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Breath in. Breath out.
Leo sat under the tree, right where his father and Sensei once sat.
Don't think. Just be.
He found himself spending more time trying to meditate and connect with his father. To hopefully speak to him one more time. For reassurance that he's doing well at leading his team and being the head of the family. Even after-
Stop. Thinking.
Even after their previous mission where, because he failed as a leader, his baby brother got hurt. Because he failed as a big brother.
Stop thinking about it! Just keep breathing. In and out.
Mikey had to step up because of Leo's mistake and save them. He got hurt having to fix Leo's mistake. It's been hours since they brought Mikey to Donnie's lab, and not once has he left. He couldn't face his brothers after his screw-up.
Stop thinking about your failure. Stop thinking about Mikey getting hurt. Stop thinking-
The silence of the room was broken by a loud groan. He leaned back so that his shell was flat against the floor with his hands over his eyes. Frustration emanated from his form.
“Aaagh! I've been trying to meditate in here for hours. Why can't I just do it!” Leo sat up, looking at the tree that his father had spent years caring for. There was a moment of silence until Leo lowered his head. “What do I do, Sensei?”
He sat there in silence hoping for something, anything, to show that his father was there and that he was listening. But as the seconds ticked by, Leo lowered his head in defeat. He was entirely alone in the dojo with nothing but his mind, repeating the same word.
Failure.
Failure as the new head of the family. Failure as the leader of their team of friends and family. Failure as the oldest of Hamato Yoshi's four sons. Failure as an older brother.
He had no idea how long he sat there, stewing in self-deprecation. It could've been a few minutes or even over an hour. It mattered little to him at that moment until the sound of the paper doors sliding open startled him out of his stupor.
“Leo? You in here, dude?” Leo turned around to face the entrance to the dojo. He hadn't even noticed anyone coming and was surprised by Mikey's arrival. His left leg was wrapped in a bandage from the bottom of his foot to a little above his ankle, and he was walking with a very familiar crutch.
“M-Mikey! Are you sure you should be up?” Leo quickly ran to Mikey, meeting him halfway to the entrance. He went to grab Mikey, steadying him but stopped before he could. Doubt flashed in his mind.
“It's fine. Donnie says I'm fine as long as I stay off my leg.” Mikey lifted his leg to give Leo a closer look. “He said it's just a sprain. A pretty bad one, but don't worry. Donnie has me on some pretty strong pain meds.”
“But still, are you sure you should be up and walking when you're on pain medication?”
“I mean, your face is only kind of warped, so I think it's fine!” Mikey gave Leo a thumbs up, expecting to calm Leo's worries. “Plus, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you.”
Leo couldn't stop himself from flinching as dread coursed through him. He should've figured that Mikey would blame him for his injury. That entire mission went sideways the moment he lost focus. He wouldn't be surprised if Mikey, or any of the others, thought less of him as a leader.
“L-listen, Mikey. I-”
“You had me so worried when Raph and D said you were in here all day!” Mikey interrupted him. “I had to ask them where you were when I woke up and you weren't there.”
“W-what…W-worried? About me?” Leo couldn't believe what he was hearing. He furrowed his eyebrows as he repeated the statement in his head. Mikey, his baby brother who's now using a crutch thanks to Leo, was worried about him. “But…y-you got hurt! You can't be worrying about me, I'm supposed to worry about you!”
“Then why weren't you with Raph while Donnie was checking over me?” Again, Leo involuntarily flinched at the accusation. He couldn't face the others after hurting Mikey. Hell, he could hardly stand being in front of Mikey now. “You've just been sulking in here the entire time, right?
He avoided Mikey's hard gaze, feeling worse. What kind of brother was he? Mikey was in pain and here Leo was, avoiding him like the plague. Everything he's been doing has been causing problems for his brothers.
“Mikey, I…I-”
“Is this about the mission earlier?” Leo looked back up to meet Mikey's eyes. His gaze was a lot warmer than expected. “Dude, it's fine.”
