Work Text:
The sun had risen high in the sky by the time Tubbo got up. Blue prints were scattered across his desk. Most of them for the nukes. He rubbed at his eyes and glanced over at the clock.
It was almost after noon. Ranboo was out yesterday with Technoblade and Philza again. Tubbo didn’t particularly like them. Of course, they didn’t like him either. He didn’t blame them for it.
Tubbo gathered up all the papers and spread them out. He stood up, ignoring the way his bones seemed to ache. The pain that dug deep into his skin never seemed to go away.
His scars were itching again. The same way they did when Tubbo was thinking too much. He really should stop doing that. It was a stupid habit. Brushing off his jacket, he grabbed a couple blueprints to take with him.
Stomping through the snow, Tubbo headed to the mansion. He watched his breath in the cold air. Hitting the door with his elbow, he managed to open it.
He relished in the way the warmth of the house wrapped around him. Tubbo slipped his shoes off and wandered through the hallway. Turning the corner, he ran straight into Ranboo.
His vision swam for a second and the blueprints fell out of his hands. They sunk to the ground. Ranboo apologized anxiously. “I’m sorry- are you okay?” Tubbo nodded and smiled.
“Yeah, big man. I’m good. Lemme just get these.” He knelt down and picked up the blue prints. Ranboo’s tail was flicking behind him. Michael had snuck up to them.
He clung onto Tubbo’s arm, happily cheering. Ranboo stifled a laugh. Their eyes had a hint of worry in them but Tubbo chose not to notice. “He missed you, you know.”
Ranboo mumbled and his voice wavered slightly. Tubbo’s heart skipped a beat. He knew that he was hurting people by pushing them away all the time. It made him feel terribly guilty.
“Ah- I’m sorry, I know. Just lots of work.” Tubbo got up, and held Michael. Ranboo sighed heavily. “I worry about you. Will you tell me if something’s wrong?”
He clutched the blue prints tighter and set Michael down. “I will. Don’t worry. Now, it seems like it’s lunch time for Michael.” The zombie piglin jumped up and down. Ranboo chuckled. “Okay- okay.”
Tubbo took that as an opportunity to grab a pot. “Spagetti?” Ranboo shook his head in agreement many times. It was no secret that he loved spagetti. Filling the pot with water, Tubbo turned on the stove.
He could still feel eyes on him. Constantly, grinding into his head. ‘ They feel bad for you. They pity you.’ Tubbo shook the thoughts away focusing on making lunch. Eventually, the water boiled and he poured noodles into it.
Ranboo was sitting at the table with Michael. Tubbo looked at his own hands. They were scarred and shaky. ‘So ugly.’ He pulled his jacket down farther.
Tubbo didn’t feel like being reminded of how much of a monster he was. He knew what he was. A subservient, weak, and passive yes-man. It was quite pathetic. He’d do anything people told him to.
It was a fact that fear was one of the most effective motivations. Tubbo didn’t feel motivated at all. The noodles finishing cooking and Tubbo put them into bowls.
A small one for Michael and a larger one for Ranboo. He poured some tomato sauce on them and set them on the table. Ranboo thanked him but their eyes shot up to meet Tubbo’s.
“Are you not going to eat?” Tubbo felt his breathing come to a halt. He paused and shook his head forcing himself to talk. “No- I uh..have some blueprints to review.” Ranboo’s tail wrapped around his own leg. It was a nervous habit of theirs.
“Can’t you take a break?” Tubbo clenched his fist around the blueprint. Ranboo knew he was pushing it but they just wished Tubbo would stop. “Uhm…sorry but I’d rather just finish it all.”
The tension in the room was obvious. Tubbo could feel the heat flashing through his skin. He itched his scars. “I’m gonna-…yeah…” Turning on his heel, Tubbo walked to his room. He grabbed a pen and reviewed the design.
It seemed okay. Just not good enough. Tubbo had to protect the people he cared about. He didn’t have time for breaks. It had to be perfect, or it might cost lives. Just then, his communicator went off.
Tommy messaged him, something about meeting up tomorrow. Tubbo thought he might wither away before then. His muscles were tensed up as usual. It felt like an anchor was pulling him down.
Sometimes, Tubbo believed there was. It was slowly dragging him down until water caught up in his throat. He pushed the thought away. Tubbo typed back a message making an excuse about being busy.
He ran a hand down his face. The callouses on his hands felt scratchy. Tubbo wished he had soft hands. At some point, he did. But over the years all the pressure made his hands firm and cold.
The door opened with a creak. Tubbo looked up. Ranboo stared down at him. “Michael- it’s Michael’s bedtime.” Michael was being carried by Ranboo. He softly yawned. Tubbo forced himself up and followed behind Ranboo.
“Goodnight, Mikey. Love you…” He patted Michael on the head and turned the light off. Ranboo waited patiently in the hallway. Tubbo left Michael’s room and turned to Ranboo.
“I’m going to go back to the workplace- I finished the review so I probably have to test the new analysis-“ Ranboo cut him off. “Please stay, just for tonight?” Tubbo shut his mouth with a click. “…fine.” He muttered.
