Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Take that you foul dragon!” Chrissy flinches at the sound of a wooden sword smacking against a tree trunk.

Old leaves and fallen twigs crunch, and Robin swings her sword against the tree again. “Die, Maleficent! Die!”

The young girl lets out an animalistic screech. Something heavy thuds against the ground, and even though her eyes are dutifully closed as she lies “sleeping” on the picnic bench, Chrissy knows that Robin has foregone her princely persona and is pretending to be the dying dragon. Her lively friend lets out a few half-hearted cries, confirming it. 

Chrissy has to bite her lip to keep from smiling at Robin’s theatrics. Sleeping princesses don’t smile until their prince kisses them.

“Princess Aurora, I’m coming!” Robin hollers as she dashes over to her family’s picnic table.

Chrissy can’t hold back her smile now that her favorite part of the game has come. It also doesn’t hurt that she’ll finally be free of the pebble that’s been digging into her back.

A shadow falls over her face, blocking out the warm sun. “Fair Princess, what did that evil fairy do to you?”

She tries her best to keep a straight face as her Prince Phillip takes her in. It’s hard, though. She’s too excited for what’s to come.

“Maybe true love’s kiss will break this spell!” Robin declares.

Chrissy’s heart flutters as she senses Robin lean down over her. Chapped lips that taste of strawberry ice cream brush against her own. She doesn’t know why it makes her whole body tingle down to her toes, but she likes it all the same.

As Robin moves out of her space, she slowly blinks open her eyes. Robin’s freckled face hovers above hers in nervous anticipation, blocking the rest of the world from view. It doesn’t matter. Nothing can harm her when her prince is near.

“You saved me, my prince!”

“I did,” she grins, triumphant. “Now come on! We’ve got to go back to the castle!”

Hand in hand, the young girls race through the trees that separate their backyards. She wishes the trees were a forest with a real-life fairy godmother cottage in it, so the two of them could run away together, escaping the start of second grade next week. For the first time, the two girls would not be in the same class. Chrissy doesn’t know how she will survive eight whole hours without Robin, especially after spending the entire summer with her. 

But her mother says that she’ll survive. She’ll make new friends and still be able to see Robin after school every day. And they’ll be able to play prince and princess until the street lights come on. So, yes, Chrissy isn’t looking forward to the change, but so long as she has Robin to protect her from evil dragons, the change doesn’t seem so scary.

_______

The halls of Hawkins High seem especially crowded today as Chrissy makes her way to her locker. It’s the first day back from winter break. She wonders if everyone decided to make being on time for class their New Year’s resolution.

She reaches her locker through sheer determination, having only been almost knocked to her feet a handful of times. Chrissy sheds her pink puffer coat and carefully hangs it in her locker. The Indiana winter is brutal but it feels like July in the hall.

“Chrissy, Oh my god!” Heather squeals, running towards her.

Chrissy barely has time to drop her bag before Heather Holloway wraps her in a bear hug. The air escapes her lungs and she thinks she might have a cracked rib, but Chrissy can’t find it in herself to care. She missed her best friend that much.

“How was Florida?” she asks when Heather finally releases her and her giggling subsides.

The taller girl lets out a sigh and flops back against the lockers. “Amazing. If not for the havoc the humidity does to my hair, I’d move there in a heartbeat.” She gasps, grabbing Chrissy’s hands. “We should go there for spring break!”

Smiling, Chrissy shakes her head. Freeing her hands from Heather’s grasp, she digs through her locker to find her books for homeroom. “That’s ages away.”

“So? No time to start planning like the present.” She nudges Chrissy’s shoulder. “C’mon, sandy beaches, ocean views, and hot college guys who’ll buy us beer if we bat our eyelashes just right. You can’t tell me that doesn’t sound appealing.”

Chrissy rolls her eyes. “I’ll think about it, alright.”

Heather grabs her arm and sways her back and forth. “What’s there to think about? You and me in the tiniest bikinis surrounded by hot guys. We can even get Tammy T. in on this! C’mon. Beach trip! Beach trip! Beach trip!”

“Alright! Fine,” she relents, cheeks burning from her smile. “Let’s go to Florida!”

“Yay! My horoscope was right. ‘85 is going to be a great year!” The bell rings overhead as if it’s celebrating with her. “Shit, I’ve got to go. See you at lunch?”

“See you then.”

“Miss you already!”

Chrissy watches as Heather bounces off, her ponytail swishing behind her. She goes to pick up her dropped backpack, when her charm bracelet snags on the hem of her sweater, ripping at the fibers.

The hallway starts to clear around her, and she knows she’s going to be late for class. Quick as she can, she untangles the tarnished letter “R” charm. For years now, her mother has been begging her to get rid of the old thing. The cheap silver polish completely chipped off the charm by middle school, and its current copper hue doesn’t match the rest of her silver jewelry. Her mother has even tried bribing her with new jewelry if she throws it away, but Chrissy can’t let it go. It was the last thing Robin gave her before her family moved away the summer before fifth grade. A little piece of her to remember her by.

They’d tried to keep in touch, but postage stamps cost a lot of allowance money, and long-distance calls to Minnesota cost even more. For the longest time, she hated Robin’s great aunt Mildred with a burning passion. Why did she have to break her hip and force her best friend to move hundreds of miles away from her? What had Chrissy done to her to cause such a hateful act?

Over the years, though, the frequency of their letters grew increasingly distant, and her hatred for a woman she’d never met cooled into an igneous rock that settled in her gut.

Maybe it’s because she’s thinking about Robin, but as she walks towards homeroom, her eyes catch on a girl who looks almost like the spitting image of Robin. At least, a grown-up version of her. The girl closes her locker and turns to go to class.

Chrissy stops in her tracks.

No, that is Robin. Her hair is much shorter than it was and it looks like her freckles have multiplied, but she has the same nose and brownish green eyes. She’s still her Robin.

And she’s walking away from Chrissy.

Ignoring the warning bell chiming overhead, Chrissy follows her. If that’s Robin–and she only thinks if, because she doesn’t quite trust her eyes to be truthful–then she can’t let her slip away. Not again.

Robin starts to jog. When did she get so tall? Despite her athleticism, Chrissy’s little legs can’t keep up with her.

“Robin! Robin, wait!”

The other girl hesitates. She glances over her shoulder, and recognition sparks in her eyes. “Chrissy?”

“Hey,” she says, finally reaching her. She grabs her wrist, so she won’t lose her again. “I’m so glad to see you! How have you been? I didn’t think you’d be coming back to Hawkins.”

“I, well—“ A commotion down the hall cuts her off.

“Fuckin’ freak!” Billy Hargrove’s thunderous voice is followed by the clang of a body being shoved into lockers.

Chrissy turns just in time to watch Eddie Munson wrench out of Billy’s hold and throw him against the lockers. A small crowd has gathered around the two boys, indifferent to the fact that class has already started.

“The fuck did you call my friend? Huh?” Eddie shakes him by the collar of his denim jacket. “C’mon, tough boy. Why don’t you say it again now that you’ve got a bigger audience?”

Billy spits in his face and shoves him to the ground. “Don’t touch me you fuckin’ faggot.” He draws back his leg to kick the fallen boy in the gut.

Chrissy turns her head, hearing Eddie’s pained grunt. She flinches when the impact of Billy’s kick lands again. Robin stands by her, staring at the ongoing scuffle, face white as a ghost.

“Mr. Munson! Mr. Hargrove! My office, now!” Principal Higgins’ voice booms. 

Billy stands there and for a moment, Chrissy thinks he’s going to turn on the principal. Something in his demeanor melts. He flashes Higgins an apologetic smile, and heads toward the office. 

One of Eddie’s friends, a black guy, wearing one of their hand-painted club shirts, helps him up off the ground. He shoulders Eddie’s weight. The taller boy has his arm wrapped around his middle, and Chrissy wonders if Billy cracked his ribs. 

Eddie’s friend – Jake, she thinks, or maybe it’s John – turns to Higgins. “For the record, Billy started it.”

“I don’t care who started it. I don’t tolerate violence on school property.”

The boy scoffs. “Are you serious?”

“I am. And if you want to keep questioning my authority, you’ll be suspended too.”

Jeremy (Jacob?) opens his mouth to say more, but Eddie speaks up. “Let it go, man. It’s not worth it.”

Jeff (Jeff! That sounds right!) rolls his eyes, but helps Eddie to the office.

Principal Higgins turns to the rest of the students, who’d been watching the spectacle. “Well, what are you all standing around here for? Get to class!”

Slowly, the crowd disperses around them, teenagers chatting about the excitement of it all.

Robin looks down at where Chrissy’s hand still holds onto her wrist. She eases out of her loose grip. “I should get going.”

No, no, no. She just got her back. Chrissy can’t let her go so soon. “Where’s your homeroom? We can walk there together.”

“Building B.”

Drat. Her class is in Building A. 

“Well, maybe we can sit together at lunch? So we can catch up.”

Robin takes a few steps back. She still looks rattled from witnessing the fight. Chrissy hopes she’s okay. That this first day won’t dissuade her from returning. “Yeah, maybe. I should probably get going.”

“Okay, see you at lunch!”

Chrissy watches as Robin rushes off to class. Hope fills her chest at the possibility of getting her best friend back.

Her next few classes crawl by. She thinks she spends more time staring at the clock on the wall rather than at her droning teachers. It’s not their fault she can’t focus on the lessons. She’s too busy daydreaming about what her life will be like now that Robin is back in it.

She wonders which house her family moved to. For the past few years, her old house has been occupied by a young couple, who Chrissy babysits for sometimes. It’s been weird being back in that house again without the Buckley’s belongings in it. She wonders if they still have the green apple-colored shag rug she accidentally threw up on after one too many candy bars one Halloween. She hopes so. It was a good rug, and the vomit stain was barely noticeable after Mrs. Buckley cleaned it.

By the time lunch rolls around, Chrissy is vibrating with anticipation. She practically sprints to the cafeteria when the bell rings. The whole time she’s in line for food, she scans the students’ faces for those familiar freckles, but by the time she’s paid for her food, she still hasn’t found Robin. She wonders if she got to the cafeteria too fast. It might take a while for Robin to locate it, but she’ll get here eventually, she tells herself.

She sits at an empty table facing the entrance, so when Robin finally does come, she’ll be able to quickly spot her. Chrissy picks at her food as the minutes wear on. Heather, Tammy, and some of the cheerleaders come to sit with her. She makes sure to leave an open seat next to her for whenever Robin finally shows up.

Any minute now.

She knows that Hawkins High is relatively big, but it shouldn’t take too long to locate the lunchroom. She should be walking in right about now.

She doesn’t.

Then suddenly the bell’s ringing and as she and her friends pick up their trash, all Chrissy can think about is if Robin’s okay. She’d seemed pretty spooked after the fight this morning. She wonders if she went home for the day.

Walking to fifth period, Chrissy thinks she sees her exiting the library, but when she calls out her name, the girl doesn’t turn. She can’t remember what outfit Robin was wearing this morning, so maybe she called out to the wrong short-haired, tomboy-looking girl. She flushes with embarrassment.

Chrissy doesn’t see Robin again until first period the next day. She’s already sitting at a desk in the middle of the room. Buzzing with excitement over getting to share a Tuesday/Thursday class with her, Chrissy takes the seat beside her.

“Hey, I didn’t see you at lunch yesterday.”

Robin’s eyes widen when she looks over at her. “I wasn’t feeling well. Decided to skip.”

“Oh, well, you could have come and sat with us.”

“The smell of the food, couldn’t deal with it.”

“We could have eaten in the library. I wouldn’t have minded.” She wouldn’t mind if Robin wanted to eat next to the dumpsters. She just wants to be near her. She wants to hear about what’s happened to her since elementary school and what she had for breakfast and if she still wants to be a firefighter when she grows up. She wants her friend back, and she wants her now.

Robin doesn’t meet her eyes, which is strange. Why doesn’t she want to look at her? Did she do something to offend her? Chrissy doesn’t think so. They’d barely interacted yesterday. How could she have time to offend her?

But she needs to be sure. “Did I do something wrong?”

“What?” She looks at her now, and things feel right with the world for just a moment. “No, no. I just wasn’t thinking clearly. Needed some peace and quiet to lay my head down.”

“Oh, I understand.” Her shoulders relax. So it wasn’t something she’d done. “Are you feeling better today?”

“A little.”

“Then maybe we can catch up over lunch? We can go wherever you want. I don’t mind.”

The barest hint of a smile plays over her lips. “Yeah, maybe.”

Chrissy wants to say more, but then class starts. Throughout Mrs. Click’s lecture, Chrissy keeps stealing glances at Robin, hoping the other girl will look her way. She does about halfway through the period. Their eyes hold for a beat. Robin’s face reddens, and she looks away. Chrissy doesn’t catch her eyes again. 

Robin dashes out of the classroom when the bell rings, leaving Chrissy with no hope of catching up to her. She must have Dr. Rogers for Chemistry, she figures. Her friends who’ve taken his classes have bemoaned his strict expectations on punctuality. 

Oh, well, she thinks as she gathers her books. At least she’ll be able to see Robin at lunch. Then, they’ll have time to catch up.

Except, she doesn’t see her at lunch. She waits in the cafeteria for a few minutes after students have stopped trickling in, then, pitching her trash, heads to the library. Giving her old friend the benefit of the doubt, she wonders if Robin had been expecting her to meet up in the library. However, when she searches the stacks, she doesn’t find her.

A small ember of insecurity flickers within her. Could Robin be avoiding her?

She tries to brush it away. Why would she, her Robbie, be avoiding her? It’s not like she’d done something to upset her or push her away. They’d been inseparable once upon a time. That only ended because her family moved to Minnesota, so what could’ve happened to cause this?

She has to think rationally. This must be a coincidence. Her Robbie wouldn’t avoid her for no reason at all, so something else must be at play. Next time she sees her, she’ll find out what’s really going on. She just has to wait until first period on Thursday, then everything will be fine.

However, when she enters the locker room for her final period P.E. class, her heart jumps at the sight of Robin digging through her gym bag.

