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As everything always seemed to be lately, the topic of sexuality was brought up during their joint therapy session.
Aaron had held firmly to the idea that the joint sessions were pointless, that Josten was only starting this bullshit to mess with him, but it somehow ended up being exactly what they needed. They were both too emotionally constipated with each other that they really did need a third party to push them along and keep them on track.
For the most part, they tried to focus on the two of them. Their relationships were a touchy subject even with Betsy’s interventions, and aside from when they initially broke their deal, it wasn’t brought up again. But it was bound to come up eventually.
It started when Betsy asked them how their summer break went. Aaron had stayed with Katelyn’s family for the weeks without practice while Neil and Andrew stayed behind. He thought that they had stayed with Abby to be close to the court, but they had spent the time in Columbia.
“We didn’t do much. Just stayed at the house to hide out from Kevin’s obsession while we could,” Andrew said, a softness on his face that Aaron wasn’t used to seeing. It threw Aaron off to see his brother soft in any way, but especially when it involved Josten. “We left him with Wymack for some bonding time.”
“The time alone was good for you, wasn’t it?” Betsy smiled gently, like the idea of them spending time together was such a blessing. “You are always surrounded by your family, was it different for you?”
“It was,” Andrew paused and for a moment, Aaron thought that was it. He chanced a glance in his brother’s direction and noticed that he was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, a decidedly unnatural gesture for sober Andrew. “Not being subjected to constant exy was a relief.”
“How the hell did you pry Josten from the court for that long?” Aaron asked before he could stop himself. It was a valid question, Neil was almost as bad as Kevin for refusing to leave the court.
“Maybe he valued some time to be with Andrew over exy?” Betsy suggested when Andrew stayed silent. “Spending quality time with your partner is important to a relationship.”
“Sure, but I still find it surprising that Neil was willing to give that up.”
Andrew narrowed his eyes at Aaron.
“He was the one who suggested leaving Kevin behind,” Andrew glanced towards Betsy thoughtfully, as though he was considering carefully if he wanted to continue. Aaron noticed that he didn’t deny the partner part of Betsy’s statement. “I even managed to convince him to push back his runs so we could sleep in later.”
“That’s great, Andrew. I think it is very wonderful that he is willing to make changes to benefit your relationship,” Betsy sipped her hot cocoa and looked at Aaron. “Aaron, do you and Katelyn make similar compromises when you are spending breaks from your normal routine together?”
“Of course,” Aaron answered automatically. “I always play games less when we’re staying together.”
“See, it’s similar for Andrew and Neil.” Betsy said. Aaron wrinkled his nose at the comparison of him and Katelyn to Andrew and Neil. They felt like entirely different relationships, hell, Andrew and Neil barely seemed like a relationship. Betsy noticed his expression and asked, “Is there something you want to add?”
“I don’t get it. I don’t get your relationship at all,” Aaron admitted, cutting him off when Andrew glared at him. “And don’t say it isn’t one, Andrew.”
Aaron must have been getting better at reading Andrew because he could see the fucking sneer that would’ve been on his own face without Andrew’s moving noticeably.
“What don’t you understand?” Betsy asked him. “Is there anything specific?”
“It just doesn’t make sense to me. Josten is always so adamant that he doesn’t swing, but suddenly you’re hooking up soon after you come back from Easthaven?” Aaron fought to keep the irritation from spilling over, knowing that would only make Andrew shut him out, but it was difficult. “I just don’t get how he can claim he doesn’t swing and then ends up starting a relationship with you, especially one that is serious enough you’d pick him over me.”
“Aaron, I think we need to consider a few things.” Betsy interjected. “Firstly, Andrew choosing to end your deal wasn’t him picking Neil over you. It was him choosing to allow you both to have happiness that the deal was holding you back from. Seeing as you are both here, I’d say that’s an indication that you both are choosing each other and your partners.”
“And?” Aaron asked.
“And I think you’re misunderstanding Neil’s meaning behind him ‘ not swinging.’ ” Betsy looked to Andrew to gauge his response. “Does that sound accurate to you, Andrew?”
