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“I like you,” he gave a crooked smile, glancing in her direction, “I don’t tell you that enough, do I?”
Her gaze tilted to the ground. “No, you do. More than you need to,” the look on her face said it all: he was annoying her again, “just, lay off for once. Stop being so needy.”
He bit back a comment about Needle. She was always a bit touchy about the subject of their new teammate. It wasn’t his business, she said, it was for official alliance members to discuss only.
Just an alternate, huh? He wondered when he’d grown to accept that role; when she first said he would just “be an alternate” for the alliance, he was rightfully annoyed. Somewhere along the line, though, he’d learned to shut his mouth and follow the “leader”. For what it was worth, Pencil seemed to like him more when he was submissive to her, and that seemed to be enough for him. The Pencil who’d made an enemy out of nearly everyone liked him. That made his heart flutter.
Maybe it’s wrong to say she liked him. When their eyes met, her face was cold and distant next to his bashful grin. It was easier to act like she was just shy and afraid to express her feelings. She’d warm up to him; she just had to. He was doing everything a good alternate would, wasn’t he? It didn’t make sense.
The longer they stood beside each other in silence, the more he ached to speak up. But that’d probably annoy her. If she wanted a conversation between them, she’d start it herself. She didn’t need him trying to take her role as leader; after all, he was just an alternate. It was probably good that he wasn’t a true member of the alliance. He didn’t have anything special going for him, nothing that would make him a valuable asset. So he was content with staying in the background, watching how great everybody else was. That made him happy—seeing how amazing his friends could be.
“Are you just gonna stand there?” Pencil’s voice broke him out of his thoughts, “Or are you gonna, I don’t know, talk to me? Just because you’re an alternate doesn’t mean you’re not an alliance-er. You’re just… ehh, a lesser one. Sometimes.”
That made him feel better. A lot better, actually. Pencil… saw him as an alliance member? Even if only a little bit, the thought excited him. But, of course, he couldn’t get carried away.
“Oh, uh, my bad,” he waved a hand apologetically, “I was just thinking! You know, about–”
“Bookkk, this isn’t about you! Gosh, do I need to demote you to,” she paused to think, “...uhhh, lesser-alternate? You’re lucky Ice Cube’s eliminated or I would’ve made you the lesser alternate to her.”
“M-My bad! That’s not what I…,” he cut himself off; he was just going to make this about himself again, “...it won’t happen again, I promise, Pencil! I take my role as a FreeSmarter very seriously!”
“Good,” her smile was sweet, too sweet, “I wouldn’t want you forgetting all about FreeSmart.”
Right. FreeSmart, the alliance… it had always been Pencil’s top priority. She made that clear to anyone who dared to try and interfere with the team; she’d also made sure that Book was keenly aware of FreeSmart’s priority over anything else, even any other team he was stuck in.
“Right,” he nodded, but his voice sounded a bit distracted. Once again, he was getting lost in thought. FreeSmart meant a lot to Pencil, didn’t it? He wondered why he couldn’t feel the same.
It was a great team, and he loved being part of it with his friends, but he always felt like he was going against himself for Pencil’s sake.
Maybe he should try and stand up for himself more. Was it really worth the small bits of approval Pencil gave when he–
“Oh, Book…,” she sighed, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling him closer–too close–to her, “you’re not upset about Pin, are you? You had to do it, for FreeSmart! For me, Book.”
But how could he resist? She really did make him feel cared for, being an alternate gave him a purpose, an identity for himself. And it felt so good to hear her praises, even if it meant turning a blind eye to his teammates during their times of need. Pencil was right: FreeSmart was important, he couldn’t be brushing it off like it. He had to do this… for her. It was the right thing, even if it felt wrong in the moment. If he was making a mistake, why was it so gratifying?
She spoke up again, “Now that Ruby’s gone, you could take her place!”
“Well, don’t you think it’s a bit soon?” He floundered, his cheeks burning as he tried to bite back a grin, “She just got out! We don’t need to replace her… do we?”
“That’s what you’re meant to do, Book! You’re an alternate! When one of the real members gets out, an alternate steps in,” her eyes narrowed, “unless you’re not ready to take on the responsibility? In that case, I really thought you cared more about FreeSmart. But, alas, I can’t force you to–”
“No, no! I’ll do it, Pencil, I wanna do my part! For FreeSmart! For– for you!”
That same sickeningly sweet smile came over Pencil’s face, a look of satisfaction washing over the previous bitter look, and she released his shoulder as she backed away from him.
This didn’t feel right, but, at the same time, his heart ached to be closer to Pencil; he yearned to do more for FreeSmart so she could look at him as more than just a lowly alternate.
“That’s what I thought! Welcome to the alliance, Book!” She spun around, grabbing his hand and yanking him forward until they were practically chest-to-chest. He was a fool to fall into her trap this easily, but his heart just wouldn’t listen to his brain. He couldn’t bring himself to snap at her and tell her to quit trying to control his value.
He couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than grip desperately onto her shoulders as she planted a kiss onto his lips, squeezing his eyes shut as he froze up. It wasn’t romantic, not at all, but she had him wrapped around her finger and she was well aware of it.
This was just the way their alliance worked, he told himself, this was natural and okay. He could tell it was a bitter lie from the empty feeling gnawing at his stomach once she pulled away.
He was a fool, and Pencil knew that; he was a fool, and that’s why she kept him around.