“But you got hurt because of my mistake.” Leo refuted weakly. “I got distracted and you're now using a crutch because you had to save me.”
Leo could vividly remember what happened. They were at the Purple Dragon's newest hideout, following a lead on a new piece of tech they stole. Everything was going fine until he heard Mikey shout to him and, before he even realized it, was pushing him away.
He hadn't noticed Hun behind him. And because he had to push Leo out of the way, Hun's target changed to Mikey. He screamed in pain as Hun stomped on Mikey's ankle. Hard.
And now here Mikey was, his Ankle wrapped in bandage and using the crutch Leo used years prior.
“Dude, you made a mistake. Big deal. We all make mistakes all the time.” Mikey placed a hand on Leo's shoulder. “You're gonna make more mistakes Leo. It's invincible. You can't keep giving yourself impossible standards.”
Leo was silent for a moment before letting out a small laugh. “It's…it's inevitable, Mikey.”
“Oops. Guess I made a mistake.” Leo laughed again because he knew that Mikey knew exactly what he was doing before falling silent again. But he felt lighter.
“I just want to be the best leader I can be.” Leo silently admitted. It felt like a small weight was lifted from his shoulders. A weight that has been there since their father's passing. It was still there. Just less.
“Dude, you're always gonna be the best.” Mikey wrapped his free arm around Leo for a hug. “And you don't have to prove it. We already know.”
He returned the hug.
“Thank you, Mikey. And you know you can talk to me whenever as well, right?”
“Pff, of course, dude!”
He barely noticed the forced tone.
Anger is a feeling that Raph is very familiar with. Too familiar, actually.
Ever since he was young, he always had problems trying to control his anger. It seemed like every little thing would set him off, sometimes. He's ruined a few missions thanks to his anger problems. Most notably being one of their first missions where Raph nearly exposed their existence.
Now, though, his anger is more of a defense mechanism. Whenever he's scared, he gets angry. If he's worried, anger. Sad? Anger. Really, any negative feeling, he shows through anger. And he'd much rather be angry than show his brothers how much of a wreck he's become.
And yes, he knows that this isn't healthy. But ever since their father's passing, he has to be strong for his brothers. And if it was at the expense of himself, so be it. He was fine. He had Chompy to talk to, after all. And he thought he was doing fine, until a mission days prior where Mikey got hurt taking a hit meant for Leo.
He remembered seeing red, planning on tearing Leo a new one. The only reason he didn't was because Mikey asked him not to. He probably would've ignored him, but it was obvious that Mikey was worried about Leo and, when discharged, went to talk with Leo. He still doesn't know what they talked about, but when he saw Leo after, he looked lighter than he's looked in a while.
It's been a few days since then and Mikey is still walking with that accursed crutch. He'd be lying if he said that having two brothers be forced to use the crutch didn't bother him. Seeing Mikey hobble around with it brought back unpleasant memories of Leo trying to get around back in the farmhouse.
He was currently in the main area of the Lair, using the punching dummy they've had since they were little. Usually, he uses the dummy to blow some steam. But lately, he's been using it in between training to practice his moves. He was going to town on the dummy for an hour before he heard someone walking into the main area.
He didn't look at who it was and decided to just ignore the presence. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone and was hoping they didn't stay long. His hopes were dashed when whoever was there came over.
“Waddup, Raph!” He stopped and looked over to see Mikey, with that damn crutch, making his way over. “You know, I was here over an hour ago and you were going at it with your practice dummy.”
He could hear the accusatory tone from a mile away and instinctively looked away. He didn't need Mikey, of all people, to judge him for his actions. “Yeah? And what of it?”
“Dude. Have you been doing this for over an hour? With no break?” He hated it, but Mikey could be strangely perceptive when it came to his brothers. And it was always at the worst times. “That can't be good, Raphie.”
“You know I don't like that name!” His training was quickly forgotten as he defended his name. He hates that name. He was nearly 18, he didn't need a childish nickname anymore. “You're lucky that you're using a crutch or else I would'a smacked the green off of ya!”
