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It was strange how quickly a person could become desensitised to their surroundings. Spencer Reid never thought he would get used to the dim and sterile lighting of the prison cell hall, or the distant clanking of metal doors and card swipe beeping, but eventually they became something integrated in his mind, things that became a part of his reality without him fully realising it.
He didn’t think he would end up here, didn’t think he would ever find himself on the same side of the cell as the people he works against, but now in his isolation he couldn’t help but think that he isn’t much better than them. That may be along the way, they rubbed off on him until he became more monster than man.
He didn’t expect anyone to stay; not after what happened in Mexico. He knows how damning it looked, the amount of evidence stacked against him, he wouldn’t hold it against them if they move him to the back of their mind, only bringing him up as the ‘ co-worker that lost his mind ’. They had too much to lose if they tried to defend him. It doesn’t matter that he would kick tooth and nail for any of them, he doesn’t expect the same back.
He picked at the scab building up on his thigh, pausing it’s healing once again and closed his eyes as he thought about all the overwhelming things that have happened to him. He never had an issue with his memory, and it’s one of his biggest fears, so when there were blanks in his memory, he could argue that it was worse than being wrongfully arrested.
The worst part of it all, he thinks, is the connection that was fraying with them. Mostly on his own part, he will admit, after they travel so far during visitation and he refuses to show. He couldn’t let them see him like this, he isn’t even a shell of his old self, he is a completely different person. He couldn’t have them worry about him, he doesn’t think he could handle their caring looks. Looks he doesn’t deserve.
It doesn’t matter that he was manipulated and drugged, it was still his fault at the end of the day for going to Mexico.
Life became the same quickly and he stopped trying to distinguish Mondays from Tuesdays. Well, it should’ve been, until he went to meet up with his lawyer and saw three extra people then there should have been in the room.
—
Aaron Hotchner has seen a lot in his time not only as a Unit Chief, but also as a Lawyer. He has seen people succumb to the worst part of themselves, and he can’t stand to see Spencer like that. That’s why he nearly opted out of being one of the three to visit him. It was hard to get the prison onboard for even one private visitor, nevermind three. Still, with a bunch of convincing and push on their side, it was allowed.
He could see it in Spencer's eyes when he noticed them. He walked in originally with his head down, hands cuffed and it was only when he looked up and saw the abnormally did his face show emotion, a whole range of emotions flashed by quickly, too fast for Hotch to exactly put a finger on any of them.
He stood still, as if he was waiting for permission to move, as if it was a whole restraint trick on him. But it wasn’t, and Alex seemed to have given him that permission when she opened her hands towards him, which he was quick to collapse into. And just like that, a body of 6’1’’ crumbled right down into the hands of a 5’6’’ one. It was silent for a few minutes and Aaron hated to be the one to break it, but they have a time limit for how long they are allowed to be there and he doesn’t want to push their luck much further.
Aaron didn’t have to break the moment though, not when Morgan spoke up instead. “ Hey, pretty boy, ” he said in an attempt to make out some sort of normalcy in this situation, despite the light words though, Hotch could see the pain on Derek’s face. Spencer eventually left the hug, though he didn’t stray much from Alex’s side. Aaron has worked with Spencer long enough to read him, even though it has become so much harder now.
He could tell that Reid’s mind was racing ( as always ), trying to process why they were here, why they hadn't abandoned him. As if they would ever abandon him. Eventually he spoke up, voice raw as if he hasn’t spoken in days and Hotch isn’t sure if that’s too far from the truth. “ You shouldn’t be here. ” He glanced down at his hands, cuffs clinking against the metal table. His wrists were bruised, the evidence of his captivity painfully clear.
Hotch wasn’t really sure what he could say, because Spencer is right in his own wrong way. They shouldn’t be, it’s against protocol and guidelines. “ We are going to get you out of here, Spencer. Whatever it takes, ” he said with an arm on the younger’s shoulder, something he did a lot in Reid’s younger years in the BAU, and when the dim light shines right, Aaron can still see the young twenty-something year old there.
“ You can’t undo what happened. You all saw the evidence. It’s airtight. I’m–I’m... guilty. ” Spencer wasn’t really focusing on them, and his voice doesn’t even sound like his own. In a sick way, Aaron feels responsible for all of this. Maybe he should’ve told Gideon to calm down on their new agent and wait a few years, maybe he should’ve been a better support pillar, maybe he should’ve helped more.
“ You didn’t do this. We know that, man. ” Morgan once again cut in while Hotch was in his head. “ We know it’s wrong. This will be over soon. ” Derek was always more of a nihilist than an optimist, but maybe he is changing his views for their youngest member. Spencer’s heart hammered in his chest. His throat tightened as he fought back the tears that were threatening to spill. When was the last time he was spoken to as human ? When was the words he said listened to ?
“ They won’t even let me call my mother ” Spencer whispered, his voice cracking. He didn’t mean to say it, but the words slipped out, raw and unfiltered. He was unravelling, days of being nothing more than a number and a crime had him desperate to share all his secrets it seems, “ They wouldn’t let me call her, and now– now she probably thinks I’ve abandoned her too. ”
Of course, even after everything, his number one concern was Diane. Alex continued to rub her hand up and down his back, a sort of comfort he probably haven’t had in weeks. “ I’ve been in contact with her. She knows you didn’t abandon her, and she is being cared for. ” She reassured.
“ You are family, Reid. ” Hotch finally spoke up. His voice was steady, but tense in hopes not to let too much of the emotion beneath the surface show. “ We don’t abandon family. ” Spencer shook his head, his chest tightening. He didn’t know how to explain it to them—the guilt, the shame, the overwhelming sense that this was his fault. No matter what they said, no matter how much they believed in him, it didn’t change the fact that he was trapped in this hellhole because of his own mistakes.
“ I– I don’t. ” He squeezed his eyes shut, his face scrunching alongside the action. “ I don’t know how to get out of this, ” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “ I’m scared. ” The words hung in the air, heavy and suffocating. They could’ve guessed as much, anyone would be if they were in Reid’s situation, but still.
Derek was the first to move. He placed a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. “ I know you are ,” he said, his voice low and comforting. “ But you’re not alone. We’re going to fight this. We’re going to fight for you, no matter how long it takes. ” He repeated what Hotch said, wanting to make sure Spencer understood that.
The prisoner’s eyes darted from Derek to Alex to Hotch. They had more faith in him than he had in himself, looking at him with a sense of love that he convinced himself he had lost. “ We’re going to get you home. ” Blake said and the concept of home felt so foreign to Spencer now. But by the way Alex said it, it was like they still believed he had a place there in the BAU. Like they still believed he was part of something much bigger than this prison, this nightmare.