Chapter Text
Because sand is a rough thing, it can hurt you when you aren’t careful. The sand is all the stars that fell from the sky, all the stars that burnt out and died. They became grains of sand on the earth, the beach. Yet even after burning out and becoming a small, unimportant thing in the world that small thing can still hurt. The ocean can help but the water will sting the wounds, and of course the wounds take up your whole body. Wherever the sand sticks its rough self to your body there's a wound. Thousands of tiny wounds where all the thousand grains of sand reside on your body and the water softly washing over your feet. Washing away the sand but not washing the wounds. They bring you down, like weights. And when you walk into the water too deep you’ll fall off the sandbar. But when you have another person, like how Hifumi has Doppo, all the sudden the wounds dissipate, the sand stops sticking and instead the wind whips your clothes around spreading the salty air onto your body and sticking to your hair and the fabric of the clothes. Together they stare out at the water, hands together, intertwined. The red string of fate sewing them together eternally. Or so they think. Hifumi is merely a viewer in his own eyes in this dream. He can’t move or speak on his own, everything is automated. So when Doppo lets go of Hifumi’s hand and walks deeper and deeper into the water Hifumi can’t do anything but watch. The next thing he sees is Doppo sinking below the water, never resurfacing. He’s gone? He’s not sure. He can’t move to check, he can’t speak or scream or cry. Everything is numb. The wounds of the sand are back now that he lost Doppo to the ocean. The waves crash against Hifumi’s legs, the salty air sticks to his clothes and hair and that's the only thing he can see, feel or hear. He wakes up.
I woke up from a dream, a dream where Doppo had died a year from now. Sweat makes my hair stick to the back of my neck and forehead. Cold sweat. Can I even consider that a dream? Was it a nightmare? Surely, it will mean nothing. Because he and Doppo are happy with their life together, despite them both having their own issues yet they help each other because thats what they do. They care for each other so much, they love each other so much. It fills every fiber of their being. The feeling fills them whole and swallows them like the ocean waves swallow the air and the sand. They are both a grain of sand, and surely if one went missing they wouldn't care. Right?
I look at the clock, 06:30. The time I normally wake up, even though I set an alarm for 07:00.
The day was July 14th, 20XX. It was a normal summer day, and the routine was the same as it always was. Hifumi wakes up early, like always. He makes breakfast and cleans up any mess that may be in the apartment. Like always. Doppo wakes up past 10 on the weekends, like always. They eat breakfast together and chat, like always. They do something random to occupy the time, whether it be going out together or fishing with Jakurai or simply hanging out with Jakurai when he has the time. Like always. Always always always, each routine is the same yet the activities differ at times. But it's still the same, and honestly? Hifumi and Doppo are quite content with their routine.
“Hifumi. Would you sit at my grave and talk to me, bring me flowers, tell me you miss me, if I killed myself?”
I stare at him, confusion and concern take over my face. The chopsticks I was using to eat hit the plate with a clatter. Why this question? Is he okay? Why now?
“Doppo, are you okay?” my lips curl into a thin line of worry and concern.
“More than okay. I have you, Hifumi. I was just curious that’s all” Doppo says so casually like the question he just asked didn’t put the weight of the world onto Hifumi’s shoulders.
“I-Okay. Then I’ll answer if it's just a simple question” I breathe deeply in my nose and blow a steady stream of breath out through my mouth. My heart is pounding, like I am afraid to even answer. Doppo stares at me with a curious intent. “I would, yes. You are like my favorite person Doppomine, I don’t know what I would even do without you here with me. I’m full of so much love and care for you that it consumes me wholly sometimes, and if you were gone?” I look up at him “I’d lose the thing that helps me get up in the morning.” my shoulders relax, the weight is lifted yet my heart still feels so heavy. So full of worry and care and love. My heart is full of Doppo. Doppo Doppo Doppo, my every move is for him. My every thought is for him. Him, Him, Him. I love him.
