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Instant regret. That’s the first thing she felt as she slowly tried to wake up. Although a close second feeling: pain. It took a while to fully come to consciousness, it felt like her brain was trying to wade through mud. Once she could open her eyes and take stock of herself she wished she never woke up. She was in a guest room, she was alone, the sun was weak and low through the window she guessed it had to be early morning. Next, the not so nice observations; her dress was torn, her underwear was gone, she had no memory past arriving at the party last night and, the icing on the cake, she was sore.
Veronica had to fight back the tears, she wasn’t that soft preppy girl anymore, she didn’t have the luxury of tears. She grabbed her purse which was thankfully nearby and began the task of sneaking out without being noticed. A few people were passed out in the living room as she snuck by the edges and slipped out the sliding door that had been left open. It was still mostly dark out but Veronica saw clearly the tires of her car slashed. She walked fast, bordering on a run, two block over before sitting on the curb and letting silent tears fall, giving herself a few minutes to grieve. That last vestige of hope she had clung to after Lily’s death finally left her. Unfortunately she didn’t have time to mourn her lost innocence, not if she wanted to take care of everything before the rest of the world woke up.
She knew there was a gas station one more block over, she picked herself up and wandered over until she found the pay phone and called a cab. While waiting for her ride she struggled with how she wanted to handle this predicament she seems to have got herself in. Well, she didn’t want to handle it really, she wanted to close her eyes and when she opened them again it would all be a bad dream but sadly that wasn’t going to happen. Dad was out for the next two days on a case, not that she would want him to know what happened but still, being alone right now made her chest ache. She should just go home, forget about it and put it behind her, but there’s that part of her the part that wants justice, wants someone to fight for her and acknowledge what happened was wrong. Against her better judgment when the cab pulls up she directs it to the Balboa county sheriffs office.
Deputy Don, well now Sheriff Lamb but she’d never willingly give him that title, was the latest bane of her existence. She remembered when he was first hired on at the department, she was 13 and finally starting to see why Lily was always boy crazy. Deputy Don was her first “adult crush”. Her and Lily had giggled over him while eating dinner with her dad at the station, Lily shamelessly encouraged her to flirt with the young deputy. Even back then he was a tool, he always thought he was gods gift to the world. Veronica had thought the self assurance was hot, now it’s just annoying. Still up until this whole thing with her dad being ousted Veronica and Lamb had a fragile truce. He was slightly nicer to her than most people, whether because she was the bosses daughter or because he thought she was just a kid she wasn’t sure. Regardless, putting aside his opportunistic personality and his treatment of her dad he was still a good deputy, or at least he used to be.
Veronica tries to breath, her whole body is shaking as she steps out of the cab. She’s thought about just turning around and going home every second it took to arrive here. Luckily it’s not quite late enough for the morning shift to be in, she noticed the clock in the cab said 5:47 as she got out. The hallways are empty but when she gets to the reception she’s struck to see Inga already behind the desk. Inga sends her on in with a pitying look and once Veronica steps inside the office and closes the door behind her she has the odd sensation that she just closed the door to her last hope of a normal life.
“Veronica Mars, little early, or should I say late for you to be out isn’t? Tell me Veronica why must you bother me before I’ve even finished my coffee.” He raises the thermos in his hand to her and gives her a grin. It doesn’t help her nerves but at least it doesn’t make them worse.
“I want to report a crime.” Wow, her voice is much smaller than she planned on, she winces internally at how pathetic she sounds.
“And what crime is that?” he raises an eyebrow looking her up and down.
“A rape.” She pauses to suck in a breath fighting the choking in her throat. “I was raped, at Shelly Pomeroy’s last night.” There she said it, she got it out but it doesn’t feel like a weight off her chest. No, it feels like the vice squeezing her heart just tightened because he gives a little huff of a laugh as he regards her.
“The sheriff’s department is not here for school girl one night stand regrets. You’re a big girl Veronica, you have to live with the choices you made”
“THE CHOICES I MADE?!” she cuts his tirade off with a yell. “I was drugged, I was raped, I didn’t chose any of this. Someone raped me, they committed a crime and it’s your job to investigate.”
“Investigate? What do you want me to do Veronica? Shall I round up the sons of Neptune’s finest, harass upstanding citizens and their over priced lawyers? Be a big girl Veronica.” He sat his thermos down and leaned forward as she fought the tears that were starting to spill. “Why don’t you go see the wizard, ask him for a little backbone.” At that she ran out of his office, out of the station and didn’t stop until she was far away from him.