Of course, he didn't mean it. Not one bit. And he hated how Mikey kept smiling at him like he knew.
“Well, you don't have to worry long. Dr. D said I'll be fine to walk in a day or two!”
“effing finally.” He was glad. He doesn't like seeing any of his brothers having to use a crutch. “About time. Was sick of having to wait on you so we could get back to missions.”
“Awww!” Mikey leaned closer. “Were you worried about me?”
“Like hell I was! I'm just tired of having to wait on your ass!”
“Come on, Raphie. Admit it!” Mikey wrapped an arm around Raph's shoulders and he couldn't bring himself to push it off like he'd usually do. “You were worried!”
Raph was silent for a moment before he softened up. He hated being vulnerable like this, he was supposed to be strong. But if it was around Mikey, and maybe his other brothers? Then maybe it was all right. He sighed as he made his decision.
“Look, if you tell anyone I said this, I'll knock the green off ya, but…” Raph took a breath. “I was worried about you, little brother. And I feel better knowing that you're getting better.”
It might seem small, but it was big that he was admitting this. Raph wasn't emotional and his brothers knew that. And it was nice, being emotional from time to time. But Raph won't admit that. Over his dead body.
“Don't worry, bro. Your secret soft side is sage with me.” Mikey finally unwrapped his arm and made his way to the TV. “Wanna play some video games? Maybe watch something?”
“Well,” Raph looked back at the dummy that hung motionless on its stand. He was planning on going a few more rounds on it, but he already spent a while on it. Plus, it's been a while since he and Mikey did anything together. “Eh, what the hell. I never watched the final episode of Crognard.”
Donnie doesn’t know when it became so hard to muster up the energy to do work in his lab. He doesn’t get it. He loves working, loves engineering, and loves anything science-related. It got to the point where all of his attention and focus had to be on whatever project he was working on. If there was a single distraction, he couldn't work.
Because of this, he spent most of his time in his lab, only coming out for food and other necessities. But even those were becoming rare. It's gotten so bad that his brothers have started dragging him out to make sure he was taking care of himself. But it doesn't matter if he's not when he has so much work to do.
Lately, he's even started snapping at his brothers whenever they tried to drag him from his projects. They don't understand how much effort he has to put into work these days. So, you know, sorry that he's trying to keep their gear and security up to date.
And it's not just gear and security maintenance that he has to do. He's also the only doctor on their team, so any injuries on the field or in the lair he has to deal with. And sure, Leo has his healing hands, but they cause mental strain, and he would work himself to a second coma if Donnie didn't ban Leo from using them without his approval.
That being said, the only time he willingly stops working on his projects is when he has to play doctor. He just can't function properly when his brothers are hurt. He worries too much. That's why he puts everything he has to his doctor duties when the need arrives. Never less.
His thoughts drift to years ago, at the farmhouse. How, if it weren't for Casey assuring him that he did everything he could for Leo, he wouldn't have been able to work. Even then, he hardly could at times.
“Come on, Donnie. Stop getting distracted.” He told himself. Parts from the Shellraiser were sitting on his desk that he's been trying to make some slight repairs to. Soldering iron in hand, he tried to refocus on his task but found his mind continuing to wander.
With an aggravated sigh, Donnie turned off the soldering iron, pressing the tip against a sponge to cool it down. Sometimes it felt like a part of him didn't want to work. Which is asinine. What use is he if he can't work on anything? And isn't that a depressing thought?
He was about to force himself back to work when the lab door slid open. “Yo, D. Lunch time!”
“Gah! Not now, Mikey! I'm in the middle of something!” Donnie didn't face Mikey at all when he said that, refusing to look anywhere but the project he'd been trying to complete for hours.
“You're always in the middle of something, Donnie.” Of course, Mikey ignored him as always and entered further into his lab. “You know the rules. You need to take breaks for food and rest.”
