Chapter Text
It’s the silence that hurts the most.
For the first time in decades, the house is empty except for little Haruka.
He sits on the floor of their quiet living room, his worn toys scattered around him. Usually, at this time of day, Mikey and his friends would come barreling through the room, leaving shouts and laughter in their wake. Distracted, one of them would trip over Haruka’s slightly cracked robot figure as they ran, typically it was Mikey, and they would scold him for leaving his toys around.
Their grandpa would be at the dojo to teach his classes, so Shinichiro would look after them. Well, if looking after consists of sitting on their sofa and laughing his ass off at whatever mess Mikey got himself into.
And in the chaos, Haruka’s eyes would meet Emma’s, a quiet solidarity found there as they were the only two arguably mature ones present in a room full of older boys.
It may have been loud and annoying, but it was a happy home nonetheless.
So, the absence of that noise sends Haruka feeling off-kilter. It’s like a room frozen in time, the stillness settling like static on Haruka’s skin.
Gingerly, he reaches a tiny hand out towards his robot and places it a little further towards the door. And he waits.
Haruka’s black and gold eyes stare at the living room’s entryway, expecting stampeding feet and a blonde boy to rush in. So he waits and waits.
But nothing. He’s still alone with the quiet as his only companion.
Tears begin to well-up in Haruka’s eyes and he snatches the toy back from the ground. Glaring at it in betrayal, Haruka squeezes the toy with all the strength in his grip. With a sharp snap, he ends up breaking the legs of the robot and cracking the casing around its torso.
With a frustrated cry, Haruka throws the toy out the entryway of the living room, expecting to hear a hollow crash. Instead, a shout of pain reaches his small ears.
Recognizing the voice, Haruka quickly gets to his feet and takes off in a run. Without even looking to check if his assumption is correct, the small boy is flying through the air as he tackles Shinichiro and sends both of them to the floor.
“Jeez,” Shinichiro cries as he feels his breath get knocked out of him. “What the heck, Haru?”
He looks down at his youngest brother, trying to get a look at his face. However, his view is obscured by black and white hair as Haruka buries his face into his eldest brother’s shirt. When Shinichiro gently tries to nudge the boy off, Haruka’s thin arms tighten around his stomach as he shakes his head in rejection.
“Ok, ok! Please lighten up a little on that grip,” Shinichiro pleads. “I can’t breathe!”
He’s relieved when Haruka softens his hold. Content, Shinichiro reaches for Haruka’s hair and begins to run his hand through the two-toned strands. He hums the lullaby that his mother taught him when she had Manjiro, the lullaby he sang throughout Mikey’s and Haruka’s infancy.
It’s a little sad when he realizes he rarely ever sings the song to them anymore. The two boys were growing too fast with Mikey already running rampant through the streets and Haruka almost at the age to start kindergarten.
However, muffled sniffles bring Shinichiro back to the present where he realizes his shirt now has a damp feeling where Haruka’s face is buried. In a panic, Shinichiro feels his body freeze as he hovers his hands over his younger brother’s trembling shoulders.
“What’s wrong, Haru?” Shinichiro attempts to keep his voice level but the tinge of alarm can still be heard. “Did you hurt yourself before I got here? Can I take a look, please?”
With his gentle but persistent prodding, Shinichiro is able to coax Haruka into leaning back from the hug to make sure he was okay. As he takes in his youngest brother’s tear-stained cheeks and reddened eyes, Shinichiro thinks his heart may just break.
Doing a quick scan, he confirms no obvious wounds and engulfs Haruka in a hug. Suddenly, it’s Shinichiro’s turn to bury his face into his brother’s two-toned hair to hide the sting of tears in his eyes.
“Hey, hey,” he murmurs. “What’s going on, Haruka?”
Haruka merely shakes his head again and remains silent. Opening his eyes, Shinichiro glances to the side where the broken toy robot lay. Taking in his younger brother’s uncharacteristic clinginess and the silence of the house, Shinichiro comes to a startling realization.
Pulling back from the hug, Shinichiro wipes the evidence of Haruka’s tears with the sleeve of his gakuran. “Were you the only one here,” he asks softly. At Haruka’s hesitant nod, Shinichiro feels the weight of his failure take root in his heart.
Right. After living in such a big family, Haruka has never been on his own before.
He must have been frightened, Shinichiro thinks. And lonely.
“Okay,” he sighs, releasing his youngest brother from their hug. Getting to his feet, Shinichiro crouches and offers a hand to Haruka. “Why don’t we go and take a walk while we wait for the others to get home, huh?” Shinichiro asks, a soft smile gracing his features as he gazes at Haruka’s reddened face.
Haruka’s scrunched features relax into an anxious pout as he stares at Shinichiro’s outstretched hand. While his heart trembles in sadness for his brother, Shinichiro keeps his smile and hand in place; the metaphorical storm cloud over his head only lightens when Haruka hesitantly takes his hand and streaks off to his room to change for their outing.
Slumping against a wall, Shinichiro tiredly tips his head back as he covers his eyes with a calloused hand. He needs to do better by Haruka, not just Emma and Mikey.
Shinichiro knows he does his best, raising his siblings with unconditional love and devotion. But he’s not a parent and he can only do so much to keep their family together.
***
It’s a worry that follows him on their way to the park. Shinichiro was able to drive his motorcycle for a part of the way, after making Haruka promise to behave in the backseat, but he knew his little brother preferred the scenery of the walk.
Once they reach the entrance of the park, Shinichiro takes a minute to digest the unexpected amount of screaming children and parents present. It sets his nerves off to have all the noise and people near him but a promise was a promise.