“Hey, looks like we share another class.”

Robin jumps at the sound of her voice. Her cheeks are dusted with pink when she looks up at her. “Yeah, guess so.”

“Where were you at lunch? I checked the library, but you weren’t there.”

“Oh. I was – I had a dentist appointment. Totally forgot about it until my mom came to pick me up.”

Tension releases from her shoulders. A dentist appointment. She knew there’d be a logical explanation for her absence. She feels silly for thinking otherwise.

“Oh, how is your mom? Does she still bake those super gooey chocolate chip cookies?” Her mouth waters just thinking about them. She hopes with them being back, she’ll get to taste them again.

“Oh, you know, she’s-”

“Ugh, I cannot stand Mrs. Click,” Heather storms over to them in a fit of rage. “Second day of class, and she’s already giving us pop quizzes. Like, no, I don’t remember what happened during the War of 1812. We haven’t talked about it since before winter break. How am I supposed to remember anything that happened a month ago?”

“Oh, are you talking about Click’s pop quiz?” Tammy T. asks, joining them.

Heather groans in frustration, flopping down on one of the benches.

“Yes,” Chrissy answers for her.

“What did you get for number four? I said Napoleon, but now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think he was British.”

“He’s French,” Robin states.

“Shit.”

“Oh, guys, this is Robin,” Chrissy, remembering her manners, introduces. “We used to be neighbors growing up. Robin, this is Heather and Tammy.”

Heather’s eyes widen. “Wait, Robin, Robin?”

Her heart warms. She’s told Heather about the girl she used to play with many times before, but it still feels good knowing that her best friend listens to her. One of her best friends, she realizes. She has two now that Robin’s back in her life. “Yes, that Robin.”

“Oh my god.” Heather peels off her shirt and tucks it into her gym bag. “You have to sit at lunch with us tomorrow.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Robin says to her Converse.

Chrissy, in the middle of unlacing her shoes, pauses. Maybe? What does she mean by maybe? It’s not like Robin has other friends here yet. Sure, they’d attended the same elementary school as some of their classmates, but none of them are as important to Robin as she is. At least, that’s what she thinks. None of their former elementary school classmates are as important to her as Robin is, so why wouldn’t she feel the same?

The locker room door swings open, and a girl with boyishly short red hair rushes past them.

“Lez alert,” Tammy nods over to Vickie C. 

The ginger faces the wall, back to the rest of the room. She makes impressively quick work of changing into her gym clothes before throwing her things into her locker and heading to the gym.

As soon as the door swings shut, Tammy turns to Robin. “She always stands in the corner alone to change.”

Heather pulls her curls up with her scrunchie. “She’s probably perving out thinking about us in our bras.”

“Ew,” Tammy laughs.

“She’s a total dyke!” Heather continues. “I bet when she gets home, she masturbates to the thought of us in the showers.”

It’s not until how still she sees Robin go that Chrissy questions why she laughed along with Heather and Tammy. It wasn’t a funny thing to say. In fact, it was pretty cruel. They don’t know if Vickie is a lesbian, and spreading a rumor like that could totally ruin someone’s social life. Shame burns in her chest, but she refrains from saying anything to Heather and Tammy as they continue to theorize about Vickie’s personal life.

Robin tugs on her tennis shoes and with a quick, “See you out there,” hurries out of the locker room.

“Speaking of dykes, what’s up with her?” Tammy unclasps her bra to change into her sports bra.

“Robin’s not a . . . ” She trails off. She can’t bring herself to say the word. It feels too dirty to say, and Robin’s not dirty.

Heather hums. “You sure about that? She kind of dresses like a boy.”

“So?” Chrissy challenges. “Just because a girl dresses like a boy doesn’t mean she likes girls.”

“Maybe not, but every dyke I’ve heard of dresses like a boy.”

Chrissy doesn’t know what to say to that, so she lets the conversation drop. When they enter the gym, Coach Pam has dodgeballs already set out. 

“Alright girls, we’re splitting up into two teams,” she says when everyone is in the gym. “Wheeler, Cunningham, you’ll be team captains. I’ll flip a coin. Whoever calls the winning side gets to pick first.”

Without any other warning, Coach Pam flips her coin into the air.

“Heads!” Nancy Wheeler calls out before Chrissy can even open her mouth.

Coach Pam catches the coin and presses it to the back of her palm. “Heads wins. Wheeler, you’re up first.”

“I choose . . . Vickie!”

Heather and Tammy whisper something to each other as the ginger makes her way to Nancy’s side of the gym. From where she stands, Chrissy can’t make out what they’re saying, but she has a feeling it’s a continuation of their locker room talk. She doesn’t know why, but the thought of them saying something like that bothers her.

“Cunningham, your turn!” The coach barks.

Chrissy looks again at her friends. She knows they’ll give her a hard time for her choice; however, she can’t help but call out, “Robin.”

Somewhere in the distance, she hears Heather’s murmured grumbles, but Robin heading towards her captures her focus. She gives Chrissy a weak smile, which carries her through the selection of teams. Suddenly, Coach Pam blows her whistle and the game begins.

Robin, it turns out, is a beast at dodgeball. She’s fast and dodges every single ball that comes her way, whether it be intentionally or from tripping over her own feet in the nick of time. Her aim is impeccable, too. Just about every time she hurdles a ball to the other side of the court, it meets its mark.

“Shit,” Heather says as one of Robin’s dodgeballs hits Vickie square in the boob. “That one’s gotta hurt.”

The two of them sit on the sidelines, waiting for their turns to be tagged back in.

“I’m not even mad about you picking her first anymore. Hell, I’d pick her before you in a heartbeat.”

“As you should.” Chrissy can’t help the pride that swells within her as she watches her old friend get two girls out with a single throw. She’d known Robin had been athletic as a kid – she’d tagged along to plenty of her soccer games – however, she hadn’t realized it was something she’d kept up with. Chrissy had done plenty of sports growing up, but the only one she still does is cheerleading. 

As soon as the two girls Robin got out reach the sidelines, Chrissy and Heather rush back to the court, eager to help Robin lead their team to victory. Balls zoom past them too close to comfort. Heather shrieks in delight as one just barely misses her shoulder. 

Chrissy zeros in on a stray dodgeball rolling underneath the basketball hoop. She dashes over to it. As she reaches down to grab it, her hand brushes someone else's. Her eyes snap up to find Robin staring down at her.

Her heart flutters. Her fingers tingle where they made contact. She yanks her hand back, allowing Robin to take the ball, and wondering why her body feels like it’s on fire.

Robin doesn’t seem interested in the ball anymore, though. Something hardens in her expression. She looks at Chrissy as if she’d said something deeply offensive. It makes her wonder if she did.

She watches Robin turn from her to run after a different ball. With a strong arm, she hurls the ball toward the other team. The impact of the hit rings throughout the gymnasium, Chrissy feels the phantom pain.

“Cunningham, out!”

She looks around, spotting a ball rolling away from her. Oh, she had been struck by someone else’s ball. Figures.

She makes her way to the sidelines, still pondering why Robin had looked at her with such contempt. She spends the rest of the game between the court and the sidelines with Robin continuing to avoid her. Her team ultimately wins, but she can’t find it in herself to care. Ignoring her team’s celebrations, she follows Robin into the locker room.

“Robin. Hey, Robbie! What was that out there?”

“What was what?”

“Did I do something to you?” 

“No.”

“Then why were you avoiding me?”

Robin opens her locker and retrieves her gym bag. She doesn’t have the decency to look at her when she responds. “I wasn’t avoiding you.”

“Yeah, you kind of were.”

Closing her eyes, she sighs. “Chrissy, what are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you trying to be friends with me?”

“Because we are friends.”

“No, we’re not.” Robin finally turns to her, and Chrissy regrets wanting her full attention. She shrinks under the weight of it. “We were friends, but then we grew up and stopped being friends. We’re different people now. We belong with different people.”

“What does that mean?”

“I knew girls like you at my other schools, and none of them were my friends. Just,” Robin’s voice cracks. “Stay away from me, please.”

Her heart plummets. Had she done something wrong? Did she do something to offend her or hurt her feelings? She doesn’t think she did. She’s barely had a chance to. She doesn’t know what’s going on and all she wants to reach out to Robin and hold onto her. She thinks better of it.

“Robbie, I . . . Whatever’s—”

“Oh my god, don’t you get it? I don’t want anything to do with you, so just leave me alone.”

Tears prick in the corners of her eyes. Her throat burns. She knows that if she tries to say anything, she’s going to burst into tears, which, how humiliating is that? Chrissy’s always been a proponent of the healing power of a good cry, but not when it’s in front of the one causing you pain. Not when it could let them feel like they’ve won.

But at this moment, she doesn’t care. Fuck looking weak in front of Robin. It’s Robin for fuck’s sake. “Robin, I’m sorry for whatever I did. I don’t know what I did, but I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve never want to hurt you.”

Robin takes a shuddering breath. “Stop trying to be my friend. I don’t want to be your friend. I want to move on with my life.”

Chrissy feels frozen in place as Robin shoves past her. She wants to turn to chase after her. She wants to beg and plead for her to tell her what she did. For Robin’s forgiveness. She wants to pick up where they left off when they were kids. She wants to start anew. She’ll take anything if it means keeping Robin.

She opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. It wouldn’t matter anyway. The closing locker room door echoes behind her.

Chrissy slides down the lockers and pulls her knees up to her chest. She wracks her brain, trying to figure out what she did, and where she went wrong. But as far as she can tell, she didn’t do anything.

Maybe Robin’s right. Maybe they are drastically different people, and Chrissy didn’t notice. Something inside her shrivels up and dies that day. It’s like a black cloud shrouds her.

_______

For the rest of the semester, Chrissy barely has the energy to leave her room except to go to school or church. She doesn’t know why it hurts this much. It feels even worse than when they were kids and distance pulled their friendship apart. It doesn’t make sense. They’d barely reunited, and yet her rejection cut her to her core.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, she watches Robin make eyes at Steve Harrington, and something bitter and green swirls in her gut. She doesn’t blame her. He’s one of the cutest boys in school. Just about every girl has a crush on him, so it figures that Robin does too. What doesn’t make sense is why this crush of Robin’s makes her feel so . . . sick? Hurt? Jealous? 

The heartache dulls over the summer when she no longer has to see Robin every day. She spends time with her friends going to parties, wasting away the days out on the lake, and nights curled up on couches talking about boys while movies play in the background. They go to the new mall a few times, but Chrissy stops joining them after she spots Robin working at the nautical-themed ice cream shop. She makes up excuses. Feels too silly to tell them the truth.

And then on the Fourth of July, a fire breaks out at the mall. A hundred people die and among them is Heather.

Chrissy retreats into herself, holing herself up in her bedroom. For weeks, she barely eats anything. She doesn’t have the energy to shower regularly, let alone brush her teeth. She sleeps all day and stares at the wall all night. Some of her friends from the cheer squad come by to check on her, but she refuses to see them. They could never relate to what she was going through. They didn’t know Heather like she did.

The first week of August, Jason Carver stops by. The two had never really hung out one-on-one, but they went to the same church and their moms had been friends in high school.

When the official list of the victims had been released to the public, Alex Carver’s name had been among the dead. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t send him away.

Jason’s the first person she talks to in a month. Her voice is ragged and her throat more dry than she’d realized. 

He gets her a glass of water, and when he hands it to her, their eyes meet. Even though his outward appearance makes him seem like he’s fine, she sees her same brokenness reflected in his eyes.

Chrissy doesn’t know how it must have been for him to have lost his older brother. However, Heather had felt like a sister to her in everything but blood, so maybe she does.

After exchanging obligatory “sorry for your losses,” they sit in companionable silence until Mrs. Cunningham brings them a plate of carrot sticks, ranch, and pizza rolls. Which, wow, her mom must really be worried about her, because she’s never brought pizza rolls into the house, let alone offered to get them for her.

The smell makes her stomach grumble and she realizes she doesn’t remember the last time she’d eaten. 

Jason wordlessly offers her the plate, and she takes a carrot stick to nibble on. He follows her lead, dipping his in the ranch.

He takes a bite and hums. “I forgot how good that tastes.”

“Carrots?”

“Ranch,” he swallows. “Alex hates – hated it, and my parents aren’t really big ranch people either, so we’ve never had it at home.”

“My mom hates it too. Says it’s fattening, but she keeps it in the fridge for when Heather comes to visit.” The carrot feels like a rock in her throat. “This was her favorite snack.”

And somehow, that’s all it takes for the dam to break. They spend the rest of the afternoon swapping stories about Heather and Alex. The good, the bad, and even the most dreadfully mundane. It’s nearly dark by the time Jason leaves with the promise to return the next day.

And he does. And he keeps returning until Chrissy starts to feel human again. She enjoys Jason’s company. He has a goofy sense of humor that makes her feel good enough to want to laugh. He always seems to know just what to say, and when to change the subject. And, when she does get to see it, he has a nice smile.

A few days before the semester starts, he asks her to go bowling. It’s the first time she’s been in public since before the fire. It’s overwhelming – the loud noises and the fact that people are having fun despite how many lives had been taken mere weeks ago. 

She wants to go back to the comforting darkness of her room and hide under her cool sheets until sleep claims her. But then Jason touches her elbow and gives her a half smile like he understands how hard it is to be around happy people. Like he’s encouraging her to just try because she can’t lock herself in her room forever. 

So, she stays. They play an entire game, and Chrissy beats Jason even though she thinks he let her win. When he playfully asks for a rematch, she agrees.

And when sheepishly he asks if they could do something like this again when he drops her off at her door that night, she doesn’t hesitate. 

And when he kisses her, she kisses him back.

Life still feels a little shit, but with him, it starts to feel tolerable again.

Then, senior year begins.

_______

The first day back from summer break begins without any fanfare. Classes are filled with restless students sharing what they did over the break with each other. Rejuvenated teachers make the valiant effort to read through the syllabus and start the year off right before their souls get trampled by the apathy of their students and the demands of the district. But even though it’s the same as it’s always been, it’s also incredibly different. There’s a heavy, invisible cloud hanging over the student body that only grows when someone notices an empty desk. An unoccupied locker. A missing name in the roll call.

