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hikaru isn’t sure how to feel.
how could he feel anything coherent when his group is falling apart before his eyes?
things were hard enough already; scandals coming in left and right, constant berating from their staff to do better, to be the best.
they’d been trying to become the best, and it was finally beginning to work out. but then the manager came to them with news of survival shows.
and one by one, like puzzle pieces falling out of place, the members were chosen to be sent off.
hikaru wanted to stop it – wanted to emphazise how unnecessary it all was, how it’ll tear the group apart rather than help them – but he couldn’t.
all he could bear to say to their manager in that first meeting was, “why?”
and he still, to this day, had no good answer. so he was just meant to deal with it. feel normal about it, as if they’d always been 5, and their past year and half had all just been a mirage.
losing junwon was hard, and so was waiting for soul.
but now half of them?
hikaru could barely hold back his emotions when each member had cheered and celebrated at the news of their acceptance into the shows. was this what they wanted? did everything they had now not matter anymore?
but at the same time, he could feel the bittersweet tinge in the air. everything felt different, like one day, a switch was flipped that made everything the slighest bit… strange. like it was some sort of bad dream. but with each day that passed by, it became more clear that this was their reality now, and hikaru couldn't do anything to fix it.
minseo and hanbin giving each other knowing glances across the practice room the day their auditions were accepted. they smiled, but strangely, it never really reached their eyes. minseo was chipper, but also more anxious, spending even more time checking up on the members. hell, he even cleaned the dorm; something he never did. it was hard to get his attention while he did it. and hanbin wasn’t focused, either; vocals feeling weaker during practice, missing the timing in his dances, like he was preoccupied with the thoughts of “what happens next?
hikari and ling qi were excited to be going together, even making plans on where they’d go if they had to visit china for filming. but their spirits dampened whenever one of the other members would mention the show. it’s like their excitement was staged, scripted; although there wasn’t an audience. the audience was their own minds, and they were desperately playing a part to appeal to their own thoughts.
sungmin was a strange case. he was somehow more talkative and more quiet than usual, at the same time. hikaru didn’t like it; that wasn’t the sungmin he knew. it was like some other guy was playing a vague characterization of him. he wasn’t as affectionate as usual, either. he’d usually be all over hikaru when he got the chance, but ever since the news, he’d been weirdly chaste and quick with his touchiness.
and it hurt hikaru so badly. to see the state of things, to see how the others were dealing with it.
wooseok was still as cheerful as usual, but something about it felt off. like he was playing it up for cameras that weren’t even there. hikaru swears he saw wooseok crying in his room a few times, but each time he’d try and talk to him, wooseok would immediately put on a smile and wipe his tears, denying that anything was wrong.
hyeontae was oddly unfazed by everything. he’d give slight grimaces whenever their situation was brought up, but other than that, he seemed okay. but it was hard to tell if his “congratulations” to the other members were genuine or dread-filled. it seemed like he was just trying to distract himself, or to keep the group together.
it seemed like gyurae still hadn’t fully processed it all yet. he was the one who mentioned it the most, even though he wasn’t even going anywhere. constant questions of “when will you be back” that weren’t ever given a concrete answer, which always left gyurae with an unreadable glumness on his face. hikaru worried about him; it seemed to hit gyurae hard, just as hard as it did to him. he wanted to comfort him, to tell him it’d all be okay. but who’s he to know if it’ll really be okay?
kaedan had adopted an air of anxiety after the news. he’d been back home on break when the meeting first happened; they’d had to tell him through the kakaotalk group chat. when he came back, he still did all that was expected of him; went to practice, ate, practiced more, slept. but it’s like all his actions were on autopilot, and he wasn’t fully present in the moment. he didn’t question anything, though. it’s like he’d been through enough that he didn’t expect any better.
and they weren’t sure if soul even knew about anything that was happening.
hikaru couldn’t stop the constant chaos that his brain was facing. no matter how hard he tried to push the thoughts to the back of his head, they always came back.
