Chapter Text
‘Never be so clever, you forget to be kind
Never wield such power, you forget to be polite'
When Severus Snape was a young boy, it was just him and his mother. Eileen Prince was a gentle soul. The kind of soul that made everything look brighter when she was near, made the flowers bloom as she walked. She taught Severus about all the plants and animals they would find outside. She taught him to swim in the nearby lake. She taught him please and thank you, but also when to say no and hold your ground.
Now, to a toddler, these lessons were very different but she could see the lessons seep into his sponge of a brain. She prayed to whoever listened that her little boy would continue to grow with these ideals in his heart.
Then Eileen Prince got sick. Very sick. Severus was barely 5 when he showed up at the healer's doorstep alone because his mummy couldn’t get out of bed. A week later, he was being sent to live with a father he had never met. Young Severus cried all the way there.
His life became very different after that. His father was the opposite of everything his mum had been. He was gruff and yelled when Severus cried. He didn’t watch Severus from the kitchen window and tell him to stay close to the house, in fact, he didn’t notice when Severus left the house at all.
The young boy started getting older, he no longer cried. He spent as much time out of the house as possible. Sometimes while he was outside, he would think of his mother and get mad. Mad that she was gone, mad for thinking of her. But he would think of her nonetheless, sitting in a field, or near the worn path, the wind would sweep through and Severus would swear he could almost hear her. I know better, he thought to himself, quickly snuffing any hope that lived in his heart that she was still around.
His father would not let him speak of her and would say nasty things about her. Severus would tell him to stop, to shut up. Then his father would get mad, really mad.
Severus had walked his usual path one day when he saw a head of red hair sitting on the log where he normally sat. He turned to go find another spot when she spoke to him. He looked back and she gasped. “What happened to your eye?”
Lily became as close to a friend as Severus had ever had before. She told him how her sister had called her strange for the things she could do. He never told her but she was strange to him too. Not in the way her sister said, he knew what magic was, but Lily was always happy and smiling.
Sometimes when she would walk, he would see the flowers open just a little wider, and when he looked at her, everything seemed just a little brighter.
They stayed friends as things changed. They went to school, got sorted into separate houses, and started learning magic. They met new people and spent less time together. Severus found out he could stay at school for school breaks, except in summer, so he did. Lily never stayed.
Severus’ housemates said words he had never heard before. The way they said them reminded him of his father. He wanted to tell them to stop, but he knew what happened when you told people like that to stop. Eventually, he began to say them too.
The years start to blur, and Severus feels angry all the time. The only time he has talked to Lily was to say the mean words that have become a part of his vocabulary. He’s made enemies out of her friends, and her boyfriend. The word made his mouth taste like a spoiled potion.
Now, the summer before his 6th year. Things at school have shifted. People are whispering about a Dark Lord, and his housemates speak of him highly. Their parents are joining him. Some claim to have met him already. They speak of taking his mark on their arm, of gaining power. Severus knows he will join too.
Severus wakes alone in the dead of night, cold sweat down his back. A faceless man burns a mark onto his arm before turning Severus around to face a line of people he is now being told to murder. The line started with Sirius Black and ended with Lily Evans. Severus feels the bile rising up in his chest, screams he heard still playing on in his head as he lies panting.
He gets off his bed, the dusty boards beneath him creaking loudly. He doesn’t go in the house anymore, sleeping in the small loft of the garden shed instead. The ceiling is low, only allowing him enough room to kneel and shuffle to find a dry pajama robe.
He doesn’t bother grabbing his wand for light as he opens one of the few boxes he could fit up here. He reaches into the box, letting out a little sigh, as he only feels pants. But before he can push the box away, he feels a hard and unfamiliar shape.
He pulls it out of the box, spilling some clothes out in the process. In his hand, a sturdy-feeling wooden box. He grabs for his wand, the light he produces momentarily blinding. When his eyes adjust, in his hands there is a hand-carved dark wooden box, the wand light causing it to shine. He flips it around in his hand and nearly drops it when he sees the initials E. P. carved onto the bottom. He shoves the wooden box back where he found it. Burying it as deep as it can go, his heart continues to thunder.