There’s an announcement at the beginning of the day. The school brought in a grief counselor, available for any student who needs it. Chrissy debates going but decides not to. There are people who need it more than her. People who lost siblings or parents. People who were there when it happened. People who have no one else to talk to.

Chrissy doesn’t need it. She has Jason. She shouldn’t ask for more.

The classes are uneventful, that is, until fourth period literature.

“We’re going to do something extra fun this semester,” Mrs. Crabtree says. “These next few months, we’ll be diving into the works of the great romantic, Jane Austen. While we do this, we’ll be playing a little bit of a roleplay game.”

A few students snicker. Chrissy doesn’t know why.

“We’ll learn about courtship in the Regency period. The object of the game is to find a match that is suitable in station and temperament for your character. You’ll be assigned a character card that has your name and station on it. Throughout the semester—“

Robin bursts into the room, cutting off the teacher. “Sorry, I’m late, Mrs. Crabtree! I overslept.”

The teacher accepts the note from the school office Robin hands to her. “Yes, well, find your seat and try not to let it happen again. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Throughout the semester . . .”

As Mrs. Crabtree explains plans for balls and tea party courting opportunities, Robin takes a seat at the last empty desk. The empty desk that happens to be right next to Chrissy’s.

Chrissy can’t breathe. She hasn’t seen Robin since that day at Starcourt in early June. She knew Robin’s name hadn’t been among the deceased. But she had been there that night. Reporters said she’d helped people escape.

Chrissy wonders if she’d seen Heather that night. Had she tried to help her? Or was she too late?

She wants to ask, but god, Robin looks terrible. Her hair is disheveled and she’s missing her jewelry and the little swipe of mascara she’d worn every day last semester. Her skin is a sickly shade of yellow, and the dark circles under her eyes almost resemble bruises. 

Chrissy wonders if that’s how she looked when Jason found her in her room that first day of August. 

She wants to ask if she’s okay. She wants to hold her hand and help her find her humanity again. But she keeps quiet. Robin made herself clear last semester, and Chrissy doesn’t think she has the emotional strength to be reminded that every best friend she’s ever had, she’s lost.

For the rest of the period, she tries her best not to think about Robin, but it’s hard not to when she’s so close that she can smell her green apple perfume. When the bell rings, relief washes over her, knowing that the cafeteria will provide escape.

Her relief, unfortunately, comes too soon, for when she, tray in hand, turns to go find a table, Chrissy spots Robin. It throws her for a loop. Even after she’d told Chrissy she didn’t want to be around her, Robin had avoided the cafeteria. She’s even more puzzled when she realizes her old friend is sitting with a group of animated freshman boys and a reserved-looking freshman girl, and she’s . . . oh. 

Her heart shudders. 

Robin’s smiling.

Chrissy hasn’t seen her genuine smile since before she went away. She touches her charm bracelet. 

She looks away before Robin can spot her staring.

She sits with Jason and his friends from the basketball team. She doesn’t know where she stands with the cheerleaders after blowing them off when they came to visit her. She lets herself get lost in the back and forth between the boys, smiling at Jason whenever he leans over to whisper something to her. But all she thinks about is Robin’s smile.

She doesn’t see her again until after school ends in the parking lot. Cheer practice was canceled, due to Miss Watson, the cheer team’s sponsor, being out sick. After spending the day surrounded by people when she’d spent the last two months in near isolation, a nap sounds like a blessing. Chrissy heads to her car when she sees Robin getting into the passenger side of a shiny red BMW.

She doesn’t recognize the car until the driver turns his head.

She can’t breathe. What’s Robin doing with Steve Harrington?

She fumbles with her keys, trying to unlock her car door. The world tilts. She needs to sit down, now. 

After what has to be several minutes, she wrenches the door open and tumbles into the driver seat. At some point, her breaths had turned short and shallow. She stares ahead at her classmates getting into their cars and tearing out of the parking lot, like Steve had with Robin.

She squeezes her eyes tight and tries to focus on slowing her heart beat to a normal pace. 

There’s only one explanation as to why Robin was getting rides from notorious ladies' man, Steve Harrington. The two are dating.

Of course, they’re dating. Who wouldn’t want to date Robin? She’s still the coolest girl Chrissy has ever known. It was inevitable that someone else would see what she saw.

It’s just–

Steve Harrington? How does he even know Robin? From what she recalls, he never paid attention to Robin last year. She knows Hawkins is a small town, but what are the odds of them dating?

Her chest tightens. She wonders if she’s coming down with something. Did the cafeteria serve bad meat again? Is she dying? Why does she feel like she’s dying?

She turns on the car, letting her a/c blast against her face. The radio boots up, Madonna’s voice filling the car. 

“Didn't know how lost I was until I found you

I was beat, incomplete

I'd been had, I was sad and blue, but you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel shiny and–”

Chrissy turns down the volume until it’s almost nonexistent. She lets the cold air hit her face for a few more minutes before opening her eyes.

She lets out a nervous laugh. God, what will Heather say about that unlikely pair?

Her heart stops. Heather won’t say anything. Heather will never get to say anything. It majorly sucks because she knows that that bit of gossip would fuel Heather for a week. She’d be coming up with little theories about what happened and elaborate plots to spy on them to see what exactly King Steve sees in Robin.

Maybe she’d be able to explain away the seasick feeling that crashed into Chrissy the moment she realized Robin had a boyfriend.

Maybe she’d assure her the feeling is, in fact, normal, and not at all indicative of something else.

A tear runs down her cheek, drying almost instantly from the a/c. Her breathing starts to return back to normal. Something still feels amiss inside of her, but she doesn’t think she’s going to be sick anymore.

She tries not to think about what could have been, lest she tempt the sickness to return. Instead, she puts her car in reverse and pulls out of the half-empty parking lot.

_______

Chrissy isn’t necessarily looking for Robin everywhere she goes. She just happens to spot the girl all the time. 

A few days after the first time she sees her in the cafeteria, she finds Robin sitting, again with the same group of freshmen, at the Hellfire table with Eddie Munson and his group of scary-looking nerds. Or, the nerds trying to look scary. She’ll never tell anyone else, but she thinks they kind of look like a group of unconventional teddy bears. If not for how aggressively loud they get, they wouldn’t be scary at all.

Eddie leans his entire body over the table toward where Robin sits to say something to her. Robin laughs and, knowing her, says something snarky back. 

This pairing seems even stranger than Robin and Steve.

She leans over to point it out to Heather, then stops when her cheek brushes Jason’s letterman jacket.

“What’s up, Chris?” He flashes her a boyish smile.

“Nothing, I just . . .” His deep blue eyes look down at her inquisitively, and the words get stuck in her throat.

She’d spent a month wallowing in the sorrow of losing her best friend, and he’d been so sweet about it. She doesn’t want to annoy him. She doesn’t want to lose him. 

“What are you doing tonight?”

A little smile plays on his face. “What do you want to do?”

“Can I come over?”

“Sure, Chris.”

A few of his friends chuckle, overhearing their conversation. One elbows him in the ribs, saying something about a good job and having fun while waggling his eyebrows.

Chrissy scrunches up her nose. She hadn’t even thought about that. It’s not that she hasn’t thought of sleeping with Jason. It’s the whole reason she isn’t allowed to close her door whenever he’s over. And it’s not like she doesn’t want to sleep with him. She’s supposed to want to sleep with him, just . . . after marriage. And she doesn’t want to before then, so why are all his friends acting like she does?

She wonders if lesbians have to deal with this from their friends. However, she’s never met a real live lesbian, so she wouldn’t be able to ask.

Instead, she tries her best to ignore the boys. When the bell rings, she’s the first up from the table, hurrying out of the cafeteria and ignoring Jason’s call.

She doesn’t want to go over to his house anymore. Not if other people think she’s — that they’re — that—

She supposes it doesn’t matter if she goes or not. It doesn't matter whether or not it’s the truth. They’ve already made up their minds about who she is and what she’s doing with her body.

She thinks back to what Robin had said in the locker room all those months ago. She didn’t know Chrissy, even though she was so certain she did. Certain enough to not give her a chance before deciding she didn’t want anything to do with her.

She bites her lip and blinks back tears. If Heather was here, she’d tell Jason’s friends, Robin, and everyone else who is mean to her to fuck the hell off.

But she’s not here, so Chrissy has to soldier on by herself.

_______

Mrs. Crabtree walks around the class, passing out folded parchments fastened shut with red wax seals. “Since we have an uneven ratio of boys and girls in our class, some of the girls will be assigned male characters. Remember that although it is just a game, it will also count for fifty percent of your semester grade, so please be mature adults about this.”

Chrissy opens her letter. The letter read Mr. Arthur P. Stapleton of Flowerfield Hall, 5,000 a year, written in a swooping cursive that made her head hurt to read. She doesn’t understand its contents past the fact that she’ll be playing a male character. She finds she isn’t overly bothered by it. It might be fun, being able to “court” one of her friends.

Mrs. Crabtree has all the students stand up and introduce their characters to the rest of the class, which seems to take much longer than the teacher expects. Several of the boys decide to get really into character, donning posh accents, each one giving more of a ridiculous backstory than the last as if trying to outdo each other. Mrs. Crabtree ends up cutting Patrick McKinney’s goofy introduction short, to keep things moving along. 

It’s fun, seeing her classmates who are usually so concerned with their image getting into the spirit of the game. Chrissy hopes they aren’t going to be expected to remember everyone’s character names. So many of them sound nearly identical, she doesn’t know how she’ll ever be able to keep them straight.

“For our first assignment, our gentlemen will be choosing a lady to accompany them in completing. This will allow your characters the chance to get to know one another to see if a partnership in class will lead to a partnership in life. Now, go on, gentlemen. Find your ladies.”

Chrissy watches the boys in the class get up to pick their partners. Chrissy thinks about how much fun Heather would have with this project. Although she would have hated the reading part of it, she loved any excuse she got to flirt with boys. 

Part of her wishes Jason was in this class, so he could be the one to court her. The idea of having to explain to him that, no, this courting game is all pretend and for a grade, already gives her a headache. She supposes the other guys in her class have come to the same conclusion because no one approaches her. 

After a few moments of wondering what’s so wrong with her that no one would approach her, she remembers her character is a gentleman, and she should be the one looking for a lady to partner with. 

She glances around the classroom to see if any of her cheer squad friends have been chosen. To her disappointment, all her friends have partnered up and are cheerfully chatting with the “gentlemen.” In fact, nearly everyone seems to be partnered up. 

Everyone except Robin. 

Robin, who appears deeply uncomfortable. Chrissy thinks that it might be because she’s the last one picked, which she imagines isn’t a good feeling. However, a deep, ugly part inside of her wonders if her discomfort is because she realized that she’d have to partner up with Chrissy. And, well, if that’s the case then she can fuck the hell off. She’s not going to let whatever problem Robin has with her affect her grade.

Chrissy grabs her books and, head held high, approaches Robin’s desk. 

“Want to be partners?” She asks, feeling uncomfortable and a little vulnerable doing so. Robin could still lash out at her. She could even give her the cold shoulder.

Robin looks up at her, and if she hadn’t said what she’d said to her last spring, Chrissy would think relief is what relaxes her shoulders. “Sure.”

She sits in the vacated seat next to Robin, flipping open her book. “I’ve never read Jane Austen books, but my mother absolutely loves her.”

“She used to read a bunch of romance books, right?”

Her chest fills with warmth in knowing that Robin remembers that tiny little fact about her life. Wow, she’s pathetic. Looking for breadcrumbs, when Robin still hates her. “Yeah, she still does.”

Robin hums and Chrissy thinks she’s about to say something else, but then Mrs. Crabtree speaks again. “This weekend, I want you and your partners to find time to read the first six chapters, then fill out this worksheet. It must be completed in full sentences.”

The bell rings. Their classmates clamor as they grab their things and rush out the door.

“Do you want to get together after school to work on this? That way we don’t have to work on it over the weekend.”

The evil voice in her head tells her that Robin only suggested that because she doesn’t want to spend any of her weekend with Chrissy. She tells the thought to fuck the hell off. If she’s going to get through this assignment, she can’t spend all her time worrying about what Robin thinks of her.

“I can’t, I have cheer practice right after school. What about tomorrow?”

“I’m working a double shift, so unless you want to try to get things done in between rushes at Family Video, I won’t be free until Sunday.”

“I can’t Sunday. I’m going to be out of town.” Right after church, her family would be loading up the SUV to go celebrate her great-grandmother’s ninety-ninth birthday, and there was no way she could get out of it. Her mother would forever hold it over her head if this were Gam-gam’s last birthday party. “If we read the chapters beforehand, we could probably do the worksheet together while you’re at work. Are you sure we’re going to have time to work on them?”

“Yeah. I can get Steve to deal with the customers while it’s slow, so we can have more time to work.”

Chrissy stills at the mention of Robin’s boyfriend. It’s not a big deal that he’s going to be there. Not at all. She and Steve used to run in the same crowds, so she knows he’s a decent guy – not at all like Tommy or Billy. Still, she can’t explain why the idea of him being there bothers her.

“Okay,” she says instead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, cool,” Robin gathers her books and glances back at her before heading into the hallway. “See you then.”

Her heart gives an excited flutter as the girl disappears from view. She chalks the feeling up to her relief over Robin being not just tolerant of her presence, but accommodating. The logical part of her brain tells her the other girl is just playing nice, so they can get a good grade. However, Chrissy’s never been good at listening to that part of her.

She gets to Family Video early the next day, her highlighted and annotated copy of Pride and Prejudice tucked safely into her backpack. She’d spent hours the night before diving deep into the text, reading then rereading it when her mind wandered. 

She's struggled with reading pretty much since her elementary school class graduated from chapter books to the stale pages of classics. It wasn’t that she hated it, per se. It’s just that she found the old, flowery language hard to understand, and preferred spending time planning out cheer routines or knitting. But she wants to do well on this assignment. She doesn’t want to give Robin any reason to regret pairing up with her. So, she had pulled out her favorite highlighters and pens and did all she could to comprehend the story.