“Look, Mikey.” He finally turned to face Mikey. “I know that you're trying to help, but I don't have time for lunch. Just leave it by the door, would you?”
He immediately turned back to the Shellraiser parts he had on his desk but didn't make a move to work on it. He just couldn't concentrate on it. And it wasn't helping that Mikey wasn't leaving. He actually came closer.
“C'mon, D-”
“No, Mikey!” He finally shouted, facing Mikey again. “I told you, I don't have time! I'm too busy trying to fix up the Shellraiser from our last mission, then I have to make sure all of our equipment is in top shape, and not to mention our security system, the thing keeping us hidden from New York, needs to be updated constantly. So I don't have the time!”
Mikey finally backed off, taking a few steps back as Donnie regained his breath. He had a strange look in his eye that Donnie was too annoyed to identify at the moment. They were silent for another moment before Donnie spoke up again.
“So yeah…I'm a little busy, Mikey.” He looked back to his desk, trying to force himself to work. He had hoped Mikey got the message, but his hopes were quickly dashed.
“You act like everything you're doing in here is a chore, dude.” Was all that he said before Donnie cut him off.
“Because it is a chore, Mikey-” he stopped as he heard what he just admitted. “I…I'm always having to work on our equipment or-or our security…”
“Dude, when was the last time you worked on something you wanted to work on?”
Donnie sat there in silence, still reeling from the information he just admitted to. He thought hard about Mikey's question going over his past projects. Every project he could recall had something to do with duty or missions. The farther back he went without finding something he genuinely wanted to do, the worse he felt.
“It…it's been a while.” He silently admitted. “B-but I have to work on all of this stuff, Mikey. If I don't then…”
‘I won't be needed.’
He left that part unsaid, but he had the feeling Mikey still heard it. Especially as Mikey closed the gap between them. “Donnie, you know you don't have to spend every hour of every day working on our stuff, right?”
Donnie knew that he could, but without him working on everything, how would their equipment stay up to date? Their security system?
“You can work on the things you want to work on, Dee.” Mikey smiled at him. “And let us deal with our equipment upkeep, okay?”
Donnie felt himself nodding at Mikey's request. Maybe he could take a break from all this and work on something he wanted.
“Thank…thank you, Mikey. And sorry for yelling.”
“Hey, don't worry about it, dude. As long as you're feeling better!” Mikey turned around and started walking out. “I'll leave your plate outside the lab for you.”
Donnie quickly shouted a thank you to his brother before turning back to his desk, feeling excitement for a project for the first time in a while. There were so many projects he'd been ignoring for the sake of missions and upkeep; the possibilities were endless.
“Hmmm, how about a few upgrades to Metalhead?”
Donnie immediately got to work. But not before sending Mikey a curious look.
“Breakfast'll be ready soon, guys!” Mikey called from the kitchen. For a few months now, Mikey has been the sole cook and food provider of the household. And that'd be because his brothers can't cook for shit and the only other one that could was Splinter.
His hand clenched at the thought of his papa. It wasn't really a taboo subject, they just…haven't talked about him since the day it happened. And yes, he knows it's not healthy. But what else is he supposed to do?
His bros aren't really the best at emotions. Which is fine! They don't have to be! He'll do the emotions for them! Even if it gets tiring sometimes. He loves his bros and would do anything for them, and that includes feeling for them and helping them with their emotions.
But again, it gets tiring sometimes. Especially when he's constantly having to help his brothers through their emotions. He's been so busy worrying about his brothers’ mental well-being that he hasn't had time to worry about his own. But it's fine. Because he's willing to wait as long as he needs for his brothers to get better.
He's so tired. He loves his brothers so much, but he's so tired. But it was easier to pretend everything was all right than to deal with his own fucked up emotions.
Everything. Was fine.
“Mikey!” He jumped at the sudden noise of Raph shouting his name. “You good? You were spacing out when we walked in. And usually, I wouldn't care, but I didn't want breakfast to get ruined.”
