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The apartment was quiet, almost too quiet. It was the kind of silent that felt heavy and suffocating. The only thing you could hear was the rhythmic pulse of the clock, its sound a cruel reminder of time passing. You were staring up at the ceiling, the grey evening light filtering weakly through the half-drawn blinds, casting a dull glow in the room. The day had been so long. Time had lost its meaning sometime after Emily had left for work. The hours had blurred together, morning to afternoon, afternoon to evening, leaving you feeling empty and making the day slip away without you.
You hadn’t moved from the comfort of your bed since Emily left that morning - maybe even longer. It felt like you were sinking, trapped underneath the weight of invisible hands pressing you into the mattress. You couldn’t explain why or how the day had ended up being like this. It just had. All you knew was that everything had felt off for you since the moment you opened your eyes, like the world was tilted off its axis. So you had stayed still, cocooned in the safety of your bed, even though it wasn’t truly safe. Not from yourself.
And then you heard the sound of the front door opening and closing echoing through the quiet apartment, pulling you from the void of your thoughts. Emily’s familiar, calm voice broke through the silence.
”Baby? I’m home!”
You heard her keys drop into the glass bowl on the counter, the rustle of her jacket being hung up on its hook, her kicking her shoes off. The sounds of normalcy. Something inside your chest ached at that. It didn’t bring the usual comfort. It was like you were stuck watching and hearing life happening in front of your eyes but between that and you there was a thick glass wall - so close, but completely unreachable.
You could tell by the tone of Emily’s voice that there was a little smile on her face. It nearly broke you. The easiness she used the pet name for you with, how happy she seemed to see you after a long day. She sounded so normal, as if nothing was wrong. She had no idea what she was walking into. You hated yourself for putting her through this.
You didn’t respond. One part of you wanted to get up to meet your girlfriend in the kitchen, to pretend everything was fine. That was something you were a professional in. But right now, your body felt heavy, your limbs didn’t want to cooperate. You didn’t have the energy to do so. The sheets around your body had become more like chains throughout the day, holding you in place with the weight of your exhaustion, both physical and emotional.
Another part of you hoped that the quietness and stillness in the apartment would keep her at a distance, just for a while longer. You needed her, your body yearned for comfort but you weren’t ready. You weren’t ready for her questions or to see the disappointed look in her eyes when she realized you weren’t feeling well. You weren’t ready for her to see you like this. Not today.
Emily’s footsteps padded down the hallway and instead of awakening the usual excitement inside you with them, you felt your anxiety deepen. You heard her knock lightly on the bedroom door before opening it. ”Babe?”
The door creaked a bit and you felt Emily’s presence before you saw her. She stood there for a moment, silent, taking in the sight of you still wrapped in bed like a lifeless figure beneath the covers. You pretended to be asleep. The room was dim and in the air there were faint traces of yesterday’s coffee that had long gone cold on the nightstand. You hadn’t even managed to open the blinds fully. It reduced the world outside to a narrow sliver of pale light that barely got in the room.
You heard Emily sigh. You were sure she was disappointed.
”Have you been in bed all day?” she asked, her voice soft but clearly laced with concern. There was something in her tone that made your chest tighten - a mix of worry and confusion probably, like she was trying to piece together what had happened in your world while she was gone for the day.
Once again, you didn’t answer. You just curled up tighter.
Emily walked towards you cautiously and you felt the mattress dip a little underneath you when she sat on the edge of the bed. You felt the warmth of her presence beside you but it only made you pull the blankets tighter around your body, like a shield. The fabric was rough against your skin from being tangled with you all day.
”Honey, talk to me”, Emily said and reached out, her hand brushing softly against your arm. Her touch was gentle but insistent. ”Did you get up at all? Have you eaten anything?”
”I’m just tired, Emily”, you whispered your weak excuse. The lie had barely left your lips before it felt hollow already, hanging heavy in the air between you. ”I just want to sleep, okay?”
The words felt wrong. The truth was that you didn’t even know what you wanted. Sleep seemed like an impossible task, but so did getting out of bed. Facing the world seemed the most daunting. What you needed was for everything to stop for a while so you could breathe.