they’ll be gone. who knows if they’ll be back? what if they debut? what will you do then?
even though he wasn’t the one going off to another show, he still felt immense pressure. the leader was leaving, their main vocalist was leaving, their lead rapper was leaving, their visual was leaving, their center was leaving.
leaving, leaving, leaving.
leaving them to fend for themselves; leaving hikaru to fend for himself. who knows what the company would make the remaining 5 of them do; if anything, they’d probably place the responsibilities of main vocal and leader onto him. and that made him even more stressed.
hikaru didn’t like to show a lot of emotion. it was his image, but also just how he was. he was ice-cold, gentle, calm. like a rock you could lean on. but with everything happening now, keeping that up was the least of his concern anymore.
he didn’t want to seem weak. but it was all becoming too much.
so as he lay in bed with sungmin, the day before he gets sent off to live in the starlight boys dorms, it takes a lot of effort to hold back tears.
sungmin was on his side beside hikaru, loosely holding onto his waist as his soft pajamas flowed off his thin figure. hikaru stroked the younger boy’s hair, not even thinking about it much, just out of habit.
“are you okay?” sungmin shifts his position to bring his face closer to hikaru’s, scanning his expression.
“yeah,” hikaru insists, waving him off.
“no you aren’t,” sungmin whines, “talk to me, hyung.”
and hikaru begins to cry. not a bursting-into-tears cry, but a soft, tears barely flowing cry. like it contained all the feelings he’d been bottling up for the past few weeks.
because that was the first time someone had checked in on how he felt.
sungmin was usually the only one who did that frequently. it was one of the reasons hikaru loved him.
“i…” hikaru mutters. but each word to come after that just comes out as a quiet sob.
sungmin immediately moves at the sight of hikaru crying, situating himself on hikaru’s lap so he could hug him tightly. “it’s okay.”
“it’s not,” hikaru chokes out, “what’s going to happen… to us?”
hikaru had meant fantasy boys.
but, at the same time, he was thinking about the two of them.
“i’ll be back,” sungmin reassures. but something about it doesn’t feel genuine.
“but you’re going there to debut, aren’t you?”
sungmin is quiet for a moment, “yeah, technically… but i want to be with you… guys, too. it’s weird.”
hikaru wasn’t one to tell sungmin how he should feel. so he accepted it.
“just…” hikaru trails off as he gets consumed by his tears once again.
he hates being like this, all vulnerable.
but sungmin holds him tighter, silently comforting him. and hikaru remembers that it’s alright, that it’s safe with sungmin.
after a moment, hikaru shakily continues. “promise me you’ll come back… someday?”
sungmin nods, and as he pulls back slightly, hikaru notices his lower lip begin to quiver as he responds, “as soon as i can, karu hyung.”
sungmin holds out his pinky to him.
hikaru takes it into his own, and they touch their thumbs together.
they stay like that for a minute, sungmin eventually reaching out his other hand to hold hikaru’s larger one, messily intertwining their fingers and eventually meeting each other’s eyes.
sungmin’s had started to well up.
“i’ll be back. okay?”
hikaru nods.
“make sure everyone’s okay. and call me everyday.”
hikaru nods again, more tears spilling from his eyes without a sound.
sungmin’s brows had furrowed together, lips forming a pout as a single tear fell down his cheek.
hikaru untangles their pinkies to bring a hand to sungmin’s face, wiping his tears as he grabs his chin gently.
“i love you,” hikaru whispers.
sungmin smiles, but he just starts to cry harder. “i love you more.”
in the spur of the moment, hikaru gives him a soft kiss on the lips.
because he wants to, because sungmin deserves one, because it might be the last one they share for a while.
and so they lay together, limbs intertwined and hands tangled in hair, crying and kissing and comforting and hurting.
and in that moment, hikaru feels an ominous sense of peace wash over him.
because although everything seems terrible – is terrible – it can’t be the end of the world.
it’ll all be okay.
maybe not today,
but eventually.