Chapter Text
“Woah, massive haul this year!” Bart exclaimed, dumping out his oversized pumpkin full of candy on the floor of the treehouse.
“Yeah, the neighbors sure were generous this year.” Lisa remarked, as she did the same, and dug through the candy and miniature chocolate bars laying on the ground. “Even Flanders gave out Kit Kats with his miniature Bibles!”
The Simpson kids had just gotten back from their annual trick-or-treating festivities, and had started their usual trading process. Maggie sucked on a Dum-Dum pop, while Bart and Lisa sized up the pieces of candy in their stash that were unwanted.
“Let’s see, you can have my butterfingers.” Bart said, as Lisa grabbed the couple of them out of his pile.
“Not a fan of 100 Grand.” Lisa said, separating out those bars from her pile and pushing them over to Bart. She promptly did the same with all of the SweetTarts, which she had eleven packages of. “You can have these too.”
“Pleasure’s all mine, chum…….p.” Bart added the extra syllable at the end when he took both the SweetTarts and a few packages of Starburst from her pile.
“Hey, Bart, I didn’t say you could have those!” Lisa snapped, as she snatched the couple of stolen Starbursts back.
“Well, candy’s all sorted for the year, I’d say it’s time for the annual stories.” Bart suggested. “This first one is a tale of horror in one of the most frightening places imaginable for Dad…work!”
“Man, these busy days are the worst!” Homer sneered, as he ate a powdered sugar donut, and sipped his coffee.
“Yeah, that Burns is a real taskmaster.” Lenny dissed. “Anyway, it’s your turn, Carl.”
Carl leaned down and picked up the dice on the Monopoly board on the table. He, Lenny, Homer and Charlie were all sitting in the break room, playing a rousing game of Monopoly.
“Ah, rats! That’s my third time in a row rolling doubles.” Carl lamented. “Guess it’s jail for me.”
The four of them all jumped when they heard a loud beeping noise, followed by Smithers speaking over the intercom.
“Attention employees. I need Lenny to report to Mr. Burns’s office immediately!” Smithers instructed.
“Uh oh.” Lenny said. “Do you think he knows we’ve taken an hour break to play this game of Monopoly?”
“Nah, Homer’s got that old surveillance tape cued up at double speed, so Mr. Burns should think we’re even more productive than usual.” Charlie remarked. “It’s gotta be something else.”
“I just hope it’s that raise I’ve been asking for.” Lenny remarked. “Anyway, don’t continue the game without me!”
“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll be plenty busy while you’re gone.” Homer said, as he grabbed one of the newspapers off the table, flipped to the comics section and began giggling in a high-pitched voice. “Hee-hee-hee! Charlie Brown just got a rock! Serves you right, you bald jerk!”
Homer, Carl and Charlie had shifted to playing a different game, Go Fish, whilst waiting for Lenny to return to Mr. Burns’s office. At long last, Lenny came back into the break room, wearing a disgruntled look on his face.
“So, how’d it go with Burns?” Carl asked.
Lenny scowled in response. “That old geezer just fired me!”
“He can’t do that!” Homer said, as the cheerful look on his face turned to a frustrated sneer.
“Yeah, what reason did he give?” Charlie asked.
“That’s the most infuriating part, he didn’t give me a reason! He just said ‘we’re moving in a different direction’ and said they didn’t need me here anymore!” Lenny explained.
“That’s awful!” Homer exclaimed. “By the way, it’s your turn in Monopoly.”
“Forget the damn Monopoly game! Just finish on your own, I’m outta here.” Lenny replied disgruntledly.
“Ohh!” Homer groaned. I was one turn away from giving Lenny the most major whoopin’ of his life…”
Homer stopped talking when he saw Carl and Charlie giving him dirty looks. “I mean, so sorry for what happened, Lenny!”
The next morning, Homer was leaning towards the latter part of the phrase “working hard or hardly working.” He set down the plastic cup of lemonade he was sipping on, while distractedly watching his safety control panel in between reading the comics in the newspaper. Unfortunately for him, the newspaper proved to be so distracting that he didn’t notice the proximity of his foot to the cup of lemonade, and he kicked it over.
