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I sigh...
i flop onto my bed because man patrol was so tiring today and i cant help but think ive messed everything up again dude.
I'm so scared of anyone getting upset at me again but i know that no matter what i do the tiniest thing was always turn into a big mistake.
I'm so sick of it cause it just feels like the world is laughing at me and to be honest it probably is.
I'm pretty pathetic for a ninja... well thats at least what my brain and others tell me.
I look up at the clock in my room knowing that ill be wasting my time for a while.
Wasting my time and no one will ever know why.
No matter how many times i cry or break down nothing will ever change.
No words can save me anymore and man i wish that they could.
The only thing that makes me feel and sort of better is when my brothers give me comfort but id feel guilty if i went to them everytime i felt like this and especially today.
I probably couldnt even tell them whats wrong because hell i dont even know at this point...
Theres so many things that i try to forget because thats the only way i know how to cope.
Why deal with it when i can just pretend its imaginary and happened to someone else.
But theres only so far that can get without me crying my eyes out whenever a small inconvenience happens as that will trigger literally everything.
I just want to feel ok and hell! i do most of the time!! like hanging with my bros makes everything worth it but whenever i dont have that it just feels harder...
I feel even worse when i feel like ive messed things up like today, as now i feel like ive annoyed them too much to even go to them now, like its my fault i feel like this.
I start tearing up even more because its even harder to think about how im feeling right now. What am i even feeling? Now i just curl up on myself and just wish for a moment for warmth.
Grabbing my spongebob plushies nearby helps with this i guess. I let more sobs escape me. I dont want to deal with all this, all the constant missions, world ending plots against us and death. I guess it feels weird without it but i know i could get used to it. I want to get used to it. But no matter how much a cry or run away theres no stopping the universe. I curl up on myself even more trying to stop the thoughts now but the more i do that the more i cry and i just want to melt into my bed.
I know my bros have much bigger worries than me but i cant help but feel jealous about how they can deal with the type of the stuff that makes me feel like this... i don't know how they can do it.
I lift my head off my pillow for a second and look down to see it absolutely soaked in my tears, i look at the clock and an hour has already passed.
"Why cant i just run away from this too?" i sob out.
I start to feel angry like something is compelling me to be like this. More tears stream down my face, everything feels too much. I sit up suddenly. More and more incoherent thoughts fill my stupid mind, all of them boiling down to the fact im useless and pathetic. "why can't i be normal" i cry out again. As i say this i raise my hand into a fist and instead of directing it at a wall or something i aim it at myself. It's my fault im feeling like this so why not. I wasted so much time just feeling like this, i hit myself again. Then as if not enough tears were spilling more and more came. Maybe it was because it hurt or maybe still because i was hurting. I want to do anything to stop the thoughts but they are not stopping. I hit myself again.
No one will ever know that i'm feeling like this right now. That thought fills me up with hopelessness but also relief, i dont want my bros to worry about me too much they have enough to worry about themselves. I lie on my shell and look at the ceiling. What am i even doing? I turn over and curl up on myself again but this time from the corner of my eye i see some of my spongebob comics i found lying on the ground. I guess should be the time when i try run away again huh.
I get up out of my bed, pick them up and start to read them as a sort of hopeful empty feeling takes over from the upset and crying.
I guess its over until next time.