Ranboo smiled and his tail waving behind him. Tubbo’s ears went back, he didn’t want to stay. Because at night, all he could do was stare at the ceiling and think. Instead of the usual, working until he passed out. Tubbo was trying to forget his thoughts. Not this.
The shame had a constant grip on him. It was the sinking feeling. This was all his fault. Tubbo followed behind Ranboo to go to bed. He went as slowly as possible. The floor felt like quick sand. It was pulling him in.
They reached the bedroom and Tubbo just wanted to shrivel up and die. Ranboo was trying to make him feel better but Tubbo was a selfish jerk. He didn’t deserve to feel better anyway.
Ranboo turned around when Tubbo stopped. “You okay, Bee?” Tubbo nodded hesitantly. He didn’t know if he was or not. But that was fine. Tubbo could suck it up. Ranboo didn’t seem to believe him though.
“Sorry- yeah…I’m fine, Beloved.” Tubbo responded forcing himself to swallow the lump in his throat. ‘ Don’t be weak.’ Ranboo took his hands and knelt down. “You don’t seem too sure about that lately. Please….Tubbo, just this once. Talk to me.”
His scars itched. His hands were just twitching to do it. Tubbo needed to scratch at it. To make it go away. It needed to go away. The soft crackle and then boom filled his ears. Tubbo could still feel the burning colors. It could’ve been beautiful if it didn’t hurt so bad.
The worst part, is that Tubbo planned that festival. The decorations were his. Like a fucking party for his death. And he didn’t have the heart to say he didn’t deserve it. Schlatt had been clear on what he wanted. Tubbo just couldn’t do that right either. He couldn’t stand up straight enough or shut up enough.
Tubbo deserved to burn like the traitor he was. He couldn’t help but wonder why Ranboo cared so much. A person like Tubbo, a disgusting worthless person like Tubbo, didn’t deserve someone like Ranboo. He didn’t deserve to be loved or to feel like this.
Yet, he still had a family. That he didn’t deserve. Tubbo didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get over it and feel happy. He had so many reasons to be but he was stuck up on a couple bad memories. Tommy and Ranboo probably had thousands. Everyone else on the server had it so much worse than Tubbo.
But he couldn’t stop being so fucking selfish! He couldn’t get over it! He couldn’t be good enough! Tubbo just wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth anything. ‘ Get over it.’ The voices in his head screamed. He tried to listen but the grating static wouldn’t stop.
The burning was overwhelming and the anchor was finally pulling him underwater. Tubbo was sinking, he was drowning. He was going to die all over again. His ears had flattened against his head. Someone was saying something but Tubbo had his eyes shut. He dug his hands into his wrists where the scars were.
Since when did he shut his eyes? Tubbo opened them and everything was blurry. He reached a hand up to touch his face. It was wet…he was crying? Tubbo hadn’t remembered the last time he cried. Ranboo was the person talking.
He finally managed to make out some of it. “Tubbo- hey- hey…there we go. That’s good- just focus on me.” Ranboo took his hands trying to make Tubbo stop scratching. Instead, Tubbo pulled away. He curled in on himself and his shoulders shook. He sobbed. Tears dripped onto his jacket. Tubbo didn’t deserve to cry.
Ranboo wrapped their arms around Tubbo and pulled him into a hug. Rocking the two of them, Ranboo ran a hand through Tubbo’s hair. Tubbo clutched onto Ranboo like a lifeline. For a while, they just stood there. Eventually, Tubbo looked up and ever so quietly whisperd an apology. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, Boo. I promise I’ll-I’ll do better. I know I don’t deserve you but please don’t leave-“
Interrupting that thought, Ranboo disagreed immediately. “No- do not say that. You deserve me, you deserve so much. The world, Tubbo.” Shaking his head, Tubbo cried. “No! No I don’t- I’m a terrible person! I can’t do anything right- and I- I’m useless- and-“ Ranboo cupped his cheeks.
“Hey hey- that’s enough. Don’t say stuff like that. Tubbo, listen. You are not a terrible person. Sure, you’ve made mistakes but everyone does. I’d say you do lots of things right. And you are definitely not useless.” Tubbo shook his head again still crying. He gently pushed Ranboo’s hands away. “You’re gonna burn yourself….”
He held Tubbo in an embrace again instead. Petting his hair, Ranboo exhaled. “Please, let me help you. You deserve it, you deserve to be loved. I love you, Tubbo. Don’t you forget it.” Tubbo smiled a bit and scrubbed his tears away harshly. He hated crying. “I love you too…”
Ranboo grabbed onto Tubbo’s wrists. “Woah woah- gentle. You’re going to hurt yourself.” Tubbo nodded. “Sorry.” Ranboo rolled his eyes. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay. Now, you need some sleep. It’s late. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” Tubbo slinked under the blankets and yawned. Ranboo wrapped his arms around Tubbo.
Tubbo held onto Ranboo’s arms and dozed off pretty quickly. No nightmares plagued his sleep that night. In the morning, Ranboo scolded Tubbo kindly. Hoping he’d listen and stop beating himself up over the past. They ended up hugging again.
Things did get better. Tubbo learned that when he fell, people were there to catch him. Ranboo kept a close eye on him anyway. The duo were in things together and together they loved each other. Both of them deserved it.