“Darcy didn’t have to publicly shame her by complaining about her appearance and not accepting her hand to dance,” Robin says, dropping her paperback on the circulation counter.

“But he loves her eyes and seems to want to get to know her,” Chrissy defends.

“And how’s he going to do that if he never spends time with her?”

“Just because he wants to do something doesn't mean he has the nerve to do it. Haven’t you ever had a crush on someone you avoided at all costs?”

The other girl’s eyes flicker away. She picks up their worksheet packet, flipping through it. “At least these questions are simple. Like, “How many Bennet daughters are there, and what are their names?’”

“Mrs. Crabtree probably wants to see who all actually read the chapters, I guess.” The thought frustrates her. If she had taken the time to look over the questions before reading the chapters, she wouldn’t have had to sacrifice her entire Friday night for it.

The bell above the door rings as a tall blonde walks in.

“Dingus! You’re up!” Robin hollers over her shoulder.

Steve jogs over from where he’d been restocking movies in the back of the store. “Hi, welcome to Family Video. Can I help you find anything?”

The blonde looks him up and down and bites her lip. “Actually, I don’t know what I’m in the mood for. Do you have any recommendations?”

Steve leads the girl around the store, recommending her different flicks that are supposedly great for date night. The girl smiles and giggles as he makes truly awful jokes. When Chrissy glances over at them, Steve’s leaning into the girl’s space far too close to just be offering her friendly customer service.

She chews on her bottom lip, looking over at Robin, who seems blissfully unbothered by Steve very obviously hitting on someone else. She can’t help it when she asks, “Are you okay with your boyfriend flirting with other girls?”

Robin sputters. “My what?”

“Steve,” she repeats. “Your boyfriend. He’s flirting with that girl over there.”

Robin looks like she’s about two seconds away from laughing. Chrissy doesn’t know what she said that was so funny.

“Does that not upset you?”

“Chris.” 

Chrissy’s heart swoops. That’s the first time Robin has called her by her nickname since elementary school. Chrissy’s so focused on that, she almost doesn’t hear the rest of what Robin says.

“Steve’s not my boyfriend.”

She knows she was distracted because she must have heard that wrong. “You two aren’t dating?”

“Nope.” The expression on Robin’s face looks like she wants to hurl at the thought. “Platonic with a capital ‘P.’”

“Then why does he pick you up from school?”

“He’s my best friend. He doesn’t spend a lot of time around people his age, so he takes it out on me.”

Chrissy can’t make heads or tails of what Robin means by that statement, but it doesn’t matter. Robin isn’t dating Steve. Robin, for all Chrissy knows, doesn’t have a boyfriend. She doesn’t know why, but the thought fills her with excitement. 

“You guys talking about me?” Steve asks, sauntering over after the girl leaves without renting a movie.

“Just placing bets with Chrissy on how fast your latest prey is going to run for the hills.” Robin turns her face toward Chrissy, a hit of playfulness gleaming in her eyes. “Looks like I won.”

“Darn,” she can’t help but smile as she follows along with the joke. “Guess I owe you a Coke.”

Robin’s voice lowers. “Guess you do.”

Chrissy’s body heats. She clears her throat, picking up the worksheet. “So, question three.”

_______

Over the next few weeks, she and Robin continue collaborating on English assignments — even some of the ones that aren’t group work. Somehow, knowing she’ll discuss the book with Robin helps her focus on thoroughly reading it.

Through their study sessions, she thinks Robin has started to warm up to her. Sometimes, she even looks happy when Chrissy walks through the doors of Family Video. The place has almost become a second home to her. Though she could do without the way her hair has started to permanently smell of popcorn. How do Robin and Steve deal with that?

“What do you think’s going on?” Robin asks beside her. 

All the desks in their English class are pushed to the sides of the room, creating a wide open space. Mrs. Crabtree sits at her desk, ignoring the clamor of the students trying to figure out what on earth the hour holds.

She can’t help but preen over the fact that Robin approached her first. Out of all the people in their class, it’s Chrissy who she wants to speak with. “No clue.”

A tape player whirrs to life, and string music fills the room. 

“Today, class, we will be learning the art of the regency dance,” Mrs. Crabtree announces. “One of the popular ways to socialize with your beloved one-on-one was while dancing at parties. Granted, its popularity was largely because men and women socializing without chaperones was seen as improper and could be detrimental to a young lady’s reputation. We will see examples of this as we delve into the second section of Pride and Prejudice.

“This first dance is a large group dance called the Sir Roger de Coverley. Now, gentlemen, find your partners, then I will need two lines, men on one side, ladies on the other, facing your partners.”

A commotion breaks as the students find their places.

Chrissy’s head spins as Mrs. Crabtree instructs them in the steps. She’s never seen a dance like this before, with so many fast-moving parts happening all at once. As they work down the line, however, the steps start to ingrain themselves in her brain. It’s just like a cheer, except with more rhythm.

Then it gets to her and Robin’s turn. She bows to Robin, just as she’d watched the other gentlemen do to their partners. Robin curtsies in return. They join hands in the middle, then begin to skip full speed down the line of their classmates.

Suddenly, they’re no longer in a stuffy classroom of Hawkins High, but in the woods between their two houses, galloping away from the fearsome Maleficent.

Robin trips and catches herself just as quickly. Chrissy lets out a giggle.

When they reach the top of the line, they switch sides and break apart to weave their way through the bodies of the lines opposite to their characters’ gender. As Robin shrieks in laughter, Chrissy imagines them as little girls running through the trees, doing their best not to trip over roots and knots.

At the end of the line, they meet. Grasping sweaty palms, they start to run back to the top of the line, glancing at each other and grinning as they do so.

Robin’s eyes are sparkling, cheeks ruddy with adrenaline.

She’s beautiful.

Chrissy’s heart skips. 

She’s seen pretty girls before; she’s surrounded by them. But this is different. 

She wants to touch her. She wants to hold her hand and drag her away from this school and up to their old tree fort. She wants to lay her head down in her lap and card her fingers through her hair. She wants to play connect-the-dots with the freckles on her arms. 

She wants to feel the softness of her waist and thighs.

She wants to know what her lips feel like. 

She stumbles and falls. Pain blooms where she hits her knee.

“Shit, Chris!”

“Language, Miss Buckley!” Mrs. Crabtree calls out.

Robin ignores her in favor of crouching to assess Chrissy.

She feels the eyes her classmates on her. The string music still plays. It’s a little weird to listen to now that no one is dancing. 

“Miss Buckley, could you take her to the nurse’s office to get cleaned up. And be careful not touch the blood.”

Robin stiffens for half a moment before resuming helping Chrissy up, and Chrissy wouldn’t have noticed it had she not been so close to her. 

Robin doesn’t meet her eyes.

It’s the most peculiar thing. She had thought that Robin was finally starting to welcome her back into her life, like maybe she wanted to be friends again. Then, as soon as Mrs. Crabtree mentioned her blood, Robin shut her out. And the more Chrissy mulls it over, it’s not something new. 

Ever since Robin came back into her life, she’s been acting weird, and Chrissy would think that maybe that’s just how she is now. However, she’s been spending a lot of time watching her from afar, and she hasn’t acted this way around anyone else. Just Chrissy. 

She tries to recall all of the times she’s noticed it – the fight between Billy and Eddie, the one time Robin changed with Chrissy’s friends in the locker room, the mention of blood – to try to find a pattern, but it eludes her. 

When they get to the nurse’s office, she’s busy with another student. Chrissy plops down on one of the chairs outside the door and examines the cut.

Shit. It’s a bit more than a mere carpet burn. It looks like a road rash, all skinned up and bloodied. No wonder Mrs. Crabtree had wanted someone to go with her to the nurse. Her head feels woozy just looking at it. She needs a distraction.

“So, how did you and Steve become friends?”

“We worked at Scoops Ahoy over the summer. I kind of hated him at first, but he has a way of growing on you.” Robin stares at her bloodied knee. She takes a slow gulp and forces herself to look at the wall, her fingers fidgeting with her rings. “You’re dating Jason Carver?”

“How did you know?” She doesn’t recall ever mentioning him to Robin, which, now that she thinks about it, is strange. Sure, much of their time together has been focused on classwork, but that doesn’t mean they don’t talk about their personal lives. How else would she know that Robin’s thinking about trying out for the soccer team? Or that the markerboard she keeps of Steve’s failed flirtations started when they worked at Scoops Ahoy! together?

So, why hasn’t she talked about Jason?

“C’mon, the king and queen of Hawkins High? Everyone knows your business.”

She flushes. She thinks back to what Jason’s teammates had said to them. Insinuating that they were having sex. She thinks about how she’s been pulling away from him and the way being around Robin makes her feel more alive than he ever has. “They think they know us.”

But, she supposes, she thought she knew Robin. She’d only seen her with Steve a couple of times before assuming they were dating. Now that she’s spent time around them, she knows there’s no way those two could ever be attracted to each other. They remind her of how she and Heather used to act around each other.

Before either can say any more on the subject, the nurse opens the door, welcoming Chrissy inside and telling Robin to go back to class.

Chrissy turns to her. She can’t wait until tomorrow to see her again. “Do you want to come over to my house tonight, so we can start on the next reading assignment?”

Robin brightens. “Okay.”

“Do you remember where it is?”

“How could I forget?”

Her insides warm. “I’ll see you then.”

The nurse clears her throat. Chrissy gives her a hurried apology and follows her inside.

As the nurse cleans and bandages her wound, she continues to wonder why she’s never mentioned Jason to Robin. It’s not like the topic of relationships had never come up. They’re constantly joking about Steve continuously striking out, and giving him advice for the next girl. She could have definitely mentioned to him how Jason romanced her.

Maybe it’s because thinking of that means bringing up Heather’s death, and Chrissy has started to avoid thinking of that. She can see how the mentions of it tire her parents, and she doesn’t want her friends to get sick of her. It’s been nearly three months since she died. Shouldn’t she be over it by now? All of her classmates seem to have moved on from the Fourth of July tragedy.

Despite this, she feels like Heather’s not the only reason she hasn’t brought up Jason. It’s like if she mentions him, it’ll somehow taint the friendship she and Robin have been rebuilding. Even in her mind, that sounds awful, but she can’t shake the feeling.

With her knee sufficiently dressed, Chrissy is given the okay to head to lunch. Two steps out of the nurse’s office, she stops in her tracks.

“Jason? What are you doing here?” 

“I heard you fell in class. I wanted to see if you’re okay,” he says, sheepishly.

<em>Oh.</em> She can’t help the smile that spreads across her face. He’s so sweet. While part of her can’t believe she gets to date him, another part wishes it was Robin waiting outside for her.

She supposes it doesn’t matter though. She gets to see her tonight. The thought makes her giddy with excitement.

He raises her backpack, which she’d left in Mrs. Crabtree’s class. “Robin brought your stuff by. Said she doesn’t know where your locker is. I offered to wait for you.”

She bites her lip. “Well, thanks. All bandaged up. Practically good as new.”

Jason follows her down the hall. It’s a little awkward walking without being able to bend her knee too much, but Jason keeps with her pace. Still, she can tell he’s itching to go faster. To get to lunch so he can see his friends. She wishes she could go faster. She wants to get to the cafeteria, too, so she can see Robin. Maybe catch her eye for a brief moment.

 “Are we still on for our date tonight?"

She stops in her tracks. She’d completely forgotten she’d made plans with Jason. She’d been too wrapped up in keeping Robin near her.

“I totally forgot. I’ve got to work on an assignment with Robin tonight.” It’s not a group project. They’re just going to read together, but she doesn’t tell Jason that. Even though they’d had their date planned for a week, she doesn't want to reschedule with Robin. “I’m so sorry. Our teacher dumped it on us last minute.”

“Well, maybe we can hang out some other time this weekend.”

“Of course.”

He changes the subject to basketball practice and the coach’s notes and his plans for the next game. She doesn’t pay much attention though. Her mind is consumed by thoughts of Robin.

During lunch, she does capture the other girl’s eye. Robin smiles at her from across the cafeteria. The feeling of being seen by her lasts the entire day.

Steve drops Robin off at Chrissy’s house three minutes past six. Her parents aren’t home – went on a mini vacation to celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary – which is a bit of a relief. Their rekindled friendship is still so new and fragile. She doesn’t want to share Robin with others just yet for fear of it breaking.

“Nice of Steve to drop you off.” She doesn’t think she’s ever seen Robin drive anywhere.

“Well, he was already going to be out tonight. He’s going to pick up his date.”

She raises her eyebrows, impressed by his change in luck. He’s struck out so often during her time studying at Family Video, she’s started to doubt all the rumors that surrounded the “King.” “So, he finally convinced a girl to go out with him?”

“You could say that.”

She says it like she’s keeping a secret. Chrissy’s noticed that she does this often. It makes her uncomfortable, reminding her that although they’ve come so far in rebuilding their friendship, there are still so many things she doesn’t know about Robin. 

They sit on opposite ends of the sofa, facing each other as they take turns reading aloud. At some point, Robin burrows her legs underneath Chrissy’s blanket, despite having refused one for herself when Chrissy had offered. She doesn’t mind sharing, though. She likes the nearness. It’s comforting.

Her throat grows sore. She’s about to suggest taking a break when thunder cracks.

The lights flicker. Robin tenses. 

Rain that wasn’t there before, pelts down on the roof. 

“It’s really coming down hard, huh?”

“Yeah,” she rasps.

“Are you okay?”

“Peachy.” The power flickers off again, and Robin’s eyes grow impossibly wider. “Actually, no. I’m not. Storms and power failure kind of give me the heebie-jeebies.”

Chrissy’s moving before she even processes what she’s doing. She goes to the garage and brings back their collection of camping lamps and flashlights and a couple of logs of starter wood. Arms loaded down, she makes her way back to the living room and dumps everything on the floor in front of the fireplace. 

She feels Robin’s eyes watching her as she places the logs in the fireplace along with some crinkled newspaper. She tries to ignite it the same way she’d watched her father do it every winter since she was a kid. She curses when the match snaps in half, unlit and flying into the fireplace.

