Work Text:
Natsuki: mochi
Natsuki: can i ask u smth
No emojis. That’s unnerving. I reply as quickly as I can.
Mochi: What’s up babe?
Natsuki: r there any changes u want in our relationship
Mochi: What do you mean?
Natsuki: yk
Natsuki: like
Natsuki: anythin that could make it better 4u
Natsuki: anything ur wanting 2 tell me…
Mochi: Um, no. Why?
Natsuki: no reason
Mochi: Nats
Mochi: Something is wrong, I’m not stupid.
Mochi: Please tell me what you’re thinking about.
Natsuki: ok so
Natsuki: im trying 2 believe u rite now
Natsuki: so pls tell me whats goin on w monika
My stomach drops. We had both agreed there was no interest between us, but I still feel guilty about how we’d woken up.
Though, obviously, she doesn’t know about that. She probably just means…
Mochi: Oh, the hugging?
Natsuki: ye
Mochi: It’s nothing major.
Mochi: She had a sort of crisis a couple days ago, because going through all her old memories is giving her flashbacks.
Mochi: I told her I’d help her get through it.
Natsuki: ur so sweet
I can tell that the tension isn’t defused.
Mochi: We don’t have any romantic intentions toward each other, I promise.
Mochi: We just kind of realized that we both miss Sayori, and we’re trying to be Sayori for each other.
Natsuki: whats that mean
Natsuki: be sayori
Mochi: You know, like, support each other when we’re down.
Natsuki: so like
Natsuki: friends
Mochi: Yeah?
Natsuki: best friends?
Mochi: Uhhh
Mochi: I guess friends that fill a special role.
Natsuki: why cant i fill that role
Mochi: I mean, you can, and you do!
Mochi: I trust you to help me when I’m down.
Mochi: But I’m not the one who needs the support right now.
Natsuki: would you come to me first?
Mochi: For most things, yes.
Natsuki: most things
Mochi: Yes
Mochi: I’d probably go to Monika if it were specifically stuff about Sayori.
Mochi: It’s no offense to you!
Mochi: We just have that experience in common.
Natsuki: i was her friend too
I clench my jaw. Why does it feel like I’m losing a game right now?
Mochi: Yes, but
Mochi: You know
Mochi: She was my childhood best friend. And she was basically Monika’s girlfriend.
Mochi: It’s like
I sigh.
Mochi: I’m sorry, I think I’m probably being insensitive right now.
Mochi: I don’t mean to diminish your relationship with Sayori.
I wait several minutes for a reply.
I try to add on to my apology, but I’m hit with an error message. My text could not be received.
What’s going on?
I try to send a few more messages, but get the same error. Did she block me?
I don’t understand why this is happening. I get that she’s probably upset at the thought of me dating Monika, but I already cleared up that I wasn’t interested in her.
What should I have said?
I flop down onto my bed, thinking it over.
I said something that I thought was nice, but that really hurt her in a way I can’t quite understand.
She’s sequestered herself off from me…
My heart leaps into my throat. I sit up in a cold sweat.
I need to check on her now. Before it’s too late.
…
My stomach is threatening to explode.
It took a nauseating amount of time for the bus to arrive at the stop, and still longer to ride all the way to Natsuki’s apartment.
If she had made the decision right as she blocked me, there would be no way I could get there in time.
Now, as I sprint up the stairs two at a time to reach her apartment, I feel tears stinging on my face.
I can see her in my mind’s eye. Hanging.
I stumble to a stop in front of her door and knock urgently.
No answer.
Mochi: “No, no, no…”
I knock again, more insistently. My pounding only stops when I hear her voice.
Natsuki: “Go away!”
Oh, thank goodness, she’s alive.
Dread and tension drain out of me so quickly that I feel dizzy. I lean against the brick wall next to the door.
Mochi: “Natsuki, it’s me.”
Natsuki: “Leave me alone!”
Her inflection is wild and extreme, like her voice is being physically ripped out of her throat.
Mochi: “Why? I don’t even know what I did!”
Natsuki: “Oh, you’re upset? Why don’t you go tell Monika about it instead of wasting your time with me?”
I drop my head into my hands. Is that what this is about?
Mochi: “Because you’re having a problem and I want to help you through it!”
Mochi: “I don’t know what you must be feeling… but I’ll do anything to make it better.”
God, this feels too familiar…
Natsuki: “Don’t bother! Just get it over with and leave me already!”
Natsuki: “You’re just hurting me more if you keep lying!”
Mochi: “I’m not lying! I want to be with you!”
