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“Momma, am I a monster?”
Hera pauses toweling off her six year old son after his bath as a shiver makes its way down her spine. She takes a deep breath and continues drying him off, trying not to show her momentary break in composure.
“Of course not, Jacen, why would you say that?”
Jacen chews on his lower lip, a habit he got from her, and then reaches up to his wet hair, to his little leks poking out from the top of his skull and then his little hands land on the patches of green on his overall tanned face.
“Everyone in the market stares at me. I don’t look like you, but I don’t look like Daddy either. Nobody else can use the Force either.” He says quietly, “There’s no one else who looks like me, Momma. Why am I so weird?”
Her hands shake as she rests the towel around his shoulders. He tucks it further around himself and sniffles.
Something she never anticipated when she learned she was going to be a mother was conversations like these. But she knew in her heart she had an answer because she believed it with every fiber of her being.
She holds Jacen’s little round face in the palms of her hands and uses her thumbs to swipe tears off of his cheeks.
“Jacen, you are not a monster. Everything about you is what makes you, you. Your lekku and your two different skin tones don’t make you weird, they make you unique. No, there aren’t many people like you, but that’s what’s so cool! You’re both me and your dad. You don’t look like either of us because you’re both of us and every day when I see you I can’t help but think how amazing it is that you do look like both of us. You’re a combination of who I am and who Daddy is. There’s no one like you because there’s only one me and one Dad.”
“But there are twi’leks who look like you and humans who like look like Daddy. They don’t have both like me.”
“That’s because you’re twi’lek and human. You’re not just one or the other, you’re the best of both! You have more than one identity.”
“But people don’t like that.”
Hera frowns, knowing that was definitely true, and he had hoped her son would have been older than six before he noticed.
“No, they don’t, but that’s because people don’t like what they don’t understand. Other twi’leks didn’t understand why I was with your dad because they thought all humans were bad to twi’leks, but that isn’t true. And people don’t understand you for a similar reason. You’re not what people expect to see when they see you because you aren’t just human or just twi’lek, you’re more than that, kiddo, and I think that’s so cool.”
“How can it be cool to not be like everyone else?”
“Because if everyone else is all the same what do they have that makes them…them? The Empire wanted to take that uniqueness and individuality from people. They wanted everyone to be the same and look the same, but it’s awful to not be your own person. To be different is to be free Jacen, and you’re the greatest example of what freedom is. Not only that, but you have two cultures that you can relate to, two ancestries—one of the thousands of years of the twi’lek people and one of the Jedi, Jacen! You have two planets that you’re from and call home! Why would you want to be like everyone else?”
Jacen’s eyes widen and he smiles a little. “I guess that’s cool. But I think it would also be nice if people didn’t stare at me, Momma.”
She finally got him to step into his pajamas and handed him his toothbrush.
“Well, I can understand that. But they’re mostly just curious. There will always be mean people, but most who look at you really do want to understand where you came from. They want to know why you’re so unique.”
She puts toothpaste on his brush and gets her own out to do the same. Hera watches the gears turn in his head as he brushes his teeth. He spits into the sink and looks up at her.
“What do the mean people think?”
Hera debated on whether or not to evade the question, but knew he wanted answers, just like his father always did.
“They usually think that your dad wasn’t good to me.”
“Why would they look at me and think that?” Jacen’s lower lip wobbles and Hera feels like she messed that answer up big time.
“Because human men haven’t always been very kind to twi’lek women. It’s a really long history of colonialism and the way the Empire treated and enslaved our people. They don’t understand that there are exceptions to everything. A group of bad humans doesn’t mean all humans are bad.”
She puts her toothbrush down and turns to look Jacen in the eyes.
“I loved your dad so much, Jacen, and he loved both of us beyond anything you could imagine. People aren’t always right, kiddo. Don’t let anyone tell you what they think, because you already know what you need to know.”
“And that’s that you and Daddy loved each other even if people think you didn’t?”
“That’s right.” She says adamantly.
“Do they think that humans and twi’leks can’t be in love?”
“Some think that. Some think we shouldn’t be allowed to love each other.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re different from one another. There are people out there—people who are wrong—who think you should only be allowed to love people who look like you.”
“Oh. I don’t like that.”
“Neither do I. Those aren’t the kinds of people we listen to. They’re hateful and mean.” She says calmly, “Are you done, kiddo?”
Jacen rinses his brush and wipes his mouth. He nods and looks at himself in the mirror.
“Momma, do you like the way I look?”
Her heart clenched, feeling a deep sadness at her son feeling so insecure at a young age simply because of who he was.
“I love the way you look. You’re the best parts of me and Daddy. Every time I look at you and I see your blue eyes and your fluffy hair, I think of him and I’m really happy.” She taps him on the nose and ruffles his hair, “At the same time, I love your lekku and that you have my skintone and my nose so no matter what, everyone knows you’re my baby.”