“What are you doing?”

She strikes another match. “Preparing for a power outage.”

The fire takes. Warmth spreads across her face as the flames grow. 

“You think the storm’s going to be that bad?”

“Not sure, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.” Especially, if Robin doesn’t like the storm. She may not be able to stop the rain, but she can certainly try to make things feel safe inside.

She turns on one of the camping lamps and hands it to Robin before going around the house and turning off all of the lights and electronics.

“There,” she says, plopping back down on the couch. “Now, if the power goes out again, we won’t have to know.”

Maybe it’s the light from the fireplace on her cheeks, but she can swear she sees Robin flush.

“I should call my mom and get a ride home.”

“Or you could stay over.” The words tumble out of her. She doesn’t want her to go just yet. “If you’d like, that is. It could be like old times?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Chrissy bites her lip to keep from grinning like a buffoon. 

Thunder cracks again, this time sounding closer. Watching Robin shrivel into herself, realization dawns on Chrissy.

“You were in the mall during the fire.” 

Of course, she would be scared of loud noises like the storm. Countless stories had been published in the newspaper, depicting the night in all its gory details. It was the most interesting thing to happen to Hawkins since the Byers boy went missing in ‘83. Everyone had wanted to share their piece about it. She had read every article, hoping for some word of Heather. Hoping to get a glimpse of what her final moments were like. Eyewitness accounts had expressed how loud the fire had been as it ate at the building.

Robin’s hands still. She looks over at her, eyes wide. “Yeah. I was.”

“Did you,” Chrissy swallows to dislodge the lump in her throat. She doesn’t know the right way to ask the question, but she knows if she doesn’t get her words out now, she’ll never have the courage to try again. “My friend, Heather – she was there. She didn’t make it out. Did you see her?”

Robin’s face falls, awash in sorrow. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see her.”

Chrissy doesn’t know what she wanted from Robin’s response. It doesn’t matter whether she’d seen Heather or not. It doesn’t make her any less dead. Maybe she was hoping that Robin had tried to save her, like how she’d saved those kids. Maybe she wanted to hear that Heather had given her life trying to save the lives of others. She doesn’t know. She’s so sick of being sad all the time. She doesn’t want to be sad with Robin.

The thunder sounds much louder this time when it cracks. Robin flinches.

“One, two, three–” It cracks again, cutting Robin off. “Fuck. One, two, three, four, five.”

“What are you doing?” The sky booms overhead.

“Counting the seconds between each thunder calms me. The bigger the number, the further away the storm is. My mom taught it to me when I was little. I’d like to think I was braver back then, before the Ru–the summer messed me up, but nope! Been like this for practically forever! Made it hard to make friends when moving. Who wants to be friends with the freak who’s scared of a little weather? 

“You know, most kids were scared of the Wicked Witch when watching The Wizard of Oz. Not me, though! I was scared of the tornado. You know, the thing that takes Dorothy to the magical world of color. The thing that was ultimately a good thing that happened. I used to have nightmares about my house being pulled out of the ground and spun around in a cyclone–”

Chrissy’s gaze drifts down to her lips again. She tries to focus on Robin’s confessions, but she can’t help it. Do people normally watch their friends’ mouths when they talk, or was she being totally obvious? How could she not stare, though, when Robin’s lips were so pretty and plush and moving rapid fire as she continued to word-vomit everywhere?

Fuck it.

Chrissy surges forward, capturing Robin’s lips with her own. 

The other girl immediately stills. Fear and regret pulse within her. She shouldn’t be doing this. Oh, god, she was just starting to get Robin back, and now she’s ruined everything. 

She starts to pull away, but then Robin’s arms fly around her neck, trapping her. 

And she’s kissing back.

It’s awkward and sloppy with a little too much teeth, but Robin’s kissing her like this is the only chance she’ll ever get. She’s kissing her like she, too, has been waiting forever too.

Chrissy buries her fingers in Robin’s short waves. Her hair is impossibly soft. She gives it a gentle tug, and Robin lets out a moan. Chrissy wants to do it again, so she does.

She climbs into Robin’s lap, not breaking contact. Robin hums her approval, dragging her hands over her back, and sending shivers throughout Chrissy’s body. Everything feels right with the world. Like everything Chrissy has done up to this point was building up to this moment.

When the two break apart, Robin’s face is as red as Chrissy’s feels. Despite how lovely the air feels in her lungs, she wants to go back to kissing right away. She fears this night is the only chance she’ll ever have to kiss Robin again. That by the time the dawn breaks, Robin will go back to avoiding her save for cool compliance when working on their assignments. 

Robin caresses her face. She leans into the touch. She can’t help it. It’s like she’s magnetically drawn to her. 

“You don’t know how badly I’ve wanted to do that.” Robin’s thumb brushes against her lips. 

She kisses it. She’d kiss Robin’s every finger and toe if she’d let her. If it would convince her to keep her. 

“I think I’ve been waiting all my life to kiss you for real. Not like how we did when we played.”

Robin snickers. “If I’d have known that other kids didn’t play like that with their friends, then I would have known I was a lesbian much sooner.”

Hope surges within her at the word. Lesbian. Robin likes girls and only girls. That means Chrissy has an actual chance of being with her. She can’t help it when she tackles Robin onto the couch, kissing her until they can’t breathe.

Robin’s hands come up to hold her face. A thumb brushes over her jaw.

Chrissy smiles into the kiss, her teeth scraping Robin’s lip. When she pulls back, Robin chases her. She places a hand on her chest, stopping her.

Robin lets out a whine.

She giggles. “Wait, I want to ask you something.”

Robin’s hands move down her body, resting on her hips. She looks up at her, waiting.

“This — this isn’t, like, going to be a one-time thing, right?”

Robin’s brow creases and Chrissy wants nothing more than to lean down and kiss it. “What do you mean?”

“I want,” she summons all her courage and forces the next sentence out. “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

Robin’s hands still. “You want me to be your girlfriend?”

She nods. “I know it’s dangerous to be out in public, and we don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. But will you?”

The sun has nothing on Robin’s smile. “Of course, I want to be your girlfriend. But, aren’t you dating Jason?”

“Shit.” She'd completely forgotten about him. How could she have forgotten about him? He’d been her lifeline since August. He’d been her everything for the darkest month of her life.

But he isn’t Robin.

“I’ll break up with him.”

“Chris.” Her voice sounds like she wants to argue, but the light in her eyes assures Chrissy that she’s not wrong in feeling this way. That her feelings toward Robin are reciprocated.

She can’t help herself when she pushes Robin against the back of her couch. She kisses Robin like it’s the last time she’ll ever get to. She kisses her like it’s a promise for more to come. She puts all of her longing and hope into her movement, hoping Robin understands. Hoping that she knows Chrissy is tied to her forever, and that’s all she wants.

Robin pushes back against her, nipping at her lips and fisting the fabric of her clothes. And she knows that she and Robin are on the same page. 

She might not yet be eighteen. She may have only dated one person for a couple of months. She may still have so much life left to live and things yet to learn, but she knows with absolute certainty that Robin is it for her.

And she’ll do whatever she can to keep her. 

_______

A note falls out of her locker. She bends down to pick it up.

I know it’s only been less than a day, but I miss you <3

If she weren’t in a crowded hallway, she’d explode. She’d never received secret love notes. Not even Jason had shoved them in her locker. How could dating someone for a little over forty-eight hours make her feel this giddy?

She understands what Robin means. She misses her more than she’s missed anything, yet she’d seen Robin just yesterday! Their weekend was too short. 

After their blissful Friday night, Robin had spent Saturday morning with Chrissy in their pajamas, making a mess of the kitchen with pancake batter. Then Robin had to go to work, and Chrissy had plans to go shopping for art supplies with Melissa and Pam to make Homecoming decorations, which they’d spent the rest of the afternoon painting. 

Chrissy didn’t get to see Robin again until after her shift ended at midnight. She’d picked her up from Family Video, and took her back home, where they’d cuddled and talked and kissed while tapes whirled on the VCR. If it hadn’t been for Robin’s plans to go winter clothes shopping with her mom, Chrissy’s sure Sunday would have gone much the same way. 

But that time apart doesn’t matter anymore because now, now, she gets to see Robin again. And sure, they can’t be fully alone, but she gets to see her. This note is proof that Robin wants to see her too.

She tucks the note safely in her pocket and grabs her textbooks.

“Chrissy.”

She cringes. Closing her locker, she turns to see Jason standing there. She had broken up with him over the phone on Sunday after Robin had left. She’d completely skipped church so she wouldn't have to do it in person. Maybe it was cowardly. No, scratch that. It was cowardly. But she’d known that if she’d seen the pitiful way he looked at her like he looks at her now, her resolve, no matter how strong, would’ve melted. She would have pretended to keep seeing him while dating Robin like some kind of bad sitcom plot. Doing that wouldn’t be fair to her girlfriend, and it certainly wouldn’t be fair to Jason. 

“Hi, Jason.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

The sadness in his eyes hurts her chest. She squeezes the note in her pocket, reminding herself why she had to break things off. She likes Jason, sure, but she could never like him as much as she likes Robin.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I just–” she stops. She can’t tell him she’s going out with Robin, can she? Over the past couple of months, Jason has become her closest confidant, but she doesn’t know what his reaction would be if she told him she’s gay.

Is she gay? Sure, she’s into Robin, but she also really liked Jason. Is it possible to like both?

“What is it, then?”

It doesn’t matter what she is or isn’t at the moment. She can ponder about it later.

“Jason, you’re a good guy, but I realized I don’t like you like that.” The lie tastes bitter on her tongue. “I think I was just sad because Heather died, and you were nice to me. My feelings got confused.”

“So, you’re telling me you never loved me?”

Her brow furrows at that. She’d never said that she loved him. “I really do like you, but only as a friend.”

He scratches his head, sighing before crossing his arms to his chest. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m so sorry.” She means it. “I would still like to be friends.”

“I don’t think I can do that, Chris,” his voice rises. “I liked you. I wanted to marry you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t do this right now.” Jason shoulders past her.

Her eyes burn as she watches him go. She wants to reach out to him. She wants to do something to comfort him. She wants to make things right. But he’s hurt, and she’s the one who caused it. Going after him would only make things worse. If she wants friendship with him to ever be possible with him again, she knows she has to give him his space, even if it hurts.

When she enters Mrs. Crabtree’s class, Robin’s face falls.

“Are you okay?”

“Not really.”

“What happened?” She takes her backpack off of the chair next to her, as if she’d been saving it for Chrissy. 

If she didn’t feel so emotionally drained, she’d take time to savor her girlfriend’s thoughtfulness.

She plops down in the chair. “I talked with Jason.”

“What did he say?”

“He wasn’t happy.”

“What did you say?”

“I—"

Mrs. Crabtree chooses that moment to walk in. “Alright, class, time to settle down. This week we’ll be finishing up <em> Northanger Abbey</em> , and on Friday, we’ll have a final test over the material. Be sure to take notes and if you’re behind in the reading, it’s time to start getting serious.”

_______

Lunch tray in hand, she makes her way over to where Robin sits at the Hellfire table. While walking to the cafeteria together, she’d asked Chrissy to sit with her. After her interaction with Jason, she’d been more than eager to agree.

She motions to the chair next to Robin. “This seat taken?”

Robin moves her backpack to the floor and slides her brown paper lunch sack out of the way. “Saved it just for you.”

Chrissy sets her tray down, beaming at Robin’s displays of chivalry. 

The two chat about their classes, picking at their food, less interested in eating than they are in conversing with each other. She gets introduced to the freshman boys, the red-haired girl nowhere in sight. Robin tells her that Steve babysits them, and the only reason she hangs out with them is because “I promised the dingus I’d keep an eye on them. He doesn’t trust them to stay out of trouble.” This causes protests from all three boys, one of which, Chrissy realizes, is on the basketball team with Jason, even though he’s never played in any games.

She’s about to say something to him when Eddie Munson storms in, slamming his backpack down on the tabletop. To Chrissy’s relief, she’s not the only one who jumps at the sound. 

The man slumps over the table. Everyone there waits with bated breath for him to speak.

“I’ve had it with the tyrannical rulers of this cinder block prison.” He slowly lifts his head, staring off into the distance. “When someone doesn’t fit into their little box of how a person should look and act and be, people like Mrs. Click can decide if they get ahead in life or if they get to waste away their potential while their life force is sucked right out of them.”

He slams the table for emphasis. The vibration sends a milk carton toppling over onto his lap. He jumps back, letting out a cat-like screech.

She snickers. 

“You have something to say–” Shaking the milk off his hands, Eddie gives her a double take. “Doth mine eyes deceive me? Has the Queen of Hawkins High graced us with her presence?”

“I’m not the Queen of Hawkins High.”

He brushes her off, forgetting the mess to give her his undivided attention. “Tell me, dear queen, what have we, your lowly subjects, done to receive such an honor?”

“She’s with me, jackass.” Robin turns to her. “Ignore him. He just likes to hear himself talk.”

Eddie squawks. “Watch it, Birdie. Do I have to remind you who allows you to sit at our table?”

“Aren’t you, like, thirty?” Robin counters. “You should care more about graduating than high school hierarchies.”

“First off, I’m twenty, so someone doesn’t know her numbers. Secondly, if you continue to back-talk me, you’re going to have to find somewhere else to sit.”

“First off,” Robin says, imitating Eddie’s cadence. “You really think I want to sit here with you dweebs? Half of you still haven’t learned what deodorant is. Secondly, I’ll be telling Steve that you kicked me and Chrissy out of your circle jerk table.”

Eddie’s face goes scarlet. “The Lady Buckley doth make some compelling points. You two may stay.”

“No, I don’t think we will.” Robin stands up, grabbing her backpack and lunch tray. “Come on, Chrissy. Let’s find somewhere else to sit. And I will be telling Steve.”

“Shit.”

Chrissy grabs her tray and follows Robin. “What was that all about?”