“Dammit!” Homer swore, as he accidentally spilled the cup of lemonade on the safety panel. “Well, I suppose I’ll have to do what I always do: let the problem sit while I go to the break room!”
As Homer headed a few doors down to the break room, he noticed a gathering, prompting him to stop and join the others. He had to hold in a squeal of fright when he saw Smithers in the break room talking to Carl and Charlie, and someone else whom he didn’t recognize.
“Oh, hello Simpson.” Smithers greeted. “I’m just introducing the others to Bob, your new coworker.”
Homer was a bit surprised when he looked at Bob, who was a large pale man with brown hair. He wore a suit, and appeared to have a large gruesome gash down the side of his neck.
“Hey, Bob. Good to meet ya.” Carl greeted.
“Uh-huh.” Bob grunted.
Smithers chuckled in response. “Yep, one of the things Mr. Burns and I loved about Bob was how humble he was in his interview. Bob started yesterday, and I must say, he’s doing an excellent job so far. Oh, by the way, Charlie, you’re needed in Mr. Burns’s office.”
Charlie gulped, and began fidgeting with his hands. “Me?”
“Oh, don’t worry. It’ll just take a moment.” Smithers assured. “I’ll let the rest of you get to your offices for the day.”
Charlie nervously followed Smithers out of the break room. Homer and Carl initially acted as if they were heading back to their offices, but as soon as Smithers was out of sight, they sat down to their morning donuts and coffee. Bob quickly headed for the door, but Carl decided to be friendly to the new guy.
“Hey, Bob. If you want to sit down to some donuts, go ahead. A little tip, Burnsie doesn’t ever check on us this early.” Carl encouraged.
“Must work.” Bob replied in a monotone voice, as he quickly hurried out of the break room and back towards the direction that was apparently his office.
“Heh heh, Burns is gonna love that guy.” Homer laughed.
“That must be Lenny’s replacement.” Carl remarked. “Was it just me or did that guy seem a little…weird?”
“Eh, we’ve all got our quirks.” Homer shrugged, as he picked up a container of creamer, drizzled it on top of his donut and ate it.
At that moment, Charlie walked back in the room. His face looked like he was a nervous wreck.
“Hey, that was quick.” Carl remarked. “How’d it go?”
“I was fired.” Charlie admitted, hanging his head. “Same as Lenny, he didn’t even give a reason. He just said the plant’s moving in a different direction with my position.”
“Man, that’s rough, Charlie.” Carl provided his sympathy. “I’m sorry.”
“Eh, what are you gonna do?” Charlie sighed. “Well, I won’t be able to join in on a game this morning. I gotta go pack up my office. It’s been great working with you guys.”
“Geez, is it just me or is Burns getting meaner?” Homer asked.
“Nah, it’s not just you.” Carl said. “Don’t you remember how he put that Lunchtime Savings Time policy into effect, where we have to do an extra hour of work now, and we get our lunch hours back a year before retirement?”
“Oh yeah.” Homer recalled. “I don’t really follow that though. Nobody’s gonna turn my bologna back!”
Homer had just gotten home to find his family sitting down to his favorite thing: dinner. It was pouring rain outside so Homer was soaking wet, but he’d just freshly changed and came down to join the family at the table. Tonight’s meal was one of Homer’s favorites, spaghetti and meat sauce. The family were currently chowing down on the meal whilst going around the table and sharing about their days.
“And I finished off the day by doing a deep clean of the shower and my weekly dusting.” Marge recapped. “Anything big happen today at work, Homie?”
“Well, Charlie got fired, and Lenny got fired the day before.” Homer replied.
“Oh my! I wonder what Mr. Burns could be thinking. Are you worried for your job, Homie?” Marge replied nervously.
“Nah. Burns knows I’m a hard worker. I bust my butt for that job!” Homer proclaimed.
