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The guilt over her actions slowly makes its presence known to Gwen’s consciousness during their ride back to Camelot. So many things had happened – so many terrible things – that she hadn’t had a chance to fully accept. Her brother had died in his quest to bring her home safely and the memory she had of his last moments seemed like it was someone else’s memory. She was furious that Morgana had stolen a time she should have spent in grief away from her but that wasn’t where a majority of the guilt originated. Her stomach clenched in anguish and that thought that she had betrayed the two people she was closest to – Arthur and Merlin.
Gwen knew immediately that her apology to Arthur would be easy. She’d tell him how sorry she was, and he’d accept it graciously. Her husband would blame Morgana’s sorcery and that would be the end of the conversation. He had plenty of love in his heart for her.
Merlin had love in his heart too, but he was far more guarded – something that had been built in the past years amongst all of the betrayal and tragedy they’d witnessed. He was nothing like the boy that first came to Camelot and Gwen only loved him all the more for it. He was someone she trusted with her life, with Arthur’s life and one day she knew that she would entrust him with the lives of their children.
She had always been fairly certain that Merlin knew she loved him – the way in which you loved a best friend – but she also was cognizant that he was the least secure about what his position was in Camelot. She wasn’t confident that he realized that he was one of Arthur’s trusted advisors. He didn’t fight with a sword like Leon, Gwaine, or Percival but he had other tools at his disposal. Gwen wondered if he had any idea of the power he truly had.
Unlike the men around her Gwen had one thing at her disposal that the others didn’t. She had patience. It took her a fortnight to have the chance to talk to Merlin alone arranged. She hadn’t wanted to do this in front of Arthur – he’d make a joke and it would cheapen what she wanted to convey to Merlin. Arthur was training new recruits when Gwen knew Merlin would be in their room to gather Arthur’s laundry. Merlin would also know that at this time Gwen was usually at the market, in an attempt to show that being Queen did not mean she wouldn’t pay back the neighbors who’d been there for her when her father had passed. She’d gathered the laundry on her own and placed it in a basket on the table. She took a seat and waited.
It’s later than she expected when he walked in. He paused as soon as he spotted her. Merlin glanced between her and the basket, he looked incredibly wary. She had expected that – he had steadily avoided being caught alone with her since the lake. He acted just like he had after Lambia. He’d avoided the knights for months after that incident. She knew that his relationship with Gwaine had never been repaired. Gwen was determined to not allow that to happen to them.
Merlin was the first to speak. “Is there something wrong M’Lady?” Merlin asked stiffly.
Gwen nearly winced at the way he addressed her. “Don’t call me that. Not right now. I want to talk.” She watched him relax slightly. When it became obvious that he was not going to sit down, she stood. “Thank you for saving me.”
He is shocked into silence for a moment before he argued, “I didn’t do anything.” Merlin’s brows had furrowed in confusion – with just a tinge of suspicion as if he didn’t believe she had been fully released from Morgana’s spell.
“You made Arthur see what had happened to me. You knew right away.” She smiled at him. “You and I understand that Arthur’s love blinds him sometimes and we need to be his eyes. It was you who truly saved me.” Gwen paused. “Even after I-“ She felt the words get stuck in her throat. She took a breath before she started over, “Even after I tried to kill you. I’m so sorry Merlin.”
“It doesn’t matter, Morgana wasn’t successful. It doesn’t matter.” It sounded like a lie to Gwen. His words were still too stiff and cold to ease her fear of losing him.
“It does matter,” Gwen insisted. “Morgana attempted to poison you but it wasn’t her who had accused you of murdering the King. I almost had you hung for treason.” She stepped closer to him, when he didn’t react badly she took his hands in her own. “I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself for that.” She raised her eyes to look him in the face and decided spontaneously that she needed to explain what had happened in the tower. “Morgana gave me hallucinations at first.”
Merlin interrupted, “Did you tell Arthur about this?”
Gwen shook her head. “No, I didn’t have to. You need to understand something, and I think this is the only way. The hallucinations were terrible – she took the people I love and made them cruel. I saw my brother, I saw Arthur and I saw one more person.” She squeezed his hands. “The only other person I love with the strength that I love my brother and my husband is you. You have been one of my best friends for a long time. I can’t lose you.” Gwen revealed. She could feel the tears build during her explanation but they hadn’t yet fallen. If he hadn’t forgiven her she was positive that she would have sobbed in her bedroom. She was relieved when he hugged her close; she squeezed him back fiercely in return.
“I guess it’s not the first time one of us has been brainwashed by Morgana, is it?” Merlin smiled. A smile that felt confident to Gwen, not the hard one that were in her hazy memories of being controlled by Morgana.
“The femora.” Gwen whispered. She touched the back of her own neck. “That feels like a lifetime ago.”
“It does.” Merlin agreed.
Gwen is satisfied that their relationship isn’t ruined, though they didn’t exactly bounce back to exactly where they were before. She was confident that she would not lose him and that was what was important.
Arthur noticed the change right away. He turned to her in bed that night, Merlin had tended to their dinner for the first time in weeks, with a small smile. “What did you say to him?” He asked. She knew that though Arthur would never admit it, the strain between Gwen and Merlin hurt him as much as it had hurt her.
“The truth.” She answered him simply. It wasn’t an answer that satisfied Arthur’s curiosity. “I told him that without his influence a bumbling servant girl would never have become Queen. I told him that he made you less of a prat –“ Arthur grumbled a complaint but Gwen continued, “I told him that I couldn’t live the rest of my days without my best friend. I told him that I trust him to keep us safe far more than I trust any one of your knights. The only thing I didn’t tell him is that you feel the same way.”
“Hardly.” Arthur huffed and lied on his back.
“Completely,” Gwen insisted. “You should put him in a better position to help you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I did that a long time ago,” Arthur claimed.
“A servant isn’t exactly a place of high honor,” she pointed out.
“No, but a physician is.” He revealed his intentions.
“Oh,” Gwen whispered. A grin broke on her face. “And when are you going to let Merlin know that?”
“He knows.” At her disbelieving look he continued, “How can he not? He heals ours wounds when the knights and I aren’t near the castle.”
Gwen sighed. “He has no idea,” she informed him, “Merlin never assumes that anyone cares for him or believes in him. In fact, he might fear the day that Gaius is no longer a physician because it would mean that the rooms he considers home would be taken from him by Gaius’ replacement.”
“Merlin doesn’t think that.” Arthur scoffed. Gwen just stared at him until he relented, “Fine.” He huffed. “I will tell him in the morning. I’m sure that he won’t be surprised.”
Merlin was incredibly surprised.