Natsuki: “Shut UP!!!”
I’m startled back by a loud, dull impact against the door. I can hear Natsuki’s breathing, heavy and punctuated by sobs.
Mochi: “Natsuki… this isn’t you. I don’t understand.”
There’s a pause before she responds. Some of the edge has left her voice.
Natsuki: “This is me, though. I’ve just been hiding it to trick you into liking me.”
Mochi: “Don’t say that. That’s terrible.”
Natsuki: “But I’m terrible.”
Mochi: “No you’re not. You’re wonderful.”
Mochi: “I love you, Natsuki. I have fun every time we hang out. I’d never…”
I’m slowly interrupted by a despondent wailing from the other side of the door.
It starts as a low groan, then expands as if to resonate out of her entire body. She screams her voice ragged, and there’s another thump at the door, before she falls silent.
I wait for a couple seconds, to see if she has anything to follow up with.
Mochi: “...Natsuki?”
Natsuki: “Go away.”
There’s no more venom to her voice.
Mochi: “I don’t want to.”
Mochi: “I’m going to stay right here until you’re not sad anymore.”
Silence. My anxiety spikes.
Mochi: “Natsuki?”
She grunts petulantly, barely audible through the door.
Mochi: “Well…”
Mochi: “I really love the time we spend together.”
Mochi: “It kinda feels like you’re embarrassed to be hanging out with me so much, but, like, I’m used to spending pretty much every day with my best friend.”
Mochi: “And, since you’re my girlfriend, I consider you my new best friend.”
Mochi: “So, honestly, we should be hanging out even more.”
I pause, seeing if she has anything to say. She doesn’t.
Mochi: “I’m also, uh, really sorry for what I said earlier. About our relationships with Sayori.”
Mochi: “I guess it must have sounded like I was saying you weren’t good enough, or that I was gonna replace you, or something…”
Mochi: “I’d never do that.”
Mochi: “You’ll always be good enough.”
Another pause, shorter, as I’m no longer expecting her to answer.
Mochi: “The Sayori stuff is all old stuff. It’s memories.”
Mochi: “She was what was in my life before. And she’ll always be important to me.”
Mochi: “But I don’t think any part of my life is nearly as important as right now.”
Mochi: “And right now, the most important person in my life is you. And memories and nostalgia aren’t going to change that.”
I hear her crying.
Mochi: “Natsuki…”
Mochi: “Can you please open the door?”
Her breathing is unsteady, and even her whimpering little breaths sound hoarse from how thoroughly she’s strained her vocal cords.
Mochi: “I love you.”
Mochi: “And I want to help you feel better from whatever it is you’re fighting.”
Mochi: “Please open the door.”
I wait for a little while longer.
I hear the shuffling sounds of Natsuki slowly standing up.
Then, the door opens.
…
Natsuki seems to have no energy left as she sits down on her bedroll.
I sit with her, gently holding her by her shoulder. She sobs softly, her knees curled against her chest.
Natsuki: “I’m sorry…”
Her voice rattles softly, completely strained from earlier. Her face is wet with tears, so much so that they’ve rinsed away the streaks of her mascara and left behind faint black wisps.
I reach out and gently wipe her cheek with the backs of my fingers.
Mochi: “It’s okay.”
Natsuki looks up at me pitifully.
Natsuki: “You still love me?”
Mochi: “Of course I do.”
I lean in and kiss her cheek.
Natsuki: “I’m so sorry…”
Natsuki: “I thought you were going to leave.”
Mochi: “Why?”
Natsuki: “‘Cause that’s what always happens.”
Natsuki: “Everyone I love just gets mad at me and leaves eventually.”
Her words hit like an arrow to my chest.
Mochi: “I would never do that.”
Natsuki: “You wouldn’t?”
Mochi: “No.”
Mochi: “You’re just assuming it’ll keep happening, and turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
Mochi: “But I’m not gonna let that happen again.”
Mochi: “You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”
She giggles hollowly at that.
Natsuki: “You’re nice to me…”
Mochi: “Because I love you, silly.”
I’m not sure what’s gotten into me, but I crawl over the bedroll to her front and peck her on the lips. She doesn’t seem upset, though.
Mochi: “You getting the wrong message and getting upset doesn’t change that.”
I punctuate that statement with another kiss. This time, she reciprocates, seeming to cheer up.
Natsuki: “You’re sure? I mean, I said some really mean things…”
I push my lips against hers again, partially to keep her from continuing to disparage herself. This time, when our lips part, I hardly move back, keeping our noses nearly touching.