Severus changes his robe and gets back into bed. He tosses and turns for what feels like hours until he finally begins to drift off once more. That night he dreams of bright fields, blooming flowers, and cold morning swims.
The next morning, Severus can’t get the box out of his head as he walks the paths of his childhood. It’s been a long time since he has walked this way. He’s thought of it, felt the pull of it, but has been able to resist thus far. He’s been able to push away the silly childhood want to wander outside and feel the sunshine, trading it for the dark dungeon-like potions classroom, that’s where he feels comfortable now. He’s lost in thought when he walks over the small hill and sees a familiar head of red hair sitting in the same spot she was sitting all those years ago. Severus lets himself look at her for just a moment before turning around.
“Sev, wait.”
…And he waits.
Lily talks and talks, stumbling over a jumble of words. She starts crying, and she tells him that she’s come out here every day. He listens.
Maybe it was the nightmare he had last night, or the thoughts of his mothers box back in the shed loft, but Severus listens to every word Lily says. When she’s done and the only sound she makes is sniffling, Severus summons a handkerchief, holding it out to her without looking. There’s a moment of silence and he thinks she might push it away, but she doesn’t. Lily takes the handkerchief, then launches into Severus before she can even use it. She hugs him tightly. Before he can resist, Severus feels a slight shift deep inside himself, like the turning of a rust-covered gear.
The rusty gears are slow but steady. He hugs her back. He lets himself hug her, and just for a moment, a single moment, the world seems a little lighter.
Severus lets go suddenly and steps back. Looking down at Lily’s tear-stained cheeks, she smiles up at him. He bows his head, turning quickly to walk away. “See you tomorrow!” She calls after him.
As he walks away, he thinks nasty words to himself. The ones that have been etched into him for years now and make him sound like his father. He thinks she’s stupid for thinking he’ll come again tomorrow, stupid for showing up at all, for crying over him when he’s been so mean.
He tells himself to shut up.
The rest of that night, he stares at the cardboard box in the corner. The one he knows his mother’s wooden box is buried in. But doesn’t touch it.
Severus goes back to the spot every day. And every day he sits and listens to Lily talk. She talks about her friends and the fun she’s had, the classes she likes, and the ones she struggles in. He almost smiles when she says potions are her favorite, but then she launches into a story about James Potter making a cauldron explode and he rolls his eyes. But even when she talks of the people he hates, he still listens. Every day, the part of him that sounds like his housemates gets a little quieter.
It’s a humid mid-August day when Severus digs out the wooden box and carries it down to his and Lily’s spot.
He gets there before her and sits down. He absently fidgets with his wand, letting himself think of his mother for the first time in a very long time. His memories of her are foggy, he can’t remember her face now, but he remembers the soft way she spoke. He remembers learning how to swim in the cold lake. He remembers her singing him to sleep, he can almost hear her singing to him now. Severus doesn’t realize that he has closed his eyes until he hears Lily gasp.
His eyes snap open looking around wildly for danger, but he sees none. He turns to Lily confused, but she isn’t looking at him. She’s looking down and around where Severus sits. Big, bright wildflowers have bloomed all around him.
A tear escapes Severus’ eye before he can stop it. Lily doesn’t see, sitting next to him while still looking at all the flowers, until she notices the wooden box next to her. She picks it up, and he speaks before she can ask. “It’s my mother's box.”
She looks at him wide-eyed, never hearing him speak of his mother before. “Have you looked inside?” She whispers, and he shakes his head. “Are you going to?” Another shake. “Can… Can I open it?” Severus looks over at her and down at the box and slowly nods his head.
She uses her wand to try to unlock it but it doesn’t work. She tries a couple of other spells, but none of them work. Severus' brow furrows more and more with each attempt. Lily tries one more, looking determined, but her shoulder slumps as her magic once again bounces off the box. She looks at Severus hopelessly, “I’m sorry Sev…” She extends the box back out to him.