“Eddie’s a bit temperamental at times. Usually, he’s not bad, but sometimes he forgets how to be a person and not one of his Dungeons and Dorks characters. So, he needs to be put back in place.”

“What does that have to do with Steve?”

“If I tell you, you won’t tell anyone, right?”

“Of course.”

“He kind of has a thing for Steve, which may or may not be reciprocated. Anyway, whenever he gets out of line, all I have to do is pull the Steve card, and suddenly he remembers his manners.”

“Oh.”

“But, like I said, he’s usually cool.” She pauses. “Don’t tell him I said that, though. He has a big enough head as it is.”

“I can tell. How can you stand sitting at his table when he goes on his rants?”

“He’s pretty good at not stepping on people’s food if that’s what you mean. Though, sometimes you’ve got to watch out.”

“Wait, is he who Steve had a date with on Friday.”

“Maybe,” she draws out, as they sit down between the stacks on the library floor.

“Shut up!” Chrissy can’t believe it. She and Robin aren’t the only queers in Hawkins. There are people like them. People they know. She wants to rush out of the library and track them down. She wants to let them know that she’s like them. She wants to know how they survive and just knowing that there are others like her and Robin gives her hope that they will too.

“Enough about Eddie. How’s your day been?”

“Better now that I’m with you.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she grins back at her, leaning in close.

Robin’s soft lips capture hers. 

It’s so sudden, it knocks the wind out of her lungs. Her eyes flutter shut as she lets Robin practically climb on top of her. It’s all so silly and light, she can’t help the laugh that bubbles in her chest.

And then her stomach has to ruin the moment by grumbling.

Robin playfully nips at her bottom lip as she pulls away. “We should get some food in you, huh?”

She rolls her eyes but doesn’t protest when Robin slides off of her to sit beside her. It’s not like they were going to do anything more than kiss in the school’s library. Still, she wishes they could keep doing that.

Their arms brush as Chrissy reaches for her apple. The cool metal of a bracelet she doesn’t recognize has her stopping to look. In her months watching Robin, she’s gotten especially acquainted with the jewelry she wears. She could probably sketch each piece from memory if she had any confidence in her artistic abilities.

Unlike the rest of her clothes, which look like they’ve come from charity shops and the back of someone’s grandfather’s closet, Robin wears mostly modern jewelry. Layers of necklace chains and leather bracelets that should clash stylistically but on Robin don’t. This bracelet, though, stands out against the rest of her jewelry. It’s more feminine with its little charms, and it’s much older, with the tarnished feel of the cheap metal, similar to Chrissy’s own charm bracelet, but in slightly better condition.

The letter “C” charm glinting up at her in the fluorescent lights, confirms the piece as Chrissy’s bracelet’s twin.

Her heart flutters. “You still have it.”

“Of course I do.” She knocks their twin charms against each other. “Besides, I have to match my girl.”

Chrissy flushes at the words. Somehow, that feels more intimate than kissing. She likes the idea of being claimed by Robin. It feels safe. Right. 

“I think my character should propose to yours,” she says suddenly.

“Yeah?” Robin bites her lip. “We don’t have to do it in front of the class, do we?”

“I don’t think so. I think we can just tell Mrs. Crabtree that our characters are engaged. Would it bother you if we had to do it in front of the class?”

“I know it’s just a game and there are girls who are paired up with other girls, but the thought of getting up in front of everyone and doing that . . . What if someone realizes my feelings for you aren’t pretend?”

“You have feelings for me?”

“Well, yeah. Wasn’t it obvious when I did this?” Robin leans in and kisses her again.

From beyond the shelves, the library door swings open. The girls spring apart. Chrissy readjusts her skirt, while Robin acts incredibly interested in the books on sea creatures. Footsteps echo through the empty room, stopping at one of the study tables. Through the gaps in the shelves, she sees jean-clad legs and a pair of men’s Nikes. Chrissy bets if the person turns around, he’d be able to see them, too. 

She hears Robin’s breath catch. The girl goes still next to her, her eyes wide with fear.

She wants to comfort her. Even though she knows that if someone found them sitting next to each other, they wouldn’t immediately assume that they’d been kissing moments before. However, because they had come so close to being discovered, she understands that fear. But she wants to be strong for Robin.

Some papers rustle, and then the student leaves the library. It’s all so anti-climatic, Chrissy can’t help the nervous laugh that bubbles up inside her.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so,” but Robin doesn’t look okay. She bites her lip, looking everywhere but at Chrissy. 

Chrissy touches her hand, where it rests on her thigh. Robin doesn’t jerk away, but she can feel how her girlfriend tenses at the contact.

She lets out a shaky breath. Chrissy can tell the smile on her lips is fake, but she doesn’t say anything. “Maybe we shouldn’t do this again at school.” 

Her heart falls. She looks down at their hands. "Maybe.” 

“Hey, I still want to see you. I still want to be with you. Just not here.” She bites her lip. “What are you doing after cheer practice?”

“I’ve got to catch up on the reading. I haven’t even made it to volume two yet.”

“Which chapter are you on?”

“Chapter eleven.”

“I’m in the middle of chapter twelve. I’m working tonight. Do you want to come over and we can read together in between customers?”

“The way you talk about Family Video makes me wonder how it stays in business.”

“I only ask you to come over on slow nights.”

“Okay. I’ll be there. But I have to leave before 6:30. My mother is hosting a potluck dinner for her Sunday school friends. She needs me to help set everything up.”

“Then I’ll have you until then.”

_______

The bell over the entrance to Family Video jingles, cutting Chrissy off from reading aloud.

Robin’s customer service smile takes over her face, transforming her into such a different person that Chrissy wants to laugh. 

“Hi, welcome to – oh, it’s just you.” Robin’s smile falls into her natural resting face.

“Nice to see you too, Bridie. And Queen Chrissy, what a pleasure.” Eddie drops into a deep bow.

“At ease, boy. The dingus is taking his smoke break out back.”

“Then, if you ladies would excuse me. I have a former king to convene with.” His face softens, eyes brightening just a bit more from the mention of Steve. 

It’s endearing. Chrissy wonders if that’s how she looks when someone mentions Robin. Chrissy watches as he makes his way to the break room, practically skipping his way there.

“Does he come around often?”

“Too much.” 

“More than I do?” She teases. She’s there for almost all of Robin’s shifts now, working on homework, shooting the breeze, and sneaking into the break room in between customers to steal kisses.

So many kisses.

“You don’t come by enough in my opinion.” She grins, leaning in as if she’s going to kiss her, but the sound of a car engine misfiring has her jumping back.

Chrissy frowns. It’s hard to ignore the disappointment that flares within her, but she understands Robin’s fear. Not only are they technically in public (even if the store is empty except for them), but the entire front of the store is covered in windows, exposing them to any passerby who decides to peer in. They’re not shielded by the safety of their houses or the shelves of the school’s empty library. They have to be careful with their affections.

It sucks. When she and Jason had kissed in public, no one had given them a second glance. If she were to kiss Robin in public, worse things could happen to them than just social suicide. Chrissy should know. She’s read the news stories. She’s heard Pastor Daniel’s sermons. She knows that if it weren’t for Robin – if it had been any girl but Robin – she’d be too scared to act on her attraction.

But it <em>is</em> Robin. She doesn’t know if it’s their shared past or just something about Robin, but she makes Chrissy feel brave. Of course, she’s nervous about getting discovered, but she’s not afraid of the fiery depths of hell Pastor Daniel says all homosexuals will endure. Because if there’s a loving god, why would he make something so good like what she and Robin have a sin?

She brushes off her trail of thought, focusing back on the pages in front of her. They need to get the reading done before the end of the week. Chrissy would prefer sooner, so she and Robin can have some uninterrupted time together.

They’re only a couple of chapters from the end when the next customer comes in. Chrissy watches her girlfriend give the old man a tour, helping him select a movie and ringing him up. It isn’t until the door slams shut behind him, that Chrissy’s eyes drift to the clock hanging above the entrance.

Panic clamps around her chest. It’s way later than she’d thought. “Shit, I’ve got to get home. My mom is going to kill me if I’m late.”

Robin deflates, and it’s almost enough to make her stay. But she can’t because if she misses her mother’s party, then she’s going to pay extra attention to Chrissy’s comings and goings. Which means she’ll be expected to come straight home from cheer practice and games, and she won’t be able to spend hours at Family Video with Robin. Because of their schedules, that’s the only time the girls really get to spend with each other outside of school. And, she can’t let school be the only place she sees her girlfriend.

Robin gives her hand a squeeze. “Call me when you get there?”

“Of course.”

Robin walks her to her car door and, after looking all around them, gives her a quick peck on the cheek before dashing back inside the store.

Chrissy melts.

She turns the key in the ignition. The engine lets out a half-hearted sputter. 

“No, no, no.” This can’t be happening.

She tries again. And again. And again. And if she keeps on trying, she thinks she’ll break the whole thing.

She slams the door shut and walks back into Family Video.

Robin looks up at her. “Is something wrong?” 

“My car won’t start. I don’t have time to call a tow truck, and–” she feels like she’s going to hyperventilate.

“Hey, it’s okay. Here, let me.” Robin rushes into the break room.

A few moments later, she returns with the boys and they all go take a look at her car.

Steve, ditching his vest, rolls up his sleeves. “Pop the hood of the car.”

She stares blankly at the dashboard, wishing she’d paid more attention in Driver’s Ed. “How do I do that?”

“Eddie, can you?”

“On it.” Eddie jogs over to the driver’s side door and opens it. He bends into a crouch and pulls a lever Chrissy had never noticed before.

Embarrassment heats her cheeks. This is her car. She should know where things are. She should be able to take care of things herself.

Steve lifts the hood and disappears from view.

Chrissy gets out of the car to go watch him, hoping she can learn something from all this. However, everything under the hood looks the same, and even if it didn’t, she doesn’t think she could process new information with her current state of mind.

“You know what he’s doing?” She asks Robin as they watch Steve stare at the engine.

“Beats me. I never learned to drive.”

She glances at her. “You don’t know how to drive?”

It makes sense now why Steve drives her everywhere. She’d thought he just did it because they were friends.

Robin shrugs. “I’m poor.”

“You mean you can’t afford one? It doesn’t cost much to take the exam. I could spot you the money.”

“Can’t afford it,” she says. “Besides, I can just bum rides off Steve forever. Right, Steve?”

Steve doesn’t acknowledge her, too focused on messing around with Chrissy’s engine. After a few moments of doing . . . something, he turns to Eddie. “Can you start the car, babe?”

“Sure thing. Chrissy, can you hand me your keys?”

She passes them over to Eddie.

He hops into the driver’s seat and tries to start the car. Just like when Chrissy had tried, nothing happens. No sound. Not anything.

Steve frowns. “Nothing looks broken or out of place. Your battery must be dead. Do you have jumper cables? I’ll bring my car over and we can jumpstart her.”

Her face falls. “I don’t have cables.”

“Eddie, do you?”

Eddie’s head pops out from over the open car door. “Wayne has them.”

No no no no no. She has to get back home now. She can’t let school be the only place she sees Robin. Not when Robin’s so scared to give her any physical affection there, even when they’re alone. She doesn't want to give up their one semi-safe refuge. Especially over something as silly as car trouble.

But her mom won’t care. Sometimes it feels like she cares more about how Chrissy’s seen than her well-being. Sometimes she feels like her mother’s little doll to play with and dress, and if she doesn’t do exactly what she says, Chrissy’s punished. It doesn’t matter that things are out of control. Chrissy should have tried harder. It’s all just so not fair, but that’s how it is. Her vision tunnels. 

“Hey, hey.” Eddie comes over to her. He places his hands on her shoulders and bends down to look her in the eyes. “Let me drive you home. I’ll go get the jumper cables after, and we can bring your car when it’s up and driving again. Does that sound okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Good. Robin, why don’t you get her situated in the van, and I’ll grab her backpack.”

Suddenly, Robin’s arm is around her waist. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Here, just take a step up.”

Robin helps her buckle up when her hands shake too much. She squeezes her hand, telling her it’s all going to be okay before shutting the door.

The engine rumbles. She watches Robin grow smaller as Eddie pulls the van out of the parking lot.

She turns in her seat to face the road ahead of them. Downtown Hawkins zooms by. Eddie drives like a maniac, and it does nothing to calm the panic coiling in her stomach.

“Your mom’s strict, huh?” Eddie says, breaking the silence. 

“A bit.”

“Stevie’s parents are the same.” Eddie turns the radio on, fiddling with the volume so it isn’t so loud. He flips through stations as they zoom down Main Street, stopping when it lands on a classical music station.

“You know, I used to hate this kind of music. Then, my uncle Wayne told me to close my eyes and imagine Tom and Jerry running around wreaking havoc.”

It’s so unexpected, she has to look over at him. “What?” 

“You know, the cartoon cat and mouse that hate each other?”

“I know who Tom and Jerry are. Everyone knows who Tom and Jerry are.”

“Then it should be easy. Hear how intense the strings are. Close your eyes and imagine Tom setting a trap to catch Jerry. Go on, close your eyes.”

She does.

“Now hear how whimsical it sounds? Imagine Jerry waltzing up to the trap and–”

The brass section wails. 

“He’s caught!”

In her mind’s eye, she sees it perfectly.

“Now, pay attention to the piano. Jerry’s finding his way out of the trap and a way to get revenge on the cat.”

She lets out a short laugh at the image.

The van stops moving. She hears Eddie put it into park.

“And, look. We’re here.”

She opens her eyes and, sure enough, they’re parked in her driveway. She finally feels like she can breathe again.

Eddie scratches something on a slip of paper and hands it to her. “Here’s my phone number. If you ever need anything – even just to get away for a bit, use. Okay?”

She stares at him for a moment, wondering what she’d done to make him want to offer such a thing. She nods.

When she gets inside, her mother is waiting by the front window, watching Eddie’s van peel out of their driveway.

“Who was that?”

“One of Robin’s friends. My car battery died, and he offered to drive me home.”

“Why couldn’t Robin drive you home?”

“She doesn’t have a license. Or a car.”

“Why not?”

She shrugs. “She’s poor.”