“I wonder who they’ll replace Lenny and Charlie with.” Marge remarked.
“Oh, they’ve already replaced Lenny with some really pale, monotone guy. Seems cool though.” Homer shrugged.
“What purpose would Mr. Burns have for firing two people and then immediately replacing one of them the next day?” Lisa asked. “It almost seems like it was planned. I wonder what Mr. Burns is up to.”
“Well, I did see Old Burnsie and Smithers down at the cemetery last night.” Bart shared.
“Bart, how did you see that?” Marge asked. “You were at Milhouse’s last night.”
“Yeah…well…Milhouse and his mom took me out for a walk. We happened to walk past the cemetery and I saw them.” Bart responded in a very awkward-sounding voice, clearly informing everyone that he’d been caught in a lie.
“Oh Bart, you’re not saying that Mr. Burns is digging up those new employees from the cemetery, are you?” Lisa replied in a worried voice.
“Well, I wouldn’t put it past him.” Bart responded. Lightning ominously struck outside, serving to ironically illustrate his point.
Homer was just walking from his car into the Nuclear Plant for the day. Just as he was pulling his keys out of his pocket, he stopped when he heard a familiar voice call out from behind him.
“Hey, wait up, Homer!” Carl urged, as he hurried to catch up with his friend.
“Hey Carl! Ready for another -” Homer promptly paused his non-work related comment when he saw Smithers and another man walk up to their side. “- productive day of hard work?”
“I’d like you two to meet another new employee, Jack. He’ll be taking Charlie’s office.” Smithers informed. “When we met Jack, we knew he was someone we had to hire. His drive to work is unparalleled!”
“Work is life. Life is work. Work is work.” Jack responded in the same monotone voice that Bob had. To gaze in his eyes was to stare into a void, as his eyes were completely vacant of any sort of emotion. Moreover, he was extremely pale and had a strange scar on his bottom lip.
“Anyway, we must be going. Jack has a big day of training ahead.” Smithers said, as Jack followed by his side.
Carl waited to respond until Smithers and the new employee were out of sight. “They already replaced Charlie’s position? It hasn’t even been 24 hours since they laid him off. How are they getting people this fast?”
“Bart was saying he saw Burns by the cemetery. Maybe that’s where the interviews are happening?” Homer wondered. “Burns is a pretty creepy guy.”
“I hate to say it, Homer, but those two new employees don’t look human.” Carl replied.
“Yeah. You’d get more emotion out of staring at paint dry than looking at those two guys.” Homer chuckled.
“This is kinda crazy, but what do you say we follow Burns after work tonight, and see if he’s really going to the cemetery?” Carl asked.
“I don’t know…seems like it could be dangerous.” Homer hesitated, as he walked in the building and held the door open for Carl. Once they got in the hallway, the two employees quickly found their way to the break room for their pre-work donuts.
“Well, we’ve gotta do something. Either one of us could lose our jobs next!” Carl urged.
“Me? Pfft. Nah.” Homer said. “I’m one of the hardest workers this plant has.”
“You literally watch videos of old political speeches just so you don’t have to work,” Carl said, pointing at the screen Homer was currently watching, which was showing a Richard Nixon speech.
“I am not a crook.” Richard Nixon said on the TV.
“Heh heh heh.” Homer chuckled. “And nobody challenged him ever again.”
Carl rolled his eyes. “Well, whether you’re coming or not, I’m checking out what Burns is up to tonight.”
“It is also essential that we not be so distracted by events such as this that we neglect the vital work before us.” Nixon said on the television set.
“Nixon’s right! We can’t be distracted when it comes to work!” Homer triumphantly announced. “I’ll help you check out that cemetery tonight, and save our jobs!”
Homer and Carl were parked a few blocks away from Burns’s manor, waiting in Homer’s vehicle to see if Burns would come out of his garage. Homer was sitting in the drivers’ seat, whilst Carl sat beside him in the passenger seat.
“Oh man.” Homer whined. “I knew this was gonna be a long stake-out, I would’ve brought some steak!”