He shrugs as he takes the box. Short of blowing it up, Lily had tried every spell that he would’ve tried. His hands settle in his lap, the box in one and his wand in the other. He starts to fidget again.
“Maybe she charmed it so only she could open-”
As he absently moves his wand around, Severus taps it against the box accidentally. Interrupting Lily with the clicking of a lock, the lid of the box pops open. Severus stands suddenly, shoving the box into Lily’s hands and pacing a few feet away.
Severus continues to pace as Lily starts to ask, “Can I…” He nods before she can finish. He hears her take a deep breath, then the rustling of paper. He keeps pacing, not looking over.
It feels like the silence stretches on for decades and Severus finally gives in and looks over at Lily. She’s holding a mix of notebook paper and small sections of parchment. Lily looks up at Severus, tears brimming her eyes. “I think you should read these, Sev.”
Severus takes an instinctive step back and shakes his head. “No, I- No.”
Lily is quiet for a moment, then sniffs a little. “How about I read them to you?” Severus feels his body tense, but it may be the only way he can actually hear what’s written. If he were to read it alone, he might get mad, and he doesn’t know what he’d do if that were to happen.
Lily waits, and when no answer comes, she speaks again. “We can start with one today. Just one, then we can close it again.” Severus feels himself nod before he can think it through. He walks back, sitting down next to Lily, bracing himself for whatever he’s about to hear.
Lily starts to read.
"My Sweet Severus,
I write this while sitting in the rocking chair beside your cradle. Though you were born mere days ago, the rate you are growing is incredible. My heart swelled with joy when the healers confirmed your strength and health. Labor was not easy for me but your existence has made every second worth the pain ten times over. My darling boy, you are everything I have ever wanted and more, the love that fills my heart is indescribable and overwhelming.
I wish I could end this letter here, with only joy to speak of. There are things I must write down for you my dearest, explanations in case I am not able to tell you myself someday. The healers discovered something within me during pregnancy. A sickness that had not yet become dangerous but was rapidly on its way. The healers were not able to slow it with you already growing within me, they feared it would harm you and I would not let them take the risk.
Now that you are here, they have concluded that there is nothing that can be done now but wait. They predict the sickness could take me at any time, but it is most likely I will not survive until the end of the year. Severus, my love, my light, whether a year or a hundred, no amount of time would ever be enough for me. A greedy mother you have, I’m sorry Darling. I wish I did not have to go, to leave you. But you are not alone in this world, Severus. Hardships will come and go, shadows may linger longer than you please, but you will never be alone.
There are so many lessons I wish to teach you, so many words I wish to speak to you, I’m afraid I cannot fit them all into a single letter. Remember you are loved, Severus. And my Dear, if I am not there to say the words to you aloud… you must never be so clever you forget to be kind, and you must never wield such power, you forget to be polite. Please, take this with you, and live the most wonderful life.
All my love,
Mum"
Tears blur his eyes as Severus listens to Lily read his mother describe her incurable illness. He listens as his mother uses Lily’s voice to say it all. The lessons she wished to teach him, the time she wished to have, the life she wanted for him…
As Lily finishes, Severus stands and walks away. Lily chases after him and shoves the wooden box into his hands. He tries to refuse, scared that his anger will get the best of him, but she doesn’t let him, turning and running once it’s in his hands. Severus continues back to the shed.
When he climbs up into the dusty loft, Severus cries for the first time since he was a little boy.
The next day, a summer storm rips through the small town. The downpouring rain and lightning gave Severus the perfect excuse to not get up. Instead, he stays in bed, listening to the rain, and teetering on the edge between feeling everything and feeling nothing at all.
When the rainy sky has darkened, Severus grabs the wooden box. Examining the outside, he sees the detail he had noticed before. With his wand, he taps the box, and just like before, it pops open. The dates on the letters span over the whole 5 years he and his mother had spent together. As time goes on, they become something more akin to journal entries rather than letters. His mother describes their days, as seemingly perfect and filled with joy, even when things went awry.
