Chapter Text
"Don't look." Baekhyun reminded him.
Chanyeol nodded furiously and turned around, staring at the wall of his bedroom with butterflies in his stomach. Baekhyun was in his room for the first time in two years. He was more than nervous, he felt dejected just thinking about it. How had he gotten to this point? What had happened to their relationship and why hadn't he tried to fix it earlier?
As a kid, Baekhyun hadn't been shy at all, he'd been the loudest person Chanyeol knew, and together they'd made the kind of pair that drove adults up the wall. Baekhyun wasn't exactly quiet now, because Chanyeol saw him laughing and joking with his other friends at lunch a lot, and sometimes he couldn't contain his desire to go over and talk to him because it would be weird not to. But maybe it just meant that Baekhyun was quiet with him, and he didn't understand why. He didn't even know when they'd started hanging out with different groups of people, but he'd rationalised that it was a normal part of growing up in high school. There was still an unspoken lost thing between them, where somewhere between starting high school and now, Baekhyun had changed significantly. It had started with when he begun to pay attention to what other people thought. When he'd started caring for what people said about him. It didn't seem so extreme from the outside, he was just taking more notice of the kind of stuff he would laugh off before. Chanyeol hadn't really known what to do back then, so he'd continued to spend his days laughing, hoping that Baekhyun would fall back into their easy understanding that a giggle could cure anything. He hadn't.
Before Chanyeol could even figure out what caused it, Baekhyun had become someone new. He'd drawn into himself, reluctant to be the centre of attention in any way, disliking their reputation for people who lightened the atmosphere in any room, until eventually, Chanyeol felt like he had to be twice as loud to fill up all the space Baekhyun was leaving behind. At some point, he'd become so loud, it was as if Baekhyun had disappeared all together, and Chanyeol hadn't even heard him leave.
Prior to that, he remembered how Baekhyun had started being really private about himself and his body. Chanyeol could still recall the first time Baekhyun had made him turn around as he got changed at one of their sleepovers. It wasn't as if Chanyeol had a problem with it, it had just been unexpected after sharing everything with him for so long. It was just another thing that Baekhyun left unexplained, another thing that Chanyeol had brushed off, and was now trying so hard to finally understand.
"Okay, I'm done." Baekhyun said, and Chanyeol turned back around to find his friend dressed in a large black and white puppy onesie.
"Oh my gosh, Baek!" He floundered for a second, unsure how to react. "So cute!" He blurted, clapping his hands, surprised and pleased, a smile breaking over his face.
Baekhyun looked beyond uncomfortable, hiding his face, and putting one foot on top of the other as he stood there. "You just, you said we don't really have fun sleepovers anymore so I... I don't know, I just thought this might be fun? Kind of like it used to be? If I looked- funny-" He stumbled over his words and Chanyeol's smile faltered. "You know what, it was a dumb idea, I'll just change back, I mean, we're not kids anymore, right? Goodness, I don't know what came over me. I'll just change-"
Chanyeol crossed over to him, his hands a little frantic before he rested them on Baekhyun's shoulders tentatively. "Baek! I really like it, it was a great idea, seriously. I just wish you'd told me earlier because... The only onesie I have is from about three years ago and I'm about two foot taller."
He watched the smirk slowly form on Baekhyun's blotchy pink face and felt his heart lift. "You're wearing it." Baekhyun said firmly, suddenly looking no different from the mischievous little elf Chanyeol had known a few years back.
"Really? Aw, come on..." He fake-protested, just to get Baekhyun to start nudging him in the direction of his wardrobe with resolution. "Fine, fine!"
He undressed without a care, maybe wanting to show Baekhyun how comfortable he still felt around him and was a little disappointed as Baekhyun averted his own eyes without being prompted. Chanyeol only just managed to squeeze into his old giraffe onesie, and couldn't help chuckling at himself as his arms and legs poked out about four inches after the material ended.
The sound made Baekhyun turn around and pause before bursting out laughing. Chanyeol grinned widely, so glad that Baekhyun was being careless with him, even if it had taken so long and it was unlikely to last. He goofily flailed his limbs around a bit and made Baekhyun fall onto the bed, holding his stomach from intense giggling. Chanyeol jumped onto the bed after him, amused by the fact that Baekhyun's onesie swamped him, whilst Chanyeol's was like a second's skin.
He flopped down next to Baekhyun, grabbing him round the waist and forgetting himself as he squeezed him, suddenly feeling elated. It took him a second to realise Baekhyun had gone silent and tense in his arms, before he let go quickly.
