you into a frog!”
“No, you won’t,” he said gingerly as he tried to put her on the old, burgundy carpet.
Unfortunately, Pen’s cardigan decided to give up on the law of gravity, and both vials ended up on the floor just as she did.
Colin snatched them from the carpet before she could reach them. He was tall; there was no point in trying to take them from his hand.
“What is this?” he asked, his tone serious this time. “Love elixir?” He looked at the pink liquid, “elixir antidote?”
He examined the vials, knowing better than to open them.
“Pen, what is it for? What are you going to do with it?” he said carefully, as if he was talking to a big, bad dragon.
So it was the end. Penelope was stupid enough to ruin everything, only because she couldn’t help herself. But Colin deserved to know.
She took the liquids from his hands.
“Look,” she sighed, “After what I’m going to tell you, you’ll leave and never come back, so please, let me explain fully.”
He nodded.
“I know I’m not destined to have a family or even a soulmate.”
Colin wanted to interrupt her, but she shook her head.
“Let me finish.” She was determined to get this right. “It kills me to know I’ll always be alone, without even knowing what it is like to kiss someone.”
His eyes softened.
“And I know it was a cruel thing to do, but I only wanted you to want me for a moment. I thought I’d be able to feel what it’s like to be loved, and then I’d give you the antidote. Everything would be normal, like it never happened.”
Colin started pacing across the room. He was angry, he was compassionate, he was everything at once. He gazed at the table.
“So, you poured it into my coffee?”
“Yes,” Pen whispered. She wished she could disappear or just shrink herself so Colin couldn’t look at her. “But it didn’t work, so I was searching for the answer in that book.”
“Fuck, Pen,” Colin pulled his hair, frustrated and disappointed. “How could you treat me like that?!”
“I know. I’m really sorry. I know it means nothing to you now, but I do care about you!” she said, tears flowing slowly down her cheeks.
Colin’s eyes were dark, he squeezed his hands into fists, and his jaw tightened.
“Don’t you think it was my choice to make? Not yours.” he smirked angrily.
Penelope could imagine life without Colin. It would be painful, and it would be cruel, but she saw it coming. She knew she couldn’t keep him forever; it was just a matter of time. She would live her lonely life, adopt a cat maybe—many older witches recommend it—and maybe her goal in life could be just to make everyone else happy, not herself.
Colin stopped pacing right in front of her; she could feel how warm he got from all the anger.
“Listen, I’m not leaving yet, but don’t think I forgive you.”
She was confused. Why would he stay if he despised her?
“Give me that,” he said and grabbed the pink vial from Pen’s hand. She was in utter shock.
He opened the lid, and looking straight into Penelope’s eyes, emptied the vessel. He drank the whole elixir.
Pen had no time to stop him. Everything happened in a snap of her fingers, and yet it felt like slow motion. He must have been crazy.
“Here,” he threw the empty vial to the ground and wiped his mouth with his forearm. “Next time, just add some strawberries; it tastes terrible.”
She wasn’t able to close her mouth in shock. It made no sense.
“I’ve never been so furious at you,” he continued. “And I will be for some time. But the worst part is, this potion had no right to work.”
Penelope started to wish Colin was already gone. Maybe he stayed to torture her a little more with guilt. But oh, she felt guilty, she felt evil, and worst of all, she felt like her cunning mother. She wanted to cry her eyes out.
He touched her chin to make her look at his face.
“You wasted the entire potion on me, because I've been in love with you for some time now. The elixir didn't change anything, Pen. And I really hope you feel like a fool right now.”
Penelope opened her mouth again, wondering if her ears deceived her.
“Yes,” she whispered, “I feel like a fool.”
“Good,” he furrowed his brows. In his gaze, Pen could see not only anger, but kindness, empathy, and hope too. “I don’t want to talk right now, because I could say something I’ll regret.”
Pen nodded.
“So now I will kiss you properly, like you should be kissed, and then I’ll leave. Tomorrow, you will tell me everything, even if it takes hours.”
She nodded again, too stunned to say a word. Her heart melted into a puddle with all the affection he proved to have for her.
Colin pulled her forcefully into his arms, touched her wet cheek, and kissed her. It didn’t feel like a first kiss; it wasn’t delicate, it wasn’t pure. It was furious and passionate. It was a promise of the conversation they’d have to get through the next day.
And when she started to think Colin wasn’t going to stop the kiss at all, he broke the kiss.
“Don’t cry, Pen.” He wiped tears from her cheeks. “I really, really love you.”
He gave her a meaningful look and left the flat.
Penelope knew she’d have to change a lot of things in her life, explain a lot of things too, but it felt like a beginning. She just had to make it all right, be honest, and lure him not with her elixirs, but with her charm and pumpkin muffins.
And if he ever asks how it’s possible she always has an infinite stock of them in her small oven, she’d tell him it’s her tiny little secret.