When she finally couldn’t run any longer, her lungs burning and her feet aching from the heels she wore she collapsed against a building in a small alley and sobbed. No more silent tears, these were big aching sobs she couldn’t hold back. She slid down the wall to the pavement beneath and hugged her knees to her chest. She was utterly and completely alone. No friends, no mom, they had all abandoned her. Dad was gone more than he was home trying to earn enough to afford to live in a California coastal town, and the deputies she grew up with turned their back on her.
After a few minutes she finally got her sobs under control. She attempted to stand and walk away but her body just wasn’t cooperating, she felt so helpless. Right as she gave up again and was leaning her head back a city bus passed by. On the side was an ad; an ad for Cliff McCormack. She started laughing at that. What did she have to lose, her dignity (and virginity) were already gone and she didn’t think she’s make it through another cab ride alone. With one last deep sigh she pulled herself up, straightened her dress and used the last of her change at another pay-phone that was luckily nearby. She didn’t give details she was too wrung out already, just a quick hey I need a ride and the address and she slumped back to the ground praying her got there soon before someone else found her.
“Jesus V, what happened to you” She heard his voice and opened her eyes overcome with relief seeing him. She stumbled up and to the passenger seat of his car. When he didn’t start driving she looked over to find him staring at her with wide eyes. When she didn’t say anything still he put the car in drive and pulled out. The drive was short, she closed her eyes trying to get her emotions under control thinking he would take her home but the car ride ended a short 5 minutes later outside of his office. He didn’t speak just got out and went to her side to help her out to. The silence continued until they were inside his empty office and he sat her on the couch.
“Veronica, hey look at me.” He gently tilted her chin up. “What happened? Who did this to you?”
She just shook her head, knowing if she tried to talk she’d break, again.
“V, whatever happened you need to tell me. I’m on your side; but I can’t help you if I don’t know. Lawyer client privilege, nothing leaves this office unless you say so, just let me in.” He patiently waited her out, one hand rubbing soothing circles on her back the other holding her hand. Cliff wasn’t normally a soft man. He was a good man, a man she trusted since he and her dad had became good friends just a few years into her dads tenure as sheriff. But, when most people thought of Cliff they thought of the larger than life lawyer to the seediest of Neptune’s citizens, he was anything but soft spoken and he loved that his job allowed him to be his boisterous self. Seeing him look at her and touch her like he was scared she would break at any second hit Veronica to her core, someone did still care about her.
She took a deep breath. “No one knows. Not even my dad. NEVER my dad!” Her voice shook but she managed to make it hard all the same.
“You have my word.” And his word was enough.
She spilled her guts to him on that lumpy couch in his downtown office. How she went to the party to prove they didn’t break her. How they ended up actually breaking her. Waking up drugged and alone and in pain. The debacle with the sheriff and finally how she ended up here. By the end she felt as if the strings had been cut, the weight was lifted. She slumped forward resting her head on his shoulder and he held her firmly.
He gave her a few minutes to compose herself while he did the same as he held her tightly. He was on the verge of tears himself, out of sadness or anger he wasn’t sure. He tried to pace his breathing to calm down, he didn’t want her to see the affect her story had on him. This once carefree girl he had watched grow up had to now deal with more in the past year than many deal with their entire lives. Life wasn’t fair, but he would make sure she got through this. He’d dealt with these type of things before with his clients, he just never thought it’d be her.
“Come here V.” His voice was gentle as he grasped her arms and slowly pulled her back up to a sitting position. He couldn’t help it and wiped a stray tear from her cheek as he met her eyes. “No one knows without your consent, I promise. But, there’s some things we need to do and I will be with you every step of the way do you understand?”
Veronica was still raw and just wanted to go home so she sat silent at his statements.
“Veronica, we need to go to a doctor.” She tensed instantly. “Hey, hey, it doesn’t have to be in Neptune. I’ll take you to another town if you want but you need a doctor. We don’t know what you took or if they used protection. A doctor can make sure you are safe and healthy. You will get through this and you won’t be alone, but you’ve got to let me take you.” His eyes were gentle and kind in a way she hadn’t even seen when her mother left them.