Emily’s hand lingered on your arm, her thumb now brushing small circles against your skin in a soothing manner. You felt her hesitate a bit and a part of you wished she would stop. That she would just leave you alone to sink back into the void you’d been trying to disappear into the whole day. But another part of you, a more fragile part, longed for her to stay more than anything so she could pull you out of the darkness even though you felt like you didn’t deserve the help.
”Hey… come here”, she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper as she leaned in closer, her lips brushing softly against the crown of your head.
You felt the mattress shift again as she tried to wrap her arms around you to pull you into her embrace, but you flinched, turning your body away from her. It stung. Your hand came up reflexively, pushing her away in a weak attempt to create some distance. It wasn’t that you didn’t want her comfort. You imagined the hurt look on her face just now after declining her embrace and it made you feel even worse. You wanted her comfort so bad but didn’t feel worthy of it.
”Okay, okay…” Emily’s voice was clearly filled with hurt now, the softness of it was disappearing. She sat back, giving you space, but you could feel the tension in the air as if she was waiting for an explanation - something to make sense of why you were acting like this.
”I told you”, you muttered, your voice cracking slightly as you tried your best to keep the flood of emotions in. You didn’t have the energy to let it out. ”I’m just tired. That’s all. I need to be alone for a bit.”
It wasn’t convincing at all. It all sounded like pure lies. You didn’t want to be alone. Being alone was what had gotten you here, spiraling deeper until you couldn’t breathe. But the part of letting her in and exposing this part of you to her was equally terrifying. What if she saw you like this and realized you weren’t worth it and that she couldn’t do this anymore?
You could feel the tears building again, your eyes burning from the hours you had spent crying alone in the dark. You bit your lips together, clenching your jaw, trying to hold back the wave of emotions that threatened to spill over. But Emily read you like a book. She wasn’t fooled.
”Look at me”, she whispered, gently but insistent on solving all of this. Her hand reached for your face and even though everything inside you screamed to pull away, to hide the shame and mess, you couldn’t. Your body betrayed you in the best way possible, frozen in the space between wanting both; to disappear and needing her to see all of you. So you let her fingers grab your chin and turn your head towards her.
Her gaze finally locked with yours properly for the first time after her coming home. The world seemed to still for a moment. Her expression shifted immediately the second her eyes met your eyes, red and blood-shot from all the crying. You saw so much love in hers, in the way she looked at you. It was almost unbearable.
”Oh baby…” she breathed, her thumb gently wiping away the tear that slipped down your cheek. So soft, so tender. ”Why didn’t you say anything?”
You couldn’t answer. The lump in your was too thick now, the shame too overwhelming. What would you even say? That you had spent the entire day trapped beneath the crushing weight of your own emotions, feeling like you were sinking into the bed, disappearing into the heaviness of it all? That each minute had felt like drowning, the weight pressing down on you until you couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe?
How could you explain that the hopelessness clawing at your insides was so deep, so consuming that it had taken all your energy just to exist today? And that despite it all you still didn’t feel like you deserved to be here, in her arms, in her life even?
All that didn’t even begin to explain the depth of the hopelessness you felt.
Her thumb traced another tear away as her eyes searched for your face, more concerned now after not hearing you say anything.
”Please, talk to me”, she whispered, cracks in her voice showing her calmness cracking. ”What’s going on? I just want to help.”
Your breath hitched, the pressure in your chest building until it felt like you were about to break.
”I… I had a bad day.” Everything you wanted to say was stuck in your throat and your voice trembled. The words felt like they barely scratched the surface. ”I had a really bad day.”
Emily’s hand never left your cheek, her thumb still stroking your cheek softly. She didn’t push. She didn’t demand more than you could give. She gave you time and waited. She gave you space when you needed it.
”You were right. I didn’t… I didn’t get out of bed”, you finally admitted, your voice barely audible. You couldn’t look into her eyes while you spoke. ”I just stayed here, all day. I couldn’t… do anything. I’m so sorry.”
”Sorry for what?” Emily’s voice was soft. Her brows furrowed as she tried to understand. ”You don’t have to apologize for having a bad day, love. You should’ve told me in the morning, I would’ve stayed with you.”