“Not a baby.”
“Even when you’re one hundred you’ll still be my baby. You’ll never get away from that.”
Jacen smiles, but pretends to pout a second later.
“Do you like how you look?” She asks curiously, a little afraid of the answer.
“I dunno. I wish I fit in more.” He shrugs, looks up at her and backtracks, “But it’s okay because I look like you and Daddy.”
“One day you’ll learn how cool it is to not be like everyone else. When you’re young you always look for ways to connect with people and make friends and a lot of that is based on how you look. But as you get older you’ll understand that things are boring when everyone is the same. There’s something really fun about not being like everyone else, just ask Aunt Sabine.”
Jacen’s eyes widened, “You’re right. She isn’t like other Mandalorians. She’s colorful.”
“And she’s proud to be different and colorful. She doesn’t want to be like everyone else because it’s her creativity that makes her cool.”
Jacen nods in understanding.
“Not enough people celebrate how amazing it is to be a little different, Jacen. You have something special that no one else has and while you think that alienates you now, it’ll be the best thing when you’re a little older.”
“I should be proud of myself then? Like you are proud of me? Like Aunt Sabine is proud to be herself?”
“Always, Jacen, you should always be proud of yourself and who you are. I am so proud of you and who you are and who you’ve already become. You’re smart and curious and brave, and I couldn’t have asked for a more incredible kid.”
Jacen finally beams and Hera leans down and gathers him into a hug. He wraps his arms around her neck and winds his legs around her torso. Hera laughs and holds onto him.
“Are you ready for bed?”
“No!” He grins.
“Ah, well I am. You know I’m always tired.”
“Why are you always tired, Momma?”
“Because I think too much.”
She presses a kiss to his forehead and shuts off the fresher light. She carries him down the corridor to his room—Kanan’s old room.
“Does thinking too much make everyone tired?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe.”
“But you know everything, Momma.”
“No, not quite. There’s stuff that I learn every single day.”
“Really? What kind of stuff?”
“Well, mostly I learn things about taking care of you. That’s not something moms automatically know how to do.”
“It’s not?”
“Nope, I had very little experience with kids before I had you.”
“Why?”
Hera chuckles, she loved how curious he was. He wanted to learn about everything.
“Because I was busy trying to fix the galaxy long before you came along.”
“How long is that, Momma?”
“Ohhh, a long time. Since I was seventeen years old. That was twelve years before you were born and eighteen years before this very moment.”
“That is a long time.”
“It certainly feels like it.”
“How did I get here?”
Hera set Jacen down on his bed and pulled the covers over him. She located his stuffed blurrg toy and tucked it into the crook of his arm. She chuckles at his question, not entirely knowing how to explain to her son how he came to be in the world.
“Well, it’s a very complicated process, but when Daddy and I decided we wanted a baby, we asked the Force and the Force said we could.”
“And then I was put into your belly?”
“Mhm, because that’s where the Force decided babies grow best.”
He tried so hard to see the logic and Hera knew that ability to think through things logically and determine if they make sense was all her. Jacen was analytical and detail oriented and he knew when something made sense and when it didn’t, but like this father he didn’t question the will of the Force.
The Force was usually her go-to cover-up when he wondered about how babies are made or other questions he wasn’t quite ready for, but until now she only had to use it once. That time Jacen had been confused when they met a pregnant woman at the market and he wasn’t quite sure what was happening.
“Mhm, how did you know how to make me?”
Hera chuckles a bit at the question. “What do you mean?”
“How do you make another person? How do you know what to do?”
“Oh, well, I suppose I didn’t know. My body sort of did it all for me. But I was hungry a lot and wanted to sleep a lot and it took nine whole months.”
“That’s a long time.” He says again, making her laugh.
“And that’s why you’re so perfect. I worked really hard to make sure you were.”
“So if you wanted another me you could ask the Force?”
“Well, no, firstly there’s only one of you and you’re irreplaceable, but if I wanted to give you a sibling I wouldn’t be able to.”
“Why not? What if I want a sister?”
Hera laughs softly, “I would need Daddy for that. It takes two people for the Force to decide to give them a baby.”
“But you said that some families only have one parent, like you?”
“Yes, families exist in all different sizes, but they always start as two.”
“Hmmm, okay.” He yawns, and Hera knows the question and answer session was shortly coming to an end.
“I love you so much, Jacen. From one end of the universe to the other.”
“I love you too, Momma. From one end of the universe to another!” He mumbles sleepily.
Hera gathers him in a tight hug and kisses his forehead. “Sleep well, Momma loves you.”
Jacen nods and his eyes close heavily. Hera stays until his breathing evens out and he’s fast asleep in his bunk. She looks out into the cabin—into the room that used to be Kanan’s.
“Daddy will watch over you, sweet dreams.”
She smooths some of his hair away from his face and kisses his forehead once more before heading out and getting herself ready for bed.