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Everyone knows what Groundhog Day is.
A day. Maybe a week. Over and over again, getting every little detail down until you find the trick to breaking it. It’s simple. Not easy, just simple.
What if it wasn’t a week and it wasn't quite the same?
What if you went your entire life, each time one inch to the left?
What if the entire universe was one inch to the left until it had moved so much that you barely recognized it?
She doesn’t know how long it’s been happening, only when she first remembered it.
Amy Winston is normal. Was normal. Normal parents and normal dog and normal problems. Until that amethyst necklace. Thirteen or sixteen or fourteen or seventeen or twelve, the age changes over and over again but it’s always on her birthday. That’s a constant. There’s a lot of those.
Like in every cycle she’ll wail over Granch’s corpse. And Child and Flaw will always come to Gemworld. And she never gets a happy ending.
The first time she became aware, it was a gift. Not the awareness. That was a side effect, a mistake. She was dying. She’d been so scared, sobbing for her parents, and Citrina had cupped her face and promised she would be okay. Citrina made her one with Gemworld's heart. That became a constant too. Amy Winston and Gemworld. One and the same. She'd lived through the plants and animals and people of Gemworld.
Then the world ended and restarted and she was a child on Earth again. She opened the box with the amethyst and was taken to Gemworld and defeated Opal and then gave up her life all over again. Child would’ve destroyed Gemworld. She became a Lord of Order and closed the dimension to him. She had to do it. The sun kept shining, the world kept turning, and she sat among the other Lords while watching her parents down below. She wished she could hold them. Tell them she was safe. But she couldn’t.
And then it all started again. She never remembered when it started, but each time the deja vu grew. And each time the world grew worse. Her mother stared at her like she was a stranger. Emmy took her place. Her father limped away from their house and towards another woman. She could feel everything slipping through her fingers. She screamed at Citrina in rage and begged with fear but the story kept going towards the same end, just a little darker this time.
Same end. Same beginning. Different middle.
Fourth. She begged Granch to not go after Dark Opal. Trust me please, don’t go, you won’t come back, please please please. The panic sat deeply in her gut though she couldn’t possibly explain why. When he died, she laid in bed for days flagellating herself. She could’ve saved him. She didn't know how but she could’ve. She should’ve.
Eighth. The blood on her hands wouldn’t wash away. She’s only thirteen, she isn’t ready, she isn’t their hero, she can’t do this. She can’t, she can’t, she can’t. They told her she’s helping save Gemworld. Opal needs to be defeated. It was war. She scrubbed at her hands until her own blood mixed with that of her enemies’ and didn’t stop until Turquoise was pulling her away.
Twentieth. She stood in the middle of the living room. Blood splattered the walls. Her parents’ faces weren’t even recognizable. On Gemworld, she granted no mercy. She sat among Flaw’s shattered pieces and barely breathed as the plants and earth enveloped her, making her one. There was nothing left on Earth for her.
Again. Citrina died in Granch’s place. It didn’t save Granch in the end. Again. Flaw smashed Topaz’s head into a wall. Amy stared at tiny bits of his brain. Again. She spent weeks in one of Opal’s cells. She never returned to Gemworld. She shook too much to even hold a sword. Again. She remembered everything. A part of her burned with shame when she shook hands with Child, but the other part relished in her anger. It’s not like this would matter in the end anyways. Again. The Gem banished her. She was too late. She could only stand in its ruins.
Again.
“M’lady?”
Amethyst brushes White Opal away. She stands on a hill looking out at Gemworld. The sun shines brightly upon sparkling rivers and iridescent trees. On the surface, Gemworld is a utopia. She can feel the flaws beneath it though, eating away at the planet. It used to be a utopia, once, so many universes ago.
Amethyst doesn't feel in the way she used to be able to anymore. Lords of Order aren’t granted that privilege. Too disorderly, too human. But a small part of her feels disgusted.
She wonders what it means to be one with something so rotten at the core.
She closes her eyes. Lords of Order shouldn’t feel tired, but she does. A deep, aching exhaustion. She remembers feeling it as Amy Winston. It grows worse every time, just like the universe.
The world will restart again soon. The horrific benefit of being a Lord of Order is the knowledge of what’s coming. She'll be Amy Winston, going through it all over again.
The Greeks believed that the world was in a downward spiral, each age worse than the last. How long until the world reaches rock bottom? How long until she can rest?
Maybe this time will be better. It's a hopeless wish. A stupid one. It won't be better. But at least she’ll have a few good years before it all comes tumbling down.