She knew he was right. She had been so caught up in the shock of it all she forgot about that part of it but she did need a doctor, she wasn’t trusting her rapist to have used a condom. She nodded her consent and he held out a hand to help her up and back to the car they went.
The 45 minute drive to the next town over seemed to pass by quickly in her haze and when she looked up from the passenger seat she saw they had already arrived at the local hospital. Cliff came around and opened her door and helped her out, less from a chivalrous standpoint and more because she didn’t think she could make herself move. She followed behind him as he led her through the halls her hand in his and she only caught bits and pieces of his conversation with a nurse at the desk before she was being led back to a small room.
“Veronica?” he bent down to look her in the eyes.
“Hmm”
“This is nurse Maggie, she’s gonna take care of you, ok?” He grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. She finally looked up and acknowledged the nurse in the room. “I promise I will be right out that door, I won’t go anywhere so if you need me I’ll be right there.”
Veronica couldn’t speak, being in the hospital made it even more real and she was feeling more scared than she had when she first woke up. She managed a jerky nod of her head but it took her a few more seconds to release the death grip on his hand and let him walk away. Once he closed the door though he spoke loud enough for her to hear “Still right here Veronica” that eased her heart a little.
The nurse was very kind to Veronica and was sure to tell her everything she was about to do before she did it. She drew some blood for the drug test, she went ahead and gave Veronica some meds to protect against any potential diseases and gave her a plan B pill since Veronica was not on birth control. Veronica sat numbly and took it all.
“Alright honey, now I know this is difficult for you but would you let us do a rape kit? You don’t have to decide to do anything with it right this instance but if you wanted to later we really need to get this done now since it’s already been a few hours.” The nurse spoke softly like Veronica was a skittish animal, which she guessed she probably was.
“He said it wasn’t” she managed to mumble out.
“Who said what honey?”
She sucks in a deep breath. “Sheriff, said it wasn’t rape. Was my fault.” Her eyes were fixed on her shoes as she spoke. She flinched a little when she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up into the angry eyes of the nurse.
“It was non-consensual and it was NOT your fault Veronica no matter what some bumbling sheriff says. You can request our local department handle this since you came here for the test if you want. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do but, nothing that happened was your fault. Would you like to talk to your friend before you decide?”
“No, I’ll do it.” Veronica closed her eyes and tried to block out what was about to happen. Most likely nothing would ever come from it but maybe she could help someone else if he ever did it again.
Finally, all the poking and prodding was over and Veronica could finally put her clothes back on. She gingerly opened the door to find Cliff leaning against the wall his head tiled back and eyes closed. He had always seemed so unflappable and upbeat but now he looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Quickly though that look was gone as he lifted his head and caught sight of her giving her a blinding smile.
“Nurse said we could go for now. Have to follow up with a blood test in a month to make sure the meds worked.” She tried to sound nonchalant.
“Then lets blow this popsicle stand!” he gallantly held out his arm which she looped hers through and made their way out of the hospital and back to the car. Once she was safely back in the passenger seat and they were on the road she rolled down the windows of his car letting in the hot midday air. With a deep sigh she finally felt at peace and that she could put this behind her now.
“Where to Veronica? Want to stay with me at the office for the rest of the day, there’s plenty of dry boring files that need someone to review and summarize them.” He tried to entice her.
“No thanks Cliffy” she patted his shoulder. “I should take Backup to the beach to make up for being gone so long. The neighbor was supposed to take him out but they usually just take him to the front of the complex to do his business, so he doesn’t get any real exercise until I get back.”
“Your choice V. But if you change your mind or you want dinner brought over just let me know.” He gave her knee a squeeze. From anyone else she would’ve resented the coddling but she knew he was just shaken up too, and probably hated to let her out of his sight. He knew she could take care of herself, she had been doing a good enough job of it so far.
Veronica was grateful to have Backup in the apartment. Of course dog is mans best friend but Backup was even more. He didn’t judge or expect anything from Veronica, he would be her cuddle bear when she was sad or her tough protector when she was out on a job, he kept all her secrets and she didn’t ever have to pretend with him. She didn’t get any sleep that night, she’d slept enough in her drug induced haze the night before. Her and Backup stayed in the living room watching whatever old movies played late at night and if she snuck him some popcorn, well who would know.