Shinichiro feels Haruka’s grip on his hand tighten and he quickly moves to crouch beside his youngest brother.
“Hey, kid!” He beams, plastering a smile on his face. “You excited to go play?”
Haruka takes a skittish glance at all the children before meeting Shinichiro’s stare with a determined gaze. He furrows his brows as he gives a single nod and bounds off towards the jungle gym.
It makes Shinichiro feel a little silly, a little inadequate, really. Here he is, hands shaking and nausea swirling in his stomach from the overstimulation while his little brother took the courage to play with strangers.
As much as he wished it, that kind of extroversion was never quite his thing. Shinichiro never had the chance to go out and mingle with other kids his age when he was younger. Their father was never a stable presence in the house, so Shinichiro picked up his slack where he could.
He helped his mom clean up the house, went on errands to the store with her, washed any dishes, and assisted their grandfather on any handiwork that needed to be done. Then Mikey was born and Shinichiro was a big brother.
It was fine, though, because Manjiro was a blessing to him.
But then, their mom died and, suddenly, Shinichiro went from being an older brother of one to a parent of three.
He would never regret giving everything of himself to his siblings. They deserve all that he had to give and more, but he sometimes felt like he was drowning. Like what he gave was never going to be enough because he was neither a father or a mother. He’s just Shinichiro; he was just supposed to be an older brother.
The sudden ringing of his phone cuts off Shinichiro’s thoughts as he was absentmindedly watching Haruka play from afar. Quickly flipping his phone open, he sees Wakasa’s icon lighting up the screen.
Glancing back to his little brother, Shinichiro sees him happily going down the slide and moves back towards the street for some privacy to take the call. It should only be a few minutes after all.
***
Haruka really loves the feeling of the outdoors. He loves feeling the warmth of the sun and the cool chill of the breeze on his skin. And he absolutely adores hearing the faint chirps of birds hidden among the trees and buildings.
There’s just so much more to see and feel when you’re outside, away from the stifling silence that being indoors sometimes brings.
After playing by himself for a bit, he decides to try his luck joining the other kids. He saw them playing tag and hide-n-seek while going down the slide and wanted to join. Plus, he wants to make more friends outside the small group connected to his family.
Approaching a group, Haruka timidly taps the shoulder of one of the boys there. “Excuse me,” he asks, prompting the kids to finally notice him, “can I play, too?”
For just a moment after Haruka’s question, all the noise within the park dies down as the kids blink owlishly at him. They take in the odd split-color of his hair and eyes before bursting into laughter.
“What the heck is up with your look,” one of the older boys in the group call. “You look so weird!”
“You’re right! I’ve never seen anything like it!”
“He looks like one of those foreigners in the movies! Hey, are you from around here? Can you even understand me?”
“Oh, look! It looks like he’s about to cry!”
They point and jeer at him like he’s not a person, not another kid like them. Haruka isn’t a toy on display. He isn’t a foreigner and he’s not about to fucking cry because of these jerks!
Winding his arm back like he’s seen Mikey do, Haruka sends a punch straight into a kid's face. Screams ring through the air as children scramble to get away from him and parents rush towards the chaos.
At this point, Haruka is so consumed by his anger that he can’t even think or process what he’s doing. All he knows is that his knuckles hurt and there’s a lady frantically pulling him off the kid he punched.
“Haru?!” a familiar voice cuts through the mayhem. “Oh my god, what happened?!”
Lifting Haruka up by his armpits, Shinichiro succeeds in separating Haruka from the boy that started the entire thing.
“Your boy hit my kid,” the lady spits at them as she helps her son up from the ground. “You should be ashamed! How could you raise something like that? He already looks like the devil and now you’re gonna let him act like one, too?”
It’s the insult to Haruka that makes Shinichiro snap, just a little bit. “What the fuck did you just say,” he asks, voice a deadly rasp. He takes a step closer to her, his height letting him loom over the woman and her bruised child.
She wasn’t expecting him to retaliate, Haruka can tell from her hunching posture and fear-filled eyes. Refusing to answer, she lifts her son into her arms and begins to walk away from them, murmuring something too quiet for Haruka’s ears to hear though he can feel Shinichiro stiffen under his hold.
“Come on, Haru,” Shinichiro whispers. “Let’s just go home, okay?”
At his nod, Shinichiro begins making his way to his motorcycle while carrying his youngest brother in his arms.
Once they reach the bike, Shinichiro wastes no time plopping Haruka on the back seat and handing him his small helmet. Haruka takes it from him but makes no move to put it on, merely staring at his distorted reflection.
“Hey, Shin,” he quietly calls. “I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused…I know I look weird, but I just got mad when they started making fun of me.”
Shinichiro is quiet for a moment before he places his hands on Haruka's shoulders, shaking them gently until he looks up at him.
“I need you to listen to me,” Shinichiro says solemnly, his eyes serious and growing in intensity as he maintains eye contact with Haruka. “I love you and Manjiro and Emma so much, okay? It doesn’t matter to me what you look like as long as you’re happy and healthy.” He closes his eyes and sighs wearily, dropping his forehead on top of Haruka’s head. “You three are the pieces that make up my soul, you know? If any of you are torn out, not even God could stitch me back together.”
With that, Shinichiro takes Haruka’s helmet and straps it onto his brother with ease. They’re silent the entire ride back to the Sano household where they’re met with Emma’s scolding and Manjiro’s complaints upon arriving back to an empty home.
Though the trip wasn’t without its own silver lining. Since then, Haruka was never left alone in the house as Wakasa took it upon himself to look after the brat whenever Shinichiro wasn’t able to.