“He still doesn’t swing,” Andrew finally adds. That only fuels the confusion further for Aaron.
“That’s bullshit. How can he not swing if you are together?” Aaron turned to fully face Andrew. “That’s contradictory. It seems to me like he was lying this whole time to cover up the fact that he is gay.”
Betsy looked like she wanted to say something else but Andrew beat her to it.
“Sexuality isn’t black and white, you know,” Andrew said evenly. He wasn’t angry, Aaron noticed, but it almost felt…determined. As if he was really trying to make Aaron understand, like it was important to Andrew for Aaron to get it. “He doesn’t swing, being with me doesn’t change that.”
Aaron faltered momentarily at how confidently he referred to them being together , but recovered quickly.
“That doesn’t make any sense. Either you want to be in a relationship or you don’t. I’m learning to understand being gay more, but shouldn’t it just be one or the other?”
“Aaron, I think you need to open your mind a bit here,” Betsy suggested kindly. “There are many ways to be attracted to people, and it doesn’t always match up perfectly with being gay or straight. Some people like multiple genders, and there are also people who ‘don’t swing’ as Neil put it. For them, they can be romantically attracted to people without sex, or vice versa. Interested in sex but not romantic relationships. Straight and gay people generally have those line up but it doesn’t always.”
“So you’re saying that Neil isn’t interested in sex but has romantic feelings for you?” Aaron directed the question at Andrew but he was still looking at Betsy. “That doesn’t sound right, all of that started as a hook up.”
“There are more ways of being not attracted to people,” Andrew cut in. “It’s a spectrum. Some people are always into people, and others it’s a bit more complicated. Some people need to trust someone before they can develop any feelings. That’s how Neil is.”
“So you’re saying that Neil wasn’t interested in anyone until you because he trusts you,” Aaron said slowly, the dots starting to sort of fall into place.
“Yes. I kissed him, and after he asked if I was fully against being touched or if I just didn’t trust anyone enough. I told him it didn’t matter to a man who doesn’t swing, and he said he didn’t swing because he never trusted anyone enough to not be stabbed in the back for wanting them.”
“So, that’s it? Trusting you was all it took to change that? Suddenly he’s all for hooking up with and now… dating you?” A strange understanding was starting to click for him. It was strange, he had always liked girls. He wanted to date them, kiss them, hold them, but now that he’s thinking about it, the only one he actually wanted to have sex with was Katelyn. He turned to Betsy instead to ask his next question. “You said that some people aren’t interested in sex but still romance. How does that work? That doesn’t sound like a one or the other thing.”
“Sexuality is a spectrum. For Neil, I believe that he is closer to the other end of the spectrum for both instead of one. It is possible for someone to be interested in neither as well, while the trust means that he now feels those ways for Andrew.”
“So not feeling romantic and sexual attraction versus feeling both is the distinction between gay and…whatever Neil is. I guess that kind of makes sense. But how is it possible to feel one or the other?” Aaron realized that he was derailing from the initial discussion of Neil’s feelings and more towards a general discussion. It was strange to be talking about sexuality, especially with Andrew, when just a few months ago he was uncomfortable with the topic of anything other than being straight. Therapy really was making a difference for him.
“As I said, not everyone wants both. You can want to kiss and cuddle and hug without wanting anything sexual. They’re not mutually exclusive . It’s possible to not like it, or like it sometimes, or only with some people.”
“So you can date without wanting sex,” Aaron asked dumbly. He was being redundant, he was sure, driving the point home more and more. It was a strange feeling in his gut that spurred him on, something clicking into place that he’d wondered about for years.
“Is there a reason you’re asking so much about this?” Andrew asked. He sounded like he was just impatient for this conversation to end, but Aaron noticed the curiosity lying behind the mask.
“I think some things are making sense,” Aaron said quietly. “Back in high school, I didn’t want to have sex with my girlfriends. I wanted to date them and kiss them but I never wanted anything further, only doing things because they wanted to. That was only logical, right?”
“You were having sex with them, because they wanted to? When you didn’t?” Andrew’s tone was dark and it was starting to make sense why Andrew knew so much about this. He likely felt the need to research to make sure Neil was truly consenting and not just doing it because it was what Andrew wanted. Aaron didn’t know how he felt about that realization.
“Not really? I was physically into it but I just didn't really consider wanting that at all.” Aaron sighed and looked away from Andrew and Betsy. “It just wasn’t something I cared about. Kissing and cuddling was nice, but if we did nothing more I wouldn’t care. I never initiated, but I’d go along if they did. It wasn’t exciting, the way other boys talked about it. I just thought they were exaggerating.”
“How do you feel now?” Betsy asked softly. “Do you still feel that way?”
“Sort of, but not with Katelyn,” Aaron said and finally looked back at them. “I never wanted to, except with her. It was a while before we did anything besides kissing, it was after I’d really started to trust her.”
“It seems that you feel similarly for Katelyn that Neil does for Andrew,” Betsy said. Aaron saw the disgust on Andrew’s face, and knew it reflected his own.
“What’s funny is, I think that’s part of why I find Nicky’s jokes uncomfortable,” Aaron muttered thoughtfully. “He’d joke about Katelyn and I having sex, and it would make my skin crawl. Hearing him talk about wanting to have sex with Neil felt gross. His comments about his celebrity list having Kevin on it and about Matt’s dick. I can’t imagine feeling so strongly just about the physical appearance of someone.”
“What about the girls?” Andrew asked.
“They’re pretty, but I have never wanted to have sex with them,” Aaron said. “I think a lot of girls are pretty but that’s as far as the attraction goes most of the time.”
“What about guys?” Andrew raised an eyebrow in challenge. Aaron fought the knee jerk reaction of disgust to actually consider it.
“No, it’s just girls,” Aaron answered. “Never thought about a boy that way.”
“Boys suck,” Andrew said plainly. It startled a laugh out of Aaron.
“You’re dating one,” Aaron pointed out redundantly.
“He doesn’t count.” Andrew shrugged.
“Like how Neil said you don’t count about him not swinging?” Aaron raised an eyebrow.
“Exactly. Neil is excluded when I say men suck,” Andrew said easily. Aaron almost smiled. It was strange, seeing his brother so calm and speaking more freely. A year ago this would’ve been unimaginable, just the idea of having a joking conversation about whether Aaron is attracted to guys or not during therapy would’ve been ridiculous . But Neil fucking Josten wheedled his way into Andrew’s heart and somehow led to this.
This being getting along with his twin brother for the first time in their lives and finally coming to terms with who he is. Disgusting.
“If you think that you are curious, I can give you some pamphlets about sexuality so you can read up more on it,” Betsy offered. Aaron hesitated before nodding and accepting the pamphlet with a giant rainbow across the cover, quickly shoving it in the bottom of his bag. He’d rather die than have Nicky find it.
“Guess you and Neil have more in common than you want to.” Andrew stole more mini marshmallows to drop into his hot chocolate, taking a big gulp.
“Don’t say that,” Aaron grimaced. Betsy laughed a bit and both twins looked in her direction.
“If you don’t like the idea of having things in common with Neil,” Betsy smiled, but it seemed too mischievous for the usually sweet therapist. Aaron shouldn’t have been surprised, she couldn’t have been a normal sweet therapist and handled Andrew this long. “Should I not point out the similarities between Katelyn and Neil, from what you have told me and I have observed?”
“Fuck no,” Andrew and Aaron said simultaneously. For once, the irritation Aaron felt was matched by Andrew in equal measure.
“Bee,” Andrew warned, looking pained. “Don’t.”
“Okay, okay,” Betsy raised her hands in surrender. “I’ll save that for another time.”
“How about never?” Andrew deadpanned. Aaron burst into laughter. Andrew turned to him with a deadly serious look on his face. “We are never mentioning this outside of this room.”
“Deal?” Aaron offered lightly, holding a hand out to shake. Andrew rolled his eyes but to Aaron’s surprise, accepted the handshake.
“Deal.” Andrew agreed.