Mikey knows he didn't mean it, though. He knows his brothers and can see the worry in his eyes.
“Yeah, bros. Everything's cool!” He gave them his best reassuring smile, but it didn't do much to ease their worries.
“Are you sure, Mikey?” Leo put his hand on Mikey's arm, giving him a squeeze. “We've been talking, Mikey, and…”
He didn't like how Leo looked back and shared something between himself, Raph, and Donnie. Donnie was the next to step forward.
“You've, uh…you've been spacing out a lot lately. And, as the family doctor, I decided to do a bit of research.” Donnie seemed less awkward as he shifted to Dr. D. “This has been happening more frequently, as of late, and that could correlate to some mental health issues-”
“I'm-I'm fine, guys!” Mikey turned off the stove before turning to face his brothers directly. “I mean, why wouldn't I be?”
“Mikey,” Leo spoke up again. “I've noticed you going out of your way to help us with our problems. Our thoughts and emotions, specifically. And I've been watching you. You're not as vocal about your feelings as you used to be.”
“I didn't think of it at first, but after Leo told me, I had to agree.” Raph started talking again. “Usually, you're the most vocal about your feelings. Yet for months now you haven't been doing that. It's, I don't know, concerning.”
Mikey was used to his brothers trying to lecture him, but this was different. He didn't like this. They never had to talk to him about emotions before. He was the emotions guy. But apparently, he was doing a bad job at emotions if his brothers had to talk with him.
“What? N-no, I'm fine! I'm the same old, happy Mikey!” Mikey knew the excuse fell flat. “You don't have to worry!”
“But we are, Mikey.” Donnie again. “You could be dissociating. That hasn't happened before. So we're worried.”
Mikey felt like a kid again. Having his brothers trying to cheer him up after scraping his knee from a skateboarding accident. And it was starting to become a bit too much.
“So please…mind telling us what's wrong, little brother?” Raph asked Mikey, who hadn't even realized his head was down.
“...I miss Papa,” Mikey whispered. And from the silence of his brothers, they heard him.
“Oh, Mikey…Why didn't you say anything?” Leo wrapped an arm around Mike, bringing him closer so the top of his head was resting against Leo's plastron.
“We-we were too busy…Purple Dragons, helping Karai, dealing with Foot remnants…we never had any time to…process.” His vision was starting to blur as he talked.
“Mikey, we would've stopped if you needed it.” Raph wrapped his arm around Mikey as well, followed shortly by Donnie.
“You know we'll always make time for you, Mikey.”
“No, you wouldn't. All of you guys were pushing each other away! I had to be the one to deal with it!” Mikey sobbed into his brothers’ arms, the dam had broken. “None of you were all right, and I had to be the one to fix it!”
“You ignored your own mental wellbeing to help us?” Leo was obviously upset at the information. But it wasn't at Mikey or the others, but at himself. “I'm so sorry, Otouto.”
Otouto. The name Leo had used to call him when they were younger. Younger brother, it meant. It's been so long since Leo had called him that.
He felt arms tighten around him as he kept crying. For the first time since their papa's funeral, they all allowed themselves to process it. Mikey openly sobbed as months’ worth of emotion spilled out. And if his brothers let out a few tears and sniffs as well, he wouldn't say.
They stayed in the kitchen like that for a while, breakfast forgotten, before Mikey spoke up again. “Thank you, guys.”
“Of course, Otouto.”
For a few more minutes they stayed like that before Raph finally had enough of the environment.
“I love you guys, but could we, maybe, get out of the kitchen?”
Mikey let out a wet laugh at that. Leave it to Raph to ruin a beautiful moment.
“Turtle pile in the living room?” He offered. And with little disagreement, they relocated to the living room of their lair and sat in a pile in front of the TV, watching Space Heroes. Mikey let out a content sigh as they watched, feeling lighter than he'd ever felt in a long while.
Emotionally tired, he felt himself slowly drift to sleep. But before he fell asleep, he gave them one more message.
“I love you guys.”