Baekhyun's face and neck were flushed, and he wasn't sure if it was from the laughing or not. "Sorry." He said, sensing that he'd made Baekhyun uncomfortable again and cursing himself internally for spoiling the fun they'd been having.
Baekhyun shook his head. "It's nothing." But what was nothing? And then he got up gingerly, and crossed over to the other bed.
Chanyeol felt distinctly unhappy, and so pressured to make this a good time for Baekhyun because they hadn't hung out in so long. He worked not to let it show in his face. Baekhyun had finally given him another chance and he couldn't mess it up. "I was thinking we could catch up on some films?" Chanyeol attempted, watching Baekhyun pick at a fraying string on his sleeve as he sat cross-legged.
"Yeah. That sounds good." Baekhyun replied. Chanyeol nodded, standing up and then hesitating. Chanyeol had planned to play the film on his laptop, but if Baekhyun wanted his own space on the other side of the room, he wasn't sure how that would work out. He stumbled around for a moment.
"Just bring it here, Chanyeol." Baekhyun said finally, moving up to one side of his bed and making space for Chanyeol. Chanyeol thought about all the times Baekhyun had slept in that bed; it was supposed to be a temporary camp bed, but Baekhyun had started staying over so often when they were kids, that Chanyeol's parents had just left it there. Now it had been so long since Baekhyun had even come to visit, but Chanyeol still couldn't bring himself to put it away. It felt like finalising something he hadn't wanted to end in the first place.
Chanyeol placed the laptop between them as they made themselves comfortable with pillows and blankets and a distinct space between them. Chanyeol tried not to take it to heart. Baekhyun was just more reserved now, not as touchy as he'd once been, not as comfortable with Chanyeol's overly affectionate nature. Not as comfortable with Chanyeol in general.
They watched the film he'd picked in relative peace, it was a new Marvel movie and Baekhyun still laughed where Chanyeol expected him too, and still muttered under his breath when someone's choices annoyed him, so that was something. By the time the film ended, their bodies were leaning towards each other, even as Chanyeol pretended not to notice, reluctant to draw attention to it. All he wanted to do was grab Baekhyun's hand where it was resting on the bed, and ask him what he needed to do to go back to way they'd been before, he needed to know how to fix everything.
Baekhyun slumped down then, into the pillow that was dividing them and started humming along to the credits theme. Chanyeol was flooded with a wave of nostalgia. Baekhyun used to sing all the time, had been so excited to join the school choir at the very beginning; but Chanyeol hadn't heard him sing in years. He missed him, and his voice and everything about him, it was so surreal to have him back here again.
He decided to chance it, feeling desperate. "Sing something, Baek."
Baekhyun stopped humming, just laid there silently, eyes on the screen and mouth slightly open, and Chanyeol felt like punching himself in the face. Now what had he done? Baekhyun was never going to visit him again at this rate. He just didn't know what to do! He hated that something as small as this could make him feel so far away from his best friend, make him feel like he hardly knew him anymore. Both of them were quiet, the credits theme filling up all the space between them with something fake and sad. He suddenly felt so lonely, sitting here on this old bed watching films with his best friend - was he still? - and he knew he was stupidly grinding his teeth in frustration but he couldn't help it.
"Baekkie." He whispered, the endearment falling from his lips like water, and heard Baekhyun's quick intake of breath beside him. "Please." Chanyeol almost resented remembering a time before things were like this, didn't want to think about how much had changed between them, because he didn't even know how it had happened. "I don't know what to do." He heard his own voice as if someone else was saying the words and he was simply listening to the story unfold.
Baekhyun sat up then and Chanyeol jumped in surprise, wasn't sure if he could meet Baekhyun's eyes. Then his friend curled a hand around his elbow and linked their arms together. Chanyeol was shocked; it hit him suddenly how little Baekhyun touched him now, how much of their relationship consisted of Baekhyun reacting to Chanyeol and receiving from Chanyeol, and reluctantly enduring Chanyeol when he had to.
Things were so much worse than he'd thought and he was sure it was his fault, sure he'd hurt Baekhyun in some way and somehow pushed them apart like this. He choked back a sob, hand flying to his mouth to stop the broken little sound before it could come out, but they both heard it. Baekhyun's hand tightened around his upper arm and he resisted the urge he had to turn around and bury himself in Baekhyun's shoulder. When was the last time they'd hugged? He realised with a jolt that he couldn't even remember. They stared at the rolling credits, Chanyeol's eyes flicked over names without reading them.