His first swimming lesson was completely unsuccessful, he cried and cried that it was cold and would not stop until he was placed back on dry land. The next lesson, he cried as soon as he realized which path they had walked down. Eventually, he managed a whole day without crying. His mother was so proud.
Severus read every letter. Then read them all again, before burying the wooden box back under his clothes and climbing back into bed.
The storm passes by the next day, and the sun has returned. Yet, Severus still does not leave his bed. The shed warms in the direct sun, with only a small window to let the light breeze through. He tosses and turns, his numb consciousness only pausing with fitful rest.
Severus doesn’t feel his stomach growl until the fourth day. The only times he had climbed down from the loft was to relieve himself and refill his water pitcher. Food had been the last thing on his mind, and he wasn't in any hurry to solve this problem.
Then, something happens that never has before. There’s a knock at the door. Severus sits up, grabbing his wand. Immediately questioned his sanity, since the only person who knows he is out here certainly is not going to come knocking for any reason. Then the knocking comes again. “Hello?” Severus calls, the scratch of his unused voice prominent.
“Sev?” Lily.
He climbs down, opening the door wide, then narrowing it as the bright sun pours into the dark shed. But there Lily stands at the opening. The sun causing a halo effect around her bright red hair.
“Thank Merlin,” Lily breathes out as she pushes past him into the shed. “You hadn’t come back, and I know it was a lot to hear your moth- uh, the letter, but then it was days. So I came by yesterday, and your dad said you weren’t there, I assumed you were just out walking by yourself. Then today I tried again and he said you were in the shed and honestly I wasn’t sure what he meant by that and my head kind of went to the worst possible scenario and…”
Lily lets her rambling fade as she looks up at Severus, who has been staring at her since she walked in. He wants to be mad at her, for seeing him like this. He wants to be mad that she knows his shameful secret, but the anger, the rage, he once felt, he can’t seem to find it at the moment… He can’t seem to find any emotions right now.
“Sev… Are you alright? Why are you in a garden shed?”
Severus looks away from Lily, at the musty boards beneath his feet. From the corner of the shed, he thinks he hears a mouse scurry. Severus shakes his head a bit, clearing his throat. “I sleep here.”
“You… sleep here?” Severus nods once, then gestures to the loft where a bare mattress lay, a single blanket thrown to the side. Lily’s face goes red, her face twisting into an expression Severus knows well. He silently prepares for her to hex him. “Where is your trunk?” Lily grits out, her jaw staying clenched as she speaks. Severus, confused, gestures again to the loft. “Grab it. Fill it with your things. Then meet me outside.” Lily’s eyes could shoot daggers as she turns on her heel and steps back out of the shed. Though she doesn’t go far, Severus can hear her pacing in front of the shed.
He stares after her for a moment before climbing back up and doing what she said. Severus may be void of any emotion but he still has enough sense to listen when Lily Evans gives an order. After his trunk holds his few possessions and clothing, he meets Lily outside. “Finished?” She asks.
“Yes,” Severus responds. Lily nods, face still holding onto some of the red that appeared earlier. She pulls out her wand, stomps past Severus, then marches away, his trunk floating in tow. Severus has stopped any attempt to rationalize what she is doing and starts following Lily up the road without a second thought.
Soon, they have crossed the familiar field and are walking up to a very nice house. Severus has fallen behind. The lack of food and movement over the past few days finally catching up to him. But when he sees Lily open the door and walk right in, he stops completely.
Lily appears again a minute later, scanning before stopping on him. “It’s alright, you can come in,” She calls. But he still doesn’t move.
She walks back over to him. “What’s the matter? Nobody’s home right now, mum and dad are driving Petunia back to school early.” When this still doesn’t dislodge Severus from where he’s standing, Lily grabs his hand, and, not-so-gently, pulls him up and into the house. “C’mon. Stop being a child.”
Severus is pulled through the house, his destination a mystery to him. He doesn’t bother looking around. He doesn’t need to see what he already knows will be a warm inviting home, but what he can’t avoid no matter how he tries, is the smell— or the lack thereof. He squeezes his eyes shut.