Her dad got back a day early, he came in around 10 the night after the ordeal. He’d caught the bail jumper and would be collecting a nice paycheck, so he was in a good mood. Veronica tried to match his smiles and pretend that everything was fine, and it must’ve worked because he didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong.
——————
Cliff must’ve kept his word, not that Veronica thought he would lie to her. But, the days passed and her dad seemed none the wiser to what happened when he was gone. It was Summer so Veronica spent most of her time playing receptionist for his PI office or down at the beach with Backup. She still would have moments where she would just freeze, remembering what happened to her. She didn’t feel like herself anymore, she wasn’t Ronnie, Lily’s best friend, cheerleader, popular chick. That person was gone and she wasn’t sure who the new person was that she was becoming or if she even liked this person.
One unbearably hot Thursday when her dad had kicked her out of the office with the order to go do normal teenager things Veronica decided to embrace the change that was happening to her. She was walking downtown still pissed at her dad for sending her out when she walked by the hair salon, and it was like a light bulb went off. Maybe she could make the outside reflect what she was feeling inside. Luckily they had some walk-in openings when she went inside. Veronica debated going completely crazy, maybe dying her hair a weird color or getting streaks put into it, but figured she wouldn’t put her dad through that much of a shock. Plus she wasn’t sure who the new Veronica was but she didn’t think she was going to be crazy colored hair girl. She told the stylist she wanted a big change, something sharper around the edges and drastic. Veronica leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes letting the woman have complete control. She tried not the flinch when she felt the weight of her hair dropping off as it was cut but when she opened her eyes half and hour later it took her breath away. It was different, no one would mistake her for sweet innocent Ronnie anymore, she was now undeniably Veronica Mars.
Later that night she walked into the apartment like nothing had changed. Her dad had his back turned from her watching over a sizzling pan that smelled like some sort of chicken dish. When he finally turned she saw him do a double take and smirked at his face.
“Huh, somethings different about you. Ohhh, I know did you get another growth spurt?! I told you one day you might just be able to reach the top shelf, you just gotta keep eating your vegetables, honey.”
“Ha ha.” She deadpanned. “So, like it?”
“It’ll take some getting used to but I can dig it.” She rolled her eyes at him but was glad he didn’t make a big deal about her change. For the rest of the night they laughed over some truly terrible decisions made by the poor souls on America’s Funniest Home Videos and ate their pesto chicken. Keith didn’t bring up the haircut anymore and Veronica felt she could get used to this new normal.
Three days after the haircut Veronica was back working the reception at Mars Investigation. Seems Keith had decided it wasn’t so bad having her work full time now. Veronica figured he was scared of her next big change if she had more free time. Her dad was out, he had to go down to the courthouse for a 2pm case so it was just her left in the office when the door burst open and her favorite public defender strolled in.
“Veronica Mars.” He paused when he looked up from the file he was holding. “Oh, you look sort of like this girl I’m looking for. You haven’t seen her have you? Basically imagine your face with about 3x the hair.”
“He’s a comedian too. Don’t you like it Cliff? I’m going for the edgy rebellious thing.” She found herself smiling at him.
“Whatever floats your boat blondie. Change makes the world go round.”
“I don’t think that’s how the saying goes but … ok. So what do you have for me today?”
“For you? Why Veronica I could never leave these sensitive documents in the hand of a teenager. That would be highly irresponsible. I’ll just leave them here on the corner of the desk with this note, for Keith, to make sure no one is tempted to look into them. And if Keith could have those done by the 22nd that would be perfect.”
“Gotcha, I’ll make sure my dad gets these then.” Veronica was already rifling through the files when Cliff turned to leave. He stopped after a step, not turning around fully but tilting his head to look at her.
“Everything still ok? Do you need a ride for a follow up appointment?”
Veronica sucked in a breath at the reminder even though he was just being considerate. “I’m alright, and I can drive myself.” He gave a nod and continued walking out the door. “Cliff,” she called “thanks.” He gave her a smile before leaving the office.
Veronica kept her word to Cliff. Three weeks before the end of summer she told her dad she was going clothes shopping for the new school year and made a pit stop at the hospital on her way to the outlets outside of town. The check up went much better than the original visit, just a few vials of blood and a half hour wait in a lobby where the only magazines were Better Home and Gardens. She left with a clean bill of health, if her rapist had given her anything thankfully the prophylactic had taken care of it.