“Well, that was nice of him. Though, he could use a haircut. He’s never going to get a girlfriend with all that hair.”

Chrissy bites her tongue. 

“Well, come on now. I need you to set the table. The ladies will be here any moment.”

She takes one last look out the curtains. For a split second, she thinks she sees Jason’s car driving down the street, which doesn’t make sense. He lives in a completely different neighborhood. Why would he be on her street? She drops the curtain, deciding it must be someone else’s Jeep.

“Yes, mom.” 

_______

Eddie approaches her at Robin’s locker while Chrissy is waiting for her girlfriend’s third-period class to finish.

Without so much as a greeting, he plucks the paperback from her hands. “Oh, I love this book.” 

“You’ve read Jane Austen?”

“Of course. She’s one of the greats. What? Does that shock you?”

“A little. I’ve never known any guy who admits to reading romance books.”

“Well, one, every guy has read at least one romance book, and if he says he hasn’t, he’s either lying or doesn’t know what a romance book is. And two, it’s not just a romance book. It’s a parody of the gothic genre. In fact, Austen’s books at large are about the human experience – not just the romantic parts. Emma is about learning to grow up from your childish ways and views of the world. Persuasion gives hope to people who believe the time for their lives to begin has up and passed. Don’t even get me started on Sense and Sensibility!”

He punctuates his statement by raising a hand to his forehead and pretending to swoon. He overestimates his weight as he throws his body back and topples to the ground nearly taking out the people behind him.

A laugh bursts out of her chest.

Eddie scrambles up and brushes the imaginary dirt off his shirt.

“You’re really passionate about Jane Austen.”

“My dear, queen. I’m passionate about everything.”

“Then do you think you could help me study for the test over this?” She takes her book back from him. “It’s on Monday. I was supposed to study with Robin this weekend, but she’s going to be away at a band retreat.”

“You do know that I’ve flunked senior year two times already?”

“But you know the material. Please, I’m desperate.” 

He ponders for a moment before his face spreads into a Cheshire cat grin. “I would be happy to aid you in your quest, dear queen.”

She’s about to suggest a time and place to meet when Jason calls out her name. She turns around to see her ex-boyfriend storming toward her and Eddie, a storm of anger clouding his face.

“You left me for him?”

Her brow knits in confusion. “Jason, what are you talking about?”

“I should have known sooner. You’ve been hanging all over him, sitting at his table for the past few weeks. But, no, I didn’t believe it until I saw his van leaving your house on Saturday.”

“Are you stalking me?”

“Are you sleeping with him?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” she snaps. 

She tries to focus on grabbing her things from her locker. She thinks if she doesn’t look at him, if she stops responding to him, he’ll leave. But it’s hard to ignore him when he’s right there. Because, yes, he’s acting like an asshole, but part of her still loves him. Even though she loves Robin more, her feelings for him didn’t disappear when she and Robin kissed. 

“Are you fucking the trailer trash?”

Her heart stops. How dare he speak that way of Eddie. How dare he speak that way to her. She sees red. 

She slams her locker door, hoping the action lets some of her anger out. 

It doesn’t.

She turns to give Jason a piece of her mind when Eddie pushes himself in front of her.

“That’s no way you should be talking to a lady. I think you’d better apologize to her and leave.”

“This conversation doesn’t involve you,” Jason snaps.

“Then you shouldn’t have included me in it. Now, apologize to her.”

A crowd gathers around them. She practically feels the onlookers’ excitement for a fight to break out. Further down the hallway, she spots Robin walking towards them, brow furrowed in confusion.

As if pulled by some invisible string, she steps toward her girlfriend. She wants to take Robin’s hand and go to class or completely ditch school and all these curious eyes altogether.

She doesn’t make it more than a few steps, when Jason grabs ahold of her wrist. It’s just a brief moment of contact before Eddie’s grabbing him by his letterman and slamming him into the locker.

“Leave her alone,” Eddie says through gritted teeth.

Jason chuckles. “Of course you’d defend the slut. How much of your drug money are you paying her to fuck you?”

Eddie slams him against the lockers again, knocking his breath away. 

Jason looks back at him, hellfire in his eyes. And then fists go flying. 

She doesn’t know what other girls see in having two boys fight over them. It’s horrible, the sick sound of flesh being beaten. The blood that blooms from new wounds. The crunch of bone and teeth. They’re like animals, fighting for the kill. Less human than anything she’d ever seen.

She can’t take it anymore. And with her racing, panicked mind, she can only think of one way to get the fighting to stop.

“I’m gay!”

The whole hallway seems to freeze at her explosion, and, thankfully, it’s enough to distract the boys from their brawl.

“What? Chris, you’re not–”

“I am, Jason. I like women. That’s why I broke up with you. That’s why I’m not sleeping with Eddie.”

And from across the way, Robin stares at her, white as a ghost. 

She looks to her for comfort, for strength, for anything. Instead, Robin turns on her heel and runs away. 

She rushes after her. No one tries to get in her way, too absorbed in the brawl to care. She turns down a hall after her girlfriend, but she’s nowhere in sight. She vanished like a ghost. Like the little girl who went to Minnesota all those years ago. 

The word of her confession spreads throughout the school. People snicker at her in the halls. The girls she used to think were her friends went out of their way to avoid her. And worst of all, she doesn’t see Robin anywhere. She doesn’t know if her girlfriend went home or is actively hiding from her. She doesn’t know if there’s really a difference between the two. 

She’s relieved when she turns onto her street. She wants to bury herself under her covers, hiding from the phantom eyes that she can still feel on her even alone in her car.

That relief is short-lived. Pulling up to the front of her house, she catches her father in the process of throwing her stuff out on the curb. He’s heading back inside to grab more, she assumes, when she gets out of her car. 

Dazed, she stumbles up to the porch, where her mother is perched, crying into a tissue.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“Christina, tell me it isn’t true. Tell me you aren’t a–” She hiccups. “A homosexual!”

Her father pushes past them, his arms loaded down with her wicker desk chair.

“Dad. Dad.”

“I put up with you hanging around that Munson boy,” he spits, dumping the chair into the pile. “I thought you were having a healthy teenage rebellious phase. But a queer? I will not allow someone who chooses to live in sin to live under my roof.”

She looks to her mom for help, but her mother looks away.

She can’t let herself cry, even though that’s all she wants to do. She doesn’t want to seem weak in front of them.

Her father’s red face is blank like a stone.

She doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know how she can convince them to love her. She doesn’t know if she can plead with them to turn their backs on their hateful doctrine.

So, she doesn’t say anything.

She takes off her backpack, and starts shoving clothes from the pile her father had made into it.

She starts toward her car. She’ll come back for the rest of her things later when her parents have gone to sleep. Until then, she’s going to save face.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

She turns on her father. “Away from here. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“Not in that car, you’re not.” He holds out his hand. “Give me the keys.”

“But it’s my car!” They had given it to her for her sixteenth birthday. Her father had been giddy with excitement when he gifted her the keys.

“The papers aren’t in your name. I’m the one who pays for it, so it’s still mine.”

She stares at him. He can’t be serious.

But the look on his face says otherwise.

She fishes the keys out of her pocket, and it takes everything in her to not chuck them at him.

“You can come back here when you decide you no longer want to live in sin.”

The words sting her soul. Shaking, she turns her back on the only home she’s ever known.

Chrissy doesn’t know how she makes it to the gas station payphone without falling apart. She fishes out some change from her backpack along with the scrap paper with Eddie’s number. The only phone number she has memorized by heart is Robin’s, and even if she could drive, she’s not sure if her girlfriend wants to see her right now.

That hurts worse than the words her parents threw at her. Robin is one of the few people who knows what living like this is like. She should be here to comfort her. She should be here to hold her when the tears finally come.

But instead, she ran.

And Chrissy’s alone.

Eddie picks up the phone after the third ring.

“Munson residence, Wayne speaking.”

The greeting startles her enough to make her forget why she’s calling. “Why are you answering with your uncle’s name?”

“Oh, hey, Chris. I need to take the day off dealing, so if people think they’re getting my uncle, well . . .”

The bell over the Qwik Mart’s entrance jingles. A flock of jocks in lettermans storm the candy aisle like squirrels stocking up for a long winter. One of them glances her way, recognition flickering in his eyes. He nudges his buddy, and suddenly they’re all looking at her.

She grips the phone cord for security. “I need you to come pick me up.”

“Are you okay? Where are you?” Over the receiver, she hears him pick up his keys.

“I’m at the Qwik Mart by my house.”

“Are you safe to stay there?”

She hesitates, watching as the shop clerk finishes ringing the boys up. Her heart hammers in her chest, until the door closes behind them. She exhales, “Yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in five.”

She doesn’t tell him it’s a ten-minute drive from the gas station to the trailer park. After four years of witnessing Eddie tear out of the school parking lot, she knows it wouldn’t matter. She hangs up the receiver.

The van rumbles to a stop outside the gas station exactly five minutes later. Eddie jumps out of the van and jogs over to her when she pushes through the doors.

“Hey, are you okay?” 

He holds her shoulders and looks her over. He’s cleaned up in the hours since she last saw him. His knuckles are wrapped in gauze, and a butterfly bandage covers a pretty nasty-looking cut above his brow. Other than that and a pretty gnarly-looking bruise blooming under his right eye, he seems fine. Still, she can’t help but feel guilty for running. He’d been defending her, and she couldn’t even stay to pick him up. 

Word around Hawkins High travels fast, so she knows he and Jason were suspended for the incident. The incident she can’t help but feel responsible for.

Just like she’s responsible for Robin avoiding her.

And her parents wanting nothing to do with her.

“I-I don’t.” The tears finally come.

He pulls her into a bone-crushing hug. He holds her until the sobs ebb and she pulls away.

“What happened, Chris?”

“My parents kicked me out.”

“Shit.”

She sniffs. “Yeah.”

“Are you . . ? Did they hurt you?”

She shakes her head.

He pulls away just enough to look into her eyes. “You can stay with me and Wayne for as long as you need.” 

She wants to protest, but he pulls her back into a hug and it’s the safest she’s felt in a while. When they finally do break, she gets into the van, letting him take her back to his home.

“You should have let him believe it. I would have pretended to be your boyfriend.”

Leaning her head against the cool glass, she watches as Downtown Hawkins zooms by. “That only would have made things worse. I know the boys Jason spends time with. They would have gone after you for disrespecting my honor or whatever.”

Eddie sighs. “Chris, you outed yourself. I know you’re new to this. You’re not used to being the target of people’s bigoted beliefs, but I’ve been living through it since middle school. It’s not great. I could have taken them. What’s a little more shit thrown my way?”

“I don’t like the way they talk about you.” It’s true. The way they talk about people they deem lesser than themselves is deplorable. She doesn’t know why she ever hung out with them. 

“And saving me from some harmless words was more important than you having a place to live?” He practically shouts. “Sorry, that was too far.”

She frowns. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Okay. Okay, I get it. Do you want me and Steve to get your stuff later?”

She nods. The mention of Steve makes her think of Robin again. She’s probably at work with him right now. She wonders if she told Steve about Chrissy outing herself. He probably thinks Robin was right in running away from her. Being seen near her is social suicide right now. Still, she wants to hear her voice.

When she gets to the trailer, she grabs the Munsons’ phone and dials Robin’s number.

“Buckley residence.”

“Hi, Mr. Buckley. It’s Chrissy. Is Robin home?”

“One moment,” he pulls the receiver away from him, dulling his voice. “Robin! Chrissy’s on the phone.”

In the background, she hears her girlfriend’s muffled voice. “I don’t feel like talking to her.” 

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Mr. Buckley asks.

“I don’t know! Say I’m not here right now.”

Chrissy’s knees weaken. She slides down the wall, the receiver clutched in her hands.

Mr. Buckley brings the receiver back to his mouth. “Sorry, Chrissy. Robin’s not here right now.”

Somewhere in her, she finds the strength to respond. “Okay, well can you tell her to call me when she gets back? I’d really like to talk with her.”

“Will do, sweetie.”

The line goes dead. She stays there on the floor for a few more minutes, staring off into space. Robin doesn’t want to see her. She doesn’t want to talk to her. She doesn’t want anything to do with her.

Eddie was right.

She shouldn’t have said anything.

The sun has long since set by the time Eddie comes out from his room, where he’d been hiding to give her privacy. “No luck?”

She looks up at him, the phone cradled in her lap. She doesn’t remember lowering it. “She didn’t want to talk with me.”

“Chris.”

“Does she not love me?” She gasps.

Eddie flops down next to her, pulling her into his side. “Look, I don’t try to pretend I know what’s going on in Birdie’s mind, but if I were to guess, she’s probably scared for her own safety right now. Being as close as she is with you, people are going to put two and two together and out her too.”

“She’s my girlfriend. She could at least talk to me.”

“I know.”

“I’ll ask Steve to talk to her.”

She doesn’t know how much help it will be, but it gives her some hope nonetheless. Robin is an unmovable force, but if anyone has a shot at persuading her, it’s Steve.

_______

Robin doesn’t sit at their table during lunch for the rest of the week. Whenever Chrissy sees her in the halls, Robin turns in the opposite direction. She barely even looks her way in Mrs. Crabtree’s class. 

The girls in the cheer squad seem to actively avoid her. She finds herself changing for gym class in a bathroom stall, rather than with her friends like she had just last week. It’s awful and isolating. The only people who seem to be okay with being near her are Eddie’s friends, but she doesn’t have much in common with them. At least not enough to chat about over sandwiches and cardboard pizza. She’s never felt so alone.

However, the tide turns Thursday, when the lanky freshman slides into the seat across from her. In the time she’s sat with the Hellfire Club, the boy has barely paid attention to her, finding more interest in the group’s leader. He even looks like a mini Eddie.

The rest of the club is still slowly filing into the cafeteria, so it’s just the two of them at the table. She unwraps her PB&J, ready to face another awkward lunch, when the boy speaks.

“How did you know that you’re–” He looks around before lowering his voice. “Gay.”