“That’s nice to know. Another question for you Hifumi. How would you want to come back after death?” He sets his chopsticks down, continuing to speak again. Oh how I love his voice- “I think I would want to come back as something so bright and so beautiful, something that counteracts who I am now. Like a sunset. Hifumi, if I ever die I promise you the night of my death I will be back as the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen. The colors will blend together in the most abstract way and the sun will be so bright. So much brighter than I could ever be.” There's something poetic about that. I just hope that it will never come to that.
“That was beautiful Doppo.” I smile softly at him. “Thinking about it, I’m unsure what I’d like to come back as. Maybe a cat? I’m really not sure I have never thought about it before you asked.”
I feel almost pathetic for not being able to figure out a better response when he gave such a nice and beautiful answer. Then my dream, or maybe a nightmare comes back to me. “Actually-” I pause and set the chopsticks on my empty plate. “I’d come back as something ocean related. I think the metaphors you can use for it are so beautiful. The ocean itself is such a vast thing that there's endless possibilities for what I could be.” I’m happy with that answer, and Doppo also looks happy. Happy that I’d come back after death or that I answered I'm unsure. But I am just glad he looks happy.
“I think that suits you Hifumi. I really mean it.” and he smiles again, I practically melt at the sight. How can someone be so beautiful? I don’t know but surely Doppo has a secret to it.
I nod and smile as I stand up, picking up our plates and cleaning them in the kitchen sink. It’s a weekend so Doppo goes and occupies himself with watching something on the tv. I could care less about what we do, as long as I get to be with him. The plates are placed in a drying rack along with the other dishes I used to cook breakfast with before I untie my apron and hang it up. The apron was a gift from Doppo when we first moved in together all those years ago when we decided to move in together to be able to pay rent easier. I join Doppo on the couch and press into his shoulder, a signal for him to wrap his arm around me. Sometimes I would like to be so close to him, so close I want to feel his lungs and breathe with him, I want to be inside of him. I lose my train of thought by falling asleep on Doppo’s arm, resting in his embrace. Feeling safe, maybe now I won’t have a nightmare?
It’s the same beach. Except now it’s nighttime, and Doppo is back with Hifumi. They laugh together, beers stuck into the sand. Hifumi’s drunk, Doppo’s probably drunk, but who cares when they have each other. The red string is firmly around both of their wrists, no longer split in half from when Doppo went under the water. But that didn’t happen in this version, this dream they spent the whole day at the beach and they’re wrapping up the night as the moon rises and stars fill the sky. The same stars that make up the beach. Hifumi stands up, his feet planting in the sand C’mon Doppomine he whines Let’s go to the water again! And he’s running toward the water. Doppo sighs and follows him, the sand cold on his feet but this time the sand leaves no wounds. It only sticks into the grooves of the skin, uncomfortable but only a little bit. The waves crash over their feet as they stand on the shore and Hifumi picks up a rock next to his toe. This rock, he holds it up to Doppo’s eyes, a couple inches shorter than Hifumi’s eye level. This very rock symbols us. As long as it’s in the ocean, We will be together living a long and beautiful life. Hifumi kisses Doppo with passion, their lips colliding like the missing puzzle piece, how they piece together perfectly. They hold each other, Hifumi slightly dipping Doppo back as he leans into him. I love you Doppo Hifumi says with a giant smile, a smile that could light up the darkest of days because Izanami Hifumi is the epitome of the sun to Doppo. I love you too Hifumi. The rock is pressed into Doppo’s lips, Hifumi kisses the opposite side before grabbing it and throwing it into the vast ocean. I promise, Doppo, that as long as that rock exists we will be together forever. No matter what. Hifumi stares into Doppo’s eyes, they're like the stars to him. Doppo, of course, stares back, because even if they were the last people on earth they would still have each other. Together, they will be alright. Right?
Hifumi wakes up again. Yet this time, it’s not because it was a nightmare. He wakes up in Doppo’s bed, them cuddled together. So he just smiles, because surely this will last forever.