"Chanyeol, I'm sorry." Baekhyun cleared his throat roughly. "I didn't- I haven't been thinking about how it would affect you, I'm so selfish, I'm sorry."
Chanyeol didn't know what he was talking about but he was scared to ask, to even speak, just grateful that Baekhyun was giving him something after all this time. He thought that maybe if he'd tried harder to understand earlier, back when it first started, maybe they wouldn't be like this. He was tense, seconds away from touching Baekhyun somehow, wanting to hug him so hard, and ask him where he'd been all this time, why he'd left, and why he didn't want Chanyeol to look at him anymore, or to hear him or touch him.
He didn't have to, because moments later, Baekhyun was pulling him round to face him, arranging them into a tentative hug, and he was stunned. "Baekhyun..." It was awkward and nothing like the hugs Chanyeol was used to, and though he didn't want to scare Baekhyun away, he couldn't help but wind his arms around his friend's back and pull him closer. Baekhyun didn't protest and so Chanyeol cautiously hooked his chin over Baekhyun's shoulder. "I've missed you." He ground out. It had to be said.
"I'm sorry." Baekhyun's breath tickled his neck.
"Why...?" He began, not knowing how to phrase it all into one question. Not knowing if he wanted to.
Baekhyun took a long pause and Chanyeol didn't know if it was his own or Baekhyun's heartbeat that he could feel jackhammering through his chest; maybe it was both. "I can't say it." Baekhyun whispered.
Chanyeol squeezed him. "You can tell me anything, you've always been able to." He spoke soothingly. "When did you forget?" Why had he let Baekhyun forget?
Baekhyun didn't reply to him, but in a sick, selfish way, Chanyeol was just happy to hold Baekhyun like this again and be held back. Baekhyun was still his best friend, even if he didn't hold the same position with Baekhyun. He didn't want them to be like this, and he didn't know when he'd let it get this bad.
They disentangled after a while and Chanyeol silently put another film on, but this time, Baekhyun laid his head in Chanyeol's lap, and Chanyeol cautiously ran his fingers through Baekhyun's silky black hair, scared to break this spell, this strange dream. It felt exactly like it had a few years back, when they'd just started high school and Chanyeol couldn't shut up about all the after school clubs he wanted to join, the fact that there was a school band, and how many cool people were in his music class. Baekhyun had batted him over the head and said the choir was enough for him, because his older brother had told him how tiring school days got when the assignments started pouring in.
Chanyeol ran his finger over the shell of Baekhyun's ear, unable to focus on the screen in front of him with his friend so close and placid like this. Baekhyun caught him glancing downward for the nth time in ten minutes and Chanyeol was worried for a moment, before he saw the pull at the side of Baekhyun's mouth. He was trying not to smirk and he was failing, so Chanyeol poked him in the cheek and watched him grin; a proper rectangle one. Chanyeol's face felt warm with the pleasure it brought him.
"I'm not going anywhere." Baekhyun said. "You can watch the film."
"I'd rather watch you." Chanyeol blurted out before he could think about what he was saying. They both coughed awkwardly. "Sorry." Chanyeol said. "Just ignore me."
Baekhyun smiled a little, before turning back to the laptop screen. Chanyeol only glanced down a few times throughout the rest of the film and though he felt like he was being discreet, Baekhyun probably still noticed. Baekhyun was asleep by the time the credits rolled again and Chanyeol knew he wouldn't move until his friend did, resigned to spending as much time with him like this as possible.
He woke up in the dark, with Baekhyun shuffling around on his lap, the laptop long since turned itself off. Chanyeol gently leant over to place it on the floor. Baekhyun was facing his stomach now, hands clinging to the front of his onesie, attempting to get a grip on the tightly stretched material and mostly just clawing at Chanyeol's stomach. Chanyeol worked on ignoring his stiff back, and stroked a hand over Baekhyun's hair in the dark, listening to his contented hum.
He continued to stroke him leisurely as Baekhyun started to make random little noises. Chanyeol remembered how he'd snuffle himself to sleep when they were younger and he wondered what Baekhyun was dreaming about, letting his friend nuzzle against his stomach as his fingers massaged the nape of his neck.
"Yeollie-"
He started at the nickname. "Hm?"
"Don't hate me..."
Chanyeol couldn't tell if he was awake or not, so he cradled his friend closer to him. "I couldn't ever."
"Please don't hate me, Yeol..."
"I don't."
"Please don't..." He continued.
"I won't. Ever!" Chanyeol whispered firmly, not sure Baekhyun could hear him, but just in case.
His best friend was quiet after that, and warm against him, and Chanyeol fell asleep easily.