The floodgates opened before you could stop them. The shame, the self-hate, it all spilled out of you harder this time. Your whole body trembled as you finally let go of some of the emotions you had been holding back all day, crying out the words you hadn’t let yourself say until now.
”I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you”, you sobbed now, voice thick with shame. ”I don’t deserve you. I’m a mess, Emily. Don’t you see? I’m a fucking mess and I don’t understand why you’re here. I don’t deserve your love. Not like this. I don’t even understand why you’re staying. Go.”
You thought this would be it - the moment where your words would push her away, too far, and she’d finally see you for what you truly were. She’d pull away, finally tired of the broken person she was holding. And she’d leave just like everyone else.
But she didn’t. She didn’t leave or pull away. Instead, Emily’s arms tightened around you, pulling you closer as if she could shield you from the darkness inside yourself. She held you so close you could feel her heartbeat, steady and strong against your own quick frantic pulse.
”Stop, please. Stop that right now”, she whispered. Her voice was thick with emotion, like she was about to cry too. ”You don’t have to be perfect for me to love you. You never have to be perfect. You’re enough just as you are. You’ve always been enough. What do I have to do to make you see that?”
Her words broke something inside you - something so deep, something you had buried a long time ago. The dam holding back your emotions finally shattered and you collapsed into her, your sobs shaking your entire body as you clung to her. Your tears dampened the fabric of her shirt but neither one of you cared at all. Emily’s arms didn’t falter as she held you closer than anyone had ever done before. Her hand stroked your hair gently, her lips pressed soft kisses on your temples. Her touch grounded you, keeping you from slipping away.
”I’m here”, she whispered softly into your hair, over and over again as if she hoped the more she said it the more of a chance she would have in making you believe it. ”I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
Slowly but surely, thanks to Emily, your sobs quieted and were replaced by the sound of your ragged breathing. Your head rested against Emily’s chest as you listened to her steady heartbeat next to your ear. It brought you so much comfort, anchoring you from the darkness you’d been drowning in. She held you for a long time, not letting go.
When you finally pulled back and wiped your tear-streaked face you felt lighter. The suffocating weight inside your chest had lifted just enough for you to feel like you could take a full breath again. You wiped your teary eyes, ashamed of how vulnerable you felt.
”Do you really mean it?” you asked, your voice small and shaky with embarrassment. It felt like a stupid question to ask but you needed to hear her say it. To make sure. ”That… that I’m enough?”
Emily cupped your face and you were met with her dark eyes full of love, so full of certainty that you felt stupid for doubting her for even a second.
”I’ve never meant anything more, my love”, she promised you as her thumb traced your bottom lip gently. ”You’re stronger than you think. And even on your worst days, you still deserve to be loved. Actually, especially on those days.”
Tears welled up again in your eyes but this time they felt different. They weren’t the sharp, painful kind that came with the weight of your shame. They were softer, warmer, a mixture of relief and gratitude. Relief that Emily was still here, that she hadn’t pulled away, and gratitude for the unconditional love she offered you, even when you couldn’t offer it to yourself.
Her fingers brushed softly against your skin and you leaned into her touch, so drawn to the safety that radiated from her. For just a moment you allowed yourself to believe in her words. It was hard, so incredibly hard to accept that you were worthy of this love, but you tried. You tried to let her love fill the cracks your self-doubt had formed.
Emily leaned in, pressing a lingering kiss on your lips that were stained with the tears that she hadn’t caught while caressing your face with her thumbs. The familiar feel of her lips against yours made you smile a little, for the first time today. Emily smiled too.
”We’ll get through this together”, she murmured against your lips as she pressed her forehead against yours. ”You’re not alone, okay? I won’t let the darkness swallow you, I’ll be here to bring you back every time. I promise. I’m with you, always.”
Her words wrapped around you like a protective blanket and for the first time in what felt like forever, you allowed yourself to believe them. Maybe, just maybe, you didn’t have to carry this burden on your own. Maybe you didn’t have to be perfect in order to deserve love. Emily was here, still here, even when you were at your lowest, even when you couldn’t love yourself.
And for now, that was enough. You were enough.