“Wait a minute, there’s Burns!” Carl pointed to his boss’s red old-timey automobile, which was just pulling out of the garage. “Duck down, we don’t want Burns seeing us!”
Homer did as Carl instructed, while Smithers drove Mr. Burns out of his driveway and onto the main road. Once they were a safe distance away, Carl lifted his head back up from its ducked position. “Alright, Homer, I think it’s safe to follow them.”
“Agreed.” Homer said, as he began flooring it and hurtling towards Mr. Burns’s car at high speed.
“No, Homer! We don’t want them to know we’re following them!” Carl facepalmed.
“Oh, right.” Homer said, slowing significantly down again to maintain his distance.
Meanwhile, in Burns’s car, Burns noticed the purple car which had flown out of nowhere to catch up with them. “Smithers, that driver looked like he was going to hit us! Why is he driving so erratically?”
“Your guess is as good as mine, sir.” Smithers shrugged.
“Ah, these young people don’t know how to drive anymore. It’s like they get their license out of a cereal box.” Burns dissed.
Back in Homer’s car, Homer tried to maintain many car lengths of distance so that Burns didn’t suspect anything. Burns turned the corner onto a main street, but Homer tried to remain inconspicuous and didn’t turn until the last minute. Once he reached the intersection, at the last possible moment, he swerved the car left to make the turn. In the process, he had nearly cut another person off.
“Stupid jerk!” the guy shouted out his window.
“Homer, what are you doing?” Carl asked in disbelief.
“I’m trying to look inconspicuous. Burns will never suspect we’re following him if I make it look like I didn’t decide to turn until the last moment.” Homer responded, rubbing his hands together connivingly. “The perfect crime!”
“Just drive normal, please. It’ll look more suspicious to Burns if you drive like a moron!” Carl snapped.
“Fine, but driving normal is no fun.” Homer sighed, as his eyes gazed upon a large farm with a sign reading ‘Grandpa Pappy’s Pumpkin Picking.’ Homer immediately swerved to the right to make the turn into the farm’s driveway, cutting another person off. “Ooh, we should go to the pumpkin patch!”
“Homer!” Carl scolded.
“Sorry.” Homer whined.
In a matter of minutes, Carl and Homer arrived at their destination, parking on the opposite side of the cemetery to avoid suspicion. The cemetery was incredibly eerie at night, particularly due to a dense fog completely enveloping the place. The two had chosen to park behind the mausoleum, so they could have a good vantage point for spying on Burns without him seeing. Carl and Homer got out of their car and stood near two large stone statues behind the mausoleum, which appeared to be gargoyle-ish in nature.
“This is the perfect plan. Why bother paying living workers when you can get just as much done by having the dead do the work for you?” Mr. Burns hissed. “Alright Smithers, get started on digging up another corpse. We’ll need to reanimate another worker to replace Debra in accounting.”
“You were right, Homer!” Carl whispered. “He’s replacing us with zombies!”
“Zombies?!?” Homer exclaimed in terror.
“Smithers, what was that?” Burns called out. “I just heard someone yelling.”
“What were you thinking?” Carl whispered in disgust. “Now we’ve gotta find a place to hide.”
“What about the mausoleum?” Homer asked.
“I don’t know sir, but it sounded like it came from over there. I’ll take a look.” Smithers offered.
“I don’t think we have a choice.” Carl whispered. “C’mon, slip in the front of that mausoleum before they see us.”
Smithers and Burns thankfully chose to look around the other side of the mausoleum, allowing Carl and Homer to slip in the front door unseen. Carl quietly shut the door to the mausoleum once they were both in, desperately hoping not to be heard.
“Woah! Look at all this stuff.” Carl gasped. In addition to the normal tombs and statues, there were several jars with brains in some sort of fluid sitting on a table, as well as several dozen strange looking microchips.
“This is so disgusting that I want to dump this lemonade out in terror!” Homer said, revealing he’d brought a plastic cup of lemonade into the mausoleum with him.
“Why’d you even bring that in here?” Carl wondered.