She sets her sandwich down, thinking for a moment. She still doesn’t know if she’s fully gay. Along with Jason, she has had feelings toward boys, but, as she’s looked back through her life, she’s had similar feelings toward girls as she has towards Robin. 

“I think I’ve always had these feelings, I just didn’t have the words for them,” she admits. “Robin and I, when we were kids we were practically inseparable, like most best friends. But her friendship feels different. More intense. More . . . important.” Not the same as what she and Heather had, even though that was important too.

“I think I’ve always loved her.”

“What about Jason? Did you not like him because you like Robin?”

“I did. I do, even though he’s–” She glances over to Jason’s table, only to find him already looking back a her. Her heart thumps. She looks away. “I liked him, but I think it was always going to be Robin for me.”

“So,” he swallows. “So, you’re saying it’s okay to like both?”

She looks at him. Like, really looks at him. The metalhead punk clothes he wears suddenly look too big on him. He’s not some tough satanist that the rest of the school claims the Hellfire club members to be.

He’s a frightened little kid. 

But behind that fear, there’s a glimmer of hope.

“I think whatever you feel is important and real.”

He doesn’t respond, but she can see her words as they sink in. And suddenly Hawkins feels less lonely.

_______

By Saturday, she feels like she’s climbing up the walls of the trailer. She likes Eddie and she knows that in any other circumstance, she’d find comfort in the quiet kindness of Wayne, but she needs some semblance of her old life back. So, when Steve tells Eddie that Robin’s finally open to talking to her, she practically sprints to Eddie’s van.

However, as they stand in front of the Harrington mansion, waiting for him to answer the door, all of the anxieties of the week crash against her like a hurricane. What if Robin only wants to see her because she wants to break up with her? Is this how their story ends? By Chrissy making a stupid mistake in the moment, only to lose everything she held dear. 

Chrissy fiddles with the cuffs of the sweatshirt Eddie had lent her. It’s a couple of sizes too big and smells faintly of weed, cigarettes, and the Munson’s laundry detergent. Even though she’s never felt more at home in an article of clothing, it’s hard to feel comforted with all her anxieties ping-ponging inside her.

Before she can chicken out, Steve opens the door and beacons them inside. “Hey, guys.”

She can tell by the way his eyes keep flicking over to Eddie that he really wants to touch him. However, he refrains, and for that, Chrissy’s grateful. Even though in the past week, Eddie has become one of her closest friends, the thought of seeing others experience that affection she’s been so starved for hurts.

“Robin’s in the study.”

Chrissy’s been to Steve’s house a few times for his parties over the years, and while the layout is familiar to her, she’s never been to the study. It’s a relatively small room off the kitchen, which Chrissy had always assumed was a laundry room.

Dark wood bookcases melt into the dark wood paneling that covers the walls. An ornate, solid wood desk stands in the middle of the room, with a high-backed chair on one side and two burgundy leather chairs on the other. The overhead lights are turned off and there are no windows in the room, so the only source of light comes from the banker’s lamp on the desk and a standing lamp in the corner. The warm light casts shadows on the room, making Chrissy feel like she’s walked into a dragon’s lair.

With shaking legs, she steps deeper into the room, and then she sees her. Chrissy’s chest constricts.

Robin sits on the floor behind the desk, an open leather-bound book in her lap. Her eyes go wide when she looks up at them. At Chrissy.

She closes her book, setting it to the side before scrambling to her feet.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Eddie sneezes behind her, reminding Chrissy that despite what feels like a private moment, they’re not alone. 

“Hey, Eddie.”

“Hi, Birdie. It’s been a minute.”

Robin glances away, and Chrissy remembers that it wasn’t just her she’d abandoned.

“We’ll leave you two to it.” Steve takes Eddie's hand and leads him out of the room, the study door closing behind them.

With the door closed, the noise of the outside world is drowned out. They’re in their own little land here, like those kids in a book she’d read long ago with their wardrobe and lion protector. It’s a little terrifying, but also incredibly comforting. Like they’re protected from everything and everyone outside of themselves.

“I didn’t even know this room existed.”

“It’s Steve’s dad’s. He’s rarely here, so I doubt he knows it exists either. It’s a good place to hide.”

“So, this is where you’ve been when you’re avoiding me,” she can’t help the venom that leaks into her tone. She’s survived this week but just barely.

“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t risk being seen with you.”

“Why?” 

Robin groans in frustration, standing up to pace the room. Chrissy just watches. She doesn’t want to make another rash decision and say something she can’t take back. Better to hear her out, than risk losing her forever. If she hasn’t lost her already.

“People have finally stopped thinking I’m a lesbian because of my proximity to Steve. If I’m seen around you any more than I’ve been, they’re going to know what they’ve been saying about me is true. I’m not ready to be out like that.”

“Robbie, I needed you.”

Her voice softens. “I know.”

“I thought you wanted to be with me.”

“I do.”

“So, why aren’t you answering my calls? Why are you avoiding me outside of school? Why did it take our friends setting this up for you to agree to talk to me?” 

“Because I’m scared!” The volume of her own voice startles Robin. She covers her mouth. Speaking softer, she lowers her hand. “I’m scared, Chris. People already look at me like I’m a freak. I don’t want them to know they’re right.”

“You think liking me makes you a freak?”

“No, but,” she sighs. “I don’t know. What if they’re right? What if we are perverse? What if this isn’t natural.”

The words cut her heart like shards of glass. Tears cloud her vision.

“What could be more natural than love?”

Robin whips her head up to look at her. “You love me?”

“Yeah. I think I’ve loved you for forever.”

She laughs, wiping away a tear Chrissy hadn’t seen. “You know, the whole reason I avoided you last year was because I was afraid of getting outed? I thought that if people saw the way I looked at you, they’d know immediately.”

Chrissy bites her lip. “So, you mean . . .”

“Chris, I’ve had a crush on you since we were kids. I think you were my gay awakening, and seeing you again last year after all that time only intensified my feelings.”

Robin slides down to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest.

Chrissy sits down next to her, not touching, but close enough to feel the heat radiating off her. She doesn’t know what to say. 

“This situation is so fucked.”

That startles a laugh out of her.

The weight of Robin’s head falls on her shoulder. Her hair smells like strawberry shampoo. Chrissy leans her head against the wood-paneled wall, closing her eyes.

“Why did you do it?” She mumbles against Chrissy’s sweatshirt.

Chrissy stares up at the ceiling. Why did she do it? She could have just lied. People would have continued to make their assumptions about her, but they wouldn’t dare think the cheerleader was in love with a girl. 

“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Do you regret it?”

She plays with the rings on Robin’s fingers. For the first time since her whole world crumbled, she wishes she could take back her words. She wishes the world were different. She wishes they didn’t have to be scared to love each other.

She doesn’t wish her parents would take her back, though. She feels like she should, but the pain of losing them doesn’t compare to the pain she felt when she thought she’d lost Robin again. She wants to scream at the world for making her ever feel ashamed for loving a girl.

And she can’t take her words back, so there’s no use in wishing she could and wondering how life could have been different. And does she really want it to be different? Does she want to spend the rest of her life hiding this shiny, new part of herself that she hasn’t had the chance to explore?

“Not really,” she says finally.

Robin sighs. She sits up, and Chrissy instantly misses her warmth. This is it. She’s going to leave her for good. Chrissy made her choice and she has to live with it. If she truly loves Robin, then she has to let her do the same. 

She does her best to steal her heart. Even though she knows it’s coming, she knows it will absolutely break her. She hopes, though, if she’s at least a little bit prepared, she can keep herself together at least until she gets back to Eddie’s van.

“I’m going to do it, then.”

Her attention whips around to her. Did she? She must have misheard her. But no. The look of determined resolve on Robin’s face tells her that she’d heard her right.

“Robin, no, you don’t have to out yourself. I just want you to talk to me in public sometimes.”

“Chris, if I’m going to be your girlfriend, whenever we’re together in public, people are going to assume. Might as well get ahead of the narrative.”

Her heart still flutters at the word “girlfriend.” She has to focus. This is a big decision, and Robin shouldn’t make it impulsively like she did. “What about your parents?”

“If they don’t like it, then I’ll move in with Steve. His parents are never around, and I basically already live here anyway.”

“People are going to look at you differently,” Chrissy continues, still unsure if Robin knows what she’s truly getting herself into. “You’ll hear them whisper behind your back what they don’t say to your face. They’re not going to want to be near you.”

“I’ve got you and Steve and Eddie. Fuck everyone else. People are not the scariest things in Hawkins.” Her voice trails off. Her eyes look glassy and faraway.

There’s something more there. Chrissy’s sure of it. She feels it deep in her bones. It’s one of those things Robin has a habit of saying that makes Chrissy feel like there’s more going on than she’s allowed to know about.

It doesn’t bother her, though. She knows Robin will tell her in time.

They’ve got time, she thinks as she grips Robin’s hand a little tighter. 

“So, you’re doing this?”

“I’m doing this.” She sighs, “But can we stay here like this for just a bit longer?”

“We can stay like this forever.”

Chrissy wraps her arms around the other girl, letting her lean her weight against her. The feeling grounds her. Robin’s short hair tickles her nose, but she doesn’t brush it away. She doesn’t want to disturb this.

“What do you think the boys are getting up to?” Robin’s voice cracks after a while.

She huffs out a little laugh, trying to dispel the images of what could be happening above them. “God, I don’t want to know.”

Robins giggles, tilting her head up to look at her. Her bright green eyes shine in the lamplight, and Chrissy is overcome by just how beautiful her girlfriend — her girlfriend! — is. 

She leans down, her lips brushing Robin’s. She hears her girlfriend inhale sharply, but right before Chrissy pulls away, she’s kissing her back. And everything feels right with the world.

_______

“This is taking too long. I should go in.” Steve unclicks his seat belt.

Eddie grabs onto his shoulder, stopping him from getting out of the car. “Slow down, big boy. It’s only been a few minutes. She’s fine.” 

“Are we sure, though?”

“Yes, Stevie. She’s probably just rambling. You know how she gets.”

Steve grumbles, but doesn’t make to leave the car.

Chrissy stares out the window from the back seat of Steve’s BMW. She doesn’t like how long Robin’s taking either, but she knows that whatever happens, she can handle herself. And if she doesn’t feel like she can – if things take a turn for the worse – well, that’s why they’re parked outside of the Buckley’s new home.

It’s a single-story dwelling with green-painted wood paneling. If not for its bright red front door, the house would disappear behind all the snow-covered trees and climbing vines surrounding it. It’s no wonder the Buckleys chose this place. It looks straight out of a fairytale.

As she stares at Mrs. Buckley’s tarp-protected flower bed movement catches her eyes. Robin opens the front door. Chrissy feels her heart in her throat. 

She pops open the car door when Robin nears. The other girl scrambles inside, a shivering mess despite her layers of coats and leg warmers. Chrissy pulls her in, wrapping her arms around her and willing her body heat to warm her bones.

“How’d it go?” Steve asks in the rearview mirror.

“They’re not thrilled, but I don’t think they’re mad. I think they just need time to wrap their heads around it.”

“So, that’s good?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not great, but it’s better than I thought it’d go.” Robin’s cold nose brushes her skin as she burrows her face into Chrissy’s neck.

“Well, better than you thought is the best outcome. We should celebrate!” Eddie declares. “Let’s get ice cream!” 

Robin and Steve both groan.

“Please, anything but ice cream,” Robin pleads.

“I still can’t even look at the stuff,” Steve agrees.

Eddie crosses his arms and rolls his eyes, but from the upturned corners of his lips, Chrissy knows he’s playing. “Killjoys.”

“What about diner hot chocolate, with extra whipped cream?” She suggests. She feels Robin perk up at the idea.

“You heard the lady,” Eddie pats his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Onwards, to the diner!”

“Aye, aye, captain.”

Robin giggles against her. Heat finally radiates from her body again, but she doesn’t move to sit up. 

Chrissy doesn’t mind. She doesn’t think anything will bother her, so long as she’s got her people by her side.

_______

The final day of the semester finally comes. After today, it’s midterms then they’re free for a whole two weeks, and Chrissy can’t wait. Turns out, her Aunt Rose, who lives with her “best gal pal” two towns over, is a lot more like her than she’d realized. When she’d heard why her brother and sister-in-law had kicked Chrissy out, she’d offered Chrissy the spare room in her and her girlfriend’s house. Robin, Eddie, and Steve are helping her move after her last midterm. Sure, she’ll have to finish out her senior year in a whole other school district, but she’ll live with people who understand her. Plus, she gets to stay in the same county as Robin, and she knows the distance between them won’t be too difficult to bear.

So, with it being her last full class day at Hawkins High, Chrissy intends to go out with a bang. And what better place to do that than in fourth-period English?

“It looks like we only have a handful of suitable, betrothed couples,” Mrs. Crabtree announces at the beginning of class. “Are there any other gentlemen, who, perhaps, would like to take a moment to ask their beloveds a very happy question?”

“I have an announcement!” Robin jumps up from her seat.

Mrs. Crabtree startles. “Oh, yes, well, you may have the floor, Miss Greyworthy.”

Robin turns to Chrissy and bends down on one knee, holding a paper-folded flower up to her in offering.

“Mr. Arthur P. Stapleton, these last few months of our acquaintance have been some of the best I’ve ever had. I know our relationship has been fraught with challenges. I know that some people might not approve of the match, but I cannot let you get away from me again.”

“Oh, that’s not really the way things were done,” Mrs. Crabtree interjects, but she does nothing more to stop them.

Chrissy only has eyes for Robin, though. “I will.”

She imagines a moment like this, years down the line, where they can ask as themselves and not characters in a game. And she knows she’s getting ahead of herself. She knows they’re just in high school and have so much life yet to experience. She knows that there will be fights and heart ache and that things between them may not last. But she also knows that there will be good things that happen. So many good things. That there will be love and laughter, and that it will outweigh any loss felt. And while she eagerly awaits the day Robin can get down on one knee for real, she’s so excited to experience all the in-between bits that make life so much sweeter.

Because Chrissy knows what life is like without Robin. And she knows she’s going to hold onto this as tight as she can.