He opens his eyes as they stop somewhere. Before he can get his bearings, Lily is dragging Severus into a bathroom and shoving towels at him. “Shower, you’ll feel better.” The door closes.
Alone in the bathroom, it takes Severus several moments to catch up to where he is at. He’s working on auto-pilot when he turns on the shower. Setting the towels aside, he strips his clothes, the same ones he’s been wearing since he heard his mother's first letter.
His mother's letter. Severus lets those words wash over him once again. “And my Dear, if I am not there to say the words to you aloud… you must never be so clever you forget to be kind, and you must never wield such power, you forget to be polite. Please, take this with you, and live the most wonderful life.”
He doesn’t know how long he has been standing there when he notices the steam start to waft over the top of the shower. The water burns his skin as he steps in. He idly looks at the various products lining the wall. Without touching any, he sits, letting the water burn away any traces of the garden shed.
A gentle knock comes from the door and he hears Lily's voice, “Hey Sev, I’m gonna open the door and leave you some clothes.” The door opens. “They’re muggle clothes, I hope that’s alright… there’s food when you’re done.” The door closes. Severus continues to sit under the water spray. A voice, that sounds like a mix of Lily and a memory, floats through his head.
When it finally fades, Severus isn’t sure where his tears end and the shower water starts. But he scrubs his face and stands. Ignoring the shake in his legs from hunger and exhaustion, he showers properly. He nearly trips stepping out of the shower and catches himself on the counter. He slowly looks up at the mirror and a wave of relief falls over him when it is so fogged he cannot see himself. He finds the towel and clothes that were left for him and he slips the strange muggle clothes on with relative ease, having a vague memory from when he wore clothes like this years ago.
He follows the sound of soft music as he finally wanders out into the main room of the house. Down a short hall, he finds Lily. Her back is turned to him, she is humming and stirring something over a stove, and a song plays over an old radio sitting in the corner. Severus’ stomach growls as he takes in the smell drifting toward him. “Oh!” Lily exclaims, turning around to see Severus. “I was just heating up some soup, I’ll get us some bowls.” She moves around the kitchen with familiarity and ease that Severus has only ever felt in the potions classroom. His mind starts to wander there now as Lily serves up the soup but is brought back quickly when she places a hot bowl into his hands. “Here, follow me.”
They eat in a dining room, Severus uses all his will not to tip the bowl directly into his mouth. The more he eats, the more his stomach seems to growl. As he spoons the last bite into his mouth, he quickly gets up to get more. As if she could read his mind, Lily stands as well. But as he fills his bowl, she washes hers, then joins him back in the dining room. When he goes for a third, she stops him. “Uh Sev, wait. When’s the last time you ate?” Severus does a mental calculation and then answers. “Four days.”
Lily’s face shifts but she turns her head to hide it. “Your stomach will need to adjust back to food, you should let that settle first or you’ll be sick.” She says without looking at him. He looks down at his bowl and struggles against arguing. He knows she’s right but can’t help but feel like a petulant child when his stomach is screaming for more. He walks back to the kitchen and washes his bowl. “I made up the bed in the spare room, you can sleep there.” Severus wasn’t surprised by these words, but part of him hoped she’d let it go, let him go. That he could go back to his small, safe shed, and be left alone. If this was anybody else, he would’ve argued and refused, but this isn’t just anybody. This is Lily Evans.
Severus follows Lily through the house and tries to make a mental map as Lily points a few rooms out, but things start to blur together as exhaustion settles over him. “…And this, is where you can stay. It’s not much, but I rather have you here than that shed. Come and go as you please, but don’t hesitate to come find me if you need anything. Alright?” Lily stands and waits for his acknowledgment. He nods, then walks into the room. His trunk sits atop the dresser but has been emptied of all his clothing. “Oh, I’m washing it all, there are spare clothes in the dresser in the meantime.” He nods again. “Right, I’ll leave you then.” The door closes behind her, and Severus sits down at the foot of the bed. Then, he lays back.
Then, Severus falls into a dreamless sleep.