“I was thirsty.” Homer plainly replied. “What do you think Burns is doing with all this?”
“Clearly, the brains are to feed the zombies, but I don’t know what the microchip is.” Carl responded.
Homer’s jaw dropped in shock when he glanced behind himself. Right before his very eyes, there was a gigantic ray gun type machine with a metal platform at the bottom, presumably for the subject to stand on.
“So this must be how Burns is getting those corpses to life.” Carl hypothesized. He opened his mouth to say something else, but his comment was cut short by the door to the mausoleum creaking open.
“Quick, hide!” Homer whispered, as he frantically looked to find somewhere out of sight. Both his and Carl’s eyes gazed upon the space behind Burns’s machine, prompting the two friends to both scramble to hide behind it.
“Find somewhere else to hide, Homer! You’re too fat!” Carl snapped, as he realized both of them couldn’t hide behind the machine without being seen.
“Who dares desecrate the Burns Mausoleum?” Burns yelled as he opened the door.
Unfortunately for them, Homer and Carl were still struggling with trying to fit behind the machine, causing Burns to instantly notice Homer.
“Oh, so it’s you!” Burns exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”
“Alright, you’ve got us!” Homer admitted. “We’re trying to stop your reign of terror, Mr. Burns! You can’t create zombies to work for you and fire all your living employees!
“That’s where you’re wrong, my good chum.” Mr. Burns replied. “Smithers, have you finished digging up our latest corpse…I mean, worker?”
“Yes, indeed, sir.” Smithers said with a strained voice, as he carried the heavy corpse into the mausoleum. Burns’s most recent victim appeared to be a slender man with a white beard and white hair.
“Excellent! Those chips you see there on the table? It allows me to control the zombie and make its only drive to work! This corpse will do whatever I tell it to. Now, I suggest you leave, or I’ll have to turn my zombie loose upon you once he’s reanimated!” Burns threatened.
“You won’t get away with this, Burns!” Homer cried out, as he proceeded to press several buttons on the machine at the same time.
“Homer, what are you doing?” Carl yelled.
“Doing what I do best: being a terrible employee!” Homer announced, as he mashed down all of the buttons on the machine at once.
“No, don’t do that, you’ll break it!” Mr. Burns cried out.
“Okay, then I’ll just have to do this!” Homer exclaimed. For good measure, he dumped the plastic cup of lemonade he brought inside all over the machine.
“You oaf! You aren’t supposed to do that unless you want to break it!” Mr. Burns exclaimed.
Suddenly, the machine began to shoot out sparks of electricity. A strong electrical force began to manifest around the machine, until a loud bang could be heard, and the machine shut down.
“Dammit.” Burns cursed. “I really should have paid the extra $100 for the waterproof version.”
“Now that we’ve defeated you, we demand you give Lenny and Charlie their jobs back, or we’ll do something a lot worse!” Homer warned.
“What are you going to do? You’ve already ruined my plan, and to be frank, I’m far too stingy to invest in another one of those machines.” Burns admitted. “Besides, I hadn’t started the illegitimate firings yet. Charlie and Lenny were the two employees I fired for legitimate reasons! Charlie had been stealing office supplies from the plant for months now, and Lenny…well, I never liked Lenny. He always smelled!”
“So you mean those two zombies are our legitimate coworkers now?” Carl asked in shock.
Jack moved his pawn eleven spaces across the board. When he saw the space he landed on, he let out a groan of detestment.
“Park Place. How much I owe?” Jack asked.
“$1,500! You’re out of the game!” Homer exclaimed. “Woohoo! I won the bet! Now, I get all of your donuts for the week, and you have to fill out this safety report for Mr. Burns!”
“What time he want it on desk?” Jack inquired.
“5:00pm.” Homer replied, before quickly changing his mind. “No…actually, 4:00pm. I wanna look like a big shot who gets his work done early.”
“Yes, sir.” Jack said, as Homer handed him the instructions for the report.
“Woohoo! I love my new coworkers!” Homer exclaimed.