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sam was fourteen when she realized she was a girl. only soul she ever told was dean, who understood and didn’t understand. she had to do her own research at the back of various libraries and found out what she was. it wasn’t an illness — at least, as far as she could tell, only some sources thought it was. it was just something that happened sometimes. people are born in the wrong bodies.
she still thinks it’s a little ironic. she was born in the body dean wished for, and dean was born in the body she wanted. they are the same and they are different. they understand each other and they don’t.
two years later, at eighteen, her body is betraying her. she’s huge, towering over her brother and her father. she towers over them now as she grips a letter in her hand and stares at her father. can he even be called that at this point?
“you walk out that door, you don’t come back.”
sam looks to dean, wondering if he’ll say anything. he doesn’t. he just watches as sam turns on her heel, storms into their shared room, and starts shoveling her few belongings into a bag. she’s out the door before another word is spoken, and she ignores the yelling she leaves behind. dean can deal with john on his own. they’ve always been one and the same. violent hunters, quick to pounce and hit and kill.
sam is different from them, in more ways than one. she thinks about these differences as she walks in the darkness towards the bus station, a hoodie tugged low over her face. for one, she hates fighting and hunting. what’s fun about getting hit or clawed or bitten?! what’s fun about having to sit beside an exhausted dean and stitching him up, while john gets plastered on the sofa? she hates this life, she hates her father, and she hates that the biggest othering aspect of all is that she’s not the son or the brother he think she is. and she never even got to tell him. as far as she remembers, john had never been a dick to dean about his gender. that never made it easier. never let her say it to her father’s face.
when sam arrives in palo alto, she changes her wardrobe quickly. she buys a dress for the first time in a long time. it’s long, though thanks to her height it only reaches her calves. she pulls together ever ounce of courage in her body and she wears it to orientation. it catches in the wind and flares around her, a dark floral pattern, and her grown-out hair hides her haunted eyes. she gets misgendered a few times, but california is by far the most welcoming place she’s ever seen. the first time she hears someone call her “she,” her heart clenches in her chest and her eyes dart around nervously, waiting for someone to laugh.
no one does, and everyone uses her proper pronouns after that. she's gifted a pin that boldly states "my pronouns are she/her" and she wears it with pride.
sam is two months into her first semester, and she's acing all of her courses. it's amazing what a normal life can gift someone. she still has nightmares, and her eyes still linger on the crime section of the newspaper. she still checks her phone with a sinking feeling in her chest that is not at all relieved when she sees no new missed calls from dean or john. but she's adjusting.
her closet is full of thrifted skirts and dresses and crop tops. she crops a few of her own, in fact. one, an AC/DC shirt she didn't realize she'd stolen from dean. when she cuts off the bottom third of the shirt, she thinks about dean seeing her in it, showing off her toned midriff, paired with a black skirt that billows when she walks. she wonders if he would be pissed.
sam is suffering through finals week of her second semester when she's dragged to a bar with her group of friends. brady insists she go out; she's not exactly a shut-in, but her therapist suggests she might be suffering from an acute bout of agoraphobia. and doesn't she want to be normal? normal consists of going out on a regular basis, interacting with others, staying out way too late. at least, that's what she assumes, based off of brady's numerous stories.
she's leaning against the bar, her hair now grown out to her shoulders. she's lost in thought when brady suddenly calls her name into her ear. "earth to sam! c'mon, pay attention!" sam huffs as she pulls herself back together, focusing on what's in front of her rather than the monsters in her head.
brady stands beside a blond, curly haired woman. she has light eyes and a beauty mark and a wide smile. "i'm jessica!" she shouts over the bar chatter, thrusting her hand out towards sam, who blinks as if she's never been offered a handshake before.
"uh, sam!" she responds once her brain starts working again, trying to fight a feeling of bashfulness as her large hand envelops jessica's smaller one. they shake firmly, but jessica's hand lingers in hers, and sam doesn't pull away.
sam is finished with her first year of college when she asks jessica if she wants to move in together.
"why'd you take so long to ask, sammy?" jessica responds with her cheeky grin.
"it's sam!" she shoots back, her own grin brighter than it has been her entire life.
sam is beginning her second year and third semester at stanford when jessica sits down beside her at a table in the library, holding a hodge-podge collection of papers, notebooks, and folders. sam regards her curiously, before returning her attention to her assignment. "that looks like a tough one," she comments, assuming that jessica was just assigned a case to research, similar to her own assignment, which was breaking down roe v. wade and casey v. planned parenthood.
jessica rolls her eyes at sam's quick return to her work, and she sets down a girthy folder on top of sam's materials. sam blinks, about to ask what jessica is doing, when she processes the words on the page.
feminizing hormone therapy: a history and guide by jessica moore.
sam looks up at jessica, silent at first. jessica's eyes are glinting with excitement and a bit of nerves.
"you... did all this for me?" sam asks slowly, like she can't understand why someone would put so much work and time into something like this for someone like her.
"of course. i know your dysphoria is getting worse. you hardly shower or look at yourself in the mirror. so i figured we could look into this together. there's some clinics nearby, and you can easily get a referral from your therapist," jessica responds, speeding through her words with the fervor she often gets when discussing something she's passionate about.
sam and jessica have been dating for twelve weeks when she tells her she loves her.
sam is starting her fourth semester when she finally gets in to see a doctor and start hormone replacement therapy. she cries on the way home, and jessica holds her throughout her sleepless night.
sam is in the middle of her fourth semester when she hears someone breaking into her house. she's in love with her girlfriend and their life, and then dean ruins it all.
she doesn't take HRT after jessica dies.