Mochi: “You thought I was doing a really mean thing.”
Mochi: “This whole deal probably hurt you more than it hurt me.”
I don’t want her to keep worrying, so I don’t factor in my initial scare. I’m so glad she’s okay.
Natsuki: “Why are you such a big dumb sweetheart…?”
She follows that up by closing the distance between our lips again, initiating the kiss from her end this time.
Mochi: “I guess you bring out the good in me.”
Kiss.
Natsuki: “You doof.”
Kiss.
Mochi: “Goober.”
Kiss.
Kiss.
We stop talking. Her arms drape over my shoulders, and my hand cups her still-damp cheek. Little sparks, rushes of electricity, fizzle behind my lips and along the surface of my tongue.
Her lips are so soft.
The taste of her lipstick is fleeting and unidentifiable, not so much a flavor as a feeling of waxiness. I get a hint of something like lavender, and I chase it.
I pull back just slightly for a breath, and Natsuki surprises me by cramming her hand against the back of my head. Evidently, she’s not ready to be done.
I drop my hips to the side, and she responds by turning so that we can both lay on the mattress. Our faces are never more than a couple of inches apart as we move.
I hold her by her waist, and she me by my shoulders, and we make out.
…
Kiss, kiss.
Kiss.
Suddenly, she starts giggling.
I do, too.
There are all kinds of endorphins running through our systems right now. We’ve been making out for what feels like hours. My head is spinning. I feel high.
We rub our lips together a bit more, but neither of us can stop grinning and giggling like lunatics.
Instead, we just rest our foreheads together, and I stroke her hair. It feels so soft and smooth.
Mochi: “I’m so glad I have you.”
Natsuki giggles.
Natsuki: “Dorkasaur. Me too.”
She laughs a little harder.
Mochi: “What?”
Natsuki: “Your breath stinks.”
Mochi: “Oh, come on!”
We both laugh senselessly at the comment.
…
My hand strokes Natsuki’s hair as we watch an old anime from the early 2000’s. It’s something she grew up watching, and returns to for comfort whenever she’s feeling down.
She’s tucked herself under my arm, with her head resting against the side of my shoulder and her legs curled against her chest.
Our giggle-fit has mostly subsided, but the show is pretty funny, and it’s easy to laugh with her.
…
I’m not sure where the time went, but I’ve spent the whole evening with Natsuki in her apartment.
On one hand, it felt like the least I could do to cheer her up…
But on the other hand, I really just love being with her and spending time together.
She’s so much fun.
Natsuki: “Shouldn’t you be going home soon?”
I don’t want this to end, I don’t think.
Mochi: “Well…”
Mochi: “My parents don’t mind that much if I’m out overnight. I can just text them and tell them I’m sleeping over.”
Natsuki blushes, crossing her arms tightly and hugging her elbows.
Natsuki: “Yeah, but…”
Natsuki: “I dunno, I’ve already taken up a lot of your time and energy today…”
I boop her on the nose.
Mochi: “Nuh-uh.”
Natsuki: “Gwuh?!”
She’s so flustered by that gesture.
Mochi: “Nats.”
Natsuki: “What?!”
Mochi: “You wanna know something you can help me with that Monika will never be able to do?”
She seems hesitant.
Natsuki: “Yeah?”
Mochi: “Well…”
Mochi: “When Sayori and I were in grade school, we slept over a lot of the time.”
Mochi: “And we just shared my bed, ‘cause it was pretty big…”
Mochi: “But, you know, Sayori’s a cuddler, so we’d end up sleeping holding on to each other.”
Mochi: “And I feel like I’ve really been… missing that.”
Mochi: “Sleeping with someone.”
I need to make sure I say this as decisively as I can.
Mochi: “You’re the only person I’d ever consider doing that with.”
A pang of guilt. That feels like a lie, considering what happened with Monika, but… again, that wasn’t my conscious mind making a decision.
This is.
I want to sleep with her.
Mochi: “So… if you don’t mind… could you do me a favor and let me sleep over tonight?”
Natsuki pushes her knuckles into her cheek to try and hide a blush.
Natsuki: “Ugh, so saccharine…”
Natsuki: “Yeah, I can do that, Moch.”
She leans in to peck me on the lips.
Natsuki: “Thanks.”
…
We settle into her bedroll with our arms around each other’s bodies. Natsuki’s face fits comfortably into the space where my neck meets my collarbone.
She’s a little ball of warmth.
I hold her tight, and doze off.